Search Me

God, I desperately need you to search me right now. I need to know where my priorities lie and where I’m going wrong. My anxieties are getting the best of me and I’m over-analyzing and making up situations in my head and they haven’t even happened. I’m creating scenarios that aren’t even real and it’s because you all keep messing with my head. You are all so LOUD today and it’s getting to be a little much. I’m being pulled one way and then the other. A voice of reason followed by a voice of toxicity. You make me stop, you scream my name and I freeze because it sounds like you are right next to me. I calm, I dissociate, and I listen.

I sometimes don’t understand this disorder. I am so extremely uplifted, happy, and feeling on top of the world and then another voice and it’s a drastic change of character. I want to know. What is it we really want? I have a feeling only a handful of you want to keep up a life of uncertainties and abuse. WHY?! I don’t care if that’s all we’ve known, it’s not what we are about to continue to know. I know you are frightened, trying to make things over complicated and difficult to move on, and I am trying so hard to make you see we are so much better than all of that. We are better than shot after shot of empty feelings, bruises, and mental instability. We are more than being disrespected and never being thought of first. I am sick and tired of being number two in my life. I am tired of being put on the backburner, being left wondering what in the hell did I do to deserve this?! I am so angry and I don’t even know what all about. These emotions sometimes are just not my own but they are being felt so deeply by someone else that they release themselves into my own mix of feelings.

I feel like I’m going crazy when I’m not allowed to move on from a thought and I’m being made to dwell on it. I can’t find ways to detour myself from it and I feel helpless and then I become anxious and I feel like my chest has so much pressure that I want to pass out. I don’t know how I’m even typing any of this. My heart is hurting because I feel my love draining, I’m being squeezed in so many directions and I feel like giving up. I can’t stand having so much love and it going unnoticed or being shrugged off. I, in good faith, can’t do it anymore. I can’t feel this way anymore and I’m not about to go drastically about things because it would kill Bets.

No one is going to put anymore hurt on her. It stops now. I know what she aspires after. She doesn’t want to be alone and is trying so hard to go to God before anyone else. Humanity is such a complex thing and a struggle to do what is right all the time. It’s confusing and I am living proof.

Search my heart and help it to calm down and meditate on your words, Lord. I know what I want and to come to you with it all is so scary. I want to move back, I want to go through my divorce, I want to be with the man I want to be with, I want to be a good mother, I want to be a woman after God’s own heart, I want to lead women and be on the front lines of this war, I want so much and I am being pulled in so many directions that the directions coming from him is so blurred. Where am I supposed to be? How am I supposed to feel? Is what I’m doing with my life what you intend for me? Do I just keep living and feeling this way and over complicate and ruin what I’ve got? How can I calm down when my heart is racing, feeling my pulse in every part of my body. I feel so helpless. I can’t stop shaking and I don’t feel real. I don’t like watching myself and looking into my own eyes to see the fear, the hurt, the sadness, the broken, the happy, the gloss over them. Numb.

I want to work through this feeling right now because I don’t think I can take feeling this way a second more. I want to feel at peace with myself and my emotions. I want us to all get along and understand it’s okay to feel what you are feeling. We are here to protect every single part of you. There’s nothing more we want than for your safety, your peace of mind, and your participation in communicating with us. You are really good at putting up your walls and ear muffs when you are hearing things you don’t want. I promise it won’t get easier if you don’t deal with what we need to tell you. What you need to work through. Relationships can’t work unless you work with yourself. You need to take the time for you and stop giving so much of yourself. I know you think it’s because you aren’t wanted, but stop and think, Bets. What are others going through? Almost all the time it’s what they are struggling with, what they are going through, you’ve done nothing wrong. All you can do is hang on the sidelines and be tagged in when you are wanted or needed. Bets, we’ve been doing it our whole life, what’s going to change now?

God has you here for a reason and it’s so much bigger than ourself. I think you know exactly what it is you are here for and you don’t want to admit what a lonely and sometimes numb reason. You can give as much of yourself as possible but Bets, not everyone is going to give just as much back. Do not change who you are for anyone. You are a unique, gifted, and talented woman. You have so much to offer in this life and the ones who realize it will be forever impacted by you. The hold you have over some is ridiculous but you never make it go to your head. You think so little of yourself and it’s time to change that aspect. Please re-read this over and over and realize that we see the woman you truly are. You won’t ever know anyone like yourself and you need to start loving and seeing yourself the way others do. Can you do that for me?

Lord, I ask you once more, with clarity in my heart and reasoning in my head, search me. Show me the road I’m to be heading down. Place your precepts into my life and help me to abide by them as best as humanly possible. Use me. Guide me in where I’m supposed to be. Who I’m supposed to be. You see exactly who I am and you know who we are. I wouldn’t be this way if you didn’t intend it to be. You gave me alters to help me live to help me survive. Why I had to wait so long to figure all of this out, only you know that answer. Please help me with the answers because right now, Lord, all I’ve got is questions. -Bets/Autumn/Jason

Take My Life Into Your Hands

Lord, I’d like to come to you this morning and thank you for opening my eyes to another sunshine filled day full of hope and all your glories. The steaming hot coffee flowing through my parted lips never tasted sweeter. The music streaming through my earbuds and dancing playfully through my head and bringing a huge smile to my face. A voice that pleases you as it harmonizes and worships with every ounce of sincerity. This is the way we like to wake up and start our day off.

This week starts the “pre-study” portion of our upcoming study, Dangerous Prayers by Craig Groeschel. The book is wonderful and I can’t wait to go through it a couple more times. I’m honestly hoping that our wonderful ladies will get as much out of it as they put into it. That’s one of the reasons why I am coming here today. I want to open this blog up and pray for them.

Lord,

We come to you as humbly as we know and ask that you fill the lives of these women with strength, courage, and the will to want to pray to you as dangerously as they can. Fill them with your wisdom and guidance as we take these next 6 weeks and dig deep into our way of communication to you. Please lay your hand on: Altagracia, Andi, Angela, Anna, Becki, Becky, Carla, Debbie, Deborah, Deni, Donna, Emily, Jennifer, Kassie, Kelsey, Kim, Kristin, Michele, Patty, Rachel, Stacey, Sylvia, Tina, Violet and of course, Victoria and myself. Help each and every one of these women to see their gifts and help them to understand and utilize their talents as unique and individual as they are. Let them be mindful and open to the fact that we can no longer live safely without taking a step in your direction. That we need to be honest with our desires and yearn for clarity in our purpose driven life.

Reach out and let them know that you are with them every step of the way and that this is truly a place they belong. Help them to communicate with everyone, step out of the shadows and take hold of the reigns of their voice. Let them be a light to others and help maneuver through your scriptures with hunger for your truths. Father, you are what we strive for, the role model we look up to in all times, not just desperation. I love that we all belong to you. Please be a gentle voice to lead them in this season and throughout the rest of their lives unto you.

In Your Heavenly Name,

Amen.

“And they devoted themselves to the apostles’ teaching and the fellowship, to the breaking of bread and the prayers. And awe came upon every soul, and many wonders and signs were being done through the apostles. And all who believed were together and had all things in common. And they were selling their possessions and belongings and distributing the proceeds to all, as any had need. And day by day, attending the temple together and breaking bread in their homes, they received their food with glad and generous hearts, praising God and having favor with all the people. And the Lord added to their number day by day those who were being saved.” Acts 2:42-47

Graffiti Giraffe

Everyone has something that is pleasurable to the eye. This picture is just that. I had no idea that a graffiti giraffe could make my heart so happy. It was such a simple request for the picture to be taken and I didn’t know you were really going to do it. Memories in the making keeps me going, happy, and hopeful.

Looking at the blue of the St. Johns River through the boards of the pier, it brings such a tranquil and serene feeling to me. The calm waters were up against the rapid beating of my heart taking you in as you stood there. Seeing my heart out of my body is something I’ve never been able to describe in such a way until you walked into my life again. Puppy love would be jealous of the way this feeling has a hold on me. Each time I breath in I feel this calming, almost awakening bliss. When I breath out, it’s to let go the anticipation I have until I can be in your arms once more.

I remember the way I stood against the railing and you came up and held me from behind. The warmth of your skin on mine, the way your fingers curled perfectly between mine. Closing my eyes and taking in that moment so it would stay as fresh as the smell of the water and always captivate my heart every time I think about it. The safety I feel, being engulfed by your stature, feeling the love radiate from your pulse. It has never felt right until now. I wish I could reach out and touch this emotion because it is foreign and ever so comforting that I want to hang on to it for the rest of my life. I believe you could provide this for the rest of ours.

As many times as this has been said, you do something to me that I can’t ever put my finger on. I’ve never felt so naked when I am with you. I’m vulnerable and yet I want you to see every bit of me in ways no one else ever could. You possess that ability to take the real, raw, and emotional mess of a woman that I am and you’ve helped turn it into a perfection I’ve never known. Flaws and all. The words you coo in my ear, the breeze of your breath on my neck, and your hands exploring what is to become so rightfully yours. I’m stunned by you and I’m never turning back. This wolf has found her paradise and it’s always going to be in you. My soul pulls me towards you. The notion that I am right where I belong is one that I can only have with you.

I try so hard to pull these words out of the air, place them strategically together to form the perfect sentence. I’m pretty sure it doesn’t exist or I’ve yet to claim it. You leave me begging for more, long winded and wordy, yet speechless all at the same time. How that’s possible, someone please explain. I see the words flow through the wind but they are so uplifted and full of spirit that they don’t want to land. They want to continue the story and that starts with me and you.

So graffiti giraffe, thank you for being a small sign that will always lead me back to the memory of that day. I will treasure you until the day I die. – Bets/Autumn

Elemental Healing

Despite the dream I had right before I woke up, I absolutely love my life. Have you ever started your day and thought, “Ya, it’s going to be an awesome day.” Bingo. I love when I am in a great mood, smile effortlessly planted on my face and a song in my heart. These are the days I cherish because I keep seeing more and more of them. It’s been so long since I could honestly say I am truly happy with everything going on in my life. Everything is moving forward. I’m not slipping back and I don’t want to look back.

I’ve been making strides in my life to make myself feel better. I’ve changed my eating habits and there is a difference. To anyone saying that isn’t a thing, you’ve got to be kidding yourself. I’ve been incorporating little workouts into my routine, again, the burn feels so good. I’m listening to uplifting music, reading positive material, and learning to lead more proficiently through ministry. I am in such an elemental state and I’m praying I don’t come out of it for a while. I’m too comfortable with temporary and if anybody knows me, I don’t do normal. Ordinary is so mainstream.

It’s funny that when you decide to change for the better something tends to click and even your cloudy days can seem sunny. I do have to say, I’m glad that the sun is shining through today. It’s a beautiful day outside, I say as I write from my couch. Eh. I’m working on myself, give me a break. The windows are open and fresh air is still circling through my nose. Spring has such a specific scent. Things are becoming new and growing. My growth is becoming beautiful too. I’m still opening my eyes to the fact that I can be happy and loved with such immensity I can’t even begin to explain.

Something I also noticed. People are so negative about everything. What good ever came out of anxious, negative, and fearful responses? Nothing. I can tell you that one plain and simple. You might surprise yourself if you throw in a sprinkle of positivity, even if it’s just one change you make each day. Before you know it the cup has become half full again. I can tell you, my response to that scenario was always half empty. Nah. That’s not the case anymore and it’s such a simple yet rewarding response.

If there is a goal that I could claim, it’d be this. I want to be a positive influence on the people I come in contact with in this life. I want others to believe in a light when I am in their presence. I just want to be a good in others lives because everybody deserves happiness. I’ve dealt with such negativity all my life and now I finally feel like I’m a shining beacon of hope. You better believe I’m going to put my all into everything I do. The experiences I’ve been through shows what a warrior I am. My strength is through heartache and bruises whether it be mental or physical. I shouldn’t even be here today but I am. If it wasn’t being beat, drinking until I couldn’t remember, being strung out on drugs thinking my heart was going to eventually beat out of my chest, or being used like a community fountain. I’ve almost drowned but found my strength to make it up to the surface to finally breathe again. The most delicious, life-altering experience in itself. I found God again.

I know that when we think of the wolf, we think of the beast with the gnarly teeth, a savage, ready to kill. It’s used in the bible as when the sheep lose their way, they are scared of the wolf. I am that wolf. I identify more with the wolf than that of a sheep. I don’t know if that’s selfish in not wanting to be “of the flock” that follow Christ, our Shepherd. I see myself in a different way. I am on the outside, looking in, and I just want to help lead the sheep back to the pasture. I want to show we may look intimidating on the outside, but we are gentle giants on the inside. Beautiful as the sheep, scarred just as deep, with just as glorious of a song in our soul as the next.

I have a pack of wolves that sing their beautiful song to me each night before I fall asleep. The song is of nothing I’ve ever heard but it reminds me that I am being watched and protected through the night. No one can ever touch me or hurt me again the way that they did. I stand up tall and I feel them at my heels. Their chests puffed out, claws secured in the cold hard ground, and ears ever at attention. I am safe. We are safe.

I left my wolf necklace with the man I trust most in my life and I have to admit, my neck feels bare without it. For me it’s almost a test of security and trust. I know he would never let anything happen to it or to myself. I’ve secured my cross back around my neck and I hang my fox pendant from my wall as a reminder of what I mean to someone else.

I’m starting to lose myself again. I’m going to cut it off here. Stay positive, people. Spread that. -Bets and the pack

Here’s To New Beginnings

I don’t necessarily have a topic for the day. I just feel the need to write something, put it down, and let it go. I’ve got a lot going on today. The world may be at a standstill, but my own is going at 60 mph. It’s nice to be an odd duck sometimes. I don’t like normal, I like unexpected.

My mentor and I are talking a lot today. I like to keep in contact with people who bring me joy, worth, and equally intellectual conversation. I am very wordy and like to go in-depth with a lot of what I think and am feeling. I’ve been told to be kept quiet for so long and now there’s no holding back. I am without filter. You take me how you want to now. I’ve given my last flip.

It’s funny for me to say that, coming from a person who cares so much. I think there are certain parts of my life where I’ve said “no more” to. The compassionate, caring, would do anything for you factory is still open for business. Doesn’t matter what’s going on on the outside, the inside is a full fledged machine. The insecurities department is probably the most exhausting role to play. It goes temporarily out of service every single day when I find the things I love and am blessed to come in contact with. So during those couple minutes, to endless hours, I am completely content and in my element.

That’s about where I am at right now. I feel genuinely happy and in my element. When I am apart of something from the beginning and get to see the inner workings of something, I feel at peace. Watching our study group come together from creation unto what it will become is a thing of beauty for me. I want to impart my knowledge, compassion, and understanding to these other women and make sure they feel accepted. I want them to feel the same acceptance I felt when I became apart of the ministry. I strive to make a vision a reality. I already have so much of my life figured out and now it’s just putting it through the motions. I can see where my life is headed and let me tell you, it’s beautiful.

If things don’t go according then I will accept the change. I’ve learned to go with the flow and let it set itself up before me and then continue stepping forward. I can’t exactly explain how I know things or how I’m shown what is to be and then it is. I’ve always felt like I’ve had a special gift in foreseeing things. Now with all of these new alters and this whole new feeling inside of this vessel, everything is becoming even more clear. I would love to share this feeling to the world, I think it would help out so many who suffer. I wouldn’t change anything about myself for anyone. I would give all I have to give, but I wouldn’t ask to be any different or experience what I have any less than I already have. I’m finally learning to accept myself, my disorders, and my life. I’ve got exactly the people I want to be by my side day in and day out. I’ve surrounded myself with positivity and the Lord. I’m pretty sure there’s nothing more I could honestly ask for at this time.

You know, music is truly one of the best parts about life. We can create our own soundtrack for whatever it is we may be feeling at that time. Maybe we just unknowingly put on something that we really needed to hear. The subconscious is a sneaky little bugger. That’s for sure. I’m kind of in a pumped up mood and YUNGBLUD is my pumped up playlist. I used to not be able to write like this with lyrics streaming through my head. Now I can literally sing the song and type without problem. It’s a new skill I’ve prided myself on. Don’t necessarily understand where I’ll ever need this skillset, but I’ve got it.

I can feel the wheels turning inside and I’m not too sure where I am going with this again. I mean, if it brings on readers who have ADHD, then maybe I’m doing some good. Right? I have too much to say and never enough time to express myself. I guess with the world on lockdown now is a better time than ever to start truly using this journal as we’ve intended it for. I need to start working through my trauma and I find ways around the subjects to keep myself safe. I am stronger than this and I’ve got tons of support now, we’ve clearly led you to. No need to be scared anymore, dear.

It’s a comfort to have others write while I am in the middle of a sentence because I know they are there. This disorder gives you a lot of doubts as to if it’s real or possible. I feel bad because I know they get tired of telling me I’m not crazy or Yes, we are here. You’re listening to me right now, why would we make this up? The brain likes to detour you from the truth and will become deflective anyway it can to keep you from truth sometimes. I mean, look at what is going on right now. The government is doing it to us right now. Using a distraction to some bigger things going on in the world. Or if you want to go the religious route, God is telling us, time to slow down. You need to come to some truths because if you don’t do it now, it’s not going to be pretty in the end for you. Take solace and comfort in my words, the way I am slowing you down to truly appreciate all you have and all you love. You are nothing without me.

Again. Opinions are formed and made, not necessarily everyone’s belief and that’s not my problem, it’s yours.

I tell you what, I feel like when I need to hear or read something from you, you pop up at just the right times. I’ve never felt or connected with someone like this in my life. If this is the direction you are taking me Lord, I will follow it until the very end. Please use me. You’re the only one I would ever let me use me the way that you do. It’s beautiful. It’s comfort. It’s planned. I love a good plan. We’re yours to mold, critique, sculpt, make us in your image. Let me cry out to you, sing your praise, find my way to you. Be my eyes in the darkness and take my hand when the murky waters are a little too muddy. I want to proclaim your name daily and be a vessel in your everlasting will.

I’ve got a lot of different people coming to the front to talk, so just bare with us. Wow. That took a turn. A lot of times I feel like I’m just in a trance and I’m not even sure what I’m saying is coming out right or making sense because I’m not concentrating on what someone else is doing. The insecurity department just took down its’ “Be Back in 5” sign. Sometimes I say things to someone and then immediately wonder if I should’ve said it. I keep getting told that whatever I do, whatever I say, will never change his mind. I’m still going through the “how did I deserve this” phase of my life.

My life has never been good. It’s always had doubts and hardship. To have something as good as what I’ve got right now, it’s no longer a harlequin dream. I have to retract something, I can’t say it’s never been good. It has had its’ moments. I guess I just hardcore feel the “winds of change.” FINALLY. I think I’ve waited long enough, I’ve been through ENOUGH, and I deserve this season in my life. A good season. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not going to be greedy over this, it doesn’t do anyone good to be that way. What I’m saying is as long as it is rolling in the way that it is, I’m going to savor, enjoy, and love every minute of it. I don’t know how long this season is honestly going to last but I know one thing for sure, it’s not ending anytime soon. Everything is finally beginning.

Here’s to new beginnings. -I couldn’t even begin to tell you who all spoke today.

“Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to Him, and He will make your paths straight.” -Proverbs 3:5-6

It’s All Fun And Games Until…

Hopping on the bandwagon is not normally my style, but when it is felt deep in my heart to talk about a subject, I don’t ignore my creator. Now, I’m not an expert, I can give my advice and my honest opinion, but it shouldn’t be taken in vain.

I understand that everyone is in a panic and that all of this can be confusing, scary, and life-threatening. Let me start off by saying this. “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with Thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” -Philippians 4:6-7

That comes down from management. I never wonder why the percepts are the way they are, they just came to be. Like everything else in this God-given world. Who am I to judge the one who makes the final judgement call?

So while we are going through these times and he is calling us to humble ourselves, remember that the plan had already been laid out long ago. Our world has been going through so much hate, disturbances, and quarls. I think it’s time for some peace, humility, and repentance. I think Covid-19 is part of that. It feels so clear to me that when we all stop to pause and really focus on the who, what, why in our life, it all starts to unfold what truly matters to us the most. It doesn’t take a death, heartbreak, a plague, or fear. It takes the time to slow down, reflect, and breathe. A little piece of Heaven on earth.

Maybe we can all put aside our differences, our addictions, our trials, tribulations, our hate and discrimination, and finally come together as a nation. Could we all see each other as equals? It’s what we are whether anyone truly wants to admit it or not. Blood runs through our veins all the same and we are here to serve the one true King. It’s up to you to make that decision, no one else.

I could sit here and make my points and try to get you to believe what I am saying is the truth. I will not do that because I am only one of the brilliant minds led to show the way in our lives everlasting. If there is anything I’ve done, it’s just to spread some enlightenment and some testimony to something that is trying to destroy us as a society. Don’t let these trying times rule your life. We are strong and we will rise above as we’ve done so many other times throughout history. People are here and willing to listen. Take advantage of that. Send your love because it’s all we’ve got that does any good.

We love the verses before we have to live them. Best thing I’ve read because of the truth that lies so deep and heavy in it. The word is living and alive. It’s always convenient and up to date. Just mull on that thought. There’s nothing that the living testimony doesn’t cover. Proof is in the writing. -Jason

I Just Can’t Ignore This

I can honestly say that this feeling I’m having is unable to be ignored or put off. I’ve never had it to this extent and something about it is so confusing. It almost feels like a part of my soul has been ripped out and it’s trying to find its’ way home? What comes to mind right off the bat is the portal in Donnie Darko’s chest as he follows it to where it needs to lead him to. It’s almost mindless yet so intense it’s shocking at the same time.

Is this what the truth in love feels like? It’s a happy hurt when I’m not with you and I almost feel like I don’t know what to do. Emotions hit me from every corner of my mind and it’s almost exhausting. My chest is aching and I know it’s all mindful but the mind is so powerful, it can make you feel things you never knew existed. I left a part of me there and it’s tugging at my heart strings and willing me to follow.

I’m not necessarily empty it’s, I don’t know how to act. I feel expressionless, the tone in my voice is flat and I have no desire to try and act like I’m normal right now. I need to feel this. I need to feel what it is like to want something so bad, ache for it, but know that in all of it’s glorious timing, it will come to be eventually. You and me.

This isn’t exaggerated. This isn’t attention-seeking. This is crazy is what it is. How could I ever let someone get so close to these inner, raw emotions of mine. I don’t think I’ve ever took down every wall for another in my entire existence of being. Something about you makes me want to fall to my knees and give it all to you. Every ounce of my love, of my strength, of my heart, of my soul. Do you know how exhausting this is? Do you feel this way too?

I couldn’t imagine there isn’t some part of you that isn’t yearning for this. That you try to shut off and ignore for your own sanity’s sake. Maybe even your system’s sake. If you’ve got a temporary fix for me, I’d love to hear what you got, baby because you are what does this to me.

I don’t know how I could live my life without you ever in it anymore. Thinking of forever without your touch is a crime. I couldn’t honestly tell you the lengths I would go to or things I would do if I lost you. I just don’t understand why or how I’ve never had these thoughts before until I met you. Is this what God wanted for me all along? I was so rushed and in a hurry that I failed before I’ve won? Every sign, signal, 8-ball points to Yes.

If I could give you every single emotion, every single word to describe the way I feel about you, it would never be enough. I would exceed any thesis in an explanation for the way you make my heart skip a beat when I see you. A never-ending debate on the reasons as to why I even deserve this. What you’ve given and are about to give I am eternally grateful for. You never really know how you affect someone and in all reality, love, I don’t know how to show you enough. There will never be a way to truly express all of these feelings to you. Being expressionless sometimes says it all.

You have put me in a stalemate. There’s no other way and it’s not debatable. This is the way our lives were meant to be. I will no longer be a pawn in this chess game of reality. I have earned the title as a Queen and forever to protect my King. I would never let anyone hurt you nor would I ever. My debts are ever in your favor and a Lannister always pays theirs. My words nor my actions will ever be enough to properly appreciate the man you are. The way you have my mind spinning is beautiful and has me catching it all at the same time. I don’t want it to ever stop.

The beauties we possess is greater than I’ve ever known and I want to explore every one of them with you. Tell me you do too… -Bets

Top O’ The Marnin’ To Ye

May the road rise up to meet you. May the wind always be at your back. May the sun shine warm upon your face, and rains fall soft upon your fields. And until we meet again, may God hold you in the palm of His hand.

If anyone who is anyone knows me, St. Patrick’s Day is my absolute favorite holiday. Nothing says heritage like a pint and some good ol’ Irish-American corned beef and cabbage. I mean, don’t get me wrong, Dublin Coddle is quite nice, but it’s just a staple.

This is going to be my absolute first St. Patty’s sober. Here’s the kicker, I WANT to be sober. I don’t have to put my guard up behind a bottle because I have someone who actually loves and cares about me. I am finally being put before any drink. I can’t believe what a sobering experience I’ve been having over the past couple days and to continue it makes my Irish heart sing. Not to mention, I lucked out finding myself a Patrick. What a win/win. I couldn’t be more in love if I tried.

Our Irish eyes are smiling. I never want to stop looking deep into them and feel the love they produce. What have I done to deserve this? It’s only going to continuously get better from here. Maybe my luck of the Irish is finally shining through, not only for me, but also for you.

Justin is ever-present rearing the front today. He is my sweet Irish man. He has a mouth like a sailor, an accent that could kill, and such a handsome face. He has the same copper hair as my son. He has a full beard and a smirk planted smugly on his face. He is normally in band tees under black hoodies, baggy jeans, and green converse. He’s about 6’0 in the inner world and he likes to hang at the pub. How cliche. I still love em.

Another one close by is Liam. He is a Doncaster boy and has the sweetest Essex accent. I am literally in love with him when he speaks. He is based a lot off of Dominic Harrison, or the lead singer of YUNGBLUD. He is not necessarily a fictive. They have similar features but he has differences here and there. Not exactly sure what I should call him. Ah. He said, “half-breed.” But he is excited to be based off such a sexy man. Haha.

It’s going to be a fun day with these two blokes in my head.

Just sat down with some coffee, rolling through the emails, and planning on getting ready for the day. I’ve got my outfit laid out and everything. I go all out, just sayin. Excitement and caffeine are my friends right now and that truly sums up the lovely combination of sweethearts co-coning with me today. May today be in everyone’s favor. -Bets/Justin/Liam

Night Chatter

Now, I am not one to use a phone to write an entry. My fingers don’t move as fast as the words in my head. Not to mention the words turning into other words that are not intended. I absolutely one hundred percent can not sleep.

Do you remember as a kid being so excited for something and not being able to sleep at all. That’s exactly what’s going on right now. I can remember being stoked to go to Six Flags with my aunts and uncles and having difficulty sleeping. Gram would always try to find a way to help me to sleep. Things I now see in my very own son. I spent a lot of time at my grandparents as a child, they were my second parents so to speak.

My heart keeps pounding and my head keeps spinning in glorious little thoughts. Music keeps playing in my head that gets adrenaline pumping through my veins and I quickly try to control it. On the weekends it seems like they all have a party in there. It’s always bonfire style, loud music, and beer. I can see the flames lick the inside of my eyelids and it’s like I’m there.

Sometimes it gets out of hand and then that’s when my dreams seem to get a little wild. Like last night I had a dream I was doing coke with one of the many guys I knew among the dirt. It’s scary how real it feels and how I can taste it in the back of my throat and feel my heart race. It’s funny what the brain can do. There’s so much that can be unlocked if given it’s full potential. I truly believe it. I can feel synthetically happy or high on command. It’s a crazy whirlwind of emotion that I can’t explain or why it can even happen in the first place.

I guess I’m just trying to ramble on here to get some of this out so I can finally get some sleep. I feel tired but as soon as I roll over it’s not happening. Then I have Autumn telling me to write and just get it out. It’s always a good time to spill your emotions on ”paper.” I guess. I get a lot of good ideas and thinking done at night. I feel like 9 o’clock in the evening until 3 is about prime time for me.

I think I’m going to try this again. Wish us luck. -Fox Tales

Throw Back

You know the music you listen to that just hits a chord within you that just throws you back in time? I wasn’t aware that a Deftones mix was going to do that for me. I literally felt like I was sitting in my old room, journal open, writing poetry like the good old days. When life was complicatedly simple and we thought life was just “so unfair.” I don’t know about you, but that’s where a lot of my darkest times took place.

I remember sitting there in my room listening to Slipknot, KoRn, Atreyu, Lacuna Coil, A Perfect Circle, Tool. All that happy go-lucky music, yea know? Good times. Good times.

You know, my best friends at the time, Emily and Kristin, helped me to create “Unheard Voices.” I was the president of the poetry club and Em was my V.P. You know how fitting and uplifting that was for us? To passionately throw yourself into a mix of emotions so raw and sometimes uninviting. We had some real good volunteers to read and express themselves. It was such a connection and felt freeing. It’s one of the things I do miss about high school. When your biggest worry was, did I remember to write a new poem, pouring my heart and soul into it. Oh, right, and did I order Little Caesars or provide cookies and drinks for the poetry slam? It was nice when there was a good showing of students. It made me feel accomplished anyway.

I look back on it now and wonder why I didn’t just take my time and enjoy my teenage years? Why did I have to rush it by getting into a relationship at 16 with a 24 year old drunk. I had no idea where my life was heading after him. Myspace was evil.

You know who really ruined me? His name was Daniel. He was every girls wet dream at the time. A player and not very good at hiding it. How I ended up with him for a year or so, I had no idea. It blew my mind because I’ve NEVER thought highly of myself. He was the perfect mix of bad boy, long flowing hair, and semi-pro rollerblader. That was the thing at that time and I wasn’t half bad myself. His ramp scared the shit out of me though.

I fell hard for the fucker. I was 14 at the time and he was my first, so I mean, there’s that. He shared my love for KoRn, concerts, and sneaking out at night for some fun. I remember that we both made a pact that if we were 30 and both not married we would find each other and be together. Ha. My God, how naive can teens get, huh? He tried to contact me when I was in my early 20’s, but of course Stephen hid it from me and then asked if I knew him. I was livid because this cat was abusing me too. My track record with abuse is intense.

I don’t know why I am going into this, I just feel the need to type it out because I’ve let a lot of my past just sit there and I’ve yet to analyze it and it’s hard to keep stuff from, shit, 16-17 years ago? Being 31 isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be. I feel just as youthful as a teenager a lot of times. I’m still confused in this tragedy that is life. It doesn’t help to have this type of music reverberating against my ear drums and making me float to memories I’m rediscovering. Things I never gave much thought to.

This is where I wonder if I make any sense or if I just jump too much from one topic to the next. I guess it shouldn’t matter, this is my therapy and it’s the only kind I’m up for right now. Ugh. I’m having a hard time feeling whole. I feel depersonalized a lot right now. I am sitting here but I’m not. One thing I’m still getting used to is typing but not feeling the keys flow beneath my fingers as freely as they do.

Why can’t I make one complete thought or stick with one story? My mind is scattered all over the place and I can’t grab just one page and write verbatim what it says because the next flies into its’ place and so on and so forth. It’s scary to see these words already written in my mind and all I have to do is basically copy it onto here.

I’m done wasting everyone’s time. -Jaden/Bets