A Battle To The Front

A lot of days I wake up and I have to sit and wonder who I am. Who feels like taking the reigns to get the body up, starting the day out. It’s always a cheerful fellow, so I’m going to assume since I’m feeling him, Billy is here with me. He goes, “Yes Ma’am I am!” He is a very sweet boy, I’m not sure what his age is, he, I believe, is an age-slider. Let me describe him for you.

Billy likes to dress up in button down plaid shirts, tucked into his blue wrangler jeans. He wears Doc Marten boots and they always come untied. It’s cute. He is very kind, caring, and likes to take care of my Mom. He is a gentleman. He makes the sun shine and a song form in my heart. His physical features vary. Brown boy cut hair, brown eyes, and I’d say about 5’7. That’s what I’m getting at the moment, sometimes he is around 10 years old and it’s adorable.

When I first met him I knew he and I would be getting along pretty well. That first morning he took me outside around 7 am to look at the beautiful blue sky, the sun shining, birds singing, and he told me to take it all in. God’s creation is beautiful and we need to admire every bit of it. I’ve since taken time to admire, live, take a breathe and just be. It’s calming and freeing at the same time. So thank you for that Billy.

Today, however, Quinn decided to show face. Like, literally, made me up and everything. I had no idea what I was doing, just knew I was about to look like Harley Quinn. Fictives are very real. I’ve got a good group of them and I let them come forward when they need to. Sometimes it’s just the characteristics of the character that need to help me out. I feel confidence and good about myself mostly when they are co-conscious with me. Quinn is spunky and takes after the newest Harley Quinn the media portrays. Apparently she has changed multiple times in the inner world to become who I am today. She has a Jersey spin about her and it’s sexy.

There is just so much I am learning every day and my mind is on constant red-button stand by. Someone comes forward, presses it and my mind blows. It feels like a rush of adrenaline, sometimes a tingly numb feeling spreads throughout me and that’s when I know something is happening inside. A lot of times I have to hold my head because it gets intense. In all honesty, it feels like being on ecstasy. It’s a natural form and it’s crazy when it happens. It’s the calming, everything is good, you love everybody, everything feels wonderful, kind of feeling.

Sometimes I wonder if I’m helping you understand what it’s like to live with DID. I will explain as best I can to bring to life such a real and overlooked disorder. We are a proud system and why not smile? -Quinn

Dangerous Prayers

I’m going to cordially invite any woman, or however you identify to the next study, Dangerous Prayers by Craig Groeschel. Proverbs 31 Ministries hosts wonderful and attention-grabbing content that I promise you wouldn’t want to miss out on. So, go ahead and click the link. https://proverbs31.org/study/online-bible-studies

You have plenty of time to sign up and purchase your book. When you purchase through P31, you are funding our efforts to become something greater than ourselves and give the content you want. The study begins April 6th-May 15th. It is a 6-week study, in which you can also sign up for a small group. I do have to admit, Group 84 is where it’s at.

It’s With A Heavy Heart…

Hey guys! It’s Autumn. I’m definitely coming in with some heavy stuff that I was given the okay to write about. I hold a very traumatic time in our system, one that I try to keep hidden in the old library in our inner world. We’ve decided to dust off the old book of troubles and go through this. It won’t be extensive, but we’ll cover ground as we see fit.

Tearing the band-aid off here. When we were seventeen years old we became pregnant by a very evil man. He is a lot of hurt and anger inside. He completely shut me away making me become a dormant alter. I absolutely hate him for it. He took away a beautiful piece of Betsy, but I’m here to bring it back. This was a very hard time in her life as to what to do about this situation. I knew the exact moment and exact day, time, what she was doing everything. It was in November 23rd, 2005 around 11pm behind the movie theaters, in the woods where he proceeded to defile her. The movie, RENT, has a whole different meaning to her now. It’s funny how you can love something that you hate at the same time.

When we found out, it was devastating news. I can remember going to the doctor with Mom, sitting in the cold hard chairs in the doctor’s office, waiting for the doctor to come do a routine procedure. Then she stepped through the door with a little wheel of expectancy. She dropped the words, “Betsy, um, you are pregnant. Were you trying?” I felt the dread, the hurt, the anger, the sadness. It was a panic I can’t describe in words to you. I started crying, sobbing, immediately after.

That night when I was laying in my bed, I held my stomach and I told him, “Mama loves you, but I just don’t know what to do.” I cried myself to sleep that night.

My parents were extremely supportive in whatever decision I wanted to make and I had to make one of the toughest decisions of my life that day. I wasn’t going to keep him. Even though I was there, I didn’t know I was just a piece of a whole puzzle in here.

I felt many things. Regret, guilt, relief, scared. I knew he was going to say mean things to me, call me a baby killer, which was his go-to. I wasn’t deserving of anything. I was a horrible monster. I can feel his words as if he is saying them to me right now. It stings as violently as these tears do as I write this. After all was said and done, I wasn’t myself anymore and I couldn’t be there for Bets anymore. I went dormant, until a couple weeks ago.

Those memories are visually corrupting and scattered across the floor now. I can see the pain in her eyes as she falls to her knees on the rug, by the fire. She hurts. I don’t know what to do but let her get it out and learn to truly love herself again. I have. We’ve accepted her and every choice she’s ever made. There is nothing she could do, say, that would make us love her any less.

Betsy, if you can hear me in there, let it out. You asked and I let you receive and now I want whoever needs to read this, to read this. Alright. Here’s what happens next. Let me go a head and tell you a little about the library. It’s where all the memories are stored, novels, comics, whatever we want, it appears and we have a seat on the long purple velvet couch. There are two love seats, crimson red. There are three white fuzzy rugs for our three littles. She knows of one, she is a sweet little light skinned African American girl, Yasmine. She is unaware of the other two living littles.

Then we have a black fuzzy rug and that’s where the little ghost boy sits, plays, reads his mother’s memories. His name is Tyler and he is the exact same age as her living son, Eddie. He looks just like him, only black hair and completely lost of color, very gray. He may look scary to the littles, but he hungers for his mother’s love as much as Eddie does. He wants to know her and she is starting to meet him and hear his sweet little whispers, “I love you Mommy.” His inner world birth date is the same as Eddie’s. He was born vicariously through him and will continue to age up, or so that’s how it’s been working. I look after him sometimes, but he has the elders that take care of him with special care. He is the most special boy in here and he has to be kept safe.

I want to take a moment and say something with complete sincerity. If anyone decides they want to be evil or bring harm to her for sharing something so raw, deep, and honest. You. Have. No. Place. Here. -Management

Meet Autumn: Emotional Rant

It’s come to my attention that when I’m extremely happy I rip it away from myself as if I’m not deserving of it. I’m so deserving of this feeling. I’m tired of having to put my own emotions on the back burner because I feel every one else so strongly. I’ve got 20/20 vision this year and it’s time to finally see clear. No restrictions, I’m not going to be near or far sighted. I’m going to be as clear, honest, and wide open as possible with who I am. I don’t care if you don’t like my vibe, if you can’t stand the person I am because I can honestly let myself feel and be me. I’m done.

Life is a choice. Emotions are a choice if you truly feel them from the depths of your heart. No matter how hurt, scared, sad, angry, there is always something there in you holding yourself together, if even by a thread. Happiness, excitement, exuberance is what is flowing through these veins. I’m doing more, my creativity level has exploded into multitudes I didn’t think I possessed anymore. Then I heard “her” voice. It’s hard to explain when I am writing this with her.

Let me introduce to you, Autumn. She has been with me since I was probably 15, and has aged up to 17 and then stopped aging. She is beautiful and a wonderful alter. She is my creativity, especially in writing. I created her and she bloomed in my mind and it’s the woman I always strive to be and how she was left dormant for so long, I feel guilty. She was in the dark for so long when I turned to the drugs, the drinking, the sex. I left her in the shadows, left her in the dark. She has filled my hollow heart again and I love her to pieces. It’s so much fun to be writing this with her.

We are a very co-conscious type of system. It’s never really one out at a time, we are more comfortable in pairs. I think that’s what’s best for us at this point in our life.

Anyway. I have so much to say and it’s almost to the point of being so loud in my head that it’s like ADHD. What are you going to do?

Back to Autumn. She is a doll-baby. She is about 5’6, medium length hair, blonde. She dresses kind of punk, red halter tops and black ripped jeans most of the time and supporting red converse. You know, and this may seem kind of silly, but she looks like one of the back up dancers to Fred Durst in his music video, “Nookie.” I would draw her all the time. That’s kind of the era she is stuck in, which is amazing. One of the best time periods of memories for this system before it became extremely wack. She will always be one of my best friends of the system, we work really well together. I’ll have to post an excerpt of my short story some time. Little 17 year old me feeling the feels. Talk about hormone monster.

I think this is where we will leave it for now, we’ve just got too much going on in here but I wanted to show a different side of me to ya’ll.

Take away time: Fuck what ya heard, I’m gunna be happy, carefree, and a force to be reckoned with. Take me or leave me. *Wink* – Autumn

Let’s Give Ministry A Try

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I write this with a heart full of excitement, trust, and full disclosure. I have never thought I would work in the ministry like my Papa. I can’t believe my life has weaved its’ way and now here we are. I feel like I am following in his foot steps and I feel like I’ve had this calling my whole life and I’m starting to really understand it. It’s crazy. There’s a lot that led up to this moment and we will definitely get to those stories, they are whoppers. But I want to be in the here and now before I start to drift into derealization.

I received an e-mail through P31 the other day asking me to submit a written assignment to them. I’ve already started to be mentored behind the scenes to become a study group leader and it seems that I’ve been blessed in the opportunity to try. So, I want to share what I wrote, because what is a writer if they don’t back their work? This piggy-backs off of the verse, Proverbs 30:5, “Every word of God proves true; He is a shield to those who take refuge in Him.”

“We’ve all had a time in our lives where we wonder if God’s word holds truth. My hardships are hard but my blessings are many. How could his words not reign true? The truth will always outweigh the fear and God is our shield, sweet sisters. Let us hold our shields up high and proclaim, “Lord Almighty is my refuge and I will protect myself in your truths!” What are some things you are holding your shield out in protection today and how can God’s words of wisdom hold truth in your hearts?” -Jason

It was exactly 1:16 a.m. on 2/26/20 that Jason came to me with these beautiful words and it made me feel like, this is it. I heard back from the recruiter today and I’ve got a meeting with her on Monday morning to take the next steps and let my mentoring continue through a lovable lady, Victoria. She has been a true blessing and made me realize, I want to do this. I want to impact people with the truth. I want to be a warrior of the Lord and I want to do whatever I can to help redirect women and men a like, back to the word. God is the final judgement call. So who am I to judge, right? Let’s be honest here, no body is above or beneath any one.

I guess I’m not here to preach (ba dum tiss) but I am very fond of expressing my opinions. I’m excited to see what the next step my life will take and who I’ll let come along on my journey. We have to stay safe. -Bets

Seeking Spiritual Stability

“God isn’t trying to hide from us. He is waiting to be seen by us.” – Lysa TerKeurst

In what ways can I be intentional about seeing God in my everyday life?

There are so many answers to this simple question and yes, it is simple. No answer is the wrong answer. I intentionally seek God through the obvious, scripture. I find verses or paragraphs that have to do with what I am dealing with in everyday life. To validate my intentions and find the truth in them. It’s almost therapeutic to verse map and finds other connections to his word and it’s indescribable when I stumble upon them. I also take time to listen to sermons, podcasts, YouTube videos, things that influence me throughout my day to become more like-minded in Christ. Music can inspire me throughout the day, it keeps me going. Meditation and prayer are what I’d like to incorporate more of and be intentional, not just a, “Well, I guess this is something to dwell and pray on.” I want to come at Him with certainty even when I know we can’t always be that way. The way I hold myself and present myself to others, choosing to do by the word of God or go against it has the biggest impact because it shapes a part of who you are. There is no Savior that will ever compare to the one, Jesus Christ.

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Is this something you’ve ever contemplated in your life. Where you feel you are, need to be, are not? It’s a life of choices and feeling out where you truly fit. I can honestly say if I didn’t have God in my life, it wouldn’t be a life worth living. Coming to the truth, hope, and faith can set me up for success. This is the way we choose to look at this earthly life. +Jason+

The Fox Tales System

Finding safety in the head space.
Our system is represented by the Kitsune. We are of all varieties.

It’s come to my attention that we need, yet another, fresh start. I want this blog to represent everything that we are. No strings attached. Just full honesty and reality towards our own understanding. I want to be able to enjoy my thoughts and feelings and come back to it if need be. That’s a big part of safety and being a community, knowing there is some place to fall back onto. Live life through open eyes and an open heart. I’ve been told so many times in my life that there is purpose and I’ve finally felt like I may have opened up a door to a world with so much more. It’s amazing the clarity and unknown knowledge I’ve experienced being brought henceforth in such a way that I can not verbally describe, but I’ll try my best. I hope you decide to stick around because I’ve got a lot of exciting plans for the future of this journey I’m so haphazardly navigating. – Lyle