Reading the title of the last entry in this is both funny and shocking that I even had to write that out. (I wrote this in One Note and the title was “Taking Care of Love.) What made me think I needed validation to take care of Patrick? Now I can just look up at him and think, “That’s my husband. He’s sitting right there and I get to keep him forever.” I tend to do that a lot now, look up and admire my husband with new eyes. They feel fuller and brighter now, such a drastic change from what was. I don’t even want nor have to look back at anything that isn’t now.

Why do we always want to rehash the past? What was so great that it can’t be recreated again and sometimes in such a more vibrant way. I can look at my writing, for example, and remember that the decisions I have made for myself I need to just agree with. I am a good writer. I do entertain myself and others with what I have to say. I need to stop looking outward for validity and looking upward. To the heavens. Looking up is where all my great ideas come from. It doesn’t have to be, wow, I was going to say “all about God”, what I mean is, I can write about what makes me happy, and that technically already came from God. I am a “was” and now “has been” and “will be” going forward. To know this whole story of mine is already written from beginning to end is beyond what my mind can comprehend at this time.

So, I decided to know what it feels like to take ADHD medication to see what my son is now experiencing in his every day. I like to experiment like this. I like to know what things feel like or how others see things from their perspectives. I get a chance to feel a new way and it’s odd. I’m not going to lie, it’s a little strange. I feel hyped but calm at the same time? Like if I had to get up and go I just could without a second thought. Living in Florida we have a tropical storm in our line and Eddie was so scared this morning. Now I want to hug my baby and tell him it will all be okay and that it’s fine to have a normal fear, especially at his age. I almost don’t know how to take those feelings away from him because I can’t and it hurts. I love him so much and I just want to be the best Mom I know I can be now. This medicine focuses my thoughts as to how that can be possible and I just hope I can take away from this experience and feel for him when he feels uneasy about something that may seem like nothing to me.

I took a bath and as much as I would like to soak, I just never can. It feels like one process, fill the bath, shave everything off, get out of the bath, and be done. I listened to music and that experience was different. I really felt the memories of each one a little more and one that came back was to an Avril Lavigne song, “Complicated”. Hayley and I as kids made a homemade music video to it and I have to say, it was pretty horrible. LOL Certain songs that were a little too hard made me feel uneasy, but the one that made me feel deep emotion was “February 7” by the Avett Brothers and it makes me want it to be our wedding song that we dance to. Yes, I want the damn wedding, even if it is small with family.

I’m noticing small things I do like and don’t like about this already. At first, I was salivating a lot, but now my mouth is dry. I’m having a headache but I think it’s because something is pinched and it doesn’t feel that great. It’s like my left shoulder and up my neck. That’s nothing to do with it, I’m just complaining about old people’s problems. Uhm … I keep gritting my teeth. That reminds me of a past habit when I was on cocaine. I would feel this rush and grit my teeth to breathe deep and kind of swallow constantly. I am already dreading coming off of it because I feel more at peace and this love makes me feel passion for things I am thinking about or saying. I don’t know if this is something I would abuse if you want me to be totally honest. This is why I am changing the way I think and remembering that going forward, addiction is far from what I ever want to be again. I’m an addict with a sober problem. Oh. I like that.

I was talking earlier about writing and I don’t think I made that complete thought. I need to remember that the decision to step away from writing was not a bad thing and it didn’t make me any less good of a writer. I am already feeling that need to pick up my phone and text someone for validation because I have a feeling she is a lot like me when it comes to this stuff. I’m not because I will not be having it become a whole thing. Plus they have new writers and people to deal with now. I was becoming hard in my heart against a lady who, I believe, is in the beginning stages of what I went through and now is needing this more than ever. I think there is a reason as to why I am no longer there. I just sent a message to congratulate her, I don’t know if that was right or not. I felt led to it, but I want it to be God-led, not Adderall-led.

This headache sucks because it’s a nerve one and it’s going into my left eye. Ugh! I have a muscle relaxer I can take, but I don’t trust taking it during the day. I mean, it doesn’t work like it was supposed to as far as keeping me asleep, but I can tell when I do take it the pain is alleviated.  I think it’s the bra I’m wearing. I’m not sure, who knows. I’m just a big baby with too many worries over the little things. I like little things, just not when it brings me pain. Ouch.

So I keep saying I want to write a memoir. I have to say, the way Jennette McCurdy wrote hers was beautiful. It was just quick little entries and I think that’s what I am best at. I don’t think I have literal chapters in me but just “incidents” that could be one to four pages at most, long. I just don’t know if I am willing now to dig back into that stuff now that I feel I have moved on from it all. I literally feel like I have closed an entire book and am now starting a new one. My life is a series baby, let’s just get that right. LOL I’m thinking mentally, maybe it truly is okay to let the past just be that, my past and when I need to bring it up or to help someone else who needs it the most, I can be okay to relinquish what’s been said and done. I want to help others. Who doesn’t want that for someone else? Clarity? It’s all I ever wanted. Now I like to lay it out in front of me. I want to draw it out, what has happened recently. Almost like one of those circle graphs you would make in school. You have the one big idea in the middle and then the lines out and what has come from it. What is coming from or could possibly be? I think I want to do that. Give me a minute.

Well, that was fun. I put “New Life” in the middle and then coming out from it I listed:

  • Married
  • New job
  • Medication revised
  • Taking care of health issues
  • Eddie is SAFE
  • Taking care of his needs
  • Stopped writing for P31
  • New apartment that is WAY closer
  • Sober
  • Closer to God
  • Growing as a person
  • Reading more
  • More motivated
  • Less anxious
  • Blessed beyond belief

I think this is the most productive I’ve felt in a while and I now understand how Eddie can concentrate more on things and enjoy them even more. It seems like everything is intensified but for all of the right reasons. I don’t feel bad that he is taking this in order to help him with his schooling. I am proud of the little man he is becoming, any parent would say, he is not any boy, he is MY boy.  I love him with undying love and safety for his well-being that I don’t think I’ll ever be able to describe in words. Just know, it’s a lot. 

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