I want them and I don’t. I try and then I bail. I cherish my alone time but there are times when I want to hang out. The thing is, I don’t have them. My best friend, I live with. He has been enough. Yeah, I have friends online and really try to keep up but it’s hard. It exhausts me. I feel like I owe. I’m too much of a people-pleaser, I will say yes when I mean no. It’s hard to have them because I feel this obligation to have all the right answers. I am so far from anyone you’d want to go to for advice.

The one thing I ALWAYS get told is, “You are just so easy to talk to, I feel like I can open up to you.” My whole life. I’ve heard some amazing stories in my life. Total strangers amuse me a lot. Good intentions but sometimes a little too much info shared. I genuinely care about people. I want to be there for others and help. But what if I am the one who needs the help right now?

All of my best friends I’ve had over time have all moved on as have I. One friendship I cherish is Emily. We could go months without talking and when we do, it’s like we never stopped. We get each other in that way. I’m never worried about that one.

Do I make a better long-distance friend? I’ve wondered this. I’m really good at them. Knowing I don’t have to go out and can just shoot a text and see if it’s a good time to talk. I have problems talking on the phone. I’m trying to do that more but for some reason, it exhausts and fills me with anxiety. People exhaust me in general. Going out for long periods of time does this as well. It’s almost like we get going and then I’m already thinking, “I can’t wait to get home.” I feel this pressure to be “normal.”

We all know that’s not going to happen.

Maybe I’m not mentally ready yet. I’ve prayed for a friend, but I didn’t look over to the man sitting next to me. I feel too old, like my time to find that one friend that I could tell anything to and they could do the same, has passed. I find openness attractive. It’s one thing I wish Patrick would do. I don’t know what to do about that one.

I think I’m just in a “friend rut” at the moment.

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