Living off the upper east coast of Florida, we did not endure what all the newscasters said we would. It always seems to be over-exaggerated. We had minimal wind and just a constant flow of rain. Nothing dire. It’s already moving off the coast so tomorrow should be back to normal.

This did give me a chance to read a book all the way through. “Verity” by Colleen Hoover. I highly recommend this read. I couldn’t put it down and if I didn’t have a sporadic 7-year-old, I would’ve read it through one sitting, not two. Her writing is fantastic. Sometimes I wish I could just sit down and write something worth reading. I never have the motivation. Such is my life.

It’s been very chill, the way I like it. I don’t go back to work until Saturday, which is nice. My son was given Wednesday and the rest of the week off. He was very excited and nervous about it. They put some fear into the poor boy before he got home that day. It really pissed me off. He seemed to calm knowing that we keep the deep purple black-out curtains closed during storms of any kind. It just makes the room cozier. I have a red lamp that sits atop our nightstand and colored lights on my mirror. During the day we keep a soft warm lamp on, nothing too harsh on the eyes. I can’t stand cold lighting. It makes me cringe.

I had a doctor’s appointment this morning over telehealth. I’m coming off of Seroquel (thank God) and going onto a new Bipolar medication called Vraylar. I guess we shall see how that goes. As long as it doesn’t make my anxiety spike and constantly exhausted, it should be fine. I’m having a hard time dealing with intrusive thoughts and it affects me to no end. It was becoming a problem and I already had the thought at work that I wanted to quit and I just started. I have NO confidence in myself whatsoever.

I love working with dogs but I just feel so out of the loop myself that it’s making it unenjoyable. That scares me. I’ve never had an issue with that before. I want to get on this medication asap.

Nothing brings me joy anymore. It’s far and few between. I feel guilty asking for sex. I don’t feel attractive anymore. I wonder if he is thinking of others before me when we are. It’s taking pleasure right out of it. I hate the way I think in this relationship. It’s like I don’t trust at all. I have my reasons, they are there, I’ve read them. It’s probably because of the stupid shit that I’ve done because I was so fucking broken when he met me. I am furious with myself. I’m furious for breaking so much trust so hard and fast and constantly. I don’t know how he loves me. I can’t even love myself. I would never settle for me, I’m not my type.

I’m overreacting and these thoughts are just what I think, they aren’t factual at all. I just make them fact in my mind and then I make myself so anxious I get sick. I need to stop overthinking everything. He is a good man and he loves so much. He cares about people and what they go through and I wish I could be that way. I’m so selfish. I stopped talking to my friends because they really weren’t friends, they were just bad influences who fueled my addictions making me a bad influence. I cut off all contact with any man because I don’t want anyone else and it makes no sense to me to continue. It never ends well and that goes for both parties.

It gets messy and then feelings start and it’s just not okay. I fucking HATE IT. I’m so angry right now and this is what the medication is doing, it’s bringing out a side of me I absolutely want to crush and take out completely. You treat others how you treat yourself is a quote from a book we are reading for our online bible study. I see it. I don’t trust myself so I trust no one, not even Patrick. That’s not right. I have major mental issues and I know I need to talk to someone but I don’t, I have no motivation to. It just makes me realize how fucked up I truly am. It’s hard to admit but it’s true.

This life is shit. We are living in a hell I don’t want to be a part of anymore. The day I die couldn’t come sooner. These are the thoughts that make me know that I am not okay.

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