I think I’m going manic. I am over the moon about it. I would rather be awake, motivated, and doing things over sleeping all the time, anxious, and not interested. Today I feel it the most. I want to do all of the things but I don’t know where to begin. It’s my day off and I would like to paint one of the pumpkins we have. I have decided I want to do a Lady & The Tramp. I am a huge fan of those spaghetti dogs.
I got up, made coffee, and had a Publix everything bagel with cream cheese and seasoned salt to get me going. I popped a Vraylar in the process, breakfast of champions! I took a shower, did my hair, and makeup, and put on actual clothes, not just a big tee shirt and PJ shorts. I feel ready for anything and I have nowhere to go.
Eddie’s little friend Luke just came over for their playdate and it is so adorable. This is his first time having a real friend over. He is starting to become more social and it’s wonderful to witness. Like any parent, I just want the best for him. He is giving him a house tour and when he got to our room he asked why we have so many toys. Patrick and I collect a lot of “toys”. We are big kids at heart and I love that about us.
I think this entry makes it three in a row (possibly skipped a day) but it’s been so long since I’ve felt the need to write out my thoughts. I love it. There is a chill calm about the way these meds react with me that I have been looking for.
So, today I decided to step down from the writing department of P31 Online Bible Studies. I don’t feel heard, whatever I write is always “readjusted” in some way, and it’s just so “feel good” and not enough Gospel. It’s disappointing, but God’s got better plans and I’m totally fine with that. Things went in a different direction and then it felt fake. What can I say? They’ve been there for me and helped me out during some pretty horrible times, but now it’s time to leave.
I am absolutely going to continue being a Small Group leader. I am able to post my own posts and be honest and truthful about the gospel. It’s nice not to have to dumb down the writing or be “too much”. It’s like my experiences are “too real” for them and it’s really a bummer. I’ll always be too much and you know what, I like that about myself. I’ve been through it and I don’t have to worry about getting over-emotional because a jerk at Starbucks got my name and order wrong. No. I’ve been abused, drugged up, aborted, rock bottomed, hospitalized, raped, divorced, jailed, and so much more and I can say that the Lord brought me through each and every scenario I’ve been in. I am a million times stronger because of it. Those situations, they saved me in the end. Life lessons? It became a life goal to share what made me stronger and I’m about to make that a reality. I want to write a book of memoirs and help women who have struggled like I have.
We all have a book inside of us, ready to be written, and I know I have the talent to do just that. I’m ready, I feel it. So let’s do this!