That is today’s topic of study for myself. Learning what is good in my life and what needs work on. Boy, do I need work …

I want to bear all of the fruit, there’s no getting around that. Those sinful natures though — that’s what gets us. So let’s go ahead and take a look at what the Fruit of the Spirit is compared to the sinful desires of “the flesh”.

Fruit of the Spirit:

Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness, and Self-control.

Sinful acts of the flesh:

Sexual Immorality, Impurity, Idolatry, Hatred, Jealousy, Fits of Rage, Self Ambition, and Drunkenness.

If I had to pick two to really work on, I would say “self ambition” and “drunkenness”. I am sick of “being of self” … I’m selfish and that only hurts the people I truly and dearly love in my life. Eddie, Mom, Dad, Patrick, etc. Myself. Forgot about me, truth. A lot of times it is because of drunkenness that I become selfish and make horrible awful decisions.

Example: I decided it would be a good idea to drink at Patrick’s (which I don’t even remember purchasing or beginning to drink for that matter, yeah, scary). He proceeded to pour them out and yet I decided to buy more, which I didn’t know he even poured anything out in the first place. Still freaking me out. I then decided it would be a good idea to drink with my ex-husband because I know he is an alcoholic and I could drink until I couldn’t feel feelings or live any longer. Intentions aside, I was trying to make it all go away, permanently. I figured what better person to do it with that if he died too, no one would care, just like me. (Booze brain at its best.)

This binge went on for 3 days where it would be drinking, pass out, drink pass out, occasionally vomit, pass out, drink … I think you are getting the point. I forgot the charger for my phone and my laptop died and forgot that charger too. So, now, no way to get a hold of me and see if I’m even alive at this point. I felt like death when I did make it home.

I didn’t realize what I was doing to all the people in my life who love me so damn much and it kills me that I even put them through it. I was selfish, drunk, and was being complete of the flesh at that point. I needed to write this out to remind myself that I could’ve very well lost my life and so many people would have been affected. It’s selfish. I’m done being selfish. Hurting my son the way I did makes me even sicker inside. This healing I’m about to do can no longer be self-centered and what I want it to be. This healing has to be led by God, given to him completely.

That being said, 4/4 is my new sober date and I plan to see anniversaries on 4/4 of my progress each and every year. Being an alcoholic will never “go away” and it will be a constant battle on my part led by the Holy Spirit. I know I can do this, I’ve proven it before. I deserve the life the Lord wants for me and it’s time to back it up with action.

Lord Jesus,

Help me to understand that the fruit will always be the “healthiest” choice I could make. Let me see what is good and not take what is rotten because I am not. I want to learn to love in every way possible, starting with YOU. As hard as it goes against the thinking I’ve had for so long, I know that this pain will only be for good in my life. I’m ready to push past my sinful nature as much as possible. I know that nobody is perfect but please help my impulses and obsessions and take them from me. Help me to see I am not alone in this world, daily, to keep me going forward, not rearing back. You’ve given me some amazing people in my life and I need to learn that they are the ones who care the most. I no longer wish to be deceived by the wrong influences of people, objects, or addictions. I want to know that to be loved doesn’t equal sex and the simple and small things are what produce the big things. I’m ready to learn if you would be ready to teach. It’s in your name that I pray,

Amen.