Mess Of A Mind

What is one failure that is hanging over you and holding you back from being the person God created you to be?

“There is plenty that is keeping me from this. Growing up I was never good enough. Still being proved to this day. I’ve felt shame my whole life. It drags me down every single day of my life. You know how hard it is to be positive for everyone but myself? To pretend to be alright when clearly I am not. I don’t know why I’m deserving of everything I’ve got. Why I’m even being put into a place of leadership. I’ve never amounted to much in this life, is this the grand plan? To wallow in self pity my whole life, wondering what could’ve been and what’s to become of me? I feel like I’m falling into a black hole and I don’t want the failures of my past to be the thing that holds me back from a decent future. This whole life is just one big joke, don’t you see that Bets? Why don’t you take a step back and see exactly what holding this all in is doing to you? You are screaming so loud on the inside that it’s frightening. You need to dig deep in all you do through God or you are going to miss your mark. Remember, dear, God is the only way to a life of ultimate protection, bliss. I shouldn’t let any failure hang over the woman I truly believe myself to be. Admitting defeat is one thing but falling to it is another. That’s the devil’s work and you can’t let him win. Stick to what you know, hold your head up high, and do this one life you’ve got the right way. YOUR FAILURES DO NOT DEFINE YOU! YOU HEAR ME? GOD IS THE ANSWER.” -Co-con Sterling

I don’t know what compelled me to write this out. For whatever reason I was told to go a head and share this. When I was writing this down in my book I could feel Sterling take over and just watch as he frantically and angrily wrote for me. The anger just radiating off of me and I started to feel myself get hot and uncomfortable. I am still feeling his anger, it is extremely overwhelming. All of this is pissing me off. How for some reason I can’t shake this horrible feeling I’ve had for over a week now. I don’t know what is going on with me or why I am feeling all of this so heavily right now.

Coming down to the wire of moving and knowing I’ll only be an hour from the man I can no longer think of romantically. He makes me feel sick to my stomach and I’m watching as he tries to make every little thing be about me and my fucked up self. I’m starting to get so damn mad about everything. How I pull back and freeze in difficult situations and how I just can’t speak up for myself, have a damn voice! He is a failure of mine I NEVER want to revisit in my life once everything is said and done. I want to black out that part of my life and move forward. The anger is becoming almost unbearable and it’s making my eyes sting and head pound. The music Sterling keeps playing is not helping and I feel it’s just fueling more anger.

It’s so difficult to be apart of a system and have someone so hurt so angry so undeserving of holding the traumas and emotions that he does. It isn’t fair, but life is not fair. God never said life would be fair. We need to be lucky that we don’t get what we absolutely do deserve, we’ve been shown mercy through the death of his Son. I need to come back to what I know, Sterling, you told me to come back to what we know. I know you hate these two words, but I need to beg and plead with you to please, Calm Down.

Remember what has happened in our past is just that, the past. I don’t know what I’m saying here or what point I’m trying to get across. I’m confused and I don’t know what I’m doing. I felt a whole bunch of adrenaline racing through my veins, it felt like a numbing feeling throughout my whole body and then it just stops. It’s back. I can feel when certain things trigger you and I’m sorry that’s the way it has to happen. To pull you back in. If there was a way around this, don’t you think I would do something about it? In a heartbeat. But this is the life we’ve been dealt and we have to learn to just accept it. It could’ve been way worse.

I’ve had enough. This’ll do for now. -Autumn/Co-con Sterling

Recap Before Nightcap

I’m pretty sure my run has come to an end. I have both extreme physical and mental exhaustion. The switches are becoming too much and I’m tired of wondering who is the one fronting. It’s been a confusing past couple days and I think my body is asking for a system shutdown for the night. By that I mean, all lights out. Not one staying up as soon as I’m out. No one deciding they need to watch one more show or read one more chapter. Everyone is going to cozy up and shut off the lights. This is much needed. If there is anything about the communication in our system, it’s if we are hitting the “does not compute” button, it’s time to shut it down.

I’m learning that if we are not all at a functioning capacity of the sorts, we are useless. It’s hard to form thoughts at this point. My sweet Autumn continues to yawn internally as we keep typing out the words we so desperately want to share with y’all. I guess we could give just a little recap of today’s adventures.

I was woken up at 9 am and told I was being volunteered to go to the store and get ready. So, first things first, didn’t have time for the morning cup of coffee. Mistake number one. That’s fuel for a lot of us. The second thing that popped into my head, I don’t want to go out. I’ve been at home since this whole thing started and absolutely did not want to go. It only proved true as my anxiety went through the roof when we went through the store. I was irritated, dodging panic attacks, and trying to manage a child who has been stir crazy for over a month. It didn’t help the checkout lane was moving slow as molasses.

When we got home I had to destress and take a seat on the couch next to Eddie and just watch cartoons with him. That seems to bring me a little bit of comfort and the littles like when we do that. I felt about that of a child at that point in time. To be honest, the rest of the day we were just packing up the house and filling up the trailer my Dad brought to get the first round of crap moved back down to Florida. We still have a month or so here but we need to start rounding it up. I have mixed feelings about all of this now. It’s all too hard to muster the energy to explain. This is draining enough.

Autumn, you are such a persistent woman, but you know what soothes your mind. It really is a relaxing way to end the day, I give you that.

This passion to pour myself out is rearing its lively little head but I am just about out of juice. My switches are becoming more frequent (this happens a lot when exhausted) and no one wants to stay up front. It’s time to decompress and destress. I am hoping that tonight will give us the much needed rest we’ve been lacking. I’d say that it’s been since about mid February since we’ve all decided it’s a complete “system night in.” My eyes keep going blurry and I can feel myself slipping a pretty good bit. This is where I leave y’all for tonight. -An Exhausted Fox Tales System

Impromptu Activities

I want to write so bad. I’m in such a mood and my thoughts are not forming properly through my spoken or written word today. Has that ever happened to you? I almost feel ignorant for not being able to explain myself. I’m having a couple conversations going through messenger and after I hit send, it doesn’t read right or sit well with me. Like, I could’ve said that differently so it made more sense or was more pertinent to the topic. I’m literally getting upset at myself right now because, what a craptastic way to start an entry.

I know what I’m going to do. The ABCs. Random question, random answer.

A – Attached or Single? I am attached before I’ve become single to become attached again. Does that make sense?

B – Band? At the moment, I’ve been jamming out to some Skillet. This song in particular.

C- Cake or Pie? Pie, Blueberry or Lemon Meringue mostly.

D- Day of Choice? Thursday. No clue why, always been my favorite of the week.

E – Essential Item? Pen

F- Favorite Color? Purple

G – Gummy Bears or Worms? Worms. Dirt pudding is where it’s at. Eddie could agree with me on that one.

H – Hometown? Dyer, Indiana

I – Indulgences? Salty snacks (beef jerky, nuts, chips), Music, Books, and Alone Time

J – January or July? July, my birthday is good ol’ 7/11.

K – Kids? One precious little 4-year-old, Eddie. Great day for the mini sprinkler pool.

L – Life isn’t complete without….? God.

M – Marriage Date? I was married on March 19th, 2016.

N – Number of Siblings? I have one beautiful sister, Hayley.

O – Oranges or Apples? Oranges. Eddie ate all the ones we had, I need to buy more. Good thing this question reminded me.

P – Phobias? Failure or being alone.

Q – Quote? “There is no dark side, nor a light side. There is only the Force. I will do what I must to keep the balance. The balance is what keeps me together. There is no good without evil, but evil must not be allowed to flourish. There is passion, yet peace. There is serenity, yet emotion. There is chaos, yet order. I am the wielder of the flame, the protector of balance. I am the holder of the torch, lighting the way. I am the keeper of the flame, soldier of balance. I am a guardian of balance. I am a Gray Jedi.” -The Gray Jedi Code

R – Reasons to Smile? I’ve got many. My son brings me great joy and watching him become the little man he is makes me smile. Being sent a heartfelt message makes me smile. Writing makes me smile. Working for the ministry makes me smile. Beautiful night skies with a full moon makes me smile. So much to smile at and find the joy in.

S – Season of Choice? I’m very end of Fall, beginning of Winter type of gal, myself. Cold enough for a hoodie but not freezing my behind off.

T – Time of the day? I believe I mentioned this in an entry way back. 9pm-3am are peak times.

U – Unknown Fact about Me? I absolutely love to play basketball. I played all through my childhood, teenage years. If there was an adult woman’s league, I’d sign up in a heartbeat. The new house we are moving to has basketball courts in the community. I am so ecstatic!

V – Vegetables? I’d choose veggies over fruit any day. I love broccoli, cauliflower, brussel sprouts, asparagus, mushrooms, onions, corn, and green beans. Honestly, I’m a big fan of most, I’m not sure I met a veggie I didn’t like. If I had my choice, those are the ones I’d go after first.

W – Worst habit? I have a bad habit of chewing the skin around my thumbs and my lips. To the point of drawing blood. It doesn’t hurt, it’s just annoying afterwards when it’s sensitive to the touch.

X- X-ray or Ultrasound? Ultrasound. It just reminds me of the ultrasounds I would get while pregnant with Eddie. ❤

Y – Your favorite food? I am a big fan of soups and wraps. I also love seafood.

Z – Zodiac sign? I am a Cancer Crab.

Well, this is not, in any way, I wanted the direction of today’s ramblings to go. Sometimes you just wing it, especially when my mind is that of a wet noodle. Hope you got some enjoyment out of my non-creative attempt to say something. I am going to regret posting this.

Listen To Yourself

Every time I begin to write I think to myself, “Do I have the allotted time to do such? Will Eddie need me or will there be any interruptions?” When I begin my thought process, if it gets disturbed I lose it. I’m lucky if I can sit right back down and continue on with that thought or what I even had envisioned for today’s ramblings. Looking up from the screen I’ve already come to the conclusion this may not have been the time to start such a post. Eddie seems pretty content watching Peter Pan. I keep catching myself getting lost in it myself. The song Wendy sings about your Mother always brings tears to my eyes.

Becoming a Mom and looking over at Eddie’s sweet cherubic face makes me overwhelmed with love. I never thought I was worthy of becoming one. I still don’t feel like I’m Mom material. It’s hard to battle with these type of thoughts. I don’t want him to ever think I’ve got my doubts but child, I’ve got many of them. Living here with my Mom and him having not only myself, but her, makes me feel like I’m not getting the bonding experience I should with my own son. It’s not because I don’t want to be here, I just don’t think we are properly forming a Mother, Son bond. I’m not sorry for this feeling, I have every right to feel this way.

I’m selfish in some of my ways, this I know to be true. It’s never something anyone wants to admit, but our hearts are ugly and full of self-want. Things consume us and we never want to be at fault for our earthly desires. No one is without this, so don’t think anyone gets away with it. I just want Eddie to know that I am doing what I can with what God’s given me. I feel about as useful as my Dad when I was growing up. If it didn’t interest him, it would never benefit us. So I would join him in the garage when he was working on his countless vintage cars because that is honestly my fondest memories with him. I am scared I am hiding away with my laptop in my corner feverishly typing away to understand where it went wrong in my childhood that I may very well be ignoring his.

I am full of so much doubt, my anxious heart, it always worries. I know I’m not supposed to let the anxieties of this life cloud my mind and I need to put a guard over my heart. I hear you loud and clear, Lord. Forgive me of my humanistic ways. I’m searching so desperately for your voice, the next step, and how I need to continue living my life. There are always lessons to be learned in the waiting. When I’ve been given a glimpse of response and then when it all goes silent again, it frightens me to the core. No one likes to feel alone as much as I isolate myself. I don’t want to continue doing this to myself.

How can we turn all of this around today? When I’m done with this entry, I want to devote the rest of my day to Eddie. I need to take a step back and realize where my priorities need to lie. I think I’m giving myself a bad rep when I know for a fact these lies I tell myself are just that, lies. I am a good Mom. I’ve been through a whole lot and it shows in the ways in which I apply myself. I won’t let the lies of lucifer cloud my mind, my judgements, the way I handle these situations. I can do anything through Christ, who gives me strength. Be my strength today because it’s all I’ve got. Tomorrow is not promised. I will choose you every day and live for the precious moments you so graciously place before me. Your mercies I can always count on.

Forbidden Fruit

You. Your scent. That irresistible, yet forbidden. Pressing hard into my memory, sustaining yet poisonous on so many levels. With each inhale of lust comes sin. Such a delicious sin and that sin is You. The extreme amount of pleasure I receive, each swirl of you that brings me to my knees. It grips onto my soul and squeezes until I can no longer breathe. I know the commandments in which I am breaking and I am so guilty. As I write these words I feel hesitant to really accept them as a complete and true reality.

Your jacket I wrap myself in. The hood that covers my head and let’s me get lost in you when you’re so far away. You let me close my eyes, inhale deeply, and lose myself in everything I shouldn’t be made up of. Why would you be in my life if you weren’t meant to be? I am so confused where I’m being led and it’s your damn scent that keeps me crawling towards you on all fours. It captivates my mind. It puts me into a trance and boy, you’ve got your claws dug in deep.

That musk, when I lean into your arms and you hold me tight. I’m lost in you. Forbidden as you are. Your fruit is not mine and I’m not allowed to touch. I’m greedy and bite and taste you anyway. You open my mind to truths that I wasn’t supposed to see, things I was not supposed to know, but you let me anyway. Why are you my weakness? You tempt me and I fall victim to your call. I come running like your hurt, wounded, sick puppy. The fragrance you produce is as toxic as the bottle to my lips. I’m addicted yet again but it’s one I won’t let go.

Will I ever learn?

The W’s

I’m just going to come right out and say it, today has been fucking weird. I can’t settle my thoughts that make no sense. I have been confused. I have felt lost. Everything I write just doesn’t make sense to me. I feel like I’m at a creative loss. I don’t know the right words to say. I don’t feel like I am myself. I am honestly not sure who I am right now. I feel extremely depersonalized. I am dizzy from it all. I keep hearing someone reciting poetry in my head. They are trying to find the words to express to someone why I am sorry for not being talkative today. I feel like I owe it or that I should feel sorry because I’ve been having such an off day.

I feel numb but I also feel like crying. I feel like I am here for everyone else but paying no attention to myself. I almost feel robotic. I feel like I’ve been encouraging everyone but myself. I had to do an encouragement post for our small group today and at the moment I felt something, just a single moment I did. *Poof* It’s gone. Completely disappeared. Nothing right now makes any damn sense to me and it’s scary. I’ve read the Bible to look for answers, I’ve listened to worship music to see if I could find a tune that speaks to me. I’ve written for the small group, I’ve left comments, I even participated in my mentorship program but after the words were written I felt like they had lost all meaning.

I feel like a hypocrite right now and I keep feeling like I, myself, am leaving my body. My vision keeps making me dizzy as if I’m trying to take off but my body is planted limply on the bed. What is going on? Why am I feeling this way? Why can I not listen to my own words of inspiration, encouragement, reason, or hello, logic?! Something feels deeply off and I can’t put my finger on it. I don’t know if it’s a full on switch about to occur or someone is just trying to take the control from me. I have been depressed and down on myself and I keep begging for someone to please just make me manic. Take this pain away from me, release me from this misery. Something. Anything… Do y’all hear me?

My mind races for what feels like forever and then stops and I’m confused and I don’t know what to say next. Silence. I stop and there is silence and then it feels like my eyes are popping out of my sockets. Why is that? Are you just trying to ground me, keep me front stuck because frankly, I’m tired of this host business. Just let me in and let me rest so maybe I can come back out and have some reasoning about me. Maybe I can relax and sift through some memories in the library that need sorting out. Something to take me out of this role for now.

I feel fatigued and I’m literally tired of feeling tired. I can’t stand any of myself. None. I can honestly say I can’t stand me. You make me sick. I wish sometimes that I could just leave and not come back. What that’s supposed to mean, I’m honestly not sure. I just don’t want to be here. I don’t want to be in this body and I don’t want to feel like I have no meaning or purpose. I just want to know, how can I feel this so harshly and still be an okay Mom, daughter, friend, lover, leader, writer, influencer, or whatever else I may be? I want to just take a step back and reflect because these sporadic feelings are becoming too overwhelming right now.

This doesn’t feel like me. Where did I go? Who am I? What is this life and why can’t I get a sense of belonging right now?

Like Manna From Heaven

Every feeling is legitimate. Every feeling is also not a fact. We are so consumed with what we lack and we only see what we don’t have. The Lord should be my portion. We need to feed ourselves from the manna of the Lord. His portion is perfect. We need to be willing to recognize our own brokenness in order to receive God’s manna.

That’s just the takeaway I received from my bible study this afternoon. The truth is in His word. It’s so powerful to sit back and think how everything I hear, watch, learn, has something that pertains to what I am facing in my own daily trials. It’s the living word for a reason. Why do I take for granted everything he has placed in my life. Why do I always feel like, “Well if only we could just get back down to Florida I can get through my divorce. If only I could move forward in another relationship, the one I’ve pursued before I even got out of my last one. I need to get Eddie ready for school, well I’m messing that up because I’m already two months late for signups and I have no way of proof of residence in that area yet. I need to get him to the doctor, haven’t done that. I don’t know if I’m going to have it all together for him to start. What am I doing in this ministry? I’m losing my motivation so quickly as it came. Am I even worthy of being a disciple of the Lord and lead women to his word when I can’t even crack open the book when I need it the most? God WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?”

I am so afraid, I am so scared, and I’m trying to live in the future, not in the present. I’m presenting these feelings that are completely legit to have BUT these feelings are also not factual. I have no idea the outcome of any of these things because they have yet to happen. I need to stop doing that, I need to stop feeding the “Overthinking Monster.” If I don’t my days will only be consumed by thoughts that destroy me. That lead me to being a monster of a woman myself.

Here’s the thing, I’ve already recognized my own brokenness and I’ve accepted it, fully. Am I cuddling up with it instead of what the Lord is trying to provide to me to get me through this season of my life? What is ruling over my heart, actions, my decisions? If I take an honest step back and look, it’s the overthinking monster. It has a grip so deep in me that I’m revealing my scars and reliving moments that have come and long passed. I am not reaching out to God and taking the portion he is providing me for that day. I am giving up over things that haven’t happened and that I play out in my own mind.

He provides daily exactly what we need and I need to start taking from today than the portions of the days to come because what will I have when I get to them? Nothing. Worry. Pain. Countless hours already clocked and then wonder why I even worried at all. I look back at what I’ve worried about in the past and think, didn’t He get you through all of that? Look where you are at now. He’s asking you to be apart of something so much bigger than yourself and the problems that lie ahead. Bets, He’s got this. Always have, always will. What makes now any different than your entire life?!

I’m valid to have these feelings but they don’t provide the outcome. I need to remember this. Things will come in the time that they are given and for now I need to just sit back and let actual life happen. Not the fragmented pieces of fictional reality I’m trying to live. The manna has been served, it’s time to dig into all he has to provide for me. I need to stop going to the conclusions I’ve fed myself, to the people who don’t know either, and I need to turn all of this into my dangerous prayers that lead to God. He knows my heart. He knows it well. He shaped every bit of me and put my motives and my ambitions into place and He’s watching them unfold as I am. Thing is, I don’t know what the future holds.

“The Lord’s unfailing love and mercy still continue,
Fresh as the morning, as sure as the sunrise.
The Lord is all I have, and so in him I put my hope.” –Lamentations 3:22-24

My relationship with God is complicated. I know that I’ve become closer but I’m still full of questions and I still feel like I’m standoffish. I don’t want to call myself a flake, but I do it quite often in our time together. I almost brush off myself so I can get to others and their needs. Here as of late my problems and things that I take to heart have been coming up like word vomit and it’s making me feel guilt. It’s coming out to the wrong person and I don’t want to burden anyone with my own unacknowledgement of my feelings and hardships. Again, knowing where I need to take these to God and just don’t. I don’t know what I’m so afraid of, He isn’t here to watch me fail.

My soul-searching seems to be endless and I’ll be doing it for the rest of my life. I’ve come to that conclusion. I just hope there is patience in the waiting. I will never truly be exactly who anyone needs me to be, not even for myself. I guess that goes with being a human. We need a rewire, stat. I need to work on this part of myself, the one who doesn’t want to reach out in the right ways. I keep it so locked up inside that I’m becoming a danger to myself and it’s unacceptable.

Let me have today’s manna, Lord. I’m going to fulfill myself in your glories and recognize when I’m not living up to my potentials. I’m going to try and come to you first even when I don’t feel like I’m being heard or that you aren’t there. A lot of times I later realize that’s when you are there the most. When you are asking me to realize my brokenness that you are only trying to use for my benefit. I’m humbled to have gone through the trials of my life and I ask you to continue to give them to me because they make me think about what it truly means to be a woman in Christ.

Happy Mother’s Day?

Of course I have to ask in the form of a question. It seems like my whole life is a series of endless questions. Why does Mother’s Day have to be happy? Aren’t I entitled to feel whatever emotion I want to on this day? Besides joy there is heartache, sadness, and want. There is confusion and pressure of emotion that is weighing me down so hard today. I can literally feel it around my heart and my chest. It’s almost a disappointment type of feeling.

I’m not saying that I’m not grateful because I wouldn’t trade anything in this world for the blessing of my son. He is without a doubt my whole world outside of my heart. I am just not feeling today. I feel bad for wanting to cry instead of laugh. For wanting to cover my head with my blanket and just sleep for a while. I’m not sure what would help me at this point to recover from the emotions that are beating me down.

I feel so heavy, it hurts to even type at the moment but I have this urge to release whatever this is in hopes I can find a little bit of comfort in my day. I don’t think being in pain is helping either. I don’t want to come here to constantly complain but where else am I going to do it where I can just feel free? Free to feel how I want to and not conform to anyone else’s norm. Being an empath comes with a price, I greatly believe.

Mom is having a rough day herself. It’s the first one without her husband and technically only been a little over three months. I don’t blame her one bit for becoming defensive over such crazy statements. She shouldn’t have to feel happy either. When I watch her go from “happy” to in tears the next moment and then trying to pull herself out of it all over again. That’s what hurts the most. If I could take all her of hurt and pain away, I’d do it in an instant. She’s one of the most important people in my life, she gave life to me for Christ’s sake. What she has done and continues to do for me is only by a Mother’s love.

Thank you Mom for raising me the way in which you knew how. Alone. You were always the one there for me and you poured your heart and soul into Hayley and I. I witnessed it amongst all the other things going on around us in the process. I saw and heard it all. Children’s minds develop around it all and I can say you were never apart of the problem. I never want you to beat yourself up for the way I ended up. I know you feel that way sometimes and I want you to put those ideas to bed. I love you, Mom.

Eddie, thank you for being my healthy, smart, sensitive, sweet, and caring baby boy. You gave me the title of “Mom” and it has meant so much more than you’ll ever care to know. I am so much more than a word and you so much more than a son. You came into my life a blessing and God knew what he was doing when he placed you, specifically, in my life. I am forever grateful to raise you and be here for you through it all. You have so much love from your Nonnie too. She loves you with all her heart. You make me so proud to be a Mom and it delights my Mom so much. You are a piece of our little puzzle in this life. I love you, Eddie.

I needed this. I had to get through the underlying sadness to open up my heart to the glory of Motherhood. God has given me an important task in this life. I want to be a figure my son can look up to and realize that Momma isn’t playing when it comes to you. I think I’ve figured out my word. Blessed. Blessed Mother’s Day to every single Momma on this glorious God-given day.

The Moon From Concord

There’s something about the moon that speaks to me. The soft white aura that so graciously hovers around its edges as it sits full and lusciously in the sky. A spotlight for all to see, you won’t be lost for long. Primal instinct makes me want to lovingly howl to her. Proclaim my presence and let it be known. Sitting here I smell the sweet scent of jasmine as the breeze blows it playfully around my nose and whisps through my hair.

Oh Flower Moon, your name is so fitting. Spring brings hope of growth and romance. It’s a time to unlock such hidden potential we’ve yet to find. Your light, it gives me strength. Your energy flows through me as these delicate words fit perfectly on this page. I feel your beauty and it radiates off my soft porcelain skin. I feel elementally complete in all your calming and glorious pull that I long for each month.

Our pack, as soon as I lock eyes with you, they howl so deeply and longingly for you. The guttural synchronization of their symbolic sound is so pleasing to my ears. My fierce Blaze, playful Sukura, and somber Crymson. I feel like there is a fourth to my pack but I just haven’t been able to place you yet. Please let yourself be known to me, I will keep you safe sweet beast. The moon, you know her. You all do. She excites and awakens your spirits. Play for the moon is full my pups. Shout, howl, embrace your animalistic voices and fill the world of your joy.

Let your elegance dance in the shadows all around me and give me comfort and safety like you always have. This view is such a blessing in our life and it is a sight that could never be beat. Wherever you are I am here and I’m looking up at her too. As you lay your delicious brown eyes upon the soft white, remember my ocean blues are gazing upon it too. I can feel our connection as deep as the sea and she shakes the waves in our everlasting love. Can you see it? Close your eyes, picture the tide rolling in. You and me hand in hand, toes buried deep down in the sand. Let’s make this a reality as soon as we can see each other again.

Oh Milk Moon, let me drink you in fulfilling and nourishing as you are. Bring the peace I so desperately yearn for not a moment too soon. I want to just sit here, forever and suck up all of the majestic wonders you hold. I see the white rabbit snuggled up close to you waiting for its kiss goodnight. If only I was to receive your passion. Your lips brushed against my forehead once more. You’re so close and yet so far away. Distance will never be an issue when each night you so eagerly come back to me. Show yourself in all of your glory, whatever phase you may be in. I will gladly accept whatever you have to give.

It’s Cluttered In Here

I think it’s going to be mental health check in day. These past couple of days have been just a blur and in the “numb” category. I can also check off confused, nauseated, irritated, and lack of motivation. When I clicked to write an entry normally something flies up from the pages of my library but today just feels a little different. I feel unorganized and a little lost. There is something truly off inside but I haven’t been able to quite put my finger on it. I really don’t like when this happens. The creative switch gets turned off and I’m lost in the dark to try and find the damn thing. Tripping over my insecurities, faults, and flaws scattered about the concrete floors.

I put on some music that normally pumps me up to get me in the zone. Funny enough it’s always some band of Corey Taylor’s. I think we’ve come to that conclusion that besides pleasuring my eardrums he is performing my very own concert in my mind when I need to lose myself. It’s so funny what alters we create when we need it the most. He came forward at the end of Pop’s passing but he’s been with me since I was a teenager. Corey is what is known as a “fictive alter.” He helped me through some traumatic issues as a coping mechanism. His music brought me peace and let me dissociate to a state of contentment. So now I’ve got him chilling inside, an introject, and he does have a bit of an egotistical presence about him. Confidence, maybe, but he isn’t called The Great Big Mouth for nothing.

So here I am, sitting lazily back trying to gather myself and search myself to bring forth a hint of creativity. This being stuck thing isn’t my forte. I am loaded down with so much and when I can’t produce anything I wonder what is wrong with me. It goes silent inside and I feel lost. I’ve noticed before I go to sleep I have conversations with a group of headmates to kind of think about and work through what I’ve yet to process. I can see them all sitting up on stage in fold out metal chairs almost in a circle but curved to where they can see through my eyes. When I close them I can see them.

The other night I heard Sterling’s prayer and it was beautiful to witness and listen to. It was so genuine and heartfelt. I would’ve never thought to pray something like he did. He holds a lot of hate and anger through the trauma he has suffered to remember. I’ve never heard him proclaim to God that he needs help, he is struggling to hold in the anger and how it slips with no intent to hurt others. There is a lot of soul-searching going on and it makes me feel less alone on my search for a relationship with God. I fell asleep to his prayer as soon as it was over, I was out.

I had to sit and stop just then. I have no recollection of writing half of that out. It freaks me out when that happens. I literally just wrote that, how do I not remember doing that? This is what I’m talking about, when I’m in this kind of mood I become forgetful or dissociate or someone takes control while I’m spacing. It’s ridiculous. I almost feel like deleting this whole thing because it’s a load of crap. It makes no sense even when I continue to push through and make it become something. There are too many close to the front and it’s just becoming confusing again. Everything is cluttered and scattered and simple tasks aren’t making sense. Make it stop.

Hopefully everything straightens itself out soon, I’m not a fan of this me.