Friends?

I want them and I don’t. I try and then I bail. I cherish my alone time but there are times when I want to hang out. The thing is, I don’t have them. My best friend, I live with. He has been enough. Yeah, I have friends online and really try to keep up but it’s hard. It exhausts me. I feel like I owe. I’m too much of a people-pleaser, I will say yes when I mean no. It’s hard to have them because I feel this obligation to have all the right answers. I am so far from anyone you’d want to go to for advice.

The one thing I ALWAYS get told is, “You are just so easy to talk to, I feel like I can open up to you.” My whole life. I’ve heard some amazing stories in my life. Total strangers amuse me a lot. Good intentions but sometimes a little too much info shared. I genuinely care about people. I want to be there for others and help. But what if I am the one who needs the help right now?

All of my best friends I’ve had over time have all moved on as have I. One friendship I cherish is Emily. We could go months without talking and when we do, it’s like we never stopped. We get each other in that way. I’m never worried about that one.

Do I make a better long-distance friend? I’ve wondered this. I’m really good at them. Knowing I don’t have to go out and can just shoot a text and see if it’s a good time to talk. I have problems talking on the phone. I’m trying to do that more but for some reason, it exhausts and fills me with anxiety. People exhaust me in general. Going out for long periods of time does this as well. It’s almost like we get going and then I’m already thinking, “I can’t wait to get home.” I feel this pressure to be “normal.”

We all know that’s not going to happen.

Maybe I’m not mentally ready yet. I’ve prayed for a friend, but I didn’t look over to the man sitting next to me. I feel too old, like my time to find that one friend that I could tell anything to and they could do the same, has passed. I find openness attractive. It’s one thing I wish Patrick would do. I don’t know what to do about that one.

I think I’m just in a “friend rut” at the moment.

Too Many Tabs Open

Move, dammit! Say something. ANYTHING. I have so many things going on inside my head that I can’t stop the whirlwind of thoughts enough to grab just one. I need to reorganize my library again, damn thought closet is so disheveled. There are too many things happening inside and nothing produces on the outside. Has that ever happened to you? I can’t make myself function under the clutter and it’s making me stagnant.

There are too many feelings on how this system should work that it’s clogging up the inner workings. It’s been a while since it’s been this way and part of me enjoys having the company, yet part of me hates the headache. I feel lost and found. How can you feel both ways at the same time? I’m putting so many pieces together but the picture still isn’t clear as to what that is. I have a pile of pieces put together over here, and some over there and down there… nothing connected in the middle yet. That’s the part I’m working on now. I know it’ll eventually end up a beautiful picture puzzle. Time and not my own.

I have come to a lot of serious conclusions in my life. I don’t think all of myself came to the realization that I am an addict. I thought I knew it and was so certain of it. In group the other week the therapist asked a question, “When was the exact moment it clicked?” It threw my whole system completely off like I wasn’t all in on the intervention crew. Parts of me were shocked and it made me dissociate and this clarity that I was ready to accept it FULLY, FINALLY happened. Everybody onboard? Yup. Totally.

I’ve been having weird dreams about accepting what I can not change. I felt a huge wave of sadness wash over me and for a couple of days, I went silent. I wasn’t sure what to think. I almost feel embarrassed that it took me this long. It makes me feel stupid. To feel so sure for so long and then get a slap of reality hits. I’m moving on from a horribly beautiful disaster of a life. It’s coming to an end and I’m not sure how I feel about that. It’s time to live clean and the way life can and should be. I’m scared. I’m not used to this. This part of me is in shock but most of me understand this.

I’ve been silent for way too long. I hardly spoke my whole existence because I was just the “raving party girl.” The drugs that silenced me, the music that beat through my veins, the lust that shushed my mouth, held me down and took my innocence slowly. There isn’t a place for me now and I don’t know what to do. These memories are just a breath in the wind of long ago.

I want this help and to be a part of this whole, but it’s so foreign and I don’t feel like I belong. I think it may be time to let go of you. I’m sorry Roxy. That panic you feel is the acceptance that each part had to feel. Oof… I feel strange. It went silent again and I don’t know what that means.

It’s not easy for anybody here right now. I need to be comforted and I truly don’t know what that would consist of at the moment. I’m not all here, part of me is chasing myself into the darkness. Well, this may be a couple more days of “whatever the fuck is going to happen is going to happen.”

Yikes. This went south quick. I was not expecting this entry to go this way… I guess I can take over for now and get the rest of the thoughts out in one big nutshell. I’m confused about my working situation, healing situation, faith journey, relationships, hell, ALL of it. I overthink the littlest things and let them get to me.

My big floof Dexter always knows when it’s time to comfort me. Little cuddles from Heaven. It’s calming. Holding onto him always grounds me, makes me feel better. It brings the wolves close to the front and the pack is satisfied. I think I need a little break and then we will come back to this. (You won’t even know we’re gone.)

Look at that. Back to our original programming. Let the dissociating commence! My health is another thing that’s been a bother. I’ve been having a lot of discomfort and heartburn. It makes my chest throb and pain shoot to my back. It is triggering to me because a lot of these feelings take me back to binges.

Pops always know when to intervene. When I’m in a funk, some music that reminds me of him comes on. Literally, “Uptown Funk”-Bruno Mars. It’s bringing a smile to my face and tap to my toes. I’m telling you, God is good. Little things are HUGE to me.

I think I’m going to stop here since my mood keeps fluctuating, which makes it difficult to know what to write. Thanks for riding my emotional rollercoaster, garbage cans are to the left in case of motion sickness…

Expectations

I asked a question to my study group today about expectations and I was surprised by all of the responses that I received to it. These women are comfortable enough to come out and acknowledge their unrealistic expectations. This got me thinking about mine.

My mind immediately went to my ex-husband. I expected him to want to change for our family. I expected him to keep me happy, which was so selfish. I expected him to work but fewer hours because I felt alone. I expected him to bring home alcohol every night (that part did happen). I expected he would want to get sober with me (that part did NOT happen.) It makes me look back and think did I just expect too much and when I didn’t see it, did I just give up? Everything was hurting our family. The decision was for the best.

Then my mind went to the expectations of myself. I can already stop myself right here because I will NEVER meet those. They aren’t even within reach and I need to change them immediately. I have always expected way too much of myself to the point I became mentally and physically ill. Certain situations in my life have made these expectations too high. It’s because I was never good enough, or so I thought. I was counting on the wrong person all along. Myself. It should have been God. It is becoming Him now.

Years of thinking this way are not easy to adjust to, but I’m getting there. I expected my drinking to never get out of hand, always controlled. I work like this … I am either one extreme or another. All in or not at all. My addictive lifestyle was all I knew. If I’m not careful, I can make anything my new addiction. I have passions. I have to remember not everything is an “addiction”. I just feel like the saying, “Once an addict, always an addict”, seems so accurate in my life. I feel like I have to moderate everything I do in my life. It’s simply wanting to overindulge in everything I do. Sometimes I truly wish I was not hardwired this way. I’m trying to rewire it all, heart, brain, actions … all of it. I don’t necessarily want to change who I am, that’s impossible, but I want to be a positive version of myself.

Negativity has always been one of the hardest things to overcome in my life. I grew up around it. I don’t want to become a statistic of that. I want to see the positives and be the positive person I always knew I could be. Papa was always my role model, still is. He was one of the most positive people I’d ever met. Patrick reminds me of him.

I loved his upbeat positivity for life, all the way down to the last breath he took. I felt it in my soul when he passed away. I remember sitting in my Government History class in Freshman year and it was around 9:45 am and I said to myself, “It’s okay to let go if you have to Papa…” It was just getting so bad. When I got home Mom said Papa passed, but I already knew. These things have happened to me a lot in my life. Just knowing when things and what things were going to happen. I don’t understand it but I don’t question it. Sometimes I wonder if it’s a little gift.

I’m expecting to try and go to sleep here in a minute but we already know that’s an unrealistic reality. Funny how that works.

Resolving My Future

I can move on. Resolving my case was one of the most satisfying things. I feel so many different changes within that I can’t describe. I feel a calm and peace I’ve never known. I have no urge to touch the bottle again. It makes me sick to my stomach from the way it made me live my life. I’ve awoken and it is so beautiful on the side of the valley. You sure did walk that dark valley for a long time with me, Lord. I finally get to heal and enjoy the green pastures. The chaos is left behind and I only look forward now.

There’s a shift that happened inside and I can feel me again. The girl I used to be, the one I always should’ve been. I buried you so deep down and you’ve finally found your way out. I’m so proud of you. I’m proud of where you’ve come from and where you are going. I’m in love with your relationship with our Father, it’s a blessing in disguise. The journey I am on is only getting better and becoming clearer to me. Praying and talking to You every day only makes my day better. When you talk to me through Scripture, it’s on point and wonderful. This moment in my life is the closest I’ve ever felt to you and I only want it to grow.

I am super dissociated tonight, very spacy. I’m relaxed and I feel like I have no energy. Completely lethargic but at the same time my mind is going. My baby got me a sweet little something and it made me feel so loved. Wanna see?

He knows how to make me feel like the only girl in his world. He is a gift I at first didn’t think I deserved. I know now, we just needed to find each other to make this life seem right. We work. It’s peaceful and love and calm and joy. It’s the complete opposite of what life used to be. It’s simple and true. This is how I pictured life so long ago and I guess the best was saved for last. It’s become a new beginning to happiness. Happiness I never knew. Not like this.

I won’t take for granted what the Lord has given to me. He’s helping me heal relationships and show me the truth. I was so blind. I don’t know why it had to take this long to figure it all out but it was worth it. Tough love from a Father who loves me so much. I was so closed off, not anymore. I don’t want to be locked up inside. I can finally breathe. Self-sabotage no longer has a home within me. It broke off and the feeling is not there anymore. It’s been so long, this restoration happened at just the right time in my life. Timing is perfect. I don’t know what I need for my life, but you do. I trust my life in your hands.

Merry Christmas Eve

There is this one Christmas Eve memory that I have that is engraved into my mind and I think about it every year. We were at Grandma Carol and Grandpa Jack’s house back when we lived in NW Indiana. I would say I was in 6th grade at the time and I was sitting in their front living room where the tree was in one of their fancy chairs. Curled up with Nickelback streaming through my headphones and reading one of my favorite books in the Fearless series by Francine Pascal. In the book, Mary and Gaia were running around the balloons that were half inflated and sliding down them. They were the balloons for the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade because they lived in New York and teenagers getting away with late-night teenage stuff. This was during the time where she was wanting to have sex with Sam or Ed, it was a weird situation. Ed was her best guy friend and Sam, the supermodel type who her frenemy Heather was not okay with.

Gaia Moore was exactly who I wanted to be growing up through my youth and so I started to turn into her more and more. I was always a tomboy, but still pretty. I just never saw it. So was she. She was smart and advanced in school but didn’t show it, just slumped through it. She got to come and go as she pleased because she lived with her Uncle in a brownstone and he was always working. She didn’t have many friends but it wasn’t an issue. Her ability was obvious that she was “Fearless”, as the series suggests. Born without the “fear gene.” Is that even a thing? Haha… Anything was possible in my mind at the time. Part of me wonders if I turned off my fears because a year later we moved to Florida and nothing mattered anymore. I truly became her.

It was a strange time in my life. I never really sat and realized how much those books influenced me. I was still reading them through High School. Every book report would be on the next one… I mean, there were 36 of them and then they tried to make a spinoff book series of her as an FBI agent like her father Tom was. They only made it through 4 books. Unfortunately, I can see why. You don’t fix what ain’t broken in the first place. If I could obtain all those books again, I would be in Heaven. They were all left at the hell house and it is very upsetting. Those books were there for me through my tough and weird teenage years, it’s literally what I turned to so I could “get away” for a while.

When I think of that memory, my mind floods and it reminds me of a simpler (or not so) life. Those characters were my friends for so long. I never felt like I quite fit in. Still don’t. This world isn’t for me and I know that now. It was so soothing, snow falling, and in the world of Gaia Moore…

February 14th, 2018

Little Update

The time around Christmas is always a little difficult for me emotionally. I’m trying so hard not to let them get to me like they used to. We all know what that does. So I guess I should start this without immediately bashing my spirit, huh?

One thing that is completely different is going to AA meetings when normally it’d be the 24 bottles of Christmas countdown for the Clarks. Times that by two, Lord knows it was two fifths a day… who am I kidding? No, this time it’s a straight-edge holiday and I’m happy and that is strange to me. I went to a meeting last night and it was a lot of the “hard emotions” surrounding this time of year. I totally get it. Holidays in general was enough a reason to drink. And the eves to the holidays…and so on and so forth.

Listening to these men and women’s stories makes me feel good. I can find at least one or more things to relate to in each of their stories. I have yet the nerve to share, I don’t know what I would say, where to begin. I feel I would be boring compared to everyone else as seasoned as my drinking life was. My sponsor is such a sweetheart and very comforting and compassionate. I know that’s what I need because I couldn’t handle a hardass, I’m not equipped with the emotional state to do so.

I did share with her that I was able to get my son’s Christmas present put together early and without messing it up. I was told by his dad I wouldn’t be able to do it as he drunkenly “jokingly” made fun of me. Yes, I still helped him pick out Eddie’s present because I know it wouldn’t have happened if I didn’t. That left a nasty gash on my heart because he could never encourage me and never had an ounce of faith in me. I don’t know why I’m letting it get to me so much.

Well, guess what? I put together a 2,064 piece Super Mario Lego set all alone and I have to say, it was very therapeutic. I didn’t make any mistakes and it made me proud. It’s the little accomplishments I suppose. I just want Eddie to have a great Christmas in any way that I can. Today we got him a Mario stocking and candy to go inside. That’s always one of my favorite things to do each year. Tradition. I am trying to just live in the moment and enjoy this week before Christmas rolls around and it’s all over again. I’m not doing too bad…

Leading a small group for Proverbs 31 OBS really helps me keep grounded. We’ve been going through an Advent study that ends Christmas Eve. It’s been nice to take time to spend the month cherishing Jesus and the Christmas story. Preparing my heart always puts me in better spirits. Thank God for our Savior. As soon as this study is done I have to have the new group made and ready to go for the next study that starts immediately at the beginning of 2022. This will keep me focused as I give my situations, my life to God each day. I have to surrender or I’ll lose what I’m trying to achieve.

I also am a Facebook writer for the ministry so that means I get to write posts every week and that keeps my mind on Jesus. Writing is the best thing that’s come into my life as far as a calling goes. That’s one thing I believe in myself. I’m starting to believe I am the mother Eddie needs. God didn’t make any mistakes in this huge plan He made. I am blessed beyond belief where I’m at in this life right now.

It’s so nice to be sitting on this couch next to the man I love more than myself. I’ve got a sweet floof of a pup who loves the heck out of me. He is truly my emotional support dog. As I write I go in between sips of hot tea with honey and flip through my music selection on YouTube Music. I stand behind the Tube… I’m not much of a Spotify gal myself, which is funny because that’s the platform our ministry uses to create our study playlists. I’m learning to love songs I used to have a hard time listening to again and it feels good. I don’t have to associate them with drinking. It helps to write about it. Getting it all out on the page clears out space in my already too full library in my head.

I feel happy right now. I’m in a safe space surrounded by love and I know the Holy Spirit is with me. When I get these butterflies that I call “JOY” rush through my body, I know who it is. Why is it, when I am writing, the perfect songs come on. I mean, the lyrics are making that feeling even stronger. Oh, I love it!

I keep thinking about this story I wrote back in high school that I found and I’m wondering if there is something I can do with it. It makes me happy when I think about it and think about other situations for Autumn to get into. She gets happy when I think about this stuff. My mind is creative and when it gets a moment to shine, it takes it. My “moments” come and go as quickly as turning on and off a light switch. I wish I could be “on” all the time, but that just isn’t possible in this lifetime.

I am hoping that I can make a video welcome for our next study. My mind is jumping all over the place. Music does that to me. I don’t know what I’d do without it. Well, I think that’s it for me tonight. As much as I want to keep going, I’m not focused enough.

Hello December

I have this haze of sadness circling me and it won’t go away. It’s not just about one thing, I think it’s a mix of many emotions I can’t place at the moment. Hello December.

As much as I’ve always thought December was a happy and exciting month, ever since I was little, there was a sadness within me that I never understood. I try my hardest not to give in to the feeling. I have so many things to be thankful for in this life and it all could have a positive spin if I’d let it. I’ve been negative for so long that I don’t know how to truly let myself be happy. I’m getting close. Always out of reach.

Today I woke up and didn’t recognize who it was waking up. This happens every so often and it normally happens when I’m groggy and out of it. I felt in a playful mood and confident. I wasn’t worried about anything and just being… myself? There are times when I can’t remember what happened within an hour or even a couple minutes of my day. It’s like someone else takes over for a while so I can just be. Not have to be full of anxiety or too into my problems.

Switching it up. I got all of my Christmas cards done and ready to be mailed out last night. I have never been one to really send out holiday cards. It felt nice. It took me about two hours, but while I was doing that, time stood still. I was so concentrated on something that made me happy and it brought me peace.

I found a new artist I really like who did an album of Christmas songs that don’t make you want to puke. It’s very calming and very me. It’s called “The Birth of A King” by Tommee Profitt. I highly recommend checking it out. It has a very cinematic sound to it if that makes sense?

I really wanted to write today and I’m coming up empty again. It’s when I don’t have the urge that something just comes out. When I plan to take a moment to do it, I feel put on the spot. There’s so much I hold inside and it freezes at my fingertips and won’t let me express myself. I rotate through so many of the same thoughts every day. I bring panic upon myself at least over a hundred times a day and I quickly try to shut it out.

I notice when I’m reading is when my mind wanders the most. My eyes will be following along the lines on the pages but I’m completely somewhere else. Next thing I know I’m a couple chapters in and have no idea what’s going on. It’s like when you drive a car and then the next thing you know you are at your destination without remembering how you got there. That freaks me out.

No matter how much I ask for my worries and things that plague my mind to be taken away, it just doesn’t happen. It’s frustrating. I just want to experience a season in my life where I don’t have to worry. Not one bit. Shouldn’t that be now?

Hello December…

Thanksgiving Eve

Does anyone get excited as I do over Thanksgiving? As much as I want to say it’s been ruined, when I think about it, that’s not the case. We can all pin bad memories of tragic events to holidays but we can also cherish them for what they are and who is around us now. It doesn’t have to suck all the joy out of it.

This year Mom and I decided instead of doing Thanksgiving dinner, we are going to do breakfast. Two different casseroles — french toast and quiche. Our happiest memories have always taken place the morning of Thanksgiving as we traditionally watch The Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. I love the fact that we can carry on this tradition with my son and give him all the feels to grow up on.

I always think about Papa this time of year. This was his favorite holiday and not to mention his birthday. He was the father figure in my life growing up and it started my downward spiral when he passed in 2005. I was crushed, heartbroken, and looking for that familiar feeling of Godly compassion only he was capable of providing. My relationship with my dad just wasn’t ideal.

I’m trying to keep a positive spin on this year when things have felt impossible. Thank God it’s all possible through Christ and the strength he provides to make life manageable. I give all my thanks to Him for everything He’s ever done or provided to me.

I’m so thankful this will be another sober holiday. Normally we would kick off the week with a two-day pregame and then wonder why we didn’t quite remember the actual day or eating any of the food. I can’t help but think of those memories because it makes me thankful for what I do have now. No, we aren’t hosting or cooking, but I know it’ll be a sober small gathering that will be worth every minute.

AA has been going well for me. I’ve only been to two meetings so far, but the location of this one in an actual church is a blessing. I’ve done my fair share of meetings back when I didn’t take any of it seriously. Heck, I was drunk at them with my ex-husband every time. This time I feel the urge to work the program and am pretty sure I’ve found a sponsor. I’m excited to do this right and see the progress. I can already feel it when I’m there, the religious presence is completely enveloping the room the whole time. It gives me a desire to share, but I feel as if God is making me patiently wait until it’s the right time. The liquid courage in me in the past would share anything and everything because that’s how drunk me rolled.

It’s strange the mixed emotions I get when I go. The only reason is that I’m seeing it through sober eyes and a non-judgemental mind. It’s nice. I seriously thought this couldn’t be for me, but I think God has other plans. I’ll take it!

I hope everyone has a blessed Thanksgiving and a heart of gratitude for what you do have in this life. God bless.

Why work on me?

Why wouldn’t I work on myself? Working on myself and healing means I become stronger in spirit, in faith and can be more readily available for all the plans God has for me. Why is it so hard for me to find a starting point? I don’t know where to start. I feel like when I go to the inner library of my mind I just scan along the dusty books of my pain and past and blindly pick and choose what I think could be taken care of quickly. I believe that’s my problem, I want a quick fix.

I am afraid to take time and to actually feel what I’ve pushed down for so long and there is so much now that it feels impossible to even choose. It’s the way I am with books, I start one then buy another one, then pick up another one and go right back to the first one. My mind can’t just stay focused on one thing and work with it. I feel like it all has to be healed and made right, right now! I don’t want to feel broken or diseased or a burden. I’m realizing, even though I say I have, I’m not sincerely forgiving the one person that needs it the most, myself.

I can forgive and look past everyone and everything else but what I have said or done. I just stuff down what I’ve “forgiven” of myself and move on without truly forgiving myself. Why is that? Why can we forgive or point out flaws and give advice to others when we can’t do the same to ourselves? Admitting our problems or our own flaws is repulsive because it’s about us. We want to have control over so much that we don’t even realize when we are trying to access what we can’t control. Then wonder why things don’t play out to our standards or what “should be.”

I’m in my Bible daily trying to learn and to hear what the Lord has for me each day. One more piece is added to my puzzle and it clicks into place and then I can move on to the next. Again, not taking time to admire what I’ve already completed. I don’t sit back and really see what I’ve been through and what I’ve accomplished because I’m only concentrating on the next bad thing that happens. It’s like I go looking for it. Chaos ensues my life and sometimes I don’t know how to function without it. I’m not necessarily bored with my life, I just don’t want to deal with it, at all.

That’s when we look to others and things to find what we are missing. Trying to find happiness, contentment in objects or people. Thinking our happiness will come from that, when in fact, it’s far from the Truth. God. The simplest act of repenting and coming to the Father for redemption is so overlooked and it’s becoming such a problem. When something bad happens I normally don’t think, “God, what can you do to make this right?” It’s, “God, what can I do to make this right?”, when I know full well I can’t do anything without Him.

I look back to circumstances of my past and I would look to the bottle. That’s what will cure my ailments, right? I wouldn’t open my Bible and turn to His Truths, I would grab the keys and head to the nearest liquor store. I would drown myself and my problems in alcohol and pray I live another day. I’ve done what I’ve done to myself and that’s always the hardest part for people to admit. We want to blame, shame, and guilt others for our actions. Why can’t we just own up to our own faults and work through them?

I know that I’m asking myself all these questions because I can read it, I can physically see it on the page where I’m losing myself every time. It’s almost like I don’t want to believe a liquid could hurt me. Am I blaming the alcohol? Yes. I used it as a coping mechanism. I chose sin to hurt myself and others around me instead of God. The one true God who could’ve helped me all along. He still can. That I just realized.

I am not “too far gone.” I am exactly where He wants me to be, exactly what I need to be doing to move forward and live for Him. Without admitting my faults and asking forgiveness it will only settle within me and cause more hurt and destruction. I need to see all of the good He has placed in front of me. The people in my life. This brings me to this next section of questions.

What people does God have you around currently?

He has me around my family. He has me around my online church family. He has me around a therapist to seek mental stability. He has me around animals that comfort me. He has others that are suffering the same illness all around. Support groups. People of faith. He has me around Patrick who lacks faith but does everything else right. A missing piece to his puzzle. (Codependency: looking to other people’s problems to try and fix.) While helping myself I want to help others. I guess that’s a fault I’m going to have a long road ahead to work on. I guess I am a fixer. I want everything around me to flourish except me. How does that work?

Who do you live, work, and play with?

I live with Patrick during the week, my family, and my son on the weekends. I am always in contact with someone from the church even if it’s as simple as liking a post by one of the members. I work with people who have similar issues to mine and find comfort in working with dogs. I prefer the comfort of animals to people most times. Control. Can’t talk back, deciding what food they eat, what things they play with, and when we go for a walk. I play with sin. I play with temptations and things I know aren’t good for me. It’s more of a learned response to all of my feelings and emotions. Every reason is a reason to drink and every feeling is a reason to drink. Every action. All of it.

Where has God placed you?

He has placed me among people who love and care for me. That can help me through this healing process and NOT hurt me. He has given me scare and time to think among others who I didn’t think I belonged a part of to show me who I m not. He has placed me with people who bless my lives through Him because he loves and cares for me.

Where do you live, work, and interact with others?

I live with people who care about my well-being. I work with people who care about my well-being. I work with people who care about my relationship with God. I interact with people every day who just want to see me get better. Why can’t I see that for myself? I know what it is. I don’t see my healing as important. It’s “not that bad.” What is the definition of “not that bad?” Everyone would have a different response, a degree, and think it crazy others don’t see it that way.

How are these people and places shaping your calling?

They are helping me to see what I can’t. God is helping me to understand what I can not understand. I noticed in all of my responses I never truly named God as who I’m with, living with, working with. I think that just opened my eyes to something I’ve been blind to. I am not putting God first. He should’ve been the first response in every answer. See how easy it is to overlook the one thing that is above all else? He is the reason I am finding solutions. He is the reason I’m starving for knowledge, to know Him better than I know myself. As humans, we forget how easy it is to succumb to this world’s answers when we should be looking to otherworldly answers. I should be reaching higher, not of this world as it should be.

Lord, why is it so hard to come to you first? Is it because I’ve conditioned myself in all the wrong ways? Yes. I know. Finding comfort and security in the things and people that hurt me most. It’s a guilt and shame thing. I don’t feel deserving of my Father’s love. That’s so sad. I’m judging the relationship of people here on the relationship I have with God. I’m trying to bring him down to my standards, to my understanding when I should be looking towards His. Why is this so hard to comprehend? Why is this so hard to do daily? It’s like I reset and forget daily. If I don’t come to God, I go to sin. That’s not what I want for my life anymore. I want my first instinct to be, go to God in prayer, open my Bible and listen to what the Holy Spirit has to move me at that moment. I’m not taking the time to be still in the presence of the Lord and make decisions based on HIS timing. I focus on mine. I want all of this to change.

Lord, I want you to be the center and focus of my life. The answer to every problem. I want to take up my cross daily, follow you, and cast all of my anxieties on you because I can. My worries are so big and I am so small, but Lord, you are so big. You’ve overcome it all. I want this reminder daily. Every decision I mull over, I want to bring to you in prayer. I know my prayer life is stagnant and not the best. Sometimes when I pray I feel like I’m not doing it right or just going around and around in circles when you already know where I’m going with it. Then I feel guilty because I feel like I’m wasting your time when I know I’m not a waste of your time. You chose me. Why can’t I comprehend that one?

“Cast your burden on the Lord, and he will sustain you; he will never allow the righteous to be shaken. God, you will bring them down to the Pit of destruction; men of bloodshed and treachery will not live out half their days. But I will trust in you.” -Psalm 55: 22-23 CSB

Lord, I ask you, help me put all my burden onto your shoulders. Help me carry what I can not carry on my own. Help me to trust when I can’t trust myself or others. Let all of my trust be in You and for You. Show me your ways everlasting so I might live among you all the days of my life. I want this life made for me because of Your love for me. I don’t do the things I do because it’s what I want to do, it’s because it’s accessible and within reach. Help my unbelief. Help me put my trust in the things I cannot see. I want the glory and praise to go directly to you. I ask this in your name, Lord. Amen.

Psalm 116 on 11/6

I love the Lord because he hears my voice and my prayer for mercy. Because he bends down to listen, I will pray as long as I have breath! Death wrapped its ropes around me; the terrors of the grave overtook me. I saw only trouble and sorrow. Then I called on the name of the Lord: “Please, Lord, save me!” How kind the Lord is! How good he is! So merciful, this God of ours! The Lord protects those of childlike faith; I was facing death, and he saved me. Let my soul be at rest again, for the Lord has been good to me. He has saved me from death, my eyes from tears, my feet from stumbling. And so I walk in the Lord’s presence as I live here on earth! I believed in you, so I said, “I am deeply troubled, Lord.” In my anxiety, I cried out to you, “These people are all liars!” What can I offer the Lord for all he has done for me? I will lift up the cup of salvation and praise the Lord’s name for saving me. I will keep my promises to the Lord in the presence of his people. The Lord cares deeply when his loved ones die. O Lord, I am your servant; yes, I am your servant, born into your household; you have freed me from my chains. I will offer you a sacrifice of thanksgiving and call on the name of the Lord. I will fulfill my vows to the Lord in the presence of all his people — in the house of the Lord in the heart of Jerusalem. Praise the Lord!

Beautifully put, I couldn’t have said that better myself. Daily nudges are the best part of my day. I know when the Lord is speaking to me and where I need to turn my attention. He most definitely has my full attention. Every single time. He knows exactly what I need to hear, to meditate on. This relationship I have with the Father only grows more fruitful as I learn to work on my weaknesses with Him. I feel his warm embrace and can see the smile of contentment as I start to grasp what he has been trying to say to me all along. It’s a feeling like no other. Childlike faith keeps me filled with wonder, questions, and the urge to search and learn so much more. He gives that gift to me.

My intentions are good. This, I know. I just let the wrong things lead me, I worshiped the wrong things. I put my faith and trust into manmade objects and feelings that only hurt me. Surrendering to the LORD has been like a rebirth that I desperately needed all along. I don’t want for the things that only hurt me. I want for the things that bring me eternal life.

Simple. Good. Two people in my life have recently stated it this way — Mom and Patrick. The Lord uses those close to us, those we love, to show us His love. He is the ultimate “undercover boss.” I intentionally look for Him in everyone and everything I encounter and it’s a mind-blowing experience every time. I am so blessed in ways I never saw before. Lord, you’ve done so much for me in my life that I didn’t realize could be used for good. These are the life lessons that I needed to let you guide me through. Designed for only me.

My comfort comes from you, Lord. No matter what the situation is. I can’t express the gratitude I have for everything you’ve shown me thus far. I’m excited about all the rest. You make this life exciting and I can only imagine what it will be like when You live among us. A beautiful Heaven on earth. If these are the feelings I have now, the magnitude that they will increase would surely kill my flesh. (Thank God.) I am in this with You and through You and for You. Please show me what you want of me. I am your servant and you did save me from death, multiple times. The light has never been brighter in my circumstances until now. A defining moment in my life where everything is coming together and starting to make sense. Only You could provide.

I’m in awe of it all. Jaw-dropping awe. Thank you. I love you.