I am not exaggerating when I say this. Waking up can be overwhelming sometimes because I have no idea how I’m going to get through my day. Trial and error, I suppose. My mind overwhelms me with what I feel I need to get done that day.

Knowing I have to pack up the place by the end of this month is gripping me when it shouldn’t. I have to get posts done for the ministry and I’ve been off for the past two months and I feel unqualified to do what I am usually passionate about. I’ve lost interest in all the things I love and it terrifies me. I feel lost during my day like I have nothing to do but everything in front of me to do something. Options overwhelm me. There are too many.

My motivation and want to do anything are just… gone. I’ve recently gone to the doctor and got my medication adjusted and I’m waiting to see if anything changes. I give it an entire month or so before I consider how I am feeling. I’m not one to judge with immediate results, unfortunately, it doesn’t work that way. So it’s a couple of weeks to determine if I see an improvement or if anything has changed or possibly gotten worse. So far, I have not noticed a difference and my interests are fading away.

It’s tough to get myself to this journal to write because I don’t feel like it’s beneficial to sit and spew the same concerns over and over like a broken record. How many times do I have to describe the way I am feeling before it sticks or I make a change? A lifetime? Looks like that’s where we are headed.

Something positive? My man made a really good cup of coffee for me this morning. Maple flavoring warms and soothes my soul. It reminds me of Autumn and cool nights and warm drinks. My happy place. I wish I could live in those moments and feelings forever. Pure bliss.

I hope eternity is like all the happiest feelings ever experienced all wrapped up into one.

I’m already losing my motivation and I’ve got things to write today, due by Monday. Anxiety is hugging me a little too tightly over this. When will this end…

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