Co-conscious Conversation

Talk to me. Why did that scare you? YOU DON’T REMEMBER WHAT JUST SCARED YOU? Nope, guess I don’t. This is not going up. I’m not going to leave you. I promise you, okay? Trust me. Please. That’s all I want. I’m anxious. I don’t like to feel feelings. It’s so exhausting. It’s intense. I can sense when it’s going to happen and it just flows. I’m overpouring the water and it’s flowing in every direction. Why can’t I make it stop? I’m not going to drown. I am stronger than this. Betsi.

Betsi

Betsi

Betsi

Betsi

NO!

Yes…

Tell me what you want?

What do you want from me?

Is this really what you wanted to happen?

A little devil on your fucking shoulder, angel on your other shoulder. I don’t like the images I’m seeing in my head. Back to reality. But not really. Snapped out of it.

For only a second.

Until I came along and ruined your little song.

What do you mean by that?

Honestly, I’m just high.

Ahhhh… Yea, me too.

Betsi?

Yea?

I think we’re going to be just fine, you and I.

That’s all I’ve ever wanted.

Uh, What?

I honestly don’t know if it’s delirium from lack of sleep, food, and the copious amounts of daytime and nighttime Alka Seltzer Cold & Flu I’ve been taking, but I feel high. I’ve felt this way for about three days now. Floating, nothing hurts, nothing bothering me. A lot of times I can’t feel my own body, I don’t feel like I’m actually inside of it. The motions happen and I just watch. It’s so beautifully strange.

I wake up like this and my intent is then to write and put all these thoughts out there. I get comfortable and ready to let all that’s on my mind out and I draw a blank. Am I just not ready to reveal what my mind is in constant thought over? Why am I dissociating so bad all of a sudden. I was filled with so much happiness, not that I’m not right now. Don’t get me wrong, I feel numb in a good way. Like, a really good way. Don’tcha think?

I literally wrote that last paragraph with my eyes closed the entire time but it’s as if I could see it when I was writing it. I watched my fingers glide over the keys and the words pop up on my screen, but I swear, my eyes were closed. Or were they? This is fun. I like this feeling.

My body is so tired. I feel absolutely exhausted but my mind wants to get going. It’s firing on all cylinders and wants to go, go, go. All the time. My body just can’t keep up. I guess that’s why I’ve been treating myself differently lately. Putting good foods in, exercising, and trying to make better decisions mentally. I seriously feel like I’ve smoked right now. I wish I had smoke right now. Helps me to sleep and calm my mind.

Delusional and out of my mind. I’m not 100% here right now. Not one bit. It’s just a feeling and it’s hard to feel at the moment, so it’s strong. I have been trying to sleep and it’s not working because I’ve got SO much running through my mind constantly. It won’t stop. So many voices, so many thoughts, not enough time for this worthless vessel. It’s no joke, earthly things definitely have an expiration date. It’ll be nice when it can be replaced with my heavenly one.

I don’t know if I should post this because it’s not thought out, this is just like the “in between” time of dissociation and nothing is really making sense to me. Or too much sense, if that makes any sense. Yea, I’m going to post this.

Do you ever question your life?

Do you ever wonder why?

Do you ever see in your dreams, all the castles in the sky?

Got Your Head In The Clouds, Silly Girl…

I am soaring above it all, looking down and marveling in the beauty that my life is becoming. Tears of joy and thanksgiving fill my eyes and overflow in my heart. I just never knew a love like the one with you. It’s a rare masterpiece, a hidden gem, the X at the end of a treasure map. Surprising, exciting, glorious, and worth the wait. That is exactly what I found in you. Do you know the power you possess over this vessel? It’s extraordinary and glows brilliantly as the full moon sitting in the clear night sky. The sight is breathtaking and makes you gasp for the crisp cool air of winter. Snuggled warm against each other, in the safest embrace you could ever find comfort in.

All of it. I mean every word. I wish I could create a word beautiful enough to express the way in which you mean to me. That could never be possible. It doesn’t need to be, you are more than a description in a book. I feel my soul intertwine with yours when we are together. When you hold me, make love to me, kiss my forehead, and squeeze me tight. Such a majestic embrace you give. Like the most precious ring for a Hobbit, or the child worth fighting for. The meaning is inexplicable, unexplainable. You make me search for words that are descriptive but I just can’t find it. I’ve searched for you my whole life and I had no idea I was on the hunt in the first place. Lost and afraid. Running through the wet and muddy forest, stopping to shake the feelings of insecurity and self-doubt over and over and over again.

I don’t need to run anymore, I don’t want to anymore. There’s no reason. I want to stay put for you. The only commitment I’ve truly wanted to stay still and savor. I’m a diamond in the ruff that you picked up and made sparkle and shine once more. I may never have the words, but I can promise you I’ve got a love that you can never put a damper on if my light is sufficient enough for you.

I love you.

NO MORE HIDING

When I woke up, something was COMPLETELY different. I mean, so different I couldn’t stay silent. I’m done being told how to live my life and who to have in my life. So, let’s just say, today, December 16th, 2020, is The Fox Tales System “Life Take Back Day.” I am going to be exactly who I have always been and made to be closed off. I want to be seen for the true human being I am, and we are many.

I don’t care anymore what ANYONE thinks of me because I know that God is the only one who matters when it comes to judgement. I know it may disappoint some and make some not want to be in my life anymore. That’s not my problem anymore, it’s yours. So take me or leave me baby. I have BROKE these damned chains and I’ve unleashed my true potential and now, I’m going to take a hold of it and make it my bitch. I am going to shine so bright, I’ll make you go blind. The suns got NOTHING on me. The positivity that is radiating through me right now would be enough to choke a puppy. Don’t ask me where this is coming from, because I couldn’t honestly give you that answer at the moment. All I know is I am done being closeted and I am AWAKE.

I feel Clover hop and jump around inside, grit her teeth and nash at the negativity and demons in my mind. No one and nothing is going to tell me the way I should be living my life and have control of me. The holy spirit flows through my veins and my flaws are present, but damn if I’m not trying my hardest to be the best person I can. I am not perfect, I am the ultimate sinner, and I will never be without, but I can try my best every day to be the person God meant me to be.

I wish I could describe, in words, this feeling that is pouring out of me. It’s unlike anything I’ve ever experienced and I don’t want to stop having it. You know how you can become a born again Christian? I felt like I was born again to myself and not to anyone but me. God has shown me all I need to thrive and survive in this lifetime. It’s through HIM. Why haven’t I made this as clear as it is to me now? Why haven’t I seen the blessings he has placed in my life and not shouted out to the world of his glory until now?! Time to turn it all around.

I am alive. I am happy. I am deserving (even when we aren’t). I am ME.

Gaudete Sunday

JOY. Week 3 of Advent is Joy. This word has been following me around for the back end of 2020 and it’s been speaking to me more and more every single day. The word is plastered all over my room on the walls and decor. I honestly feel like the Lord is trying to remind me of all the Joy in my life and the Joy of rejoicing Jesus. That feeling of joy from God alone. Thinking about salvation, eternal life, the coming of Jesus. That overwhelming sense of Joy that is indescribable. That’s the Joy He is talking about.

It’s the only pink candle lit in the Advent candles. I like that it is represented because it is of utmost importance. He is a God of Hope, Peace, Joy, and Love. All positive. No negativity. That’s what I’m going to continue to concentrate on in my life, because when we focus on the faithfulness of God, we are bringing him great Joy.

I honestly never thought I’d make my 2021 the year of “Joy.” This is a new person who I’ve not become as familiar with, yet. She is great.

Heavenly Father,

This third week of Advent, let us remember that the good news of Jesus’ birth has the power to bring us great joy this Christmas season. Our joy isn’t dependent on what is going on in our life, in our world, or the people that we are with. It doesn’t depend on the gifts we give or the gifts we find under the tree. No earthly thing can ever give us complete joy. Our joy comes from you. That joy that flooded the hearts of the shepherds, the angels, the wise men, the hosts of heaven, and Mary and Joseph is the joy that still has the power to overwhelm our hearts with rejoicing. 

Those who gathered around the new baby were blessed because they believed that you had fulfilled your promises. Mary and Joseph believed and were able to feel the joy of holding baby Jesus in their arms. The shepherds and wise men believed the angles and the signs and experienced the great gladness of worshipping their Messiah.

Those who knew him and recognized him were overjoyed at the coming of Jesus. They saw the prophecies fulfilled and their fear was replaced with happiness as they gazed on the face of the one who would be their Savior. They trusted in your promises and their hearts were filled with gladness as they watched your loving-kindness manifested in the face of a tiny baby in a lowly manger. 

Father, you offer that same joy to us now if we know you and recognize Jesus as our Savior and Lord. You gave us a reason to celebrate when you gave us the unspeakable gift of Jesus Christ. You came to dwell among us. You went to Calvary’s cross for us. You overcame death and rose from the dead for us. You forgive our sins and give us eternal life when we believe in you. 

Our joy doesn’t come from our jobs, our family, our relationships, our finances, or our success. Our joy doesn’t come from what we have on earth or who we are with. Our joy is a gift. It is the gift that you gave us that first Christmas in Jesus Christ. Our joy is encompassed in our Savior, King Jesus. Flood our heart with joy this Advent season as we reflect on the good news of Jesus’ birth. In Jesus’ precious name we pray. Amen

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.” -Romans 15:13 NIV

I Can Honestly Say: I LOVE MY LIFE

Today Is: December 6th, 2020 (Sunday Funday)

I’m Grateful For: Rock Trance

Exodus 3:10-12: “‘So now, go. I am sending you to Pharaoh to bring my people the Israelites out of Egypt.’ But Moses said to God, ‘Who am I that I should go to Pharaoh and bring the Israelites out of Egypt?’ And God said, ‘I will be with you. And this will be the sign to you that it is I who have sent you: When you have brought the people out of Egypt, you will worship God on this mountain.'”

On My Heart Today: I woke up extremely happy today. Being in God’s word first thing is very helpful and uplifting. I seriously feel like I can’t get enough. I feel like an addict who just craves more and more. With each verse I read, story, song I hear, post I make for the ministry, and so on, it’s like I’m jonesing for another taste for the Lord’s Good Word. This life, THIS addiction is so beautiful. Addiction is what I know best in my life unfortunately and the comparisons are just so relatable. Lord knows what I say is true, it’s just a longing to be in the word and make it to the Kingdom. The “Ultimate High.” I don’t feel it’s a bad thing to describe these feelings I’m having. It’s a positive thing in my life, a habit-forming miracle that I’ve been blessed with. Taking the taste of alcohol out of my mouth is more than I could’ve ever asked for. It’s a love I’ve never known, a life I didn’t think was for me. Anybody can have this life and it took me a very long time to understand this. I feel worthy of being a daughter of the King.

My Word For Today: Addiction- The state of being compulsively committed to a habit or practice or to something that is psychologically or physically habit-forming.

If you asked me a couple years ago if I thought I’d be here, I would call you crazy and deny, deny, deny. I was so brainwashed and in such a deep hole. I didn’t think I’d ever have the wool pulled from my eyes but I see so clearly now. Being able to step back and really look at the situations I’ve been in, the way I’ve been treated, the gaslighting, the manipulation. I don’t know how I NEVER saw it. I feel bad for what I’ve put myself through and I’m trying to make it up to a lot of my sweet head mates because of this. I understand why now that some of the choices made and actions taken had to happen or went the way that it did. Thank God he found ways to show me the truth.

Waking up this morning next to Patrick felt like a dream come true. Every morning I wake up next to him is a blessing in itself. I cherish our time together every week. Being able to be comfortable enough to do my own thing and not worry about bothering him is a new feeling. It’s so nice not to be judged or feel like I’m annoying or burdening someone. I can enjoy myself without judgement. That’s a huge part of what stopped me so much. I couldn’t take the judgement, I couldn’t sacrifice making anyone unhappy, so I let go of mine. I don’t have to do that anymore. I never knew that happiness can be genuine and full of so much love. It’s like a double-whammy of dopamine. I get excited over the littlest things and appreciate so much more in my life. Showing more gratitude during my day and stopping to thank the Lord for something I saw, or a feeling I’m having, or because I “saw what ya did there, God,” and everything adds up during my devotional and scripture reading for the day. I am so glad this life is mine now. No matter what happens from here on out, I know to trust and just live out my calling.

I’ve decided I need to stop looking to the future and wonder and have these anxieties over things that haven’t even happened. I am making myself live for today as much as possible. It’s the only known time we have and I want to make every bit of it count. Rejoicing in the Lord and loving my neighbors with a love like Jesus. What an incredible honor to be a disciple and make him known. The peace and tranquility I feel right now is almost overwhelming.

So I found a Rock EDM Mashup remix on YouTube Music and I am in love with it. It hypes me up and keeps me concentrated. That is one type of music I’ve found that can keep me going, trance. Some like to listen to instrumental, some classical, me… Give me that “Uhn Tiss Uhn Tiss Uhn Tiss, Baby!!” (Good song by Bloodhound Gang btw)

Tomorrow I have to go up to the Aetna building to do that I9, take my ID picture for my badge, and get my equipment. I’m so dang excited. It feels so good to be employed again. More purpose in my life and more opportunity to move forward thanks to God. I wish I could explain to you the rush coursing through my veins and what it is doing to my mind right now. Sometimes when I feel this way it’s because I’m dissociating but this time I’m not. I feel relaxed, like I’m on a good painkiller, happy, and just in the moment. I keep spacing out but the thoughts that come are only positive. I feel like I’m on ecstasy. Don’t judge. I just know the experiences I’ve had and can compare.

Showing System Love: CW Journal Entry

Today Is: December 4th, 2020 (Last weekend before I start my new job!)

Psalm 146:1-6: “Praise the LORD! Let all that I am praise the LORD. I will praise the LORD as long as I live. I will sing praises to my GOD with my dying breath. Don’t put your confidence in powerful people; there is no help for you there. When they breathe their last, they return to earth, and all their plans die with them. But joyful are those who have the GOD of Israel as their helper, whose hope is in the LORD their GOD. He made Heaven and earth, the sea, and everything in them. He keeps every promise forever.”

On My Heart Today: My heart is genuinely happy. I’m feeling more and more at peace with myself. I’m starting to feel like I’m finally going to be able to rely on myself to follow God’s will in getting my life back on track. If he wouldn’t have opened my eyes to everything, I know I wouldn’t be writing these words right now. I want to help Sadie SO much in healing from taking all the abuse from bad men and making her have to react in the ways she did. It’s NOT your fault and you shouldn’t have to keep living in memory of abuse and hurt. I want to help you because I love you and you were so mistreated. We, as a system, deserve happiness and peace after everything we’ve ever been through. I love each and every one of you so much and thank you for finally trusting me and making yourselves known. ❤

My Word For Today: System- Any assemblage or set of correlated members:The Fox Tales System

Autumn Cozy Day: CW Journal Entry

Today Is: December 2nd, 2020 (Autumn Cozy Day)

I’m Grateful For: Communication

Psalm 23:1-6: “The LORD is my Shepherd; I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside still waters. He restores my soul. He leads me in the paths of righteousness for his name’s sake. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; you anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I shall dwell in the house of the LORD forever.”

On My Heart Today: The human emotion is so crazy to me. One minute I’m fine, next freaking out, then in a euphoric state of happiness and trust in the Lord. Then I’m right back to worry, panic, and doubt. I’m a true rollercoaster. I know I’m bipolar for a fact, that wasn’t a misdiagnose, I just wish it wasn’t the truth. I want to get to a place where I am so trusting of the Lord I just don’t question and live. Roll with it. He even states, what’s an ounce more of worry going to add to your life? It truly isn’t and I’ve got to start remembering that truth. I’ve got to practice what I preach to other women. It’s funny how you can see and advise others in their problems but not see your own. I want to be able to sit back and look at my own circumstances with the same clarity and understanding as others.

My Word For Today: Trustinginclined to trust; confiding; trustful.

SmallGroupsOnline

Small Group Update: It is going way better than I could’ve ever expected. The amount of participation and love everyone is showing is beyond a blessing in itself. The Lord really gave me a terrific group of women who just want to know what a close relationship to him feels like. I’m so ecstatic.

December 2020: CW Journal Entry

Today is: December 1, 2020 (Victoria’s Christmas Party)

I’m Grateful For: Friends gathering together for a good time.

Romans 12:1-2: “I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.”

On My Heart Today: I feel refreshed today. I’m no longer afraid to do things because I want to. I loved taking Dexxy on a long walk so we could both get some exercise. He’s caged too much and I just want to take care of him as well. I enjoyed the scenery and the big lake we walked around. It reminded me of being on the track team at Kahler Middle. It looks just like the lake we would run around to get some laps in. It felt renewing being able to watch Dex enjoy himself, sniff, explore, run, mark his sports, and it reminds me he is God’s fine creation too. He should enjoy the beauty that I get to and live his short doggy life happy. I love him so much. Even if he isn’t Rigby, he already holds such a special place in my heart. I love enjoying all the Lord has created and I’m trying so hard not to conform to this world. I’m keeping Christ at the forefront of my mind and trying to always go to Him first. ❤

Sweet Dexter

My Word For Today: Grateful- Pleasing to the mind or senses; agreeable or welcome; refreshing.

Sharing Is Caring

I feel this pull on my heart strings to share some of Cultivate Worship and use this as my “journal” for the study, I suppose. The more I spend time in the word and with God, the less negative and depressed I feel. True happiness is only applied when I’m in his word, which he has been speaking clearly to me through. I had a good start to the day and then it started going downhill for no reason. It’s my doubts and insecurities getting the best of me and I know I’m not supposed to let that happen. I know better than that. I have said time and time again how I trust the Lord and he will provide. Why can’t my human mind just understand that and stay content in my situations? Again. He is fighting for me. It’s been a while since I’ve been able to just vent and use this as a journal. I know this may sound strange, but doing different themes each month just doesn’t cut what I need to get out straight from the heart. That’s exactly what this study is created to do. So, without further adieu, here goes nothing.

“May these words of my mouth and this meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer.” -Psalm 19:14

What is Worship? (3 Sermon Series) – Bible Baptist Church

Worship is our opportunity to show our adoration and honor to who God is and what He is doing.

Worship helps unlock something God is waiting to give us. There are three things waiting on the other side of worship:

  1. Healing
  2. Peace
  3. Purpose

Worship connects us to God.

Today is: November 30th, 2020

I’m Grateful For: The Written Word

Psalm 148:1-6:

“Praise the LORD! Praise the LORD from the heavens; praise him in the heights! Praise him, all his angels, praise him, all his hosts! Praise him, sun and moon, praise him, all you shining stars! Praise him, you highest heavens, and you waters above the heavens! Let them praise the name of the LORD! For he commanded and they were created, And he established them forever and ever. He gave a decree, and it shall not pass away.”

On My Heart Today:

(This is actually from November 7th, the first day I actually started this study. I wanted to share what I first wrote when starting.) The love I have towards the man sitting in my line of site. The Lord has blessed me with someone who will appreciate me for myself and sees my worth. I’m experiencing a clean, pure love that I truly did not know existed. It makes me realize that I can have a good life if I focus on what’s most important to me. Always putting God, Jesus, Holy Spirit first and being guided according to God’s Will for my life. I know with every fiber of my being this is exactly where I am supposed to be. The things happening in my life are changing and positive because I’ve FULLY given myself to the Lord. *Mind *Body *Spirit *Soul *ALL of it! I ask he uses me how he sees fit and I will obey. Life is always exciting and full of Joy when I’m living for Him. I didn’t think my life was ever going to change. The passion I have for everything and life is nothing short of a MIRACLE! ❤

My Word For Today:

Obedience- The authority of a religious superior, especially on the part of one who has vowed such conformance.

I’d like to try and steady do this every day to keep my head in the game and my heart heading in the right direction. Even if that’s how I felt that day, the way I’m feeling now is quite dismal. My heart is heavy and I feel depressed. I just want to sleep and not think about things of this world right now. Of course, then I just dream about my problems. It never fails. Whatever is weighing heavy on my heart pounces on me in the unconscious state. I have a lot I truly need to get out but it’s like I’m afraid to write these feelings out. To see what they look like jotted down makes me think it would be endless. I just don’t want to complain about a life chosen for me. I just know when I start to bottle things up what the outcome can be and that’s not what I’m looking for to happen. I’ve been so lucky that this is the outlet I have been wanting to use. Writing, journaling, reading the Bible, and really putting my heart into my small group and this bible study. My intentions are pure and I truly want to be all that God says I’m capable of being. I’m exhausted but I need to stay awake or I’ll be up at 1 and that’ll be it for a good night’s sleep. ~Sigh~