I have this haze of sadness circling me and it won’t go away. It’s not just about one thing, I think it’s a mix of many emotions I can’t place at the moment. Hello December.

As much as I’ve always thought December was a happy and exciting month, ever since I was little, there was a sadness within me that I never understood. I try my hardest not to give in to the feeling. I have so many things to be thankful for in this life and it all could have a positive spin if I’d let it. I’ve been negative for so long that I don’t know how to truly let myself be happy. I’m getting close. Always out of reach.

Today I woke up and didn’t recognize who it was waking up. This happens every so often and it normally happens when I’m groggy and out of it. I felt in a playful mood and confident. I wasn’t worried about anything and just being… myself? There are times when I can’t remember what happened within an hour or even a couple minutes of my day. It’s like someone else takes over for a while so I can just be. Not have to be full of anxiety or too into my problems.

Switching it up. I got all of my Christmas cards done and ready to be mailed out last night. I have never been one to really send out holiday cards. It felt nice. It took me about two hours, but while I was doing that, time stood still. I was so concentrated on something that made me happy and it brought me peace.

I found a new artist I really like who did an album of Christmas songs that don’t make you want to puke. It’s very calming and very me. It’s called “The Birth of A King” by Tommee Profitt. I highly recommend checking it out. It has a very cinematic sound to it if that makes sense?

I really wanted to write today and I’m coming up empty again. It’s when I don’t have the urge that something just comes out. When I plan to take a moment to do it, I feel put on the spot. There’s so much I hold inside and it freezes at my fingertips and won’t let me express myself. I rotate through so many of the same thoughts every day. I bring panic upon myself at least over a hundred times a day and I quickly try to shut it out.

I notice when I’m reading is when my mind wanders the most. My eyes will be following along the lines on the pages but I’m completely somewhere else. Next thing I know I’m a couple chapters in and have no idea what’s going on. It’s like when you drive a car and then the next thing you know you are at your destination without remembering how you got there. That freaks me out.

No matter how much I ask for my worries and things that plague my mind to be taken away, it just doesn’t happen. It’s frustrating. I just want to experience a season in my life where I don’t have to worry. Not one bit. Shouldn’t that be now?

Hello December…