My mind is not alone. I’m not one single piece. Lies. You fool. This is just your hateful side. You aren’t proud of it but it’s here, get used to it. Ugh… why did you make me write that? I feel fuzzy. I don’t feel here. I’m floaty. It’s nice, I don’t mind it.

I have the weirdest thoughts. I don’t understand why I can’t think after I think something so dumb and then freak out and don’t write it down. It’s just me, no body else, chilllllll. Like, seriously, go take a chill puff. Thank you. I’m glad you went with the Indy. Much better. I need to either turn off or pause this show. I want something on in the background but I can’t concentrate when there is.

Damn cooking shows.

I have chocolate now, we good. So anyway. This bitch was thinking about a titty demon named TT and then thought to call her Taryn the Trogon. We going with it. Yeah, you are crazy, it’s all good though, we all crazy. Seriously. Never going to be “normal” but I think there is a reason why.

I’m sad because people think they know when Jesus is coming back down and trying to predict or heard us to this thought when it’s not true. We have no instruction from God only from Jesus that He is coming back. I don’t know if that makes sense. It does to me.

I’m tired of the stupid attempts to scare us and make us fall under the commands of the government. It’s frustrating and I hate to see it because it’s a stupid mechanism to make you not want to look away and then believe it, which I see so many people do. I know I do it somewhere in my life but I’m not sure where that is. I’m sure a couple authors I’ve read are not something I should’ve read in my life and will do again without giving it second thought. Reading it is just the same as performing, lusting, or doing it. Wow. Okay, that felt good. Just letting something out without interruption.

I have been thinking about my life. I wake up, start worrying right away. Start thinking those things before I even get to the thought process of God, thank you for waking me up today. I am so sorry you aren’t my first and every thought. Forgive me. It’s so hard and I honestly don’t know how to, I admit it. I feel good admitting this because I never thought I would admit it. I’m not doing enough. (Okay, that was a wrong thought.) As soon as I sat and read it, I remembered it’s not what we do enough of to be loved by Jesus, we just love Him, believe in Him, and follow Him home. That’s all I want to do.

So I get up and use the bathroom, take meds, have bad thoughts, think if I want coffee or not. Usually end up making coffee whether I drink it or not. I sit down at my computer and turn on my software and do my job from 10-4:30. Breaks and such in between where I lay down under a blanket and think, which are usually worried thoughts or sad thoughts or triggered thoughts. It’s not directly on God it’s on me and my misery and my pain that I am so focused on that it shouldn’t even matter. I do NOT live in the moment at all. This is my problem. I am always somewhere else but right where I should be. Time is nothing to me now, it has no meaning, it’s just a number we go by to dictate what we are doing around that number. That kind of dumbed down actually sounds pretty dumb.

Does anyone else see that?

I feel guilty when I talk about myself and not about my son. I know I use this to get out my stupid running thoughts but I know I don’t talk about Eddie enough. He is my little love. I still worry about his focus and reading/writing. It kills my writer side. I then go right into blaming myself, I’m not doing enough. There we go again, “I’m not doing enough.” I should just write a book called “I’m Not Doing Enough: I’m not doing enough … “

I’m doing exactly what God is wanting me to do right now and it’s write out something, whatever it is that I can just drop down on a page where no one has to read it unless you share it. I feel like I write for an audience. Why don’t I write for myself? What do I want to hear? What do I want to talk about? What does God want me to write or talk about? We are so selfish. I feel like there is something I need to work on but I’m confused as to what and I don’t think it’s about what I wrote about before. I feel it’s something else. But what? Confidence? That’s low. We could work on that. That would be a good one.

You have to be confident tomorrow when you do the Zoom call you do not and did not want to do but you don’t know how to say no so you are a people pleaser and codependent. Yup. Pretty much. I love him too much not to be a character witness for his case. Court is one of the most triggering places I could be. I am breaking through my fear, my trigger, my nerves, my anxiety, my depression, my addiction, through IT ALL to be there. I am angry at myself because I didn’t know I would have to actually be on trial, on stand. If I would have known the details I don’t think  I would’ve done it. There again I feel like I owe him this and if I don’t do it I go to jail so what the fuck else decision do I have now?! Yeah, none. I put myself here. Stuck me right into a pit of dark anxiety that he says Xanax can fix. Here’s the thing, when it’s SO bad, it doesn’t work. Smoking helps me to fight my anxiety. It doesn’t normally calm me it makes me fight the fearful thoughts, the anxious thoughts, it’s like an exercise so that when I am sober, I am so much more relaxed than I could be.

I’m coming off the Lexapro because it is starting to make me wake up in cold sweats and frantic mind and nope. I’m not going through it. I don’t think I’m meant to be on anxiety meds. I think smoking helps me enough to where I am comfortable being high when around people. It’s crazy but pretty cool. I am a fan of medicinal marijuana. I think it is a miracle to have and to help so many with so many disorders and diseases be able to cope a little better. So maybe this is my thing that I am so behind and won’t change my mind about. When I said when I have a sober mind, I don’t feel that medicinally smoking makes you a junky. No, it makes the joints and aches in my back and legs go away. My mind can go through what it needs, calm, and be able to eat without feeling guilty for wanting to eat.

I’m so glad I decided to write, I didn’t know this was going to happen.

I like to cook. I think that the wings I made last night were a tad bit too salty. I know… for me to say that is kind of a crazy statement. It was GOOD. Don’t get me wrong. It was soft and succulent wings and a nice crispy skin, but a tad bit salty. I think it would be a dish that could’ve gone either way. Really loved or meh… I know how to make some things and when I do them, I do them good.

I am the master of breakfast. I can do anything and it turns out wonderful. I am tooting my own horn here, but it’s the truth. You know what’s awesome? My man LOVES anything breakfast. He is my soul FOOD mate. Haha.

I love making breakfast sandwiches the most, then pancakes they turn out picture perfect. Want to see?

Mhmm.. Yum, I know!

I like to make eggs of all kinds and hash. I make a hash bowl with just a fried egg on top and break the yolk into it, oh it’s SO good. I need to find Canadian bacon to make. One thing I think I need more skill with is omelets. I just haven’t made a lot of them, when I do, they end up a little too done for my liking. I have to have something runny or cheesy or something. Oh, DUH. My breakfast burritos are amazing too. I make them all sorts of ways, I can do “made to order”.

So anyway, now that we are talking about something positive, I feel myself smiling, which is nice. I should try being nicer to myself more often.

Do you ever think that when we are awake we are really asleep. Our sleep is boring and what we do during the day we don’t want to do and then the dream-like state is our unreal world. Okay, I need to stop now, I’m sorry. I’m starting to confuse myself and all sorts of what. Yeah.

I hope this amuses you.

-Me.