I can’t stand it when I’m writing in my journal and it completely deletes. I literally hit copy to save and when I went to paste it, the last paragraph pops up. My jaw dropped, like, what the fuck. I was not happy. I don’t know what I am at the moment. I think I’m better than yesterday but it’s only because he gave me half of his med. I am such a horrible person. No, I did not ask for it, but he could see I was struggling this morning. I am too afraid to even ask the doctor about it, so I’m not. I’ll just get angry again like I did last time because I’m a jealous good for nothing who feels the need to make everything so difficult.

I was able to pack a couple more boxes. A lot of coffee mugs, and some I forgot, so I was able to salvage a couple more boxes to use. I feel like I want to do things and I want to write, but it’s not as intense as it was. I just want to feel good all the time. Is that so hard to ask? Apparently, it can’t be done because I won’t allow it. I need to stop. Stop fucking complaining so much.

In my multiple stupors last night I decided to buy an elf on the shelf who has red hair for Eddie at our new apartment. She is really cute and I’m just going to name her Eden. I have an arctic fox coming for her as well and I would like Eddie to name him or her. I think he will have a good time being able to do that. I need to stop regretting things the next day after I buy them, especially for Eddie. I just don’t have much money at this time and probably won’t be getting a paycheck for a couple weeks, so I am going for broke obviously. I love doing things for him like that though. I want her to have him read things in order to get little surprises. Hmmm… might actually be a good idea. Just simple sentences since he still is not that into reading. I could feel the guilt rush over me. I have really got to remember this is not my doing.

Everyone struggles with something. Lord knows I am not good at math. My son’s math is just as confusing as ever. They are having him learn the ways to get the answer in very strange ways. It just seems like extra steps he doesn’t need. I know he will be just fine. He is smart and now his medicine helps. It’s because it’s made for kids and it was an all-day release. I wanted to see the difference. The difference is that Adderall truly helps me to focus without losing it. I’m obsessing over this and it’s not okay.

Why am I focusing on such a menial part of my thoughts? I just want to be happy and let it be.

Dad and I are supposed to run by the storage unit and then he wants to see where we will be living. I told him I would like to get out and actually see where “204” actually is. Patrick wouldn’t get out, but I understand, he isn’t that way. I am a nosey person, I need to know and visualize. Is that normal? I want to know if am I on the left or right side of the hall, front or back … the left or right side of the building. There were only two sets of stairs so it was either one or the other. Guess we will actually find out. So, at least that’s exciting.

I feel bad because Eddie hasn’t really engaged himself in anything today and I feel like his days off are just him watching his Kindle, playing Xbox, or watching the tv. He has this fear of the outside because they made him so afraid of storms at school. So now whenever it is overcast or the sun hides behind the clouds, he freaks out. I feel horrible for him. When we do get outside, he loves it. We’ve taken walks up to the park and around the block. When I can get him to do these things I truly enjoy the time we spend. I feel like he needs to play with Legos or something.

So now he is playing with legos because I told him it was time to take a break from screens. Yet here I find myself reopening the laptop because I’m feeling that “bored” feeling again. Oh, I can’t stand it. It truly is the worst. I’m thinking that once I start working again and actually have something to do, it’ll be better. I’m just done being stagnant and unable to think of things. I am getting so irritated at myself again for complaining so much. I wish I wasn’t this way.

I’ve noticed putting on makeup every day makes me feel like I have a purpose but then it makes me feel like I’ve got to go somewhere and I have nowhere to go. I can’t even drive if I wanted to. No car, no license. It’s been so long since I have gotten used to it. I mean, almost 6 years … it just doesn’t really phase me anymore. It’s something I don’t have a problem with and I even told Patrick that it’s not necessarily a top priority. I think working on my mental health is something I need to focus on a lot more.  I am far from healing, just in the process and some good things have come from it, don’t get me wrong. I’m thankful and blessed and that’s what I should be doing. I should be thanking God for what I have and this “boredom” because it gives me the opportunity to enjoy what I have in this life and know I’m not suffering like I used to be. 

I am sorry for being such a complaining mess, I’m usually not like this. Having this outlet really helps me to get out my emotions and stop and think about what I’m feeling and why so intensely. It’s so nice to be able to vent and rant and not have to worry about what others are thinking. (Says the woman who cares …)

Alright. Until next time.


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