I am now a part of Discord. I never really messed with it before but my sweet husband let me join one of his servers and I absolutely adore it. The people seem really friendly. I just want to be a part of something that he is because I love him. I don’t ever want him to think I’m invading any type of space or anything.
I cleaned Eddie’s room and he had so many suckers stuck to his floor that it triggered a memory from a long time ago and it made me dizzy as I was picking them up. It made me want to scrap them and just forget. How do you forget? Simple, stupid. You just remember where you are, whose you are, and how far you have come. I have got to remember that this life is only getting better now even with the hiccups, it’s nothing like it used to be.
My mindset may still have issues, but it’s nothing like where I was 5 years ago. I need to find something to do today with Eddie. Something fun. Maybe I can do a picnic with him in the living room because it looks a little cloudy out. I wish he would color with me, but that’s not his cup of tea. I know he loves playing games, so maybe we can do that.
My team leader sent me some “happy mail” yesterday, which I was not expecting. It came with a sweet card, a prayer card, a bookmark, crayons, and a coloring book. Now, she obviously knows me, I love to color, especially lately. Maybe I’ll do that.
I have been writing down scripture about peace here lately and I feel like Jesus is pushing peace into my life at the moment. I think I’m finally understanding that there can be a certain amount of peace knowing where I am now in life. I need to be accepting of it because in my mind there can still be chaotic days internally when there is no need for it. I have pushed my feelings to the side about my job but they keep creeping in. I can’t help that. I find something I’m not too bad at and then I feel like I’m not doing anything right at all, that’s imposter syndrome for you. I hate it. I feel like a fraud and that I will be let go once they see my metrics or listen to my calls. Why can’t I just let it go? If I’m going to succeed, I’ll succeed, if I’m going to fail, I fail. It is what it is. I can’t let the man scare me, there’s no reason.
I bet you I am not the only one who feels this way, I’m sure a ton of them feel like this and we just hide it behind masks of insecurity.
I love watching Patrick play Pokemon because I bring out the kid in him and he always mentions to me when things are evolving so I can watch it. It’s my favorite part. He is so sweet to me. I don’t know why I constantly think he really doesn’t want to be with me. Why would he have married me if I was not “the one”. He talks about me and says sweet things in Discord too and it makes me feel appreciated. I have a lot of internal and relational healing to do too. I was really messed up my whole dating career. It was with an abusive guy after the next and so on and so forth. I was told I don’t need to wear makeup, I’m too fat, and I am the problem. I need to move on from that. The last one was I was crazy and an alcoholic, soooooo I mean, not wrong. I am a little crazy but it’s my spice of life.
I love when I just go on random rants because they don’t make sense, and have no rhyme or reason.
I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving. It was a small get-together on our end. I enjoy those the most. It just felt warm and happy. Here’s a picture of Eddie and I. I can’t get enough of this sweet boy. He makes me so happy.
I couldn’t leave out my husband, I love that man right there. What a wonderful first Thanksgiving married. We have so much more to go and all the time in the world to build our life and love and laugh and just be. That’s a very reassuring thought.
Enjoy your weekend!