I asked a question to my study group today about expectations and I was surprised by all of the responses that I received to it. These women are comfortable enough to come out and acknowledge their unrealistic expectations. This got me thinking about mine.
My mind immediately went to my ex-husband. I expected him to want to change for our family. I expected him to keep me happy, which was so selfish. I expected him to work but fewer hours because I felt alone. I expected him to bring home alcohol every night (that part did happen). I expected he would want to get sober with me (that part did NOT happen.) It makes me look back and think did I just expect too much and when I didn’t see it, did I just give up? Everything was hurting our family. The decision was for the best.
Then my mind went to the expectations of myself. I can already stop myself right here because I will NEVER meet those. They aren’t even within reach and I need to change them immediately. I have always expected way too much of myself to the point I became mentally and physically ill. Certain situations in my life have made these expectations too high. It’s because I was never good enough, or so I thought. I was counting on the wrong person all along. Myself. It should have been God. It is becoming Him now.
Years of thinking this way are not easy to adjust to, but I’m getting there. I expected my drinking to never get out of hand, always controlled. I work like this … I am either one extreme or another. All in or not at all. My addictive lifestyle was all I knew. If I’m not careful, I can make anything my new addiction. I have passions. I have to remember not everything is an “addiction”. I just feel like the saying, “Once an addict, always an addict”, seems so accurate in my life. I feel like I have to moderate everything I do in my life. It’s simply wanting to overindulge in everything I do. Sometimes I truly wish I was not hardwired this way. I’m trying to rewire it all, heart, brain, actions … all of it. I don’t necessarily want to change who I am, that’s impossible, but I want to be a positive version of myself.
Negativity has always been one of the hardest things to overcome in my life. I grew up around it. I don’t want to become a statistic of that. I want to see the positives and be the positive person I always knew I could be. Papa was always my role model, still is. He was one of the most positive people I’d ever met. Patrick reminds me of him.
I loved his upbeat positivity for life, all the way down to the last breath he took. I felt it in my soul when he passed away. I remember sitting in my Government History class in Freshman year and it was around 9:45 am and I said to myself, “It’s okay to let go if you have to Papa…” It was just getting so bad. When I got home Mom said Papa passed, but I already knew. These things have happened to me a lot in my life. Just knowing when things and what things were going to happen. I don’t understand it but I don’t question it. Sometimes I wonder if it’s a little gift.
I’m expecting to try and go to sleep here in a minute but we already know that’s an unrealistic reality. Funny how that works.