Those are some strong words. I find myself fighting that every day. Today I woke up and found myself mad at myself because I had not taken anything yet. I didn’t take anything for pain, anxiety, or concentration. I have nothing for engagement and now after trying to see what everything was like, I feel like I am missing that peace that I had. The feeling of creativity and want for the written word.
Our emotions really try and take us down. I have sat here for a couple hours, letting the anger manifest itself, and I keep having hateful thoughts about myself. I’m being mean to myself. I keep telling myself, I need to have something to alter my mind so I can function. I absolutely HATE being an addict. If there was one thing I could get rid of, and fast, it would be that. I don’t want to think I need to take something in order to feel happy or productive throughout my day.
I am angry at myself. I want to punch a wall. I want to fucking scream and be so mad at myself. I don’t understand a lot of times how Patrick can look at the mess that I am and love it. How he can be so sweet and say such meaningful things when I am having a mental breakdown of sorts. I don’t want that for him, to have to deal with my addictive personality all the damn time. I don’t even want to deal my myself all the damn time. Why am I being so mean to myself?
I read that, “Your future needs you, but your past doesn’t.” on Facebook. It made me realize that when I do things that will alter my brain chemistry that it makes it that much more difficult to come off of that feeling. I just get irritated, agitated, and fucking MAD.
I’m listening to my son in the other room looking through his Legos as he tries to find a piece to a set that I built a long while back. I feel bad because I think he was already playing with it and may not have realized it. As I listen to him, I think, I could be out there, but no, I’m in here, wallowing in my own fucking self-pity and internal rage. I get jealous of the stupidest things and feel like I am owed shit for whatever the damn reason may be.
I am not happy. I am angry. I am irritated. I am fucking raging inside and I want to slam my head through a door. That is all.