Look at me writing a Dr. Seuss banger.
I have had a rough day. Mentally… and then physically. I can’t have one without the other. Oh and the actual stomachache and nausea that come with it. My mind is a fog, a blur, and I’m not sure what I am trying to think or say or do when I know exactly what I should be thinking, saying, and doing.
Normally this happens during work. Of course. Why wouldn’t? Today was a doozy… and I was wracking my brain so hard to think of why I was feeling like this. Then it hit me, square in the uterus… my unborn baby. I was telling it’s father on Valentine’s Day he was going to be a daddy and then he wasn’t.
I was 17 at the time and I had no business with any old man in my business. He was 25. He was abusive in every way imaginable. He made me feel like a low piece of trash. If I could change one thing in my life it would be him. How after all this time this could bring back such horrific pain and anxiety. Why I keep thinking how I’m a horrible person for letting that child go. I didn’t feel I had a choice in the matter anyway so it’s not like it mattered. That’s exactly where I left it and right where I’m picking it back up.
It mattered, my decision matters, my choices, what I wear, what I drink or eat that day, how I find ways to talk to my son whenever I can. It’s all of it, it all matters. Why have I never seen this before? I mean, this is not the first time we’ve pondered this or brought this back up in our life, but it’s really bad today.
I have my son who loves me and I love so much, he was a miracle and a blessing and a gift from God. I have to remember where I am right now, in the moment, not back then, in the nonexistance. It’s not there anymore and neither am I! Hello!! Listen to yourself. I’m tired of not picking up the pieces of these janky puzzle pieces. So many pieces. Ugh. I hate that word.
I’m blaming and shaming myself and that’s all I’m doing. I have been wondering who I should talk to all day because I needed someone. I knew Emily would always understand anything I have to tell her, but I was vague. I didn’t want to ruin anyones day. Not like I didn’t ruin my own. I didn’t, I’m going to let this go. I just feel like there are things I haven’t worked through when I thought I had.
I love my husband. I love my son. I love my God. I love my family. I am blessed. I am alive. I am typing this right now. I have been given a task in this life and I have got to live it out, but how? Is this it? Is this a huge deal to anyone but me? Learning and finding out where it all started, where it went wrong. Why the bottom of the screen looks like darkness and where I write is the light.
It’s from starring at a computer screen too long today, yup. I’m a genius.
Now I don’t feel like talking about “feelings” and I want to lay down. Ugh. Make up my mind…
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