Why wouldn’t I work on myself? Working on myself and healing means I become stronger in spirit, in faith and can be more readily available for all the plans God has for me. Why is it so hard for me to find a starting point? I don’t know where to start. I feel like when I go to the inner library of my mind I just scan along the dusty books of my pain and past and blindly pick and choose what I think could be taken care of quickly. I believe that’s my problem, I want a quick fix.

I am afraid to take time and to actually feel what I’ve pushed down for so long and there is so much now that it feels impossible to even choose. It’s the way I am with books, I start one then buy another one, then pick up another one and go right back to the first one. My mind can’t just stay focused on one thing and work with it. I feel like it all has to be healed and made right, right now! I don’t want to feel broken or diseased or a burden. I’m realizing, even though I say I have, I’m not sincerely forgiving the one person that needs it the most, myself.

I can forgive and look past everyone and everything else but what I have said or done. I just stuff down what I’ve “forgiven” of myself and move on without truly forgiving myself. Why is that? Why can we forgive or point out flaws and give advice to others when we can’t do the same to ourselves? Admitting our problems or our own flaws is repulsive because it’s about us. We want to have control over so much that we don’t even realize when we are trying to access what we can’t control. Then wonder why things don’t play out to our standards or what “should be.”

I’m in my Bible daily trying to learn and to hear what the Lord has for me each day. One more piece is added to my puzzle and it clicks into place and then I can move on to the next. Again, not taking time to admire what I’ve already completed. I don’t sit back and really see what I’ve been through and what I’ve accomplished because I’m only concentrating on the next bad thing that happens. It’s like I go looking for it. Chaos ensues my life and sometimes I don’t know how to function without it. I’m not necessarily bored with my life, I just don’t want to deal with it, at all.

That’s when we look to others and things to find what we are missing. Trying to find happiness, contentment in objects or people. Thinking our happiness will come from that, when in fact, it’s far from the Truth. God. The simplest act of repenting and coming to the Father for redemption is so overlooked and it’s becoming such a problem. When something bad happens I normally don’t think, “God, what can you do to make this right?” It’s, “God, what can I do to make this right?”, when I know full well I can’t do anything without Him.

I look back to circumstances of my past and I would look to the bottle. That’s what will cure my ailments, right? I wouldn’t open my Bible and turn to His Truths, I would grab the keys and head to the nearest liquor store. I would drown myself and my problems in alcohol and pray I live another day. I’ve done what I’ve done to myself and that’s always the hardest part for people to admit. We want to blame, shame, and guilt others for our actions. Why can’t we just own up to our own faults and work through them?

I know that I’m asking myself all these questions because I can read it, I can physically see it on the page where I’m losing myself every time. It’s almost like I don’t want to believe a liquid could hurt me. Am I blaming the alcohol? Yes. I used it as a coping mechanism. I chose sin to hurt myself and others around me instead of God. The one true God who could’ve helped me all along. He still can. That I just realized.

I am not “too far gone.” I am exactly where He wants me to be, exactly what I need to be doing to move forward and live for Him. Without admitting my faults and asking forgiveness it will only settle within me and cause more hurt and destruction. I need to see all of the good He has placed in front of me. The people in my life. This brings me to this next section of questions.

What people does God have you around currently?

He has me around my family. He has me around my online church family. He has me around a therapist to seek mental stability. He has me around animals that comfort me. He has others that are suffering the same illness all around. Support groups. People of faith. He has me around Patrick who lacks faith but does everything else right. A missing piece to his puzzle. (Codependency: looking to other people’s problems to try and fix.) While helping myself I want to help others. I guess that’s a fault I’m going to have a long road ahead to work on. I guess I am a fixer. I want everything around me to flourish except me. How does that work?

Who do you live, work, and play with?

I live with Patrick during the week, my family, and my son on the weekends. I am always in contact with someone from the church even if it’s as simple as liking a post by one of the members. I work with people who have similar issues to mine and find comfort in working with dogs. I prefer the comfort of animals to people most times. Control. Can’t talk back, deciding what food they eat, what things they play with, and when we go for a walk. I play with sin. I play with temptations and things I know aren’t good for me. It’s more of a learned response to all of my feelings and emotions. Every reason is a reason to drink and every feeling is a reason to drink. Every action. All of it.

Where has God placed you?

He has placed me among people who love and care for me. That can help me through this healing process and NOT hurt me. He has given me scare and time to think among others who I didn’t think I belonged a part of to show me who I m not. He has placed me with people who bless my lives through Him because he loves and cares for me.

Where do you live, work, and interact with others?

I live with people who care about my well-being. I work with people who care about my well-being. I work with people who care about my relationship with God. I interact with people every day who just want to see me get better. Why can’t I see that for myself? I know what it is. I don’t see my healing as important. It’s “not that bad.” What is the definition of “not that bad?” Everyone would have a different response, a degree, and think it crazy others don’t see it that way.

How are these people and places shaping your calling?

They are helping me to see what I can’t. God is helping me to understand what I can not understand. I noticed in all of my responses I never truly named God as who I’m with, living with, working with. I think that just opened my eyes to something I’ve been blind to. I am not putting God first. He should’ve been the first response in every answer. See how easy it is to overlook the one thing that is above all else? He is the reason I am finding solutions. He is the reason I’m starving for knowledge, to know Him better than I know myself. As humans, we forget how easy it is to succumb to this world’s answers when we should be looking to otherworldly answers. I should be reaching higher, not of this world as it should be.

Lord, why is it so hard to come to you first? Is it because I’ve conditioned myself in all the wrong ways? Yes. I know. Finding comfort and security in the things and people that hurt me most. It’s a guilt and shame thing. I don’t feel deserving of my Father’s love. That’s so sad. I’m judging the relationship of people here on the relationship I have with God. I’m trying to bring him down to my standards, to my understanding when I should be looking towards His. Why is this so hard to comprehend? Why is this so hard to do daily? It’s like I reset and forget daily. If I don’t come to God, I go to sin. That’s not what I want for my life anymore. I want my first instinct to be, go to God in prayer, open my Bible and listen to what the Holy Spirit has to move me at that moment. I’m not taking the time to be still in the presence of the Lord and make decisions based on HIS timing. I focus on mine. I want all of this to change.

Lord, I want you to be the center and focus of my life. The answer to every problem. I want to take up my cross daily, follow you, and cast all of my anxieties on you because I can. My worries are so big and I am so small, but Lord, you are so big. You’ve overcome it all. I want this reminder daily. Every decision I mull over, I want to bring to you in prayer. I know my prayer life is stagnant and not the best. Sometimes when I pray I feel like I’m not doing it right or just going around and around in circles when you already know where I’m going with it. Then I feel guilty because I feel like I’m wasting your time when I know I’m not a waste of your time. You chose me. Why can’t I comprehend that one?

“Cast your burden on the Lord, and he will sustain you; he will never allow the righteous to be shaken. God, you will bring them down to the Pit of destruction; men of bloodshed and treachery will not live out half their days. But I will trust in you.” -Psalm 55: 22-23 CSB

Lord, I ask you, help me put all my burden onto your shoulders. Help me carry what I can not carry on my own. Help me to trust when I can’t trust myself or others. Let all of my trust be in You and for You. Show me your ways everlasting so I might live among you all the days of my life. I want this life made for me because of Your love for me. I don’t do the things I do because it’s what I want to do, it’s because it’s accessible and within reach. Help my unbelief. Help me put my trust in the things I cannot see. I want the glory and praise to go directly to you. I ask this in your name, Lord. Amen.

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