Packing update: My dad put together my sister’s stroller for her wee one today and I was gifted a really huge box. Needless to say, I utilized that bitch in five minutes. I got all of the wall hangings down and I added blankets and stuffed animals to get out of the way. I’m not joking, I have like 20 blankets and way too many stuffed animals. I still have Scooby Doo, Eevee, and Cubone out. They are all huge ones, so I may just individually take them upstairs. I repacked our bathroom stuff that we don’t even touch, I don’t know why I didn’t just put those in storage from the beginning. I did pack the new lube, dang it. Backdoor play is fun. I don’t care what you say.

I am sitting on the day bed thinking of everything that still needs to go. This bed, the stand-alone a/c unit, the lamps, computer things, clothes, paperwork in the drawers, mini fridge, computer chairs, side table, hanging shoe rack, and the big ol’ mirror on the wall. I have wall clings, but I’m just going to leave them, I can get new ones at the apartment. They are all God-inspired so it’s nice reminders during my day when I look up and it says, “Be patient, be gentle, be humble, be loving -Ephesians 4:2-3 “Let go and Let God”, “Hope, Faith, Love”, and a sticker that says, “Be-you-tiful”. I did pack the last one, it held a good stick and so It went back on one of the pictures.

Dad and I did go by the apartment yesterday. We are on the second floor on the back right. I’m excited. I didn’t want to be facing the parking lot, just the backside with the grass. I am looking forward to decorating and putting up our Christmas tree that day. Dang straight, I will not go past December 15th without a tree up! I don’t care if it’s just the tree with lights and no ornaments, I need one in the living room. It’s my reminder that I’m home and it’s time to celebrate Jesus. I mean, every day is that way, you know what I mean …

I decided to half it again and I noticed that I am not having the same feeling, so I believe that the tolerance just builds up over a short period of time and you just stay motivated and focused. This gives me all the more reason to not have to be jealous or depend on something that isn’t for me. I just needed to watch my tolerance screw it up for me and now I feel fine about it all. The fact he doesn’t care for it all at once makes me happy too. Seeing someone who is not addicted to drugs or anything is such a beautiful sight. It’s so nice to know that he can be here for me when I am having my days and he knows that it can be hard for me. I had two horrible days, and one day I was on it, so I know there are just emotions running wild and that I am needing my depo shot soon, which always screws with my hormones. That’s one thing about it, I feel great after I get it and for about two months, and then when the third is about to hit, I am ALL over the place. I wish I would’ve taken that into consideration before making such a big deal about nothing at all.

This is how I process, and you got to see the process. It’s crazy how things work out sometimes. I like being able to go back and see what little things I’ve made it through. I can look back and think, “Okay, it’s been since the beginning of April since I’ve drank … I’m using marijuana medically for sleep … I haven’t had the urge to go out and buy anything and mess it all up.” Ever since I married Patrick, nothing else seems to matter when it comes to alcohol. It’s just never been his lifestyle and I’m not about to make it mine. I get to be happy and healthy with him. I get to experience moments and memories and remember them with clarity. It’s such a gift that I never thought I deserved.

I’m glad I stuck through this and was able to get good sleep last night. I just need to take Xanax to sleep and I’m fine. Too bad I decided to stop taking it. Sometimes I wonder if I overreact and then when I start to realize what things are good for, it’s too late. Hmmm … Or they just aren’t in my life anymore for a reason and I’m okay with that too.