Does anyone remember that book? “Speak,” by Laurie Halse Anderson was one of my favorites in the beginning of high school. My best friend Melinda told me about the book and the main character was Melinda and she depicted her to a tee. Crazy. I always looked up to her. Something about her is special and only God knows why.
So, it’s been a while hasn’t it? A lot has gone on in my life since I’ve last spoke. I don’t know where to begin because it’s all just so amazing. I will start with what’s most important to me and the most relevant.
My new team leader, Karon, hit me up in a message about how I am doing a great job with my small group and the engagement and love I show to them. Well, she then ended up sending me a message asking if I would like to be mentored by her. I will be her FIRST mentee! I am so beyond honored and blessed. It was an honest to God shock, he could totally tell you that! I’ve only been a small group leader for technically 3 studies now. She said this was my first “technical” one but that’s because I’ve honestly not been mentored since I was put into a team lead group. My first leader, Jessica, became busy with work and school and it was just time for a break. I could tell. I offered a suggestion to have us ladies help out in her team on posts so she wouldn’t be super swamped. She is such a sweet girl and I absolutely love her. I believe this season she is just going through something else.
Moving on. My job is still going purdy well. Yesterday was very strange. Like, the way everything was falling in place.
Started out waking up to Lyle telling me to gtfo of bed and start my day. I could honestly feel the adrenaline rushing through my veins. Whenever I am not doing something he wants to do in the moment, he completely puts my body into a permanent fight mode. So I’m literally fighting myself to be motivated and get going. Once I get up I know he’s pretty much in control so everything gets done. Shower, smoke, take pills, mix pink drink (Plexus, it’s a gut healthy probiotic drink. I bet you thought alcoholic drink. HA! Gurl, we done with that shit.) I lied. I have a White Claw or two on Friday evenings. Takes the edge off and I don’t overdo it. I’m happy with new me.
Back on task (Lyle). Sir, yes, sir! hehe… Make my coffee/tea/smoothie. Whatever the body is feeling that day. Can you believe there are some mornings where I have absolutely NO want for coffee? I know!! What is wrong with me? That’s not the case this morning. Sipping on my pink drink and Salted Caramel Java Monster in the fridge. It’s going to be an amazing weekend. The Lord seriously provides and I feel SO blessed right now.
Oh, so this morning Lyle did it again and we were going to clean out the fridge but then I kind of made a deal. I get to have a relaxing weekend, do some things I enjoy (ex. write in my journal, bible study, read, listen to music, be with my favorite son and favorite … I literally almost put husband. I guess we already know what Patrick means to me. When I got up I took Dexxy on a walk and now he has been chilling with me. He is digging into the couch right now. I love how huskies dig to find comfort in their spot. This beautiful boy makes my heart sing. I have three handsome, sweet, loving, and cuddly men in my life and I couldn’t be any happier than I am right now. If that becomes possible, God may just blow my mind.
I let my Aetna family (training group) know as a random fact in one of our white board “Get To Know You” activities. I was not expecting the reaction I got. Of course Tab thought I had Schizophrenia, which is not the same. Get that straight. I love her, I can see us being really close. My trainer is a life coach and works with people who have suffered traumatic, triggering situations in their life. She heard about my disorder and it was like, wait, what?! Lakisha congratulated me for being so open and honest, that we are truly family now. That made me feel so good. To hear them all understand and be so nice to me made me feel like I have a place in this life as me, myself, and 50 plus. You know. DID and all. Haha.
I’ve moved into my second home, Patrick’s. Now, I’m staying Weds-Fri/Sat nights and Sunday-Tuesday nights at my Mom’s place with Eddie. I’m trying to get acclimated and start my life in a fresh, clean, and new perspective. I have a feeling this is all going to work out for the betterment of our lives. Eddie has no idea what kind of life he will continue to have. It’ll be more than he can imagine too. I mean, he is my son and the Holy Spirit flows through his veins and pumps love through his heart. I can’t imagine not having Eddie in my life. I am working through a lot when it comes to him. This is where a therapist comes into play. I need to understand my feelings and why I can shut off and live a completely different life when I’m over here. (Here’s where the extreme guilt comes into play.)
New things just keep surfacing, things I never thought twice about. I am one of those people who shove the emotions way deep down and lock them up. Once the box is so full, it explodes and it presents itself in the form of binge-drinking, pill-popping, smoking, affairs, or partaking in the same sex. I’m just going to be an open book and honest. I am not perfect and the flaws and sins I possess are very real and a struggle every day to hold down. It’s like that damn jack-in-the-box that no matter how hard you try to put the jester back in, it eventually springs back up in your face. That’s my addictions in a nutshell. I haven’t yet found the perfect balance, but I promise you, I’m making my way towards it.
You know, I really hope y’all enjoy this mind of mine. It’s a vast and mountainous wonderland of memories, some known and not known. Sometimes I go back and read over what was written and learn something new about myself that day. That part of me doesn’t feel that way but another part of me does. That’s why we work together to help mend that need or hurt, however we have to. I have to say, I’m lucky. My system has shown a lot of initiative and strength through everything we’ve been through. It’s a miracle we are here typing this to you. I can tell you some exact moments when I thought I was surely going to die.
I remember one time (ex) Ryan and I got some extremely potent cocaine and it made me feel like I could run a marathon around the world. At one point, I knew it wasn’t a good idea, but did it anyway. I watched as he tapped the tiny plastic zip lock bag onto the dresser and reach around for his wallet to grab his ID. He cut and thinly laid out two lines for us. I rolled up a dollar bill, placed it at one end, and in seconds it was in and running everywhere in my body. It was warm and shocking and filled me with anxiety. I think I am addicted to that feeling too because it makes me feel alive.
I put the bill in his hand and let him do his. While I was walking away I remember feeling my heart thump extremely hard in my chest and it stopped. The room started spinning and I couldn’t think anything but, “That was my last line. This is where it ends, Bets…” I fell to my knees and couldn’t talk and laid up against the mattress in his bedroom and memories started to come at me like one of those automatic baseball launchers. I thought I was done. He came over and grabbed me, but I didn’t feel, I could only see his fingers grip around my arms and I was okay. I was panicking but was ready to accept death.
It was the quickest, slowest moment of my life. Literally like what you see in the movies, everything slows down and you are moving at force speed, Flash style. Then once your experience is over it all comes back full force. I became dizzy and nauseated and everything came back to real time. I got up and said, “We need to go for a walk.” (Like walking it off was a thing…) But when you are high, you think anything is possible. Invincible my ass. That’s not a thing.
We walked around the neighborhood and then went back to his house and climbed up his window (second story) and sat on the roof and looked up at the stars and through the dark trees. It was calming for a little while. We came back inside and laid on his mattress and just starred at the ceiling for at least three hours. I was wondering how I was going to make it through work that day and if I was going to be on my 72 hour mark or more of being awake. Cocaine fueled and adrenaline pumped. We were both in our own worlds laying there. I’m surprised we didn’t rise out of our bodies and get shit done while our motionless bodies lay in a high that kept us sedated.
Looking back and remembering this and getting it out is so freeing. The judgement? I don’t care about because this, it helps me, us. I feel like I could continue, keep going, but I feel like I need to space these out. It can become a lot to process, even for a reader. Believe me, if I lived through it and am here to tell it, you are going to feel the feelings. I can guarantee that.
For those who made it this far, thank you for holding on and understanding. You know, God doesn’t choose the equipped, he equips the chosen. Think about that.