Son’s Downtime

So I decided to ask Eddie random questions because I figured he’d enjoy it, right? Here are the results. 😁

Dog or cat? Dog. Sorry Frank (Our cat)
Pirate or Ninja? Ninjaaaa
Banana or Orange? Orange
Plum or Pear? Pear
Orange or Red? Red
Sonic or Mario? Sonic
Beach or Mountains? Beach
Soda or Pop? Pop!
Superhero or Villain? Villain
Sunny or Cloudy? Cloudy
Spongebob or Patrick? Patrick
M&Ms or Skittles? M&Ms
Stars or Moon? Moon
Wolf or Fox? Fox
Mickey or Minnie? Minnie
Woody or Buzz? Buzz
Mike Wazowski or James P Sullivan? Mike Wazowski!
Deadpool or Slade? Deadpool
Joker or Harley? Harley
Shorts or Pants? Shorts
Disney or Nickelodeon? Disney
TV Shows or Movies? Movies
What is your favorite shape? Rectangle
What’s your favorite letter? E
What’s your favorite word that starts with the letter E? Eddie…
What’s your favorite fruit? Apple
What’s your favorite vegetable? Corn
What’s your favorite thing to do in the Summer? ”The sun…” Me: ”What?” Eddie: ”That’s just the way the cookie crumbles…” Me: ”Okay, Forky.”
What’s your favorite Disney + show? Muppet Babies

E: ”Mom, can you be quiet?” Me: ”Yes, baby…” E: ”It’s Eddie!!”

He is not amused. 🤣 I love my fox 🦊

Image may contain: Betsy Clark, selfie and closeup
I love my sweet man ❤

Mindless Downtime

1. Dog or Cat? Dog

2. Netflix or YouTube? YouTube

3. Phone Call or Text? Text

4. Toast or Eggs? Eggs

5. Cardio or Weights? Cardio

6. Facebook or Twitter? Facebook

7. Ice Cream Cone or Snow Cone? Ice Cream Cone

8. Mobile Games or Console Games? Console, Playstation

9. While walking: Music or Podcasts? Music

10. iOS or Android? iOS

11. Form or Function? Function

12. Pop or Indie? Pop

13. Cake or Pie? Pie

14. Swimming or Sunbathing? Swimming

15. High-tech or Low-tech? High-tech

16. Big Party or Small Gathering? Small Gathering

17. New Clothes or New Phone? New Clothes

18. Rich Friend or Loyal Friend? Loyal Friend

19. Football or Basketball? To watch: Football – To play: Basketball

20. Work Hard or Play Hard? Work Hard

21. Nice Car or Nice Home Interior? Nice Home Interior

22. What’s worse: Laundry or Dishes? Dishes

23. Jogging or Hiking? Hiking

24. Bath or Shower? Shower

25. Sneakers or Sandals? Sneakers, Converse.

26. Glasses or Contacts? Contacts

27. Hamburger or Taco? Taco

28. Couch or Recliner? Couch

29. Online Shopping or Shopping in a Store? Online Shopping

30. Receive: Email or Letter? Email

31. Passenger or Driver? Passenger

32. Tablet or Computer? Laptop

33. Most important in a partner: Intelligent or Funny? Funny

34. Car or Truck? Car

35. Blue or Red? Red

36. Money or Free Time? Free Time

37. Amusement Park or Day at the Beach? Amusement Park

38. At a movie: Candy or Popcorn? Popcorn

39. Pen or Pencil? Pen

40. Toilet paper: Over or Under? Over

41. Cups in the cupboard: Right Side Up or Upside Down? Right Side Up

42. Pancake or Waffle? Waffle

43. Coke or Pepsi? Coke

44. Coffee Cup or Thermos? Coffee Cup

45. Blinds or Curtain? Curtain

46. Train or Plane? Plane

47. Phone or Phablet? Phone

48. Iced Coffee or Hot Coffee? Iced Coffee

49. Meat or Vegetables? Meat, altho I like an all veggie meal from time to time.

50. International Vacation or a New TV? International Vacation

51. Save or Spend? Save

52. Honesty or Other’s Feelings? Honesty

53. Coffee or Tea? This is difficult. Coffee in the morning. Tea in the evening.

54. TV or Book? Book

55. Movie at Home or Movie at the Theater? Movie at Home

56. Ocean or Mountains? Mountains

57. Horror Movie or Comedy Movie? Comedy Movie

58. City or Countryside? Countryside

59. Winter or Summer? Winter

60. Mac or PC? PC

61. Console Gaming or PC Gaming? Console Gaming

62. Soup or Sandwich? Soup

63. Card Game or Board Game? Board Game

64. Classical Art or Modern Art? Modern Art

65. Beer or Wine? Whisky

66. Camping or Binge Watching Shows at Home? Binge Watching Shows at Home

67. Working Alone or Working in a Team? Working in a Team (Always doing that anyway)

68. Dine In or Delivery? Dine In

69. Sweater or Hoodie? Hoodie

70. Comic Book or Comic Strips? Comic Strips

71. Motorcycle or Bicycle? Motorcycle

72. Book or eBook? Book

73. When sleeping: Fan or No Fan? Fan or Two.

74. Ninjas or Pirates? Pirates

75. TV Shows or Movies? TV Shows

I’m sorry this is yet again so simple and not original. I’m doing a lot right now and sometimes these mindless little “this or that” helps to just take some downtime. Turn the mind down a notch. I totally get why we do icebreakers in our groups because sometimes you need a break. My life just needs a break. I can’t wait to get moved down so I can take a break before another big step in my life. Y’all take care now.

Update

Update: Our house sold in one day. We had 9 showings, 4 offers, and that was that. How absolutely absurd. The market is obviously not slowing down. I am just in shock that it sold as quickly as it did. The Lord has the most perfect timing and the plans I never could see coming. I was also able to get Eddie a new doctor and appointment as soon as we get down there for school. I mean, this is all working so simplistically and I am so blessed.

Everything is moving quicker than I expected and now it’s crunch time. We have the majority of what can be packed so it’s pretty much the weekend to pack up the two trailers and head down. I also have my bible study group pre-loaded with everything to go and that starts the 22nd. I just got done creating the template for the first day. I want to plan to have at least 3 posts per day. Something for the morning, afternoon, and evening. I want everyone to get the most out of the study as we can provide.

My group is already to 20 women and I am just ecstatic about it all. I’ve equally got 10 returning and 10 new, so it might not be as quiet as I’m expecting it to be. I’ve been told summer studies are a bit slower because it’s the “down time” of the year. Although 2020 has been a pretty good bit of “summer statis” so far anyway. I just pray God gives me the tools to be a voice for the ministry and really bring something to the table for everyone.

“And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.” 1 Peter 5:10 ESV

Chit-Chat

There are things that we come across in our lives that we love and know we will never get rid of even if there are holes worn in the legs or tears in the sleeves. Those little treasures that make us happy, secure and safe. I have looked far and wide for a pair of plaid red, pink, and black pj pants with pockets and came from Walmart, I’d say around 2004. They were the most comfortable pair of pj pants I’ve ever owned and haven’t been able to find a pair since. They were so torn it wasn’t salvageable. Strange way to start an entry, I know, but I was thinking about things that bring me comfort again because I haven’t been feeling good.

I’ve been nauseated on and off for about three days now and it’s so subtle that it’s almost irritating. Pepto has become my best friend and interrupted sleep has become my enemy. I just want to feel at my best because we are nearing the last few weeks of being in this house and I want to not be useless. It’s so bittersweet. The majority of things are packed away that can be. Basic necessities and the like are what we keep out to entertain ourselves. The realtor comes by Tuesday to sign some paperwork and get the sign in the front yard. My Mom, strong as she is, has really pushed herself to get everything prepared for our venture back to Florida. She is such a role model and I love her very much.

I’m not so nervous about the small group anymore. I can confidently say that I made my welcome video for my group and I’m proud of myself for setting a goal that I completed. Being on camera is a major trigger and being able to be comfortable enough to speak to 20 or so ladies without ever meeting a one (besides my best friend, Em) is something to be proud of. I did have help from a couple insiders, Autumn and Lyle. Kudos to them for being patient enough with me. I don’t think I would’ve been able to pull through. I also finished the book finally. It took me a little while but it’s just a book that has to be read in sections. It has a lot of information in it and can get lost so it’s easier to take my time. It ended up being really good and I did get something valuable from it. I sure hope my ladies do too.

Now I can start preparing questions and other fun things to enjoy with them. I just want them to feel led and informed by me through Christ. That’s all I honestly ask. I want to continue to pray to the Lord and ask him to place the wisdom, knowledge, and encouragement I know I’ve got in me to proceed successfully with this study. I am a beautiful daughter of the Lord and I will disciple to the best of my abilities, what he provides me with.

I had different thoughts that have been running through my head recently and it’s nice to just get out the randomness from time to time. This is how I am most of the time. It’s very scrambled and topics are never stuck to. The disorganization of this blog sometimes makes me wonder. It’s okay though, all of us together, it’s what makes me the person I am. I feel whole when I’ve got my insiders by my side. I’m really digging the new nickname. (Check you out, Bets. Good job. -Gus)

I’m trying to think now of another thing I wish I had. Oh, right. When I was in high school and I went to go visit my friend, Melinda, in Indiana (where I’m originally from) I met one of her friends. He was a huge fan of KoRn, as was I, and had this awesome black hoodie with KoRn written in huge black letters on the front. Black on black, what can I say. I can’t remember his name for the life of me but we connected right off the bat. It was a cold night kinda later in the year and we were sitting around one of JD’s infamous bonfires and I was shaking pretty bad. He took off his hoodie and gave it to me to wear and kissed me. I was shocked but it was nice and he held me the rest of the time, bonus. Being a 13-year-old it was a big deal.

Needless to say that was the only time I saw him before I left to go back down to Florida and took the sweater with me. I wore that thing until it had holes and looked ragged. Mom ended up cutting the name of the band out of the front and throwing it away and I was enraged. My boyfriend, Daniel, at the time was shocked when she threw it at me when we were in my room. Thank God she didn’t come in until after the handjob or that would’ve been awkward. Teenagers are horny little thangs, aren’t they? I remember when Daniel would wear my hoodie around school and when he’d return it the smell of him made my panties melt. So of course it was a sad day when I had to say goodbye to it.

Enough story time for today. I’ve got Tracker pretty co-conscious with me at the moment so I know what that means. Time to hop off here, have a quick smoke break, and talk to You. We both fancy You and you’ve never had a problem hearing what we both want the next time we meet. All I know is my birthday is only two Saturday’s after the weekend we move. Lucky 7/11 baby and you know we about to get lucky. Night y’all -Tracker/Betsy

Refresher

Fresh starts are easier to come by these days than not. Normally I’m in ruts but my life has taken a turn for the better, or so sees the “cup half full” part of me. I have been preparing to lead my small group and it’s a big mix of emotions. I am someone who gets frustrated easily if I can’t figure out something simple. I have to take a step back, take a deep breath, and evaluate my thinking. If I don’t there’s no helping me that day. Go to bed, start fresh the next day.

The majority is finished, I just have to do a spin off of the welcome speech and decide if I want to keep it a warm and written one or attempt to make a video. My mentor and sister in God has inspired me to give this YouTube thing a try. I’ve been getting a little more comfortable in Zoom meetings and talking over video chat. I have confidence, I know it’s in there in the forms of many others, but I need help from them. I want to show a “no fear” mentality but being on camera triggers me. I have to feel like I’m talking to a good friend if I’m going to attempt this welcome speech for the ladies.

I know for a fact I have to mentally prepare for this so I’m going to get up early tomorrow, clean myself up, and try. To keep the pressure off, I know it’s not mandatory. It’s just to add a little spice to the party if I decide I’m ready to. Lord knows I can write up the script and make it sound pretty amazing. I pride myself on the ability to work with words. It’s familiar, comfortable, and us. I can’t take credit for a lot because there are tons of us who like to write and express ourselves when we feel the urge. That’s why it’s tough to be able to share this blog because it can prove to be controversial. Not necessarily all topics need to be heard by others. Hence why I use this as a theraputic outlet and not to entertain anyone.

We cleaned out our room today and it’s pretty empty. I think the realization of the move is starting to have an effect on us. It’s exhausting mentally for some reason. I’m having a hard time enjoying things I find comfort in because I’m worried about everything else. It’s hard to concentrate, thus the reason this blog hasn’t been shown too much love lately. I hate it. I did this for a purpose and a reason that’s greater than my own. I feel I need to be more dedicated to it but I also don’t want to produce burn out. I am very bad at doing that quickly. It’s why I hardly ever stick to anything. Which also makes me wonder if agreeing to being a leader for 6 months was a good idea. I know it’s just because I don’t want to fail or lose enjoyment.

I also think I’m nervous because I’m almost on a streak of enjoyment and not losing my interest quickly. There may have been several changes that I’m going to have to learn about and just let happen. I think because I’ve found my passions again, I don’t ever want them to be taken away again. I know how drugs and alcohol have that possessive response and can suck the life out of me in an instant. That’s something I can no longer let have control of my life. Certain someone’s just have to understand that now.

I’m very excited to get this move going. The realtor comes by tomorrow and our house down in Florida is already ready to move into. All we have to do is finish packing the little bit we have left and get this house on the market. It’s nice we don’t have to stay while it sells. Our move date is the weekend of June 27th, the end of the first week of our small groups and bible study. It’s a lot of pressure. I’m so thankful to have Victoria to help me out when things become hectic, as I would always do the same for her. I’m nervous. There’s just a lot and I keep finding that God is showing me that everything is going to turn out just fine. He’s good like that.

Thank God for an amazing ministry of women who love and are so helpful, my family and friends who are always there for me when I can’t be there for myself, and You. The reassurance you’ve given me has finally put me into a place of peace and I can continue to live out the plan made specifically for me.

Late Night Love Letters

Just two separate nights months apart, but somehow you always find a way to make my heart sing for you in the wee hours of the morning, You.

I’m so awake it’s crazy and my thoughts are running rampant through my mind. I’m laying here and thinking I guess I’ve got some time to let out know how much you mean to me and all my mates. I’m like your very own Tinder that you can swipe right for all the dates. It’s so loud in here and if I look out I can see above the crowd who keep on screaming at the top of their lungs what you are all about. The way you stroke the hair on your chin when you are lost deep in thought. Or when you’d stare at me typing away on my laptop. The comfort I feel when I’m with you is one that could never be replaced. Even if I’d love to sit upon that mouth and muffle your face. I’m strangely fond of a strap on and hope one day you’ll let me strike your fancy. Because baby I’m kinky and not all of us are prissy girl nancies. You make me feel so many different ways I can hardly keep my head on straight. It’s a good thing you’ve got strong arms in case I decided to hyperventilate. The safety you provide was never what my mind had in store. To find the one I can be vulnerable I’d ask for nothing more. It’s funny how my mind becomes wired and never tired of you running through my head. As long as I’m the one when you are done cuddled up inside my bed. Until that day I guess it’s true what they say about a heart. It grows fonder, only stronger until you and I won’t ever have to part. Sweet Dreams my Love.

I can’t help but think of all the obstacles I’ve had to overcome to get to you. How life’s choices took me down a path that would eventually lead me right into your secured arms wrapped ever so snug around my being. The tense feeling of emotions running rampant through my mind and the electric shock sent through my system that you bring. It’s made me feel the most alive I’ve felt in a long time. In the end it was always you, my final destination on this dusty and bumpy dirt road. One I’ve become all too familiar with, mud sloshed and tread on. To come upon a smooth surface throws me off balance and I swerve to straighten my path, the one that belongs to you. The courses I’ve took, the side hustles I’ve presented, and dings just goes to show the story I’ve possessed without you. I’m strong and beautifully broken, a restoration you can’t resist. Make me purr so much stronger, vibrating my love creating a rumble so fierce that gunshots couldn’t come close to the sounds I confess that is my love for you. Of all the choices I’ve made one is certainly clear and it’s blatantly graced upon me, a shot in the dark worth taking. Never mistaking, you my dear. Sweet dreams.

Torn to Transgressions

Today I stand torn. My feelings are torn and it infuriates me to no end. The more I go down this path of righteousness the more I am starting to see where all my sins fall. I am aware of the wrong I am doing in my life and it makes me want to correct it to the best of my abilities. It makes me wonder if I could truly possess a relationship that is yoked. I feel like God has been opening my eyes to the hurt, anger, negativity of this world. They are coming in forms of so called “friends” who are showing their colors when I speak up on my beliefs.

It truly saddens me and it makes me want to defend my Father more and more without care of who does or doesn’t stay in my life. I’m getting to that point. I’m starting to rely more on His word and what HE thinks of me, not anyone else. I even felt guilt and shame when I was talking to You. That never happens but today it unfortunately did. The feeling in the pit of my stomach gurgled the uncleanliness of my heart’s desires. These worldly wants that do not matter in the end. I felt confused, anger, sick, and it would be one of the greatest punishments to myself through God to make me end it. I am so torn and my heart disgusts me now. The awful things that it wants, the sexual acts it wants to commit, handling my anxieties in the wrong ways. I am finding comfort in my sin and it’s starting to take a toll on my faith journey.

I am realizing I want to go down the path and follow Jesus. Drop what I know, my comforts, the things I hold dearest that I think are good, and just follow. I know we can never truly be without sin, but it makes me want to be the closest I can to it and repent every single day of my life. I want to live a life more like Christ now than ever before and it’s the one thing that brings me complete happiness anymore. When I am sitting down in His word, watching wonderful ministers preach about the gospel and help people weed out the false teachers, I feel good. It’s almost a spiritual high I find myself on. I want to stand up and help those who are lost, turning towards false prophecy, and lead them away from the prosperity bible. It’s so sad.

Does it not say in Jude Chapter one what the false teachers do, stand for, all that are not in which is the way Christ wants you to live. Woe for them that went the way of Cain because he wanted God to love and understand him under his provisions. Not the Father’s. Greed. Pure greed. Clouds Without Water. I do implore you check out Justin Peters seminar. I believe it’s a 3 parter but I’m telling you, it’s wonderful. I attended a live seminar of his and Andrew Rappaport’s called, Snatch Them From The Flames. It is an 8 hour seminar with breaks, but again, worth every single minute of it. It gives the distinct differences between the Gospel and the Prosperity Gospel.

My Mom bought us both a Journaling Bible, ESV copy, and it has margin on the sides to write down things that come to mind, or really stick out. I am extremely excited to get to work on that. The more information, the more knowledge, the theological side, absolutely every side I want to know more of. I am completely thirsty for the truth and I will study it every day until I can be Home.

Proverbs 31 Ministries is hosting a bible study through our First 5 app on the book of Galatians: How Jesus Invites Us to Live Free, starting June 15th if anyone is interested. There is a book that goes with it you can purchase, but it’s just as well questions to ask yourself during the reading. The real good stuff is in the written word itself. They have a daily devotional to go with the scripture you are reading. I live for these things. While we are on the bandwagon of joining things, we do have our Hidden Potential by Wendy Pope starting on June 22nd. It runs until July 31st. We normally do 6-week studies every couple months. This is an all women’s online ministry for those who are interested or need a place to go to learn more.

I am just so honored that my life could feel this way, for my mind to transform in the ways that it has. I feel there has been a veil lifted from in front of my eyes and there is beauty in the truth. You don’t have to go far to get it either, there’s a book and it’ll tell you everything. It’s just sad when it says something in it that means we can’t have our way and people turn from it. That’s the worldly want, the ugly truth. It’s hard when people argue which way is the right way, when it’s in writing. When I get backed into a corner for sharing what I truly believe in, well I’m sorry for your worldly explanations, but mine is not of the world. Just saying.

I would die for the truth and I can say that with complete sincerity because I know what comes next for me. Certainty through Christ alone is such a glorious thing. The mercy, grace, and love that is shown is absolutely worth every bit of my life that I owe to Him. I feel confident in a very unconfident body and I’m trying to change that about myself. My transgressions always get the best of me in times of weakness and that’s for the like of all mankind. There’s one that sees me through all of that and the only one I want to live my life for now. I know now that if I am going to proclaim and lay it all down before Him, I better make good on my word, as hard and heartbreaking as that may be. I’m almost shocked with these realizations I so boldly place onto this page because I never thought I’d have enough strength to proclaim that Jesus Christ in my Lord and Savior and I’ll do my best to live an “I Can” life as long as all of me will let me.

God Calling

I don’t even know where to begin here. I have so many emotions running through me that I literally don’t know what to do with them. I keep sitting here, staring off wondering what do I do next? I decided to try and write it out but I feel so spacey. I also feel really good, I’m on a mental high of positivity that negates the fact there was a negative beforehand today.

But his answer was: “My grace is all you need, for my power is greatest when you are weak.” I am most happy, then, to be proud of my weaknesses, in order to feel the protection of Christ’s power over me.” -2 Corinthians 12:9 (GNT)

This was the verse I found when I asked God to help me through my husband, yet again, losing his job to drinking. It wasn’t the news I wanted to hear this morning a half hour before my important phone call with the ministry, but there it was. A fresh slap to the face and bringing me back to the realities that is our life. I knew when he called what he was about to tell me. He’s lucky he got away with skipping work a couple days in a row for three months because of his binges. This time he wasn’t so lucky. There’s nothing I could do or say that would make the situation go any other way, so I didn’t. I let him know the level of disappointment but no shock towards the fact this has been happening for two years now. What else am I supposed to say? It’s been said over and over again and the fact he DOES NOT want to change for our son or me just goes to show where his priorities lie. Alcohol.

I reached out to God and my mentor for comfort before my call because that’s where I decided to turn to. It hasn’t failed me yet and I don’t think it ever will. He wants us to come to Him first and I’m still finding my way to Him in times of desperation and uncertainty. My mentor said a lovely prayer over me and shared a verse specifically for me in the scenario I’m in.

But in the depths of my heart I truly know
that you, Yahweh, have become my Shield;
You take me and surround me with yourself.
Your glory covers me continually.
You lift high my head when I bow low in shame.
I have cried out to you, Yahweh, from your holy presence.
You send me a Father’s help.
Pause in his presence

So now I’ll lie down and sleep like a baby—
then I’ll awake in safety, for you surround me with your glory.

Even though dark powers prowl around me,
I won’t be afraid.
” -Psalm 3:3-6 (TPT)

As expected, on 1 o’clock on the dot I received my call from a lovely lady named Tracy. She is one of the training coordinators for Proverbs 31 Ministries. Luckily I get to be in her little group while I go through my first study as a new leader. She only had such sweet and amazing things to say. Her encouragement and infliction of excitement in her voice only made mine grow. I could feel it well up deep within and start to overflow as she spoke each word. It made me feel like I am meant for so much, more than I could imagine. God spoke through her and God-willing, I found the words to respond with without sounding shook.

I’m so over the moon about the path I am being placed on. I know that working with them through everything I am about to go through is exactly where I need to be. I will be healing through the Lord, the exact way I should’ve been from the beginning of all my messy and fractured life. I am so honored for the calling he has placed upon my life. It makes me feel so much hope and grateful attitude towards it all. I was trained by the best of the best and I can feel so much about to come from all of it. Papa, look at me now. Did you ever think your granddaughter could follow in your footsteps? Become the woman I knew you always saw in me. Can I live on in this life and be as honorable and as mentionable as you? I see your gentle hand outreached and guiding me to this life you knew I had in me and I’m so loved. You have always been my guardian angel and I hold that truth to this day.

Lord,

Thank you for the opportunities you’ve placed before me today. Thank you for showing me that I am accepted and am right where I need to be. In the present with you. I no longer need to put my “what ifs” before you because “what is” can only be see through You, the true I Am. Please keep Eddie and I safe as we begin this new journey and moving back down to Florida. I only want what is best for us both and that means all the world that you’ve shown me things I only dreamt of. You’re my strength in my weakest moments, my protector when all comes crashing down, and my light in the darkest of times. You are my Savior, Foundation, and Creator. I thank you for every bit of your presence in my life. In Your Holy Name I Pray,

Amen.

Manic Flow

I’m back baby, in full swing, and full control. Man does it feel good to be out and living life like I just don’t give a fuck. What!? I need to calm down but I’m so excited that I can’t hardly stand it. You want to know what over? NOTHING. Yea. You read that right, over nothing. I am fueled for life and I’m not going to give up what I got going on.

So I was thinking, maybe we just do a little bloggy blog about some random ass pictures from my phone and things I find amusing on the interwebs. Sounds fun to me.

No photo description available.
We all know where this is going. Baby, you a THICC SNACK!
Because this happens ALL the damn time!
Oh so true. I found it all in Yooouuuuu. ❤
Yaaaassssssssss
Every time. Never fails.
Isn’t this always the case? Always got some funny shit to say. I find enjoyment in it. You gotta laugh at yourself sometimes….er…alters laugh at you sometime? Eh..
Blaze, Crymson, Clover, Sukura, Packs!!! Y’alls ears perk up yet?!
That’s the truth. Some things can not be said out loud. We would get in some shit. haha
Too funny not to pass up. I can’t wait for Daddy to be laying next to me. Mmmhmm.
That’s one of the most sexy of things you could say. Hehehe.
Sterling’s Warning. Hands down!
THIS IS EVERY BIT TRUE OF ME. I LOVE THIS. NOTHING MORE ACCURATE THAT I’VE FOUND!!

I know this is VERY outta character, but well, this is exactly who I am and I’m not ashamed. When someone wants to be out here then they are. This is Autumn by the way, this is me while I am out completely, no co-conscious. I am still a teenager, I’ll never age up so I don’t really know what else to say about that. I am not sorry for being full of loveable and fun energy. Oh yea, you heard that right. Haha

So I’ve got this cute little YouTube playlist I’ve made called, “Spazzy Happy Playlist.” I absolutely love it. All of that good closeted for your listening pleasure. I am so pumped and really nothing to talk about I just really wanted to be out here and start typing away. I may usually be the one typing the words, but so much of the time it’s just not my words or my feelings and it’s so weird. Not going to lie. I love me so much. I wish Betsy could understand how much she is loved in this life. She needs to be happy more, life is just way better this way.

Oh it is SOOOOO one of these nights! Jumping up and down on the bed air guitar style. Ugh. I love being out!! I feel good and I just want to like have a sleepover again. I only wish it didn’t have to be inner sleepovers, I mean don’t get me wrong, those are fun too. I was able to talk to Emily today and I LOVE LOVE LOVE her so so much. She was my best friend in High School and she so totally is now. It’s always like unreal when we have a conversation because all the memories of times together, SLEEPOVERS hehehe, and long walks to get a bite to eat. We have had so many adventures in our little teenage lives.

I remember when we got drunk for the first time on New Year’s Eve and I went up to her and go, “I think I want to kiss you…” She laughed and I laughed and we just fell down and talked about what? No clue. We’ve always had like an Ivy, Harley type relationship and that’s an awesome one to have in my opinion. Quinn agrees with me, I see her shaking her head. HAHA. Omg.. This is too much fun. I wish we could go back to that night. Kristin sitting in the corner eating out of a huge bag of chips because she is having a panic attack from being buzzed. Poor girl. haha. I spent that night with all them and one of my first very abusive boyfriends. I was 16 at the time and he was 24 and an alcoholic no less. It’s all good though. I only became stronger from you, so thanks for that!

Oh oh, I love this song…don’t laugh…

I told you, NO LAUGHING. I am seriously in a mood and it’s one I don’t get that often. Man. Okay, what else. What else. Uhmmmmmmmm. So Betsy is totally crushing on a high school friend and she keeps calling him “You” because she is afraid to say his name. Oh man, she’s going to hate me for this one. Don’t be surprised if this is deleted later. She’ll forgive me. Anyway. This man. Let me tell you. He is one of the most amazing people. I was kinda friends with him in high school, we talked but like, in passing. We all hung out by the left side of the belltower. You know what? Best thing to ever walk into her life again. It was a surprise on all out parts because we lured him in and he took a bite and then BAM he took a HUGE bite right into her heart.

These two together are ADORABLE. They both deserve each other. They’ve both been handed the short end of the stick in life and now they are going to blow this world away. A total force to be reckoned with so. That’s what I’ve got to say about that.

Alright, one more music video BECAUSE THERE AIN’T NO PARTY LIKE AN S CLUB PARTAAAAYYYY! Hehehe

Alrighty ladies and gentlemen. That’s it for my appearance tonight. Shhhh, don’t tell Betsy or she might get mad at me later. I’m sure she’ll understand. I need my nights out too. PEACE Y’ALL! -Autumnally Manic!!

Negatives & Positives

Is there such thing as positive addictions? I mean, with a negative there is always a positive, or is there? I have been contemplating this as I was, again, talking to my mentor, let’s just face it. She is one of my best friends, no denying that one. One of the responses I had to her was, “Best friend addiction ever!” I absolutely meant those words. I would much rather be addicted in friendship, in moderation, than to be best friend addicted to a bottle of Tullamore Dew.

My personality is an addiction. A lot of people are addicted to it and sometimes I don’t know if that’s a good or bad thing. There are so many aspects to what makes us up. I mean, I almost have a different person for each situation you could ask for. Sometimes that feels weird to admit, but it’s the truth. My mind is vast and we are many, that’s for sure.

Hmm. Let’s list some negative addictions that I know this body possess.

Negative Influences

  1. Alcoholism (Ever since I was 15, altho I drank way earlier than that. I felt the warm buzzing sensation and I knew it would speak trouble later in my life.)
  2. Cocaine (This was a good 3 year thing, what a craptastic time in my life.)
  3. Benzos & Opioids (Originally used for good became too much of a good thing.)
  4. Sexual Desires (I was super young when sexual involvement started playing a role in our life. There’s a lot of suppressed memories we just can not go into on here.)
  5. Drama (Fighting, arguing, disagreements, sometimes physical violence)
  6. Any type of negative behavior (I guess I find adrenaline in sin, who doesn’t?)
  7. Eating Disorder (I don’t let myself eat regularly, it’s becoming a problem.)
  8. Sleep Deprivation (Yes, this negatively affects me)
  9. Thrill-seeking (Don’t get me started…)
  10. Music (Some music I listen to bring out the thrill-seeker, naughty girl I can be.)
  11. Social Media (I can say I have addictive qualities about constant wanting to be in the know. I’m working hard on this one. It’s hard when your job is being in FB groups and other social sites.)
  12. My Family (A lot of childhood trauma, no need for explanation.)

Positive Influences

  1. Relationships through Christ (Sooo many and each one I cherish in their own separate ways.)
  2. Online Bible Studies through Proverbs 31 Ministries (I live for these. When one ends I literally don’t know what to do with myself. I’ve been emerging myself in other studies during the lull in time of starting the next.)
  3. Music (Worship to be exact and the hardcore kind. I LOVE hard rock. In all forms, see above, negative influence.)
  4. Social Media (My way to the friends I’ve made in Christ and through a wonderful congregation)
  5. Writing (This helps so much therapeutically and helps me organize the millions of thoughts that run through this mind, daily. This goes for outside of this blog too, I love writing ol’ fashioned pen and paper style. I have a fox journal I keep with me AT ALL TIMES. Helps with DID, tremendously.)
  6. My Son (He makes me want to be the best Mom and woman in the world. I want to be a spot of positivity in his life and know that you ALWAYS fight for what means the most to you in this life.)
  7. My Family (See. Lots in both categories. Right now, my Mom and Dad are my biggest supporters, weirdly enough. It’s weird the way life goes full circle sometimes in desperate times of need.)
  8. Scripture (It’s helping me realize the truths I have been so blinded by and refused to listen and understand. It has always been there to help me and now I’m finally taking advantage of all the Lord has given to me.)
  9. Rekindled Friendships (I’ve rekindled some important people in my life from school. Ones that are worth fighting for to have in my life. One in particular that I want to explore the rest of my life with to be quite honest. I’m just so thankful to have some people back in my life.)
  10. Reading (Expanding my mind to all the possibilities and little ways to get caught up in another world all together. Let my mind wander and be playful.)
  11. My Hardships (Again, referring to the majority of the addictions in my life. They were my greatest weaknesses and now some of my greatest strengths I’ve ever worked through and continue to work through.)
  12. Dissociative Identity Disorder (This one I struggled to figure out if this should go in both categories or not. Here’s how we see it, we are all one body and everything we’ve been through has always been together and it’s a beautiful sense of who we’ve become. I am so thankful for my protectors, persecutors, gate keepers, little comforters, trauma holders, emotionally sensitive protectors, library key holders, fictives, animal alters, and every single one that I’ve yet to discover or ever be able to meet. I know we strategically all have a place in this system and it runs smoothly, or as smoothly as we possibly can.)

That reminds me of something that Justin Peters, a respectable minister, said. This is from memory, but it was something along the lines of everything is strategically placed and works in an exact order under the ruling of our Lord that if something were to be out of place, we would all vaporize. I really like the way he says that. Vaporize. I feel like our internal system has a place and a way in which it works and if something were thrown off, the mind would completely vaporize, not knowing how to function properly and become a HUGE problem in itself. That’s just my opinion on the matter at hand. Nobody knows me like, well, US. That made me laugh.

That was really refreshing to be able to write down some positive and negatives. This is just a tiny list in all honesty, but it’s the ones that weight heavy on our minds a lot. Makes you think, doesn’t? -Lyle/Autumn