I’m just going to write what comes to my mind even if it doesn’t make sense, even if I have no idea why I would think it, or maybe it’ll just help me make complete sense out of some of it.
I’m fat. I’ve gained back 15-20 pounds and I feel bloated and disgusting all the time. I don’t like the way I feel when I’m in clothes or out of clothes. Adding insult to injury, the new jeans I bought are just a stretch waist and a size 12. I feel ashamed of myself. I constantly think about food, what I will eat, what I have eaten, how much I have eaten, guesstimating calorie, carb, and sugar intake. I literally go through my head of what I’ve had for the day and debate on what it was and how much determine if I get to eat and if it’s healthy or not. I have coffee every morning fluctuating between 8 oz, 10 oz, and 12 oz depending on the morning and at least a 2 oz of creamer. (I honestly don’t know if I’m highballing or not). This morning I had two blueberry donut holes, a snickerdoodle cookie, half a bag of chips, an apple, 3/4 of a Mountain Dew, and 2 or so bottles of water. I already feel like that is too much crap for the day and the majority were unhealthy decisions. I don’t intuitively listen to my body as I should. The thing is, if I did I wouldn’t know if it was from boredom or that I’m physically hungry. I didn’t have this problem 20 pounds ago. I felt amazing and wasn’t short of breath or have backaches or have digestive problems like I do again. I have no motivation to get up off the couch and go walk and it takes every ounce of me to just walk Dexter now. I used to want to go all the time and was exciting about it, now it just feels like a chore. I know I’m depressed and I just don’t want to be. I have had my sleep thrown off for some time now. I usually get 4-5 hours of sleep at night and then around noon I am exhausted and nap. That could be anywhere from a half-hour to 3… I constantly feel tired and have very low energy. I’m constantly in my head about things that I probably shouldn’t worry about but do. I argue inside so much lately and I’m trying to stay positive but that negative voice, those negative thoughts, drowns me. Talking it out and speaking with someone is tricky. Sometimes I feel it helps and I can let an issue go, and others it feels like it just makes everything ten times worse and pours on the depression sauce. I don’t want the way I am feeling to affect my relationship with God and others. I don’t want Eddie to think Mommy doesn’t want to be around him because I do, I just don’t know-how. As much as I feel progress is being made, the pace is excruciating. I want to hurry to heal, I want to hurry my life way too much and I am trying to learn, so hard, to slow down. My mind endlessly trails and it exhausts me to the point of physical exhaustion, headaches, and blurry vision. I am confused. That can go towards many topics. Once I feel comfortable with something, it changes or something else gets tossed into the mix and throws everything off. There is never “downtime” in my life. I want to be a good person and I want to represent Christ and do the right things but I am now afraid I’m not enough to go to Heaven. There have been many things I’ve read, seen, witnessed that have led to these feelings now. I am robbed of my own joy in all of my relationships because I find ways to tell myself subconsciously, it’s just not enough. I will never be enough. I won’t ever be “Mom of the year” and I can’t help but compare. I have sinful thoughts and they scare me to the point of arguing with myself and going back and forth from positive to negative. I wake up a lot mid-prayer or conversation I myself am not having. It’s like listening in to a phone conversation I was probably not intended to hear at the moment. I’m constantly stopping myself from saying horrible things or being sarcastic when I get caught up in the thought of religion. I know what is right but a part of me fights every single part of it and I can’t stand it! I just want unity, I want to work as one without worrying if I’m going to slip up or not be able to control what happens in the decision-making. I have so many different triggers and some don’t make any sense to me. I don’t understand how I could be made like this and believe in God and KNOW Jesus died for me but still question. Outside influence does this a lot. I’m terrified of being rejected. I don’t want to impose on anyone. I oftentimes miss opportunities to be a humble and loving person because I think I’m too much of a burden, needy or clingy. I have tapered back all of that because I don’t want to be alone, so I purposely make myself be alone, slink back and away from those I love and who care. I don’t know how to get out of this little hole I’ve dug myself into. I canceled my therapist appointment because I just “don’t want to talk” and “I wouldn’t know what to say anyway”. Here’s the thing, I have plenty to say and know what to say, I just don’t know how to let it escape my lips and feel confident doing it. This is why I write. It comes out clearer and I can think about what my next thought is and if it’s appropriate to lay it out. When I talk sometimes too much spills out and I don’t know when to stop or I feel blank and don’t know where to begin. It’s always one extreme or the other. I am not honest with myself on how I really feel a lot of the time. I hide behind these masks of who I think I should be, what I am expected to be, and I am uncomfortable to just be whoever the hell I am meant to be. I get these urges to do productive things and then either talk myself out of it or start to do it and lose interest real quick. It’s like the flip of a switch and everything comes to a screeching halt. I then slump back down on the couch and feel so many emotions and listen to so many conversations going on inside and feel nauseated. Feeling sick or nauseated is an extreme trigger for me. I always assume I am pregnant and the weight gain, it terrifies me. I have been up to date on my depo shots and have had to take a test twice now. I’ve had intermittent bleeding and I know that I’m not, I just always go straight to that assumption. Getting pregnant at a young age and aborting my baby has internally fucked me up. It all scares me. I was terrified when I first found out about Eddie and was in a panic about what to do. It was a natural reaction even though after calming down I was elated. It’s the initial reaction to things that trigger certain thoughts and then make me feel like a piece of shit. I forget where I am in life and how everything is not the way it used to be. I feel stuck in a fictitious world that I’ve created in my own mind. I don’t know how to differentiate reality a lot of the time and it scares me. What is real in this world, what isn’t, who is, who isn’t. I scare myself and throw myself into some horrible panic attacks because of it. There is something more to my mental illness than I know and that’s just fact. I am always afraid to get help because I’m afraid of what is inside and what the inside might do because of it. Obviously pushing it down hasn’t helped at all because it comes out in horrible choices and things I can’t take back. That then affects me and the cycle starts all over again. I feel like I create more than I should even handle. All of this frightens me. I am now feeling pressured as to what time I should start cooking something… if I’m going to fuck it up… if Patrick would even like it. I am SO damn hard on myself and I feel I need to be perfect in what I do and then I bash myself with an emotional bat and collapse. I’ve failed him countless times and he still takes me in. I read that sentence and wonder if I am talking about God, Patrick, or Eddie. Have I failed myself? Quick answer, yes. As a human, I will never have what it takes to be a part of this world or other of the Kingdom. Jesus is my saving grace, I know. Just believe is the hardest phrase to believe. I want help with a lot of my unbelief. I want answers to questions I know I won’t acquire on earth. This leaves me at many dead ends that keep me in this scary place. I’m afraid of what I am capable of and that comes from many experiences of the past. Trying to move forward is like pulling a bus with a rope. It just doesn’t budge. I don’t feel strong enough and that’s when I have to get my help and my strength from the Lord. I know and understand what I am supposed to do and I know I’m not supposed to do this on my own. Why can I never remember to do the simplest thing and go directly to God, lay it at His feet, and let it go? I try not to entertain my thoughts anymore, I shut a lot down that I used to let fly all the time. I know that’s a bit of progress in my thought process and follow-through. I’m ashamed that I choose to focus on myself and healing over everything. I choose it overworking, my relationships, finances (lack thereof), and the credibility of having any independence in my life. I’m always uncomfortable and tense with everything I do. The exhaustion I’ve been feeling has made me feel guilty for being lazy. I don’t think I’m doing enough to work through all the crap that’s been built up. I truly feel like a failure in many aspects of my life. I have messed up myself, my trust, what love is, a marriage, ability to drive, my son, my family, my life partner … my credibility in the church. I’m so unconfident in what I do that it just will never be good enough. I feel like I hide behind it all and come off as confident but even that makes me think, “you lying sack of shit, don’t flatter yourself”. My choices up to this point in my life have majorly been wrong. I have hurt so many people, including myself, and I don’t know how to process that properly. There is no way I would’ve been able to say all of that to a therapist because I freeze before it can even escape my lips and I censor the shit out of myself and what I’m to say. I don’t want to be seen as crazy, mentally ill, an addict, an adulterer, a liar, a thief, a murderer, the list could go on, but in plain sight, I am absolutely all of these things. I have done so many things in this life that aren’t even thought of as unforgivable, yet Jesus, you forgive me anyway. Your love is so prominent that it negates all of the mistakes, the sins, the transgressions I’ve worked my way through because of YOU. When I stop and remember these things, it’s always such an “ah-ha” moment because I am so stuck in the mucky water of negativity, I forget to lift my head to the light and breathe. Thank you for letting me get all of this out, I just feel so heavy and the weight is significant. I just want to get through the pain of what was so I can continue working on what is to come. I will not be my own roadblock anymore (thoughts of doubt flooded my head, I truly did not believe that statement whatsoever). I have so much work to do and in my mind, not nearly enough time
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