Move, dammit! Say something. ANYTHING. I have so many things going on inside my head that I can’t stop the whirlwind of thoughts enough to grab just one. I need to reorganize my library again, damn thought closet is so disheveled. There are too many things happening inside and nothing produces on the outside. Has that ever happened to you? I can’t make myself function under the clutter and it’s making me stagnant.
There are too many feelings on how this system should work that it’s clogging up the inner workings. It’s been a while since it’s been this way and part of me enjoys having the company, yet part of me hates the headache. I feel lost and found. How can you feel both ways at the same time? I’m putting so many pieces together but the picture still isn’t clear as to what that is. I have a pile of pieces put together over here, and some over there and down there… nothing connected in the middle yet. That’s the part I’m working on now. I know it’ll eventually end up a beautiful picture puzzle. Time and not my own.
I have come to a lot of serious conclusions in my life. I don’t think all of myself came to the realization that I am an addict. I thought I knew it and was so certain of it. In group the other week the therapist asked a question, “When was the exact moment it clicked?” It threw my whole system completely off like I wasn’t all in on the intervention crew. Parts of me were shocked and it made me dissociate and this clarity that I was ready to accept it FULLY, FINALLY happened. Everybody onboard? Yup. Totally.
I’ve been having weird dreams about accepting what I can not change. I felt a huge wave of sadness wash over me and for a couple of days, I went silent. I wasn’t sure what to think. I almost feel embarrassed that it took me this long. It makes me feel stupid. To feel so sure for so long and then get a slap of reality hits. I’m moving on from a horribly beautiful disaster of a life. It’s coming to an end and I’m not sure how I feel about that. It’s time to live clean and the way life can and should be. I’m scared. I’m not used to this. This part of me is in shock but most of me understand this.
I’ve been silent for way too long. I hardly spoke my whole existence because I was just the “raving party girl.” The drugs that silenced me, the music that beat through my veins, the lust that shushed my mouth, held me down and took my innocence slowly. There isn’t a place for me now and I don’t know what to do. These memories are just a breath in the wind of long ago.
I want this help and to be a part of this whole, but it’s so foreign and I don’t feel like I belong. I think it may be time to let go of you. I’m sorry Roxy. That panic you feel is the acceptance that each part had to feel. Oof… I feel strange. It went silent again and I don’t know what that means.
It’s not easy for anybody here right now. I need to be comforted and I truly don’t know what that would consist of at the moment. I’m not all here, part of me is chasing myself into the darkness. Well, this may be a couple more days of “whatever the fuck is going to happen is going to happen.”
Yikes. This went south quick. I was not expecting this entry to go this way… I guess I can take over for now and get the rest of the thoughts out in one big nutshell. I’m confused about my working situation, healing situation, faith journey, relationships, hell, ALL of it. I overthink the littlest things and let them get to me.
My big floof Dexter always knows when it’s time to comfort me. Little cuddles from Heaven. It’s calming. Holding onto him always grounds me, makes me feel better. It brings the wolves close to the front and the pack is satisfied. I think I need a little break and then we will come back to this. (You won’t even know we’re gone.)
Look at that. Back to our original programming. Let the dissociating commence! My health is another thing that’s been a bother. I’ve been having a lot of discomfort and heartburn. It makes my chest throb and pain shoot to my back. It is triggering to me because a lot of these feelings take me back to binges.
Pops always know when to intervene. When I’m in a funk, some music that reminds me of him comes on. Literally, “Uptown Funk”-Bruno Mars. It’s bringing a smile to my face and tap to my toes. I’m telling you, God is good. Little things are HUGE to me.
I think I’m going to stop here since my mood keeps fluctuating, which makes it difficult to know what to write. Thanks for riding my emotional rollercoaster, garbage cans are to the left in case of motion sickness…