Late Night Love Letters

Just two separate nights months apart, but somehow you always find a way to make my heart sing for you in the wee hours of the morning, You.

I’m so awake it’s crazy and my thoughts are running rampant through my mind. I’m laying here and thinking I guess I’ve got some time to let out know how much you mean to me and all my mates. I’m like your very own Tinder that you can swipe right for all the dates. It’s so loud in here and if I look out I can see above the crowd who keep on screaming at the top of their lungs what you are all about. The way you stroke the hair on your chin when you are lost deep in thought. Or when you’d stare at me typing away on my laptop. The comfort I feel when I’m with you is one that could never be replaced. Even if I’d love to sit upon that mouth and muffle your face. I’m strangely fond of a strap on and hope one day you’ll let me strike your fancy. Because baby I’m kinky and not all of us are prissy girl nancies. You make me feel so many different ways I can hardly keep my head on straight. It’s a good thing you’ve got strong arms in case I decided to hyperventilate. The safety you provide was never what my mind had in store. To find the one I can be vulnerable I’d ask for nothing more. It’s funny how my mind becomes wired and never tired of you running through my head. As long as I’m the one when you are done cuddled up inside my bed. Until that day I guess it’s true what they say about a heart. It grows fonder, only stronger until you and I won’t ever have to part. Sweet Dreams my Love.

I can’t help but think of all the obstacles I’ve had to overcome to get to you. How life’s choices took me down a path that would eventually lead me right into your secured arms wrapped ever so snug around my being. The tense feeling of emotions running rampant through my mind and the electric shock sent through my system that you bring. It’s made me feel the most alive I’ve felt in a long time. In the end it was always you, my final destination on this dusty and bumpy dirt road. One I’ve become all too familiar with, mud sloshed and tread on. To come upon a smooth surface throws me off balance and I swerve to straighten my path, the one that belongs to you. The courses I’ve took, the side hustles I’ve presented, and dings just goes to show the story I’ve possessed without you. I’m strong and beautifully broken, a restoration you can’t resist. Make me purr so much stronger, vibrating my love creating a rumble so fierce that gunshots couldn’t come close to the sounds I confess that is my love for you. Of all the choices I’ve made one is certainly clear and it’s blatantly graced upon me, a shot in the dark worth taking. Never mistaking, you my dear. Sweet dreams.

Torn to Transgressions

Today I stand torn. My feelings are torn and it infuriates me to no end. The more I go down this path of righteousness the more I am starting to see where all my sins fall. I am aware of the wrong I am doing in my life and it makes me want to correct it to the best of my abilities. It makes me wonder if I could truly possess a relationship that is yoked. I feel like God has been opening my eyes to the hurt, anger, negativity of this world. They are coming in forms of so called “friends” who are showing their colors when I speak up on my beliefs.

It truly saddens me and it makes me want to defend my Father more and more without care of who does or doesn’t stay in my life. I’m getting to that point. I’m starting to rely more on His word and what HE thinks of me, not anyone else. I even felt guilt and shame when I was talking to You. That never happens but today it unfortunately did. The feeling in the pit of my stomach gurgled the uncleanliness of my heart’s desires. These worldly wants that do not matter in the end. I felt confused, anger, sick, and it would be one of the greatest punishments to myself through God to make me end it. I am so torn and my heart disgusts me now. The awful things that it wants, the sexual acts it wants to commit, handling my anxieties in the wrong ways. I am finding comfort in my sin and it’s starting to take a toll on my faith journey.

I am realizing I want to go down the path and follow Jesus. Drop what I know, my comforts, the things I hold dearest that I think are good, and just follow. I know we can never truly be without sin, but it makes me want to be the closest I can to it and repent every single day of my life. I want to live a life more like Christ now than ever before and it’s the one thing that brings me complete happiness anymore. When I am sitting down in His word, watching wonderful ministers preach about the gospel and help people weed out the false teachers, I feel good. It’s almost a spiritual high I find myself on. I want to stand up and help those who are lost, turning towards false prophecy, and lead them away from the prosperity bible. It’s so sad.

Does it not say in Jude Chapter one what the false teachers do, stand for, all that are not in which is the way Christ wants you to live. Woe for them that went the way of Cain because he wanted God to love and understand him under his provisions. Not the Father’s. Greed. Pure greed. Clouds Without Water. I do implore you check out Justin Peters seminar. I believe it’s a 3 parter but I’m telling you, it’s wonderful. I attended a live seminar of his and Andrew Rappaport’s called, Snatch Them From The Flames. It is an 8 hour seminar with breaks, but again, worth every single minute of it. It gives the distinct differences between the Gospel and the Prosperity Gospel.

My Mom bought us both a Journaling Bible, ESV copy, and it has margin on the sides to write down things that come to mind, or really stick out. I am extremely excited to get to work on that. The more information, the more knowledge, the theological side, absolutely every side I want to know more of. I am completely thirsty for the truth and I will study it every day until I can be Home.

Proverbs 31 Ministries is hosting a bible study through our First 5 app on the book of Galatians: How Jesus Invites Us to Live Free, starting June 15th if anyone is interested. There is a book that goes with it you can purchase, but it’s just as well questions to ask yourself during the reading. The real good stuff is in the written word itself. They have a daily devotional to go with the scripture you are reading. I live for these things. While we are on the bandwagon of joining things, we do have our Hidden Potential by Wendy Pope starting on June 22nd. It runs until July 31st. We normally do 6-week studies every couple months. This is an all women’s online ministry for those who are interested or need a place to go to learn more.

I am just so honored that my life could feel this way, for my mind to transform in the ways that it has. I feel there has been a veil lifted from in front of my eyes and there is beauty in the truth. You don’t have to go far to get it either, there’s a book and it’ll tell you everything. It’s just sad when it says something in it that means we can’t have our way and people turn from it. That’s the worldly want, the ugly truth. It’s hard when people argue which way is the right way, when it’s in writing. When I get backed into a corner for sharing what I truly believe in, well I’m sorry for your worldly explanations, but mine is not of the world. Just saying.

I would die for the truth and I can say that with complete sincerity because I know what comes next for me. Certainty through Christ alone is such a glorious thing. The mercy, grace, and love that is shown is absolutely worth every bit of my life that I owe to Him. I feel confident in a very unconfident body and I’m trying to change that about myself. My transgressions always get the best of me in times of weakness and that’s for the like of all mankind. There’s one that sees me through all of that and the only one I want to live my life for now. I know now that if I am going to proclaim and lay it all down before Him, I better make good on my word, as hard and heartbreaking as that may be. I’m almost shocked with these realizations I so boldly place onto this page because I never thought I’d have enough strength to proclaim that Jesus Christ in my Lord and Savior and I’ll do my best to live an “I Can” life as long as all of me will let me.

God Calling

I don’t even know where to begin here. I have so many emotions running through me that I literally don’t know what to do with them. I keep sitting here, staring off wondering what do I do next? I decided to try and write it out but I feel so spacey. I also feel really good, I’m on a mental high of positivity that negates the fact there was a negative beforehand today.

But his answer was: “My grace is all you need, for my power is greatest when you are weak.” I am most happy, then, to be proud of my weaknesses, in order to feel the protection of Christ’s power over me.” -2 Corinthians 12:9 (GNT)

This was the verse I found when I asked God to help me through my husband, yet again, losing his job to drinking. It wasn’t the news I wanted to hear this morning a half hour before my important phone call with the ministry, but there it was. A fresh slap to the face and bringing me back to the realities that is our life. I knew when he called what he was about to tell me. He’s lucky he got away with skipping work a couple days in a row for three months because of his binges. This time he wasn’t so lucky. There’s nothing I could do or say that would make the situation go any other way, so I didn’t. I let him know the level of disappointment but no shock towards the fact this has been happening for two years now. What else am I supposed to say? It’s been said over and over again and the fact he DOES NOT want to change for our son or me just goes to show where his priorities lie. Alcohol.

I reached out to God and my mentor for comfort before my call because that’s where I decided to turn to. It hasn’t failed me yet and I don’t think it ever will. He wants us to come to Him first and I’m still finding my way to Him in times of desperation and uncertainty. My mentor said a lovely prayer over me and shared a verse specifically for me in the scenario I’m in.

But in the depths of my heart I truly know
that you, Yahweh, have become my Shield;
You take me and surround me with yourself.
Your glory covers me continually.
You lift high my head when I bow low in shame.
I have cried out to you, Yahweh, from your holy presence.
You send me a Father’s help.
Pause in his presence

So now I’ll lie down and sleep like a baby—
then I’ll awake in safety, for you surround me with your glory.

Even though dark powers prowl around me,
I won’t be afraid.
” -Psalm 3:3-6 (TPT)

As expected, on 1 o’clock on the dot I received my call from a lovely lady named Tracy. She is one of the training coordinators for Proverbs 31 Ministries. Luckily I get to be in her little group while I go through my first study as a new leader. She only had such sweet and amazing things to say. Her encouragement and infliction of excitement in her voice only made mine grow. I could feel it well up deep within and start to overflow as she spoke each word. It made me feel like I am meant for so much, more than I could imagine. God spoke through her and God-willing, I found the words to respond with without sounding shook.

I’m so over the moon about the path I am being placed on. I know that working with them through everything I am about to go through is exactly where I need to be. I will be healing through the Lord, the exact way I should’ve been from the beginning of all my messy and fractured life. I am so honored for the calling he has placed upon my life. It makes me feel so much hope and grateful attitude towards it all. I was trained by the best of the best and I can feel so much about to come from all of it. Papa, look at me now. Did you ever think your granddaughter could follow in your footsteps? Become the woman I knew you always saw in me. Can I live on in this life and be as honorable and as mentionable as you? I see your gentle hand outreached and guiding me to this life you knew I had in me and I’m so loved. You have always been my guardian angel and I hold that truth to this day.

Lord,

Thank you for the opportunities you’ve placed before me today. Thank you for showing me that I am accepted and am right where I need to be. In the present with you. I no longer need to put my “what ifs” before you because “what is” can only be see through You, the true I Am. Please keep Eddie and I safe as we begin this new journey and moving back down to Florida. I only want what is best for us both and that means all the world that you’ve shown me things I only dreamt of. You’re my strength in my weakest moments, my protector when all comes crashing down, and my light in the darkest of times. You are my Savior, Foundation, and Creator. I thank you for every bit of your presence in my life. In Your Holy Name I Pray,

Amen.

Manic Flow

I’m back baby, in full swing, and full control. Man does it feel good to be out and living life like I just don’t give a fuck. What!? I need to calm down but I’m so excited that I can’t hardly stand it. You want to know what over? NOTHING. Yea. You read that right, over nothing. I am fueled for life and I’m not going to give up what I got going on.

So I was thinking, maybe we just do a little bloggy blog about some random ass pictures from my phone and things I find amusing on the interwebs. Sounds fun to me.

No photo description available.
We all know where this is going. Baby, you a THICC SNACK!
Because this happens ALL the damn time!
Oh so true. I found it all in Yooouuuuu. ❤
Yaaaassssssssss
Every time. Never fails.
Isn’t this always the case? Always got some funny shit to say. I find enjoyment in it. You gotta laugh at yourself sometimes….er…alters laugh at you sometime? Eh..
Blaze, Crymson, Clover, Sukura, Packs!!! Y’alls ears perk up yet?!
That’s the truth. Some things can not be said out loud. We would get in some shit. haha
Too funny not to pass up. I can’t wait for Daddy to be laying next to me. Mmmhmm.
That’s one of the most sexy of things you could say. Hehehe.
Sterling’s Warning. Hands down!
THIS IS EVERY BIT TRUE OF ME. I LOVE THIS. NOTHING MORE ACCURATE THAT I’VE FOUND!!

I know this is VERY outta character, but well, this is exactly who I am and I’m not ashamed. When someone wants to be out here then they are. This is Autumn by the way, this is me while I am out completely, no co-conscious. I am still a teenager, I’ll never age up so I don’t really know what else to say about that. I am not sorry for being full of loveable and fun energy. Oh yea, you heard that right. Haha

So I’ve got this cute little YouTube playlist I’ve made called, “Spazzy Happy Playlist.” I absolutely love it. All of that good closeted for your listening pleasure. I am so pumped and really nothing to talk about I just really wanted to be out here and start typing away. I may usually be the one typing the words, but so much of the time it’s just not my words or my feelings and it’s so weird. Not going to lie. I love me so much. I wish Betsy could understand how much she is loved in this life. She needs to be happy more, life is just way better this way.

Oh it is SOOOOO one of these nights! Jumping up and down on the bed air guitar style. Ugh. I love being out!! I feel good and I just want to like have a sleepover again. I only wish it didn’t have to be inner sleepovers, I mean don’t get me wrong, those are fun too. I was able to talk to Emily today and I LOVE LOVE LOVE her so so much. She was my best friend in High School and she so totally is now. It’s always like unreal when we have a conversation because all the memories of times together, SLEEPOVERS hehehe, and long walks to get a bite to eat. We have had so many adventures in our little teenage lives.

I remember when we got drunk for the first time on New Year’s Eve and I went up to her and go, “I think I want to kiss you…” She laughed and I laughed and we just fell down and talked about what? No clue. We’ve always had like an Ivy, Harley type relationship and that’s an awesome one to have in my opinion. Quinn agrees with me, I see her shaking her head. HAHA. Omg.. This is too much fun. I wish we could go back to that night. Kristin sitting in the corner eating out of a huge bag of chips because she is having a panic attack from being buzzed. Poor girl. haha. I spent that night with all them and one of my first very abusive boyfriends. I was 16 at the time and he was 24 and an alcoholic no less. It’s all good though. I only became stronger from you, so thanks for that!

Oh oh, I love this song…don’t laugh…

I told you, NO LAUGHING. I am seriously in a mood and it’s one I don’t get that often. Man. Okay, what else. What else. Uhmmmmmmmm. So Betsy is totally crushing on a high school friend and she keeps calling him “You” because she is afraid to say his name. Oh man, she’s going to hate me for this one. Don’t be surprised if this is deleted later. She’ll forgive me. Anyway. This man. Let me tell you. He is one of the most amazing people. I was kinda friends with him in high school, we talked but like, in passing. We all hung out by the left side of the belltower. You know what? Best thing to ever walk into her life again. It was a surprise on all out parts because we lured him in and he took a bite and then BAM he took a HUGE bite right into her heart.

These two together are ADORABLE. They both deserve each other. They’ve both been handed the short end of the stick in life and now they are going to blow this world away. A total force to be reckoned with so. That’s what I’ve got to say about that.

Alright, one more music video BECAUSE THERE AIN’T NO PARTY LIKE AN S CLUB PARTAAAAYYYY! Hehehe

Alrighty ladies and gentlemen. That’s it for my appearance tonight. Shhhh, don’t tell Betsy or she might get mad at me later. I’m sure she’ll understand. I need my nights out too. PEACE Y’ALL! -Autumnally Manic!!

Negatives & Positives

Is there such thing as positive addictions? I mean, with a negative there is always a positive, or is there? I have been contemplating this as I was, again, talking to my mentor, let’s just face it. She is one of my best friends, no denying that one. One of the responses I had to her was, “Best friend addiction ever!” I absolutely meant those words. I would much rather be addicted in friendship, in moderation, than to be best friend addicted to a bottle of Tullamore Dew.

My personality is an addiction. A lot of people are addicted to it and sometimes I don’t know if that’s a good or bad thing. There are so many aspects to what makes us up. I mean, I almost have a different person for each situation you could ask for. Sometimes that feels weird to admit, but it’s the truth. My mind is vast and we are many, that’s for sure.

Hmm. Let’s list some negative addictions that I know this body possess.

Negative Influences

  1. Alcoholism (Ever since I was 15, altho I drank way earlier than that. I felt the warm buzzing sensation and I knew it would speak trouble later in my life.)
  2. Cocaine (This was a good 3 year thing, what a craptastic time in my life.)
  3. Benzos & Opioids (Originally used for good became too much of a good thing.)
  4. Sexual Desires (I was super young when sexual involvement started playing a role in our life. There’s a lot of suppressed memories we just can not go into on here.)
  5. Drama (Fighting, arguing, disagreements, sometimes physical violence)
  6. Any type of negative behavior (I guess I find adrenaline in sin, who doesn’t?)
  7. Eating Disorder (I don’t let myself eat regularly, it’s becoming a problem.)
  8. Sleep Deprivation (Yes, this negatively affects me)
  9. Thrill-seeking (Don’t get me started…)
  10. Music (Some music I listen to bring out the thrill-seeker, naughty girl I can be.)
  11. Social Media (I can say I have addictive qualities about constant wanting to be in the know. I’m working hard on this one. It’s hard when your job is being in FB groups and other social sites.)
  12. My Family (A lot of childhood trauma, no need for explanation.)

Positive Influences

  1. Relationships through Christ (Sooo many and each one I cherish in their own separate ways.)
  2. Online Bible Studies through Proverbs 31 Ministries (I live for these. When one ends I literally don’t know what to do with myself. I’ve been emerging myself in other studies during the lull in time of starting the next.)
  3. Music (Worship to be exact and the hardcore kind. I LOVE hard rock. In all forms, see above, negative influence.)
  4. Social Media (My way to the friends I’ve made in Christ and through a wonderful congregation)
  5. Writing (This helps so much therapeutically and helps me organize the millions of thoughts that run through this mind, daily. This goes for outside of this blog too, I love writing ol’ fashioned pen and paper style. I have a fox journal I keep with me AT ALL TIMES. Helps with DID, tremendously.)
  6. My Son (He makes me want to be the best Mom and woman in the world. I want to be a spot of positivity in his life and know that you ALWAYS fight for what means the most to you in this life.)
  7. My Family (See. Lots in both categories. Right now, my Mom and Dad are my biggest supporters, weirdly enough. It’s weird the way life goes full circle sometimes in desperate times of need.)
  8. Scripture (It’s helping me realize the truths I have been so blinded by and refused to listen and understand. It has always been there to help me and now I’m finally taking advantage of all the Lord has given to me.)
  9. Rekindled Friendships (I’ve rekindled some important people in my life from school. Ones that are worth fighting for to have in my life. One in particular that I want to explore the rest of my life with to be quite honest. I’m just so thankful to have some people back in my life.)
  10. Reading (Expanding my mind to all the possibilities and little ways to get caught up in another world all together. Let my mind wander and be playful.)
  11. My Hardships (Again, referring to the majority of the addictions in my life. They were my greatest weaknesses and now some of my greatest strengths I’ve ever worked through and continue to work through.)
  12. Dissociative Identity Disorder (This one I struggled to figure out if this should go in both categories or not. Here’s how we see it, we are all one body and everything we’ve been through has always been together and it’s a beautiful sense of who we’ve become. I am so thankful for my protectors, persecutors, gate keepers, little comforters, trauma holders, emotionally sensitive protectors, library key holders, fictives, animal alters, and every single one that I’ve yet to discover or ever be able to meet. I know we strategically all have a place in this system and it runs smoothly, or as smoothly as we possibly can.)

That reminds me of something that Justin Peters, a respectable minister, said. This is from memory, but it was something along the lines of everything is strategically placed and works in an exact order under the ruling of our Lord that if something were to be out of place, we would all vaporize. I really like the way he says that. Vaporize. I feel like our internal system has a place and a way in which it works and if something were thrown off, the mind would completely vaporize, not knowing how to function properly and become a HUGE problem in itself. That’s just my opinion on the matter at hand. Nobody knows me like, well, US. That made me laugh.

That was really refreshing to be able to write down some positive and negatives. This is just a tiny list in all honesty, but it’s the ones that weight heavy on our minds a lot. Makes you think, doesn’t? -Lyle/Autumn

Fears and Frailties

Lord,

I place my full trust in you for the plans you have for me in P31 Ministries. I think you’ve got something beautiful to unfold before me and now I’m excited. I am also going to place my fears of the future through whatever I may go through. Your will be done.

Amen.

“Just like Moses, when I let go of what I knew and was comfortable with, God showed off, and has continued to show off. Holding on to comfortable would have kept me from seeing God’s greatest work in my life.” Wendy Pope (Can relate girl…)

What has God revealed to you about fear? What has He shown you about your particular fears?

God has revealed that I am more than qualified to be exactly as I am in the position I’ve been given in this ministry. Sometimes you just need little reminders and a story about an amazing leader to figure it out. It’s incredible what the power of prayer and asking God to open your eyes can do. He’s awe inspiring and such an awesome Father. God has also shown me where I need to be in this season of my life. Not only for me but for Eddie and Mom. He has taken me from a really bad situation in my marriage and continues to show me what my outcome can be if I go back. I’m not willing to sacrifice my life to the bottle anymore. It was my comfort for far too long. I love my new comforts. Going to God, reading scripture, studies, music, writing, being with Eddie. This tastes so much sweeter than the bitter taste of alcohol, panic attacks, illness, and constant fear of my actions. I was letting fear rule my life and I never want that again. The comfort I’ve come to appreciate completely negates the need for one more shot. God has shown me who in my life I can trust to keep me safe. He does, my family, my head mates, and yes, even You, my sweet darling. I need to appreciate the fact that God is doing everything to keep Eddie and I together and I know I shouldn’t have to fear the outcome. Things are happening in the exact order and time needed as His plan continues forward in my life. I no longer need to worry about Eddie getting to the doctor and signed up for school. It will get done. I can remember that God will help me through the ideas and have the strength to get everything in order. I need to stop panicking and always remember to bring my anxious heart, mind, soul, to Him because He cares for me. He’d never put me in a position where Eddie wasn’t my main focus. I’m learning to be the best version of the woman I knew, know, and love. I have to love myself and everything that comes along with being me. I thank God every day for letting me come to these realizations. His love for me is undeniable and true. I’m so lucky to be the daughter of the one true King. The one who will always hold me close in times of fear and always calm my insecurities.

“It often takes us getting to the ‘end of ourselves’ living with our frailty to open our hands and let go of that frailty. God sometimes makes us hit an all-time low of struggling in our frailties so that we can surrender them and see what He can do with them.”Wendy Pope (Preach it!)

Last night I was actually about to admit defeat to this book, Hidden Potential, by Wendy Pope. I was having the hardest time trying to relate or find some sort of resemblance of my life in her work. This morning I asked God, “Please open my eyes to what you are trying to show me.” I started back at it and the chapter on What God Can Do Through My Fears is what hit the head on the nail. I stopped a page after I asked Him to just please show me I’m not failing and that there is something meaningful about this. I never would have thought I could relate to Moses as much as I did when I was done reading that. He kept doubting the abilities and hidden potentials God placed in his life to bring the Israelites out of Egypt after he ran from there so long ago. God used his fears and frailties to his advantage. He made him strong in his many weaknesses and promised Moses he would be there every step of the way. Much like how I’m feeling with the things in my life. My weaknesses are being used by this ministry and are becoming my biggest strengths that I can finally lift up and share.

Even in His anger when I doubt, think I’m not good enough, or I just couldn’t possibly be the woman he wants, he shows his compassion and just side. “The very thing (failure, fear, frailty, or fault) we hold on to will be the very thing God uses in our life to display His power.” There’s no denying that stated opinion. I’m witnessing it every day and it’s becoming clearer to me the path he is directing me down.

So, the prayer I recited up there is the exact one I said after I read for the day. Ten minutes later I get a message from my mentor with just the words, “Hey.” Alarm bells went off in my head because she is a very happy-go-lucky type gal and it just seemed very off. She had a serious question to ask and so I asked her what that was. She continued to say she is taking a different position within the ministry and wanted to know if I wanted to take over her group indefinitely.

Oh Lord, you mysterious and wondrous God. You bet your behind I would be honored and simply shocked to be considered. Thing is, I was her only choice because there was no one else she wanted more than for me to take her position. Mind you, this girl has been leading that group for years and years and that’s a lot to live up to. Her sweet spirit reassured me that the ladies already love me and have such a connection with me, and who better? I felt like it was a plan God had already in the works and I needed to find some clarity on my sureness of leading before he would let her ask me. The timing is absolutely everything. I needed to connect the dots he was generously lying before me and bring that offer to my plate. I wasn’t expecting any of this to happen and I am absolutely ecstatic.

These ah-ha moments are what I search for every day because they bring me the most enlightened feeling. I’ve been fighting depersonalization a pretty good bit after all of that. Nothing seems real and I’m wondering if anything really matters sometimes. How do these things just happen? My mind is floating around and I can’t seem to take grasp of reality when these things happen. All of this just means so much to me.

“Let us give thanks to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the merciful Father, the God from whom all help comes! He helps us in all our troubles, so that we are able to help others who have all kinds of troubles, using the same help that we ourselves have received from God.” -2 Corinthians 1:3-4 (GNT)

Can’t Get Into It

I’m having a real problem grasping onto the words of what this author is saying. It just all seems to run together and not stick to me at all. I am trying and every time I start to read I get lost. I can’t follow the words and they aren’t doing what I think was intended to be happening. This author hasn’t engaged this reader, AT ALL. You know, It’d be all fine and dandy…if it wasn’t for the fact that it’s the first book I’ll be leading a study about. I mean, talk about testing me Lord. You’re doing it. I’m not finding a connection, I’m picking it apart and not finding that excitement. It’s becoming really frustrating and upsetting. As I attempted to read through the second chapter, yea…second, but each chapter drags on so much that the content just loses itself.

I feel guilty for feeling this way and it pains me to feel like I’m not going to get enjoyment out of my first group of ladies. I noticed what I’m doing. “What if” this and “what if” that. I’m not asking the Lord to humble me and take my concerns into consideration. I’m assuming everything before it’s even happened. It makes me upset when I get through two pages at a time and at the end of it always asking myself, “Wait, what did I just read?” My mind drifts to other things… I mean, it could very well be my own mind being caught up on all the other difficulties of my life that haven’t even happened yet. Goodness I’m starting to bring myself down.

I haven’t had a problem with the majority of the material we’ve been given before, why did this one have to be a dud? Is this a test already? I mean, God, I haven’t even begun a group yet and I already am feeling like this isn’t for me. I was talking to my mentor today and we were talking about the way in which we work. She is very organized and plans ahead. She bullet journals, uses planners, and writes everything down. I, on the other hand, can be given a task and can do it on a whim. I can do it last minute and it’s golden. Always, every time. Is God telling me that because I’ve always been able to pull stuff out of my…well, you get where that was going… that I can do this too? Is he putting faith in me when I’m not equally putting my faith in him? I think I’m starting to see where I’m going with all this.

I notice when I’m having a problem and I begin to write it down that the questions I keep asking tend to find it’s own solution. This is why I like to be able to come here and jot down what weighs heavy on my heart. I wouldn’t be concerned if I didn’t care and LORD knows how much I care about the women I come in contact with in that congregation. I am a very caring person and my heart is big. I could just meet you and want the best for you at the same time.

Lord, I need to give these worries and concerns directly to you so you can show me where I need to place them. Where I need to put my effort and my cares. I know if I have you by my side that there won’t be a single thing I can not do. I may not be great but I’m better than if you weren’t with me. You know, I figured I’d feel somewhat better about all of this but I am truly being conflicted majorly by this. I feel like I should just pick the book back up and give it my hundredth try. Something just feels extremely off at the moment and I’m sure later on it’ll rear its head and present itself. It’s not me, I can feel you but I don’t know which one of you is having the problem. I think these feelings are being felt but aren’t applying to what I am even doing in the moment. I want to curse so bad but it would just contradict everything I’ve just spoken about.

My hands are shaking so bad and clenching into fists. I feel like punching a wall. I’m angry. What is going on? I’m confused now and dizzy. It’s too hard to write dissociated.

Power Of Prayer

Power of Prayer. There is some powerful stuff behind each dangerous or routine prayer we pray. I’m learning that there really is no right or wrong way to pray. What is felt led by your heart is where you begin. Even if it is,

“Our Father who art in heaven,
Hallowed be thy name.
Thy kingdom come,
Thy will be done,
On earth as it is in heaven
Give us this day our daily bread;
And forgive us our debts,
As we also have forgiven our debtors;
And lead us not into temptation,
But deliver us from evil.” -Matthew 6:9-13 (RSV)

You’d be surprised, there are some really good prayers in the Bible for each circumstance you may be facing. God didn’t do this thing halfheartedly. He is an all or nothing Father and his love is undeniable. He graciously walks with us through the valley of the shadow of death, He calms the storms of the seas, He heals the sick, and died for our sins. Devotion is his middle name. He devotes his entirety to us, his sons and daughters. He is Yahweh Jireh (The Lord will provide), he is El Shaddai (God Almighty), El Roi (God who sees), or even El Olam (The Everlasting God). He never leaves or forsakes us.

When we take time to sit and meditate in His word and give thankfulness to all He provides, it only brings glory to His name. Prayer is something I have always struggled with in my faith journey. I guess you could say I had “prayer jitters” because I always thought I was doing it wrong. Let me tell you, there is absolutely no wrong way to give it to God. My son always thanks God for his toys when he prays and it’s beautiful. He wants to be thankful in all he has.

I have taken hold of what speaks to my heart and I am finally giving it all to Him without worry of rejection. I know He will deliver exactly in the way he needs to. Whether it’s getting a job back because of unjust actions or being told it’s just not going to happen. He knows what the best outcome is for every single one. He has a direction and it could possibly be given another chance to show what was missing. Maybe He wants to take your life in a completely different direction and you finish up college and finally live up to your dream job. He doesn’t do the things he does without reason and it’s not to hurt us. He is showing us mercy. Who knows, maybe it wasn’t meant to be at that company, it could very well go even further down hill and the respect would just never be there. I promise you, precious child, He has a reason for every step in your life.

If it doesn’t go your way it’s not because you failed or He failed you, it’s because there is something better lined up for you in ways you could never imagine. I want you to take a moment, whatever you may be wanting to give to God and really meditate on it. He already knows your heart, He formed you before you were ever in your mother’s womb, He knows the desires you thirst for. He is all knowing. He will not forsake you in time of desperation. People tend to forget that. If He doesn’t feel present, you reach! Sometimes He wants you to come to Him in hopes that you will be willing to sacrifice your life to Him so he can continue to sacrifice for yours…

Lord,

Today I want to pray for all of those with hopes, needs, struggles, sickness, hardships, joys, calm, anxieties, and every other reason imaginable. I want to pray for my friends who read what I have to say and honestly enjoy what I share. Please, know their hearts. Let them be able to open themselves to you in ways they never knew they could. Be the light in the darkness when all hope seems gone. Place your love upon them and know they are never alone. Your omnipresence reigns true and there is absolutely no place they can go without you being right there. You’re as reliable as the air we breath, you are all around and everywhere in this life unto the next. Be a beacon of hope in the non believers and those who doubt. I thank you for all that you do and all that you are in my life.

Amen.

“When you know the truth, and live the truth, it changes everything.” -Proverbs 31 Ministries

Share Because We Care

There is something that I noticed recently that I do when I really appreciate someone. I send them a YouTube video of a song that reminds me of them when I listen to it. I’ve been doing it for so long but just now realized it. I used to do the same thing when I was little too. I’d be listening to a song on my Walkman and go back to the beginning of the song and drop one of my earbuds into my friend’s hand and we’d bob our head to the beat together. Recording songs from the radio that we knew was coming on the request line late at night.

Does anybody remember those 10 @ 10 request lines where people would call in and vote for the song and the most popular ones got played “late at night.” Man being in early teen years, that was everything. I grew up near Chicago and so I had the pleasure of tuning into Q101 with Mancow in the morning. So much of my life was based on the music I streamed through my ears. Loveline with Dr. Drew Pinsky was another guilty pleasure of mine to listen to. Far too advanced maturity for the young mind who was listening to it. I was introduced to a lot of things very early on in life which explains a lot of my life. My life could’ve been summed up by the title, “Manic Mind of the Sexual Furry Kind.” Man, wouldn’t that be a page turner.

I’m embarrassed by a lot of things that have happened to me in my life and so it is very hard to publicly relive it. I know a lot of people would probably look at me a whole lot differently. Shed some light on things you’d never thought I’m into or have participated in. Get your mind right, where are you going with this? I’m having a hard time concentrating again because I’m not sure who is floating around up there but it’s bringing out a very shady side and I can’t handle that at the moment.

Focus. Music. Chances are, if you receive a link to a song from me, there is a line of trust I’ve got with you. Hence, I’ve shared a song or two in my journal, I’m agreeing to a mutual line of respect to whatever reader comes in contact with me. I have a weak spot for sharing what sparks joy, triggers a memory, or helps me to ground when I’m having difficulty staying in the body. This all sounds so confusing when I read it back to myself. I’m still stuck in a rut of creativity and it’s triggering. I remember listening to angry music while I would drink and write in my Tumblr that I used as a journal at the time. I couldn’t find the words and with each drink I would take I’d let the spark die. The creative spark I crave so much now. This is just one of the things I have to cling to now that I have stopped finding ways to cope negatively. So that’s why a lot of my entries get thrown from one subject to the next. I’ve never given myself the chance to let my thoughts straighten themselves out.

This picture speaks volumes. This is how I feel all too often.