The time around Christmas is always a little difficult for me emotionally. I’m trying so hard not to let them get to me like they used to. We all know what that does. So I guess I should start this without immediately bashing my spirit, huh?
One thing that is completely different is going to AA meetings when normally it’d be the 24 bottles of Christmas countdown for the Clarks. Times that by two, Lord knows it was two fifths a day… who am I kidding? No, this time it’s a straight-edge holiday and I’m happy and that is strange to me. I went to a meeting last night and it was a lot of the “hard emotions” surrounding this time of year. I totally get it. Holidays in general was enough a reason to drink. And the eves to the holidays…and so on and so forth.
Listening to these men and women’s stories makes me feel good. I can find at least one or more things to relate to in each of their stories. I have yet the nerve to share, I don’t know what I would say, where to begin. I feel I would be boring compared to everyone else as seasoned as my drinking life was. My sponsor is such a sweetheart and very comforting and compassionate. I know that’s what I need because I couldn’t handle a hardass, I’m not equipped with the emotional state to do so.
I did share with her that I was able to get my son’s Christmas present put together early and without messing it up. I was told by his dad I wouldn’t be able to do it as he drunkenly “jokingly” made fun of me. Yes, I still helped him pick out Eddie’s present because I know it wouldn’t have happened if I didn’t. That left a nasty gash on my heart because he could never encourage me and never had an ounce of faith in me. I don’t know why I’m letting it get to me so much.
Well, guess what? I put together a 2,064 piece Super Mario Lego set all alone and I have to say, it was very therapeutic. I didn’t make any mistakes and it made me proud. It’s the little accomplishments I suppose. I just want Eddie to have a great Christmas in any way that I can. Today we got him a Mario stocking and candy to go inside. That’s always one of my favorite things to do each year. Tradition. I am trying to just live in the moment and enjoy this week before Christmas rolls around and it’s all over again. I’m not doing too bad…
Leading a small group for Proverbs 31 OBS really helps me keep grounded. We’ve been going through an Advent study that ends Christmas Eve. It’s been nice to take time to spend the month cherishing Jesus and the Christmas story. Preparing my heart always puts me in better spirits. Thank God for our Savior. As soon as this study is done I have to have the new group made and ready to go for the next study that starts immediately at the beginning of 2022. This will keep me focused as I give my situations, my life to God each day. I have to surrender or I’ll lose what I’m trying to achieve.
I also am a Facebook writer for the ministry so that means I get to write posts every week and that keeps my mind on Jesus. Writing is the best thing that’s come into my life as far as a calling goes. That’s one thing I believe in myself. I’m starting to believe I am the mother Eddie needs. God didn’t make any mistakes in this huge plan He made. I am blessed beyond belief where I’m at in this life right now.
It’s so nice to be sitting on this couch next to the man I love more than myself. I’ve got a sweet floof of a pup who loves the heck out of me. He is truly my emotional support dog. As I write I go in between sips of hot tea with honey and flip through my music selection on YouTube Music. I stand behind the Tube… I’m not much of a Spotify gal myself, which is funny because that’s the platform our ministry uses to create our study playlists. I’m learning to love songs I used to have a hard time listening to again and it feels good. I don’t have to associate them with drinking. It helps to write about it. Getting it all out on the page clears out space in my already too full library in my head.
I feel happy right now. I’m in a safe space surrounded by love and I know the Holy Spirit is with me. When I get these butterflies that I call “JOY” rush through my body, I know who it is. Why is it, when I am writing, the perfect songs come on. I mean, the lyrics are making that feeling even stronger. Oh, I love it!
I keep thinking about this story I wrote back in high school that I found and I’m wondering if there is something I can do with it. It makes me happy when I think about it and think about other situations for Autumn to get into. She gets happy when I think about this stuff. My mind is creative and when it gets a moment to shine, it takes it. My “moments” come and go as quickly as turning on and off a light switch. I wish I could be “on” all the time, but that just isn’t possible in this lifetime.
I am hoping that I can make a video welcome for our next study. My mind is jumping all over the place. Music does that to me. I don’t know what I’d do without it. Well, I think that’s it for me tonight. As much as I want to keep going, I’m not focused enough.