On and On We’ll Go

My voice won and it decided it is going to say exactly what comes to mind now. I’ve never confronted someone before because I was snooping. It was almost a feeling of, “This feels wrong, but there is a right to be made in this.” It wasn’t a wrong feeling. I almost don’t want to speak of the incident because I have some points to make about myself first.

I have already betrayed trust multiple times, yet you forgive me every time and move on. Literally letting it go. You have the workings of a disciple but are so lost and far from God. I on the other hand, had the inner working of a demon and knew God was there but chose to ignore and go with that amazingly hypnotic sinner’s life. Once it grabs and digs its’ claws into you, it is the hardest things to remove.

I know my background and the person I used to be, and am still trying to clean up after today. I am far from deserving of any grace for our Lord, but he grants it anyway because of his love for us. I’m not proud of my past and the person I was, but that has nothing to do with the lovely and beautiful woman of God I’ve been turning into. This transformation is amazing. It’s more of a revelation experience and spiritual than anything.

My own insecurities get to me and know how to weasel their way into my brain. Sending shocks of anxiety and stress pulsating at my temples. I’ve been through so much I haven’t let that defeat me. Why would I be so upset over reading a transcript on your phone from two days ago from your ex? I mean, she only mentioned she was worried about you and how she needs to see you, maybe Monday or Tuesday (the days I’m not here.) and goes on to express her “love” for him. Nothing to worry about right? No read flags fly up at all? I’m not just holding a red flag in front of a raging bull am I? Let me know now. I’m not up for playing games of life or death, because I promise you. This time. It will end up being death.

Baggage attracts baggage. I know, it sounds so romantic, but it’s the truth. Life is a choice of accepting you can handle what the other brings from their experiences in life and you can work through them. That’s all I want of this relationship. I haven’t felt tremors like I did after I read that and it made me feel like I was going to have a heart attack. Thing is? I was okay to die right then and their. Then no one has to deal with my string I pull along on the earth until it gets snagged and cut on the sharp pain of reality.

Patrick, all I’m saying is. You knew me from the beginning at my most vulnerable moments. You saw the good, bad, and the ugly the first two days we were together. I remember looking into your eyes in the kitchen after I took a shot of whisky and you grabbed my face, looked into my eyes, and said something, that might have been when you said you loved me. I remember the feeling I had before I blacked out and it was of peace and safety and like everything would eventually be okay.

I have experienced hurt you could not even possibly imagine, one because you are not a woman, and two, because it’s my story, not yours. You are just apart of it. I have NEVER in my life said so clearly in the most shaky voice, “I can’t continue to have a relationship with you if you don’t take your ex out of your life.” I felt like I wasn’t the one saying it because I was freezing and all I could do is just listen to our conversation. I don’t know who helped me out this time, but whoever it was, it was much appreciated.

My boundaries are set securely in place, I only judge character. Talk is cheap. Actions are admirable depending on the outcome. I will continue to stand and hold my own with you as my companion. I’m not going to let anyone take away my experience of finding a soul mate. I thought I’ve found that in you. Was I too eager to want it to be true? Am I always eager to find love so quickly that I don’t pay attention and let the things happen anyway? Something in me is in complete agreeance that no one can come before my relationship with the Lord. As much as I love everyone in my life, he is definition of love.

With that being said. I love you and I’m sorry for the way I acted. I should’ve never went to the voicemails but that tempting (15) that haven’t been checked made me curious even as I felt the guilt creep up my stomach and into my shoulder and neck, making my head feel dizzy. When I saw her name I thought my heart stopped and everything went silent. Again, never reacted the way I did with anyone. It makes me believe there seriously is something very special about you. Everything we’ve been through, our families, it all makes sense to me. All of it. I see Joy and a Future with you. Do you truly see this too?

I am used to chaotic and catastrophic events for the majority of my life, if you need to say something or get it off you chest, I’m here. I won’t ever go anywhere. You can tell me anything. We’ve both experienced some shitty dealt hands in this life and we will never be able to understand our own hurts but damn do we empathize, sympathize, and connect in almost every way. That’s rare. Our love is rare. Tender. Loving. Juicy. Beautiful.

I love you with all I am. Don’t ever take my emotions for granted, it’s what failed me my whole life. I know you don’t have any intensions of making me feel that way, but we see things through different perspectives. That’s why I don’t make a big deal out of some thing because things make sense differently to others. I am learning to accept that you are seriously flawed, just like everyone on this earth. You’ve been through the wringer and you have hurts and vices to escape just like me. I’m learning them. I’m watching them as you watch mine because I don’t want anything to ever happen to you. I wouldn’t make it if I lost you.

You have to understand, I say everything I say out of love. It’s not to hurt you, belittle you, or make you feel less than. You are an amazingly sensitive and loyal man from what I’ve seen. Your intentions are good and I know you are just trying to do the right thing the ways you know how. You have a lot of work to do on your end and I want to be there every step of the way as you are for me. It’s what a relationship and commitment means. 50/50 is underrated, 100/100. We meet each other fully or not at all. Something I’m not unwilling to do because I know my worth and it’s through the holy spirit I am able to do so.

Know how much I love you. Just listen to my words and take it to heart, because it comes from mine. ❤

Here’s my, “I don’t know what to call this Note.”

I can’t necessarily call this a “thank you” note because honestly, there are a lot of things I haven’t been too fond of in my life that was just a series of unfortunate events. But I do want to thank you for everything good you have done and put in my life. I can’t express the gratitude I have for your kindness and generosity that flows from the kindness of your deceitful heart. (If I’m to be honest. God’s words, not mine. Well, and mine. What is his, is mine and mine, HIS.)

I think that God puts on the perfect songs at the exact time we need them. Mom, “February Seven” -The Avett Brothers, just started as I began this. Last night at Best Buy, not looking for it, there was a discounted album. “The Grateful Dead’s Greatest Hits” record and I couldn’t pass it up because I feel like there is a reason why these things happen. Subtle hints that certain people are around us when we need help in the ways they know how to. It’s funny how that works.

I told you, this isn’t a traditional thank you note because my mind wanders a lot and for now, I’ll let you experience my messy brain just this once.

Fun fact about this song playing (refer to paragraph 2.) I was cooking Chicken Cordon Bleus in our kitchen (Patrick’s) and this song came on. I just put the chicken in the oven and started washing my hands and this came on. I started singing and Dexter joined me in the kitchen and started singing with me. He is a very vocal pooch and I love that about him. So when I would sing he would “howlup” behind me. It was so sweet. It made me realize how much I love this life that the Lord is providing to us. It’s crazy how things work (I know, I’ve said that before, but that wasn’t my thoughts.)

I guess we will make this part to you Mom, because I don’t want to hurt Dad. Everyone’s feelings are meaningful to the Lord and also to me. I’ve opened up my eyes to a lot of hurt and pain that I can almost feel and it almost feels like I’m reading their minds when they show their emotions. I can hear the grief, hurt, the prayers, and fears that plague their mind. It’s a strange gift I’ve seemed to achieve. That or I really am just going crazy from all the stress, fears, and guilt in my life.

So let me get to the actual “thank you” part. Mom, I can’t explain to you everything you’ve done has been nothing short of a miracle for me. You have graciously taken the reigns when you knew I couldn’t handle them. I’m working on myself and as selfish as that may seem. Mom, if I don’t work on me first, there is no taking care of Eddie. I know who I am and what my feelings are, I just don’t remember them all because I’m not allowed to know that part of the library… yet.

I’m getting closer, I have been strengthened by the Lord as I continue to grow my relationship with him and all the relationships I must have here on earth. I know that right now, it is best that you and Dad have temporary custody of Eddie. He needs to get his Mom and his Dad back. This is in no way shape or form his fault and he needs affirmation as best as I can give at this moment in my healing process. I love Eddie and I don’t want anyone to ever think I don’t. My guilt eats at me to a point where I don’t know how to function. I feel like no words will come out of my mouth and I stumble and I stutter and it makes me feel stupid.

It’s a lot to go through and a lot to realize all at once. Just with my first session in counseling, I feel like a little too much flooded back, but God knows his timing and reasons for what he does. I have decided to dedicate and give my life to Him in the ways he sees fit, that’s his plan for all of us anyway. Why are we fighting it?

I feel like I have so much to owe you and not a lifetime enough to fulfill any kind of promise to you. I do feel like I’ve let you down as your daughter and that I can never ever add up to what I was as an “innocent” little baby who was just getting ready to tell her story to the world when she was ready. God had to make sure I was good and ready first before this step could occur.

I know that I’m meant to touch women’s lives who have experienced exactly what I have been through, and Mom, it’s a lot. More than you will ever care to know and more than I am ever willing enough to share. That’s just the humanistic side in me. My humility wants you to understand in any way that I can form a sentence to reach your medulla oblongata. We may have watched Water Boy last night. It’s just my “witty humor.” Not sure whom I acquired that from, but I heard she is Prrreeetttyyyyy awesome. ❤

I look up to you more than you will ever know. I feel like I’m trying to mimic everything you do from birth because you are my hero. You gave me life through our Lord and Savior and I get to live out my journey and be someone like that for someone else. Little do I realize, it’ll be Eddie in the long run. It literally is “The Circle of Life.” If they didn’t subliminally reference every part of heaven and hell, then I don’t know what Disney movie did. (Probably why Lion King is my favorite movie.) Did you know Patrick knows little things about me even I don’t realize? He puts on things and does these things and I’m like, “how did he know…” Most observant guy I’ve ever met. Intelligent too.

I told you this wasn’t exactly a “thank you” note because my brain, unfortunately, just doesn’t process the same way anymore. The Lord speaks truths, so wouldn’t that automatically make you want to do the same? Being more Christ-like is closer than you think. Just reach out and grab his hand, Mom, he is waiting for you to come back and live for Him. Let’s just say, a little birdy told me. ❤

Facts About Us

I am one of the biggest Mama Mia and Abba fans. Ever since I was little. I even had the kid group version on CD. I felt so honored to have it. I think I was born in the wrong era, but God knows what he’s doing.

The clothes I’m wearing today make me look like a character from The Babysitter’s Club. (One of my favorite series as a kid)

No description available.
I mean, right?!?! I’ve always saw myself as a Dawn. ❤

The wolf is my spirit guide. I truly believe it is symbolism of God being with me.

I have Dissociative Identity Disorder. Formally known as Multiple Personality Disorder.

I am bipolar.

I am manic depressive.

Anxiety riddled.

Nerve-twitching.

All of that fun stuff.

Plus side? It’s who I’ve become and I’m happy with me.

I am an alcoholic.

I am a sex addict.

I am bisexual.

I am a sinner.

I’ve watched a life pass before my eyes while holding my hand at 11:09am. That really set me on my straight and narrow, regardless the couple of hiccups. What happened was supposed to happen, all part of that plan.

I’m noticing things coming to fruition from a cultivated field that I dug up and have been emotionally, physically, and spiritually working through.

My prayer life is one hundred times better than what it has been.

I find pleasures in the simple things. Coffee. Candles. Music. Books. Journals. Pens. Sports. Animals. Love. Humility. Intelligence. Holy Spirit.

I secretly LOVE the beach, having lighter hair, and getting a base tan. Working on my body has really set me on a new path. I always wanted to seem like I had my shit together whilst I run across the sand, hot beneath my feet, and my new pup chasing after me. Little Morgan. I’m thinking little Ruxin. It’s such a toss-up.

I think I’m a hippy.

Make Love. Not War?

I am a water sign, Cancer.

I have an obsession with Mermaids I won’t experience because I’ve been afraid of being judged.

The Little Mermaid is truly my favorite Disney Princess Story.

I feel I am responsible for a group of people in my life and what I do will result in how their story continues to go.

“Don’t go wasting your emotions, lay all your love on me. Don’t go sharing your emotions, lay all your love on me.” -Abba (You know Abba means “Father.”)

Is it coincidence that I’m listening to Abba and the song “Lay All Your Love On Me” came on and then I started thinking. It feels like God is singing to me in this moment. Then I realized that ABBA means FATHER and is used in the BIBLE. Just saying.

Abba, Father,” he said, “everything is possible for you. Take this cup from me. Yet not what I will, but what you will.” -Mark 14:36 NIV

I’d love to move to Greece one day.

I keep having triggering thoughts and they take me right back to certain places right now. It’s not stopping. As I type all of this stuff out, memories just keep flooding forward and it’s getting to be a little much. I almost feel like I’m breaking down. My body keeps responding as if I’m in trouble. I think I might be stuck in flight or fight mode.

I hate when I get stuck like that. It’s like I can’t get the body to function and I hold my head in my hands and I think of what my next move is going to be.

Lord, show me the way.

Valentine’s Story

Valentines Share your story! ❤️

How’d you guys meet: We originally met in High School. We then, way later, starting talking on FB, and now, well, here we are.

First Date: It was more of a “first seeing each other in 14 years” type of thing. I will never forget seeing him standing in my door way and the immediate attraction I had for his soul.

How long have you been together: 1 year and 4 months and some odd days.

Age difference: 1 month and 8 days

Who was interested first: In a weird way, I think we were both interested once a conversation was started.

Who is taller: Definitely Patrick. He’s like 6’1 while I’m 5’2.

Who said I love you first: Patrick did. I had to confirm with him because I honestly wasn’t sure. I feel like we’ve always said it. Guess what, apparently we have. He said it to me the first day he saw me in those 14 long years and I said it back. I was in a bad stage of my life and I was pretty drunk, so I do have to admit, I’m very upset I don’t remember our first “I Love You’s.” Thing is, I always felt a love from the beginning and I didn’t quite understand it, but now, it makes the most sense of anything I’ve done.

Most impatient: It could honestly be a tie. It’s close.

Most sensitive: I know I’m a little more sensitive, but he has a very sensitive side that I am so graciously allowed to see. It makes me feel closer to him.

Loudest: Me, without a doubt.

Most Stubborn: Patrick.

Falls asleep first: It’s kind of a toss up. Depending on who is more tired that night.

Cooks better: Sorry, love, I know I do. I still love every concoction you make though.

Better morning person: Me, hands down.

Better driver: Patrick? It’s been a while since I’ve drove.

Most competitive: I think we are both tied for this one.

Funniest: I think we are both hilarious in our own ways.

Where do you eat out most as a couple: Normally in the bedroom. Depends on what we are feeling that night. You perv, I know what you were thinking. Well… Ya, you’re totally right.

Who is more social: I am.

Who is the neat freak: ME!!

Do you get flowers often: I do. He is a sweetheart.

How long did it take to get serious: Instantly.

Who plans date night: We just roll with it together.

Who picks where you go to dinner: Normally Patrick, but I chime in every once in a while, I’m getting better at it.

Who is the first one to admit when they’re wrong: We both are good at realizing when we get a little out of hand. This relationship is like none I’ve ever experienced before.

Who cries more: I do.

Who has more tattoos: He does. It’s sexy. I love them.

Who sings better: I guess I do, I don’t really hear him sing, ever.

Hogs the remote: Patrick

Spends the most money: I think we both do equally.

Did you go to the same school: We did. We now work at the same company, Aetna.

Where is the furthest you two have traveled?: Hmm.. Just all around Jacksonville. There will be plenty of adventure to be had in the future.

Who drives when you are together: Patrick.

Post a picture of you and your valentine❤️

ValentinesDayChallenge

Disney Couple
He is mine. I’ve claimed him, we are now apart of the same pack.

Speak

Does anyone remember that book? “Speak,” by Laurie Halse Anderson was one of my favorites in the beginning of high school. My best friend Melinda told me about the book and the main character was Melinda and she depicted her to a tee. Crazy. I always looked up to her. Something about her is special and only God knows why.

So, it’s been a while hasn’t it? A lot has gone on in my life since I’ve last spoke. I don’t know where to begin because it’s all just so amazing. I will start with what’s most important to me and the most relevant.

My new team leader, Karon, hit me up in a message about how I am doing a great job with my small group and the engagement and love I show to them. Well, she then ended up sending me a message asking if I would like to be mentored by her. I will be her FIRST mentee! I am so beyond honored and blessed. It was an honest to God shock, he could totally tell you that! I’ve only been a small group leader for technically 3 studies now. She said this was my first “technical” one but that’s because I’ve honestly not been mentored since I was put into a team lead group. My first leader, Jessica, became busy with work and school and it was just time for a break. I could tell. I offered a suggestion to have us ladies help out in her team on posts so she wouldn’t be super swamped. She is such a sweet girl and I absolutely love her. I believe this season she is just going through something else.

Moving on. My job is still going purdy well. Yesterday was very strange. Like, the way everything was falling in place.

Started out waking up to Lyle telling me to gtfo of bed and start my day. I could honestly feel the adrenaline rushing through my veins. Whenever I am not doing something he wants to do in the moment, he completely puts my body into a permanent fight mode. So I’m literally fighting myself to be motivated and get going. Once I get up I know he’s pretty much in control so everything gets done. Shower, smoke, take pills, mix pink drink (Plexus, it’s a gut healthy probiotic drink. I bet you thought alcoholic drink. HA! Gurl, we done with that shit.) I lied. I have a White Claw or two on Friday evenings. Takes the edge off and I don’t overdo it. I’m happy with new me.

Back on task (Lyle). Sir, yes, sir! hehe… Make my coffee/tea/smoothie. Whatever the body is feeling that day. Can you believe there are some mornings where I have absolutely NO want for coffee? I know!! What is wrong with me? That’s not the case this morning. Sipping on my pink drink and Salted Caramel Java Monster in the fridge. It’s going to be an amazing weekend. The Lord seriously provides and I feel SO blessed right now.

Oh, so this morning Lyle did it again and we were going to clean out the fridge but then I kind of made a deal. I get to have a relaxing weekend, do some things I enjoy (ex. write in my journal, bible study, read, listen to music, be with my favorite son and favorite … I literally almost put husband. I guess we already know what Patrick means to me. When I got up I took Dexxy on a walk and now he has been chilling with me. He is digging into the couch right now. I love how huskies dig to find comfort in their spot. This beautiful boy makes my heart sing. I have three handsome, sweet, loving, and cuddly men in my life and I couldn’t be any happier than I am right now. If that becomes possible, God may just blow my mind.

I let my Aetna family (training group) know as a random fact in one of our white board “Get To Know You” activities. I was not expecting the reaction I got. Of course Tab thought I had Schizophrenia, which is not the same. Get that straight. I love her, I can see us being really close. My trainer is a life coach and works with people who have suffered traumatic, triggering situations in their life. She heard about my disorder and it was like, wait, what?! Lakisha congratulated me for being so open and honest, that we are truly family now. That made me feel so good. To hear them all understand and be so nice to me made me feel like I have a place in this life as me, myself, and 50 plus. You know. DID and all. Haha.

I’ve moved into my second home, Patrick’s. Now, I’m staying Weds-Fri/Sat nights and Sunday-Tuesday nights at my Mom’s place with Eddie. I’m trying to get acclimated and start my life in a fresh, clean, and new perspective. I have a feeling this is all going to work out for the betterment of our lives. Eddie has no idea what kind of life he will continue to have. It’ll be more than he can imagine too. I mean, he is my son and the Holy Spirit flows through his veins and pumps love through his heart. I can’t imagine not having Eddie in my life. I am working through a lot when it comes to him. This is where a therapist comes into play. I need to understand my feelings and why I can shut off and live a completely different life when I’m over here. (Here’s where the extreme guilt comes into play.)

New things just keep surfacing, things I never thought twice about. I am one of those people who shove the emotions way deep down and lock them up. Once the box is so full, it explodes and it presents itself in the form of binge-drinking, pill-popping, smoking, affairs, or partaking in the same sex. I’m just going to be an open book and honest. I am not perfect and the flaws and sins I possess are very real and a struggle every day to hold down. It’s like that damn jack-in-the-box that no matter how hard you try to put the jester back in, it eventually springs back up in your face. That’s my addictions in a nutshell. I haven’t yet found the perfect balance, but I promise you, I’m making my way towards it.

You know, I really hope y’all enjoy this mind of mine. It’s a vast and mountainous wonderland of memories, some known and not known. Sometimes I go back and read over what was written and learn something new about myself that day. That part of me doesn’t feel that way but another part of me does. That’s why we work together to help mend that need or hurt, however we have to. I have to say, I’m lucky. My system has shown a lot of initiative and strength through everything we’ve been through. It’s a miracle we are here typing this to you. I can tell you some exact moments when I thought I was surely going to die.

I remember one time (ex) Ryan and I got some extremely potent cocaine and it made me feel like I could run a marathon around the world. At one point, I knew it wasn’t a good idea, but did it anyway. I watched as he tapped the tiny plastic zip lock bag onto the dresser and reach around for his wallet to grab his ID. He cut and thinly laid out two lines for us. I rolled up a dollar bill, placed it at one end, and in seconds it was in and running everywhere in my body. It was warm and shocking and filled me with anxiety. I think I am addicted to that feeling too because it makes me feel alive.

I put the bill in his hand and let him do his. While I was walking away I remember feeling my heart thump extremely hard in my chest and it stopped. The room started spinning and I couldn’t think anything but, “That was my last line. This is where it ends, Bets…” I fell to my knees and couldn’t talk and laid up against the mattress in his bedroom and memories started to come at me like one of those automatic baseball launchers. I thought I was done. He came over and grabbed me, but I didn’t feel, I could only see his fingers grip around my arms and I was okay. I was panicking but was ready to accept death.

It was the quickest, slowest moment of my life. Literally like what you see in the movies, everything slows down and you are moving at force speed, Flash style. Then once your experience is over it all comes back full force. I became dizzy and nauseated and everything came back to real time. I got up and said, “We need to go for a walk.” (Like walking it off was a thing…) But when you are high, you think anything is possible. Invincible my ass. That’s not a thing.

We walked around the neighborhood and then went back to his house and climbed up his window (second story) and sat on the roof and looked up at the stars and through the dark trees. It was calming for a little while. We came back inside and laid on his mattress and just starred at the ceiling for at least three hours. I was wondering how I was going to make it through work that day and if I was going to be on my 72 hour mark or more of being awake. Cocaine fueled and adrenaline pumped. We were both in our own worlds laying there. I’m surprised we didn’t rise out of our bodies and get shit done while our motionless bodies lay in a high that kept us sedated.

Looking back and remembering this and getting it out is so freeing. The judgement? I don’t care about because this, it helps me, us. I feel like I could continue, keep going, but I feel like I need to space these out. It can become a lot to process, even for a reader. Believe me, if I lived through it and am here to tell it, you are going to feel the feelings. I can guarantee that.

For those who made it this far, thank you for holding on and understanding. You know, God doesn’t choose the equipped, he equips the chosen. Think about that.

Work Thoughts and 3AM Nonsense

So I’ve decided while I’m working today to let my thoughts run wild, see what I think about during the day, and see if I remember to write it down. Just thought it’d be fun to see where my mind travels during the day.

So, just a minute ago I was thinking, I can be my own person. I’m not judged at the moment by anyone and I’m living and loving my life the way I want to. To be able to have a clear conscious and feel able and positive in my every day, is something I haven’t felt since I was a kid. No joke.

Working from home can sometimes be dangerous, I’ve noticed. I try not to have other distractions but things are all around me. Background music, multiple screens, barking dogs, wanting to check emails or small group, reading devotionals or scripture to keep me going throughout my day, and WordPress. I’ve wanted to write for a couple days now and when I have that “slacker” feeling, I feel guilt. It’s not like I’m expected to write or have a deadline to put anything out. I just feel like I should? Weirdo…

What makes this humorous? We are discussing listening skills and making sure you show empathy. That’s me in a nutshell. The empathetic one. It’s weird to multitask because I’m still hearing my trainer and understanding and comprehending as I type. It’s wonderful.

Well, I just calculated how much I can spend a day. 42 dollars a day is not bad, if I do say so myself. Now will I? If I’m manic…YES. If I’m seriously trying, nope. I already used $16.00 today to renew my probiotics and I’ll be good on those for 3 months. See, responsibility. Not purchasing the $129.00 cart on my BoxLunch account? Responsible. Will I have the willpower, eventually, no. I need to stop making carts I can later on purchase. Ugh.

I just mentioned to Patrick I put more than half of next month’s rent in savings. I am so excited to move in with him. I can’t get over this excitement. It’s like random bursts of that dropping feeling in your stomach when you are on a roller coaster. I just keep daydreaming about simple things. Making coffee in my new Keurig in my morning, making him breakfast, desserts, and cooking dinner. Cleaning and keeping it neat. Having Dexter right by my side, all the time. I am SO looking forward to having a husky in my life again. He is such a big baby, I love my one-eyed Dexxy!

I’m getting into the part of my day where a headache comes on and I feel sleepy. I’m saving my Monster Java energy drink for tomorrow. I’m so excited to see my sweetheart tomorrow. I want all the hugs, kisses, and loves. I’ve been feeling like an emotional baby lately and just want to be held in his arms. I can only smell his jacket, wear his shirts, pj pants, boxers, and snuggle my stuffed animals from him for so long before I NEED his physical contact.

So we’ve got worksheets we do for practice. I enjoy them, makes the time pass, but some days I’m just not feeling them. Today is one of those days big time.

So it’s 3 am. Guess what ya girl did? Bought that cart on my Box Lunch account. I’m telling you, late night is not a good night. I mean, it is for me when I get surprises in the mail I forgot I even purchased. Bad for my wallet. I’m not worrying though, I’m confident in this “new” me. I can’t wait for it to get here. I got a V-day surprise for Patrick and myself. I never thought I’d do what I just did, but don’t worry, y’all will see a picture of it in February.

My thought was to go a head and continue this entry today at work as well, and I’m still contemplating. Do I want this to go up? Will I hold off like I held off on that purchase? So I’m going with no? No. Probably not.

I filed my taxes today. I am claiming Eddie this year because that’s just the way things worked out. I’m just happy this money is ACTUALLY going to go towards him and not anything else. I want him to know exactly what he means to me and the gifts he is going to bless this world with by the grace of God alone. I want my son to know he NEVER has to worry about being taken care of and now? That’s a true reality for him and I. Sad to say, whether it’s just Eddie and I against the world, or as a little family unit with Patrick. WE. Will. ALWAYS. Take. Care. Of. Eddie.

You can not serve both God and Money. Here’s my thing, God provides for the day. Every hour, minute, second. I honestly think I spend the way I do because I know I’m taken care of by my Father. Money and possessions of this world are useless. Treasures stored in Heaven are FOREVER. Who cares if I decided I want to collect all of the Disney things, coffee mugs, fuzzy blankets, books, Bibles, pens, journals…Whatever! It’s not going with me to my eternal Home. I would like to surround myself with things that bring me JOY and positive energy while I await my turn Home. I enjoy this clean, pure fun. It’s enjoyable in all new ways I never thought I’d come to know and love and cherish.

It’s funny how when you realize what you’ve put yourself through. You had to go through that experience to appreciate your life now. If not this life would be bland and predictable. We each have a script and a persona (or many) and we don’t get to rehearse. This is a one shot take. When we make a mistake, we ask for forgiveness and we pick right back up where we left off. Life is not perfect. It has no cuts or “Take 2.” It’s a never-ending script with plot twists and “I saw that coming,” or “I did not see that coming,” reactions.

It’s the most popular show on in the realm of spirituality and it’s starring all of God’s beautiful creations. The Director, The Producer, The Writer, The Narrator, The Plot Twist, The Decisions, The Solutions, The Word.

He is the most amazing author of all time. My love and passion for the written word, pen to paper, thought to action, eyes to page. Every part of it I endlessly love and it’s a gift and love that came from my Father. How beautiful is that? A scribe I will forever be, I know that’s my calling. Bringing men and women alike to God is my calling, just uniquely me. My job description that I already was hired onto before I even knew of my existence. We were all foreseen and believed in as He asks us to believe in Him. How much is that to ask? Not a lot. I can tell you that.

If you want to subscribe to a life full of simplicity, love, honor, and eternity, God is the Answer.

Mind Won’t Stop

I have this problem with “relaxing.” That definition is very foreign to me. I keep thinking I need to be doing something productive or cleaning, or something. I need to learn to take my day of rest and just do things that are enjoyable to me. Everyone needs their down time, right? It’s like I preemptively rush myself to get so many things done. Like 24 hours in a day are not enough. It’s not a race, it’s a marathon, this life thing.

I’ve started a new One Note for our next Bible study. It made me feel good. Whatever I highlight during the chapter I write out there and make posts from it. It is a new method and I’m just sad I haven’t thought about this WAY earlier. No time like the present, it sure is a gift.

Some of the thoughts that have ran through my mind since coming to Patrick’s have consisted of:

I need to find a less expensive place that does hard-wood laminate for this condo. I’ve been thinking about colors to paint certain rooms. Wondering what color Eddie would like to choose for his room that can be shared equally with Lylah. We’ve gone though Ikea and have so many selected choices to choose from. Have a Keurig for Coffee/Tea and one for Hot Chocolate. I get to have my own little corner that represents me. It makes me so happy. This place just makes me happy. The location, the setup, the way I feel when I’m here. Patrick a couple steps away from being in my arms whenever I need his touch. Life has become a literal dream to me. I feel like I float from day to day in this joyful, confused, and content haze. It’s different. I love it.

I have a freeing feeling that makes me realize I can do anything I want with my life if I put my mind to it. Things are possible, I just felt so sheltered. I needed out. I still have that feeling from time to time, but not as bad.

The cherry on top is when I can start driving again. I won’t be able to contain that happiness. I need to talk to Dad about getting my Kia Soul into the shop to see if it’s salvageable. Whatever the outcome, it’s not something that I dwell on, ever. Driving is a privilege and I don’t feel I deserve to drive because I’m afraid of my addictions still. I have to be honest about this. I think I’m just afraid of making the same mistakes and reliving it all over again.

My fears are only even slightly true unless I decide to partake in them. Sad as it may seem.

I’m tapped out, I went in the wrong direction. Good goin’…

Nighttime Chat Part 2

Why is it that during the night I get a wired feeling from one to four hours? It’s so strange. I feel tired but my mind is just buzzing. My fingers want to go so many ways in what to talk about. I really had no plan to do this but figured if I’m up, why not see what’s going on in that ol’ noggin of mine?

I got to talk to Victoria today over VC. I always enjoy talking to her. The love and encouragement she provides is one in a million. She has a huge and heavy heart. It’s so cute what you observe when talking to people over VC because you can see their emotions and study their face when they talk. So much emotion and truth behind the human emotion, it’s crazy.

I’m so proud of her for moving up in the Ministry and being as highly dedicated as she is. I look up to her. Time seems to just slip by when we are talking. It feels like and hour and a half is only ten minutes. It’s the company you keep. I’m so lucky to have been given such a wonderful best friend and sister in Christ. Not a lot of people get this experience. God blessed us both and knew we would be each other’s comfort in trying times.

I have yet to say anything about that Aetna job I started last month. So I guess I will now. I REALLY enjoy what I’m going to be doing for this company. I’ve never felt more welcomed at a company and completely cared for. Mentally, Physically, and Spiritually. Yes, that’s right, spiritually. In our training class the majority believe in God and that’s a miracle in itself. I had the trainer reach out to me to talk about Proverbs 31 Ministries and pursuing a writing career. It’s so strange how He sets up these meetings.

The people in my training class are absolutely wonderful. Every one of them, quirks, and all. I feel like we could have our own television show with the way we all get along and feed off of each other. I have a feeling this job is not only that, but a start to a beautiful career for the time allotted. My sweet Patrick, you’ve helped me out in so many ways, this job is just one of them.

I’m watching my life fall into perfectly fit pieces and the puzzle has more than an outline. It’s finally revealed exactly what my life is becoming. Beautiful. Full of Trust. Honesty. Purity. Renewal. This picture is unlike any other I’ve seen before and I am the one to witness it and learn of some truths I didn’t think would be manageable in this lifetime. God is with us all the time and when we fully trust in him, then we can finally wake up.

Is there any other direction my mind feels like going tonight? Any body? The body is up for grabs, let’s go let’s go let’s GOOO!

Alright, hey y’all, I’m Zeus. I have curly sandy blonde hair about half way down my jaw. I’m about 6’0 tall, lanky, and brown eyes. I smoke and enjoy the feeling of being high. A lot. It’s probably the best time for me to think in all honesty. The truth comes out, I feel this sense of calm and appreciation for what’s been provided to me.

Just so you know while Zeus was introducing himself he completely slipped from my grip. Like I said, my mind is literally all over the place tonight. No wonder after I get my thoughts out I’m able to fall asleep. Praying helps as well. It’s a comfort to be in conversation with God and fall asleep. Like putting your head on his lap, talking about everything and anything and then the warmth makes you fall asleep. It’s a father-daughter bond and that’s beautiful.

Zeus is trying so hard to front and it’s absolutely ridiculous. I can hear his thoughts but they are faded and like he is jumping up and down because he is pissed.

Geez…okay, there we go. High. I’m Zeus. I am that carefree spirit that roams around inside keeping the teens in check. Somebodies gotta do it, might as well be me. My teenage years impacted my life the most. A lot of horrible things happened during that time and that’s why a lot of my alters are teenagers. My mind literally feels stuck around the age of 19 all the time. There are times I rarely can come back to age. Something really traumatized me and I feel like I can’t grow up and need to be protected all the time. I lost Zeus again as you can tell.

Coming back and reading these posts blows my mind because half the time I don’t remember writing these things. It’s fun to be able to read what another part of me was thinking or feeling at the moment. I try to be a subtle middle ground when it comes to the way I act. I am not a mean person, but I’m also beginning to learn not to take shit from anyone. My confidence boost went through the roof and I’m not sure if that’s good or bad yet. I feel the good pulling at me more but there is always that sense of darkness there. At this point in my life darkness has little to no hold on me. The positive thoughts and bringing it to God has truly impacted my life in ways I never thought possible.

I’m starting to feel tired, which was the whole point of this little experiment. I do have to get up at 6 because it’s entire body hair removal day. Like clockwork, every Friday morning at 6 I draw a bath with Epsom salt and avocado oil. I grab my razor and my phone and put on the Jennifer Rothschild 4:13 Podcast, and take some “Me” time for the week.

Sometimes afterwards I’ll paint my finger and toe nails or do my make up in another color besides Purple. Pretty much my signature color. My Elsa inside. Seriously. Who would’ve thought you could have an Ice Queen living inside you? I mean, I completely understand why I need her. It makes complete sense in my mind. She was left out and pushed to the side because of her “disability.” She locks herself in her room, isolating herself because she feels like she isn’t good enough for the world. Something is broken inside and I don’t know how to fix it, type deal.

Wasting away in poetry writing and short story telling on LiveJournal. Figuring out her sexuality and becoming this person who wasn’t really that person AT all. It was like a monkey suit to jump into every morning, zip up, and go about my day. Conforming to whatever I felt I had to so I could “fit in.” Pathetic. I just didn’t want to feel alone, abandoned, or judged. I made friends with every single click in high school and it’s only now starting to make complete sense to me. I swear, I learn something new about myself every day.

I think I’m going to go a head and let’s call it a night. You know what came to mind as soon as I typed that? The song Christoff sang with Sven in the first Frozen.

Reindeers are better than people
Sven, don’t you think that’s true?

Yeah, people will beat you
And curse you and cheat you

Every one of ’em’s bad except you.

Oh, thanks buddy

But people smell better than reindeers
Sven, don’t you think I’m right?

That’s once again true
For all except you

You got me, let’s call it a night. Good night
Don’t let the frostbite, bite

(Any writing errors will be corrected in the morning. I’m flippin tired.)

Unloading Notes Sesh

I’ve absolutely got to unload my notes to this blank page. It’s going to just be a random list of things written, highlighted, thoughts, and you know, like a journal. Wow. Okay. No professionalism to be found at the moment, apparently. Without further adieu, because I always have to announce what I’m doing. Beat yourself up, Bets, why don’t you?

More Valuable Than Rubies

As women, many of us struggle with our self-concepts. First of all, we have to look a certain way. Our hair needs to be in style, our clothes fashionable, and our faces perfectly made up. When we step on the scale, we need to see numbers that are closer to one hundred than two hundred! At the same time, we need to juggle all the roles we fill.

We have to be on time, be efficient, keep our cool pay attention, and earn enough to help support our families. We need to be able to care for our families. We nurture children and older parents. We are faithful and sensitive friends, and we are loving wives. But that’s not all! We also have to keep our houses clean…prepare meal…volunteer at church and in our communities…and somehow stay calm through it all. Most of all, we want to make everyone happy. We want to do everything we can to make everyone like us!

We compare ourselves to those around us, who all seem to be doing so much better than we are at being pretty, smart, accomplished, loving, and loved women. We become discouraged and full of despair. We doubt our own value.

But Proverbs 31 doesn’t say that our value is based on any of these things. We are women of VIRUTE–women of strength and courage. It doesn’t say anything at all about our worth depending on how clean our houses are or how much we weigh. Or even on how much other people like us!

God doesn’t care about any of the standards we so often use to define ourselves. Whether we are overweight or slender, well-dressed or scarecrows, slobs, or tidy, professionals or stay-at-home moms, popular or social misfits, we are equally treasured. We are more valuable than rubies because God has filled us with VIRTUE!

Loving God,

You know how hard I try to be everything that’s expected of me. I wear myself out working so hard to be good at all the roles I fill. I truly want to be good at each of the jobs I do, both at home and at work. And I want so much to make those I love happy. When I start to focus too much on these things, though, I ask that You remind me to shift my attention to You. Help me to rely on Your perspective instead of society’s. Give me confidence in the strength you have given me–strength to love, strength to serve You, strength to do good in the world.

Amen.

Thoughts:

I feel like I need to write all of this out so I can re-read when I need these reminders. So let’s do it! This life was given to you so you could figure it out and then once there, live it fully on your “God Potential.” You know, the one you were given at the beginning of time. Unique as you are, love, you will go very far an do exactly what’s been called for you to do. Enjoy this, Betsi. Don’t take things for granted. This life was on purpose with a much bigger plan than our tiny little minds could really understand. I’m totally diggin’ the vibes, Pops. You always had amazing taste in music. I’m sorry for being stupid and not “getting it” right away before you passed. I feel like something special was given to me by you. I feel it deep down in my bones. I will continue the legend of traits and it’ll help those who need it. Lord, My God, what did I just open, you open, within me? It’s fantastic. Marvelous. I love you. The love and joy is overflowing and if this is just a glimpse of what Heaven has to offer, color me shocked beyond belief. Though I believe with every ounce of my…this vessel, MY SOUL.

My Best Seller Year

2021. You’re here and not a moment too soon. Let me tell you what I have in store for you this year…

Goals

Be happy. Duh.

Continue reading, writing, discussing, taking time with the Lord. He is the only reason we are exactly where we need to be today.

You make the decisions. No body else. Whether it hurts them, confuses them, or makes them not want to ever talk to you again. It’s just the way things need to be done.

Stay committed. Patrick deserves no less.

Trust in what the Lord puts in front of you, he knows you can pursue and flourish in all that you do.

Remember how awesome I am. Self-love baby.

Big news?

Sadie and Betsy integrated and now I just go as Betsi. It’s all very overwhelming, and I’m not going to lie, I feel different. I can feel and hear both voices when I think and when I speak and when certain emotions trigger from which part. I’ve never felt better. I feel confident, happy, and like I can finally be happy for the first time in forever.

Morbid, I guess, as this may sound, we decided on “Betsi” together. We didn’t want to keep any part of Sadie. The two words that bolden on the page the most is “sad” and “die.” So we dropped it all but the i, which still says the same thing, but “I” stands for integration and becoming this beautiful two parts.

We work well together, I must say. A glorious little swirl of oneself.

Happy DID Anniversary Fox Tales. This year, we are writing a best seller.