I hate that I just said that title in a southern accent and now I am doing it again. Ugh.

So I’ve been wanting a verse that kind of goes with how I’m feeling right now and I found one and on accident.

“For you have been my hope, Sovereign LORD, my confidence since my youth. From birth I have relied on you; you brought me forth from my mother’s womb, I will ever praise you. I have become a sign to many; you are my strong refuge.”

Psalms 71:5-7

I need to remember who my hope has always been and always will be. Yes, I put my hope in all the wrong things, but a part of me always put my hope in God. No matter what. As small of a mustard seed as it may be, it was always there and always will. I have been placed in a family who truly cares about me and a son who loves the ever living heck out of me. I have a husband who adores me as I do him. We both have jobs. I have to count the blessings I have in this life because if I don’t, I’ll find all the negative bullshat.

I have Sushi, that sweet kitty … I have a roof over my head, clothes on my body, ring on my finger, makeup on my face, a cold with horrible sinus issues, so I am alive and feeling that good ol’ pain, baby. I have a phone charging as we speak, I have medicinal mj if I need it. I have smooth jazz chill music on and I was able to get released from work early today. I am learning that my mistakes are far and few between but I will still make them like the idiot I am. As far as drinking, I never want to make that mistake again, it’s not appealing and I feel like throwing up when I remember the smell of it. Like dry heave. Yeah. That part gets to you after a while. The mix of stale whisky and vomit, that’s Jim Beam. It’s all I could smell in my nose, even when I would chase it. I feel sick.

I don’t know why I just went on that little rant. I was just saying how blessed I am and then here comes the mental disability right on time. Oh, is it my 4:30 session, YES, apparently it is. Yikes. I’m a mess in all sorts of ways at the moment.  Mmm menthol nose spray, oh my goodness, but does it work, yes girl. Okay, enough. What has gotten in to me, or not out of me? Something, someone… but who. Dun dun dun.

Uh, I’m at a lose at this point. I feel like a teenager because I’m in baggy bellbottoms and a Slipknot shirt with my makeup did and I’m just feeling my vibe. So that’s fun, may have just age slid. Tik Tok has a dumb teen thing and it makes me look nothing like I did as a teenager. It makes me look like I either have the mumps or marshmallows in my mouth trying to say “Chubby Bunny”. Haha..

I don’t want to be noticed, it’s why I haven’t branched out. I don’t have the mental capabilities for that, we talked about this. I just want to be heard. I thought you didn’t. I don’t know, it’s weird. It’s hard. It’s what makes you look insane to some and perfectly sane to the others. So, why? Why take the time to doll up and try to make yourself cute and do any of this? Why put up a TikTok and have your cat videobomb it? She’s cute, she’d get views. Little Sushi Shiitake Mushroom Krehemker. That’s her whole name, yup! I just made it up and I’m sticking with it.

She was playing with Patrick’s little gun ornament earlier and I kept singing, “Sushi’s got a gun … Sushi’s got a gun … Her cat day’s just begun … now everybody is on the run.” (Play off “Janie’s Got a Gun” – Aerosmith) Sometimes we need to specify.

I am looking at this and thinking, who all wrote this because it was not just one conscious mind. No siree Bob we don’t! Yes, read that in a Canadian/Minnesotian accent.

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