I just got back from a walk and took a shower and I feel extremely nauseated. It was 88 degrees out, no shade, and I did walk almost 3 miles, so I guess I shouldn’t complain. I forced myself to eat a banana for the potassium seeing as how I didn’t eat anything until then. Patrick handed me a fruit punch Powerade Zero and honestly, they aren’t too bad. They taste like a watered down Kool-Aid drink. I took an off-brand Zyrtec and this is the second time taking it and it gives me heartburn when I do. Go figure. Do I just fight the pain for about 15 minutes so I can have 24 hours worth of relief or is this going to be too much of a burden? Ugh…

So I feel stagnant. Everything I love to do, including this, feels like a chore now. I don’t have the want to read, write, study the Bible, be a small group leader, play video games, watch television … music is iffy. It depends. I just feel like I am in this weird funk and I can’t get out of it. I sit on my daybed and look out at what I call the “pretty tree” and just think. Not the greatest thoughts pop in to my mind, but what can I do? Oh, right. Think positive thoughts. Tee hee.

I’m working on my weight but even walking makes me cringe and huff and puff (literally) when I do it. My aunt likes to do these weekly challenges on this walking app and invites me to join … and I do … BUT WHY?! I just make myself frustrated and feel like now I HAVE to do it or I’m going to seem like a big jerk. This time I initiated the challenge though because no matter how pissed off at myself I get, I’m going to try. I am really regretting everything I did now.

I’ve been on my new meds for about a month and a half now and honestly, I don’t know if there is a difference. I mean, I’m not cowering under covers anymore wishing I could just stay there. I try to do things around here but I almost don’t know what that is … ever. I feel lost but I’m not, I hate that expression, “I feel lost”. It’s not that, I feel stagnant. I feel unmotivated. I feel like I don’t even know who I am anymore. I am trying to figure out what I like and would like to do but it’s like I can’t come up with anything. I’m blank. I miss writing, I miss having things to say that don’t sound repetitive. I feel like I myself as a person is boring right now.

When I’m with my son I don’t feel like I am entertaining enough or that I’m always tired. I’m trying to get my energy back and I know I’m just bashing myself. I don’t ever want my Eddie to not think I don’t love him or try as hard as I can. I’m giving all I got right now and no, it might not be enough, but it’s what I can do. I just feel like I’ve only given that to him my whole life and it’s not fair. I love him so much. Patrick just came in here to show me this TikTok of those wall mounted fish singing “Wellerman” and that is one of Eddie’s favorite songs. (Mine too) He is into music and he really loves Imagine Dragons. He used to love the song “Believer” but now he is into their song called “Bones”. I showed him a song with the lead singer of ID and YUNGBLUD and he loved it, called, “Original Loser”. I love that little man loves his music, he is just like me.

My thoughts are even boring. I keep wondering, what am I going to do with myself when I am done doing this? Do I make something for dinner? I am not hungry. Do I watch Master Chef? Ugh… I’ve always got that on in the background because there is nothing else to do at the moment. I have it silent right now and it’s quite nice. The overhead fan feels good and even though I know I want to blow dry my hair, I’m not. Not a fan of the way it looks when it dries naturally. Maybe I just shouldn’t care because why? Who am I trying to impress? I don’t have to. I have my amazing husband who loves me no matter what style I am pulling off. I have been enjoying PJ wearing style right now. Working from home definitely has some perks.

I’ve got my really big wolf plush next to me that looks like a real life-sized husky and it reminds me of Dexter. I do miss him a lot, but I know he is so happy where he is and that makes me happy. He even has a blind buddy playmate, they are two peas in a pod. I miss having a dog. It’s nice and all that we have a cat, but I’ve never been a cat person. No shame to the feline community (we got those haters I’m sure) but I am a woman with a canine personality, we just click more. Hopefully we will have a new pupper sometime between July/August, that was the plan. I want a corgi more than life itself. Eddie is hellbent on naming him Hammy like from the TikTok and FB shorts Corgi and his sister Olivia.

I think it’s going to be Sake or Wasabi or something that complements Sushi. Ginger if it’s a girl. I don’t know, it’ll be interesting to see what happens when the time comes. I’m such a huge dog person. I love German Shepherds and Huskies, they are my ultimate favorite. Corgi is a strong 3rd and it’s because we aren’t allowed to have big dogs in these apartments, so that’s what we shall do.

My legs are shaking. Great. Love that feeling. I think I have a pinched nerve or slipped disc because it has been hurting like hell for 2 weeks or so now. Today I woke up and felt like I had numb legs and couldn’t walk. I’m psyching myself out because I smoked and forgot and that always makes me dizzy and like I can’t walk properly. I wasn’t smoking when I woke up though, so still, not too sure what it’s all about. I do have sciatica pretty bad in my right leg and it falls asleep on me when I sleep a lot. I have arthritis in my lower back, so that doesn’t help. Muscle relaxers don’t do anything for it. The only I was put on made me fall asleep, so I use that as a sleep aid now. Just depends on the night.

I guess this is it for now. More than I anticipated.

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