Fears and Frailties

Lord,

I place my full trust in you for the plans you have for me in P31 Ministries. I think you’ve got something beautiful to unfold before me and now I’m excited. I am also going to place my fears of the future through whatever I may go through. Your will be done.

Amen.

“Just like Moses, when I let go of what I knew and was comfortable with, God showed off, and has continued to show off. Holding on to comfortable would have kept me from seeing God’s greatest work in my life.” –Wendy Pope (Can relate girl…)

What has God revealed to you about fear? What has He shown you about your particular fears?

God has revealed that I am more than qualified to be exactly as I am in the position I’ve been given in this ministry. Sometimes you just need little reminders and a story about an amazing leader to figure it out. It’s incredible what the power of prayer and asking God to open your eyes can do. He’s awe inspiring and such an awesome Father. God has also shown me where I need to be in this season of my life. Not only for me but for Eddie and Mom. He has taken me from a really bad situation in my marriage and continues to show me what my outcome can be if I go back. I’m not willing to sacrifice my life to the bottle anymore. It was my comfort for far too long. I love my new comforts. Going to God, reading scripture, studies, music, writing, being with Eddie. This tastes so much sweeter than the bitter taste of alcohol, panic attacks, illness, and constant fear of my actions. I was letting fear rule my life and I never want that again. The comfort I’ve come to appreciate completely negates the need for one more shot. God has shown me who in my life I can trust to keep me safe. He does, my family, my head mates, and yes, even You, my sweet darling. I need to appreciate the fact that God is doing everything to keep Eddie and I together and I know I shouldn’t have to fear the outcome. Things are happening in the exact order and time needed as His plan continues forward in my life. I no longer need to worry about Eddie getting to the doctor and signed up for school. It will get done. I can remember that God will help me through the ideas and have the strength to get everything in order. I need to stop panicking and always remember to bring my anxious heart, mind, soul, to Him because He cares for me. He’d never put me in a position where Eddie wasn’t my main focus. I’m learning to be the best version of the woman I knew, know, and love. I have to love myself and everything that comes along with being me. I thank God every day for letting me come to these realizations. His love for me is undeniable and true. I’m so lucky to be the daughter of the one true King. The one who will always hold me close in times of fear and always calm my insecurities.

“It often takes us getting to the ‘end of ourselves’ living with our frailty to open our hands and let go of that frailty. God sometimes makes us hit an all-time low of struggling in our frailties so that we can surrender them and see what He can do with them.” –Wendy Pope (Preach it!)

Last night I was actually about to admit defeat to this book, Hidden Potential, by Wendy Pope. I was having the hardest time trying to relate or find some sort of resemblance of my life in her work. This morning I asked God, “Please open my eyes to what you are trying to show me.” I started back at it and the chapter on What God Can Do Through My Fears is what hit the head on the nail. I stopped a page after I asked Him to just please show me I’m not failing and that there is something meaningful about this. I never would have thought I could relate to Moses as much as I did when I was done reading that. He kept doubting the abilities and hidden potentials God placed in his life to bring the Israelites out of Egypt after he ran from there so long ago. God used his fears and frailties to his advantage. He made him strong in his many weaknesses and promised Moses he would be there every step of the way. Much like how I’m feeling with the things in my life. My weaknesses are being used by this ministry and are becoming my biggest strengths that I can finally lift up and share.

Even in His anger when I doubt, think I’m not good enough, or I just couldn’t possibly be the woman he wants, he shows his compassion and just side. “The very thing (failure, fear, frailty, or fault) we hold on to will be the very thing God uses in our life to display His power.” There’s no denying that stated opinion. I’m witnessing it every day and it’s becoming clearer to me the path he is directing me down.

So, the prayer I recited up there is the exact one I said after I read for the day. Ten minutes later I get a message from my mentor with just the words, “Hey.” Alarm bells went off in my head because she is a very happy-go-lucky type gal and it just seemed very off. She had a serious question to ask and so I asked her what that was. She continued to say she is taking a different position within the ministry and wanted to know if I wanted to take over her group indefinitely.

Oh Lord, you mysterious and wondrous God. You bet your behind I would be honored and simply shocked to be considered. Thing is, I was her only choice because there was no one else she wanted more than for me to take her position. Mind you, this girl has been leading that group for years and years and that’s a lot to live up to. Her sweet spirit reassured me that the ladies already love me and have such a connection with me, and who better? I felt like it was a plan God had already in the works and I needed to find some clarity on my sureness of leading before he would let her ask me. The timing is absolutely everything. I needed to connect the dots he was generously lying before me and bring that offer to my plate. I wasn’t expecting any of this to happen and I am absolutely ecstatic.

These ah-ha moments are what I search for every day because they bring me the most enlightened feeling. I’ve been fighting depersonalization a pretty good bit after all of that. Nothing seems real and I’m wondering if anything really matters sometimes. How do these things just happen? My mind is floating around and I can’t seem to take grasp of reality when these things happen. All of this just means so much to me.

“Let us give thanks to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the merciful Father, the God from whom all help comes! He helps us in all our troubles, so that we are able to help others who have all kinds of troubles, using the same help that we ourselves have received from God.” -2 Corinthians 1:3-4 (GNT)

Can’t Get Into It

I’m having a real problem grasping onto the words of what this author is saying. It just all seems to run together and not stick to me at all. I am trying and every time I start to read I get lost. I can’t follow the words and they aren’t doing what I think was intended to be happening. This author hasn’t engaged this reader, AT ALL. You know, It’d be all fine and dandy…if it wasn’t for the fact that it’s the first book I’ll be leading a study about. I mean, talk about testing me Lord. You’re doing it. I’m not finding a connection, I’m picking it apart and not finding that excitement. It’s becoming really frustrating and upsetting. As I attempted to read through the second chapter, yea…second, but each chapter drags on so much that the content just loses itself.

I feel guilty for feeling this way and it pains me to feel like I’m not going to get enjoyment out of my first group of ladies. I noticed what I’m doing. “What if” this and “what if” that. I’m not asking the Lord to humble me and take my concerns into consideration. I’m assuming everything before it’s even happened. It makes me upset when I get through two pages at a time and at the end of it always asking myself, “Wait, what did I just read?” My mind drifts to other things… I mean, it could very well be my own mind being caught up on all the other difficulties of my life that haven’t even happened yet. Goodness I’m starting to bring myself down.

I haven’t had a problem with the majority of the material we’ve been given before, why did this one have to be a dud? Is this a test already? I mean, God, I haven’t even begun a group yet and I already am feeling like this isn’t for me. I was talking to my mentor today and we were talking about the way in which we work. She is very organized and plans ahead. She bullet journals, uses planners, and writes everything down. I, on the other hand, can be given a task and can do it on a whim. I can do it last minute and it’s golden. Always, every time. Is God telling me that because I’ve always been able to pull stuff out of my…well, you get where that was going… that I can do this too? Is he putting faith in me when I’m not equally putting my faith in him? I think I’m starting to see where I’m going with all this.

I notice when I’m having a problem and I begin to write it down that the questions I keep asking tend to find it’s own solution. This is why I like to be able to come here and jot down what weighs heavy on my heart. I wouldn’t be concerned if I didn’t care and LORD knows how much I care about the women I come in contact with in that congregation. I am a very caring person and my heart is big. I could just meet you and want the best for you at the same time.

Lord, I need to give these worries and concerns directly to you so you can show me where I need to place them. Where I need to put my effort and my cares. I know if I have you by my side that there won’t be a single thing I can not do. I may not be great but I’m better than if you weren’t with me. You know, I figured I’d feel somewhat better about all of this but I am truly being conflicted majorly by this. I feel like I should just pick the book back up and give it my hundredth try. Something just feels extremely off at the moment and I’m sure later on it’ll rear its head and present itself. It’s not me, I can feel you but I don’t know which one of you is having the problem. I think these feelings are being felt but aren’t applying to what I am even doing in the moment. I want to curse so bad but it would just contradict everything I’ve just spoken about.

My hands are shaking so bad and clenching into fists. I feel like punching a wall. I’m angry. What is going on? I’m confused now and dizzy. It’s too hard to write dissociated.

Power Of Prayer

Power of Prayer. There is some powerful stuff behind each dangerous or routine prayer we pray. I’m learning that there really is no right or wrong way to pray. What is felt led by your heart is where you begin. Even if it is,

“Our Father who art in heaven,
Hallowed be thy name.
Thy kingdom come,
Thy will be done,
On earth as it is in heaven
Give us this day our daily bread;
And forgive us our debts,
As we also have forgiven our debtors;
And lead us not into temptation,
But deliver us from evil.” -Matthew 6:9-13 (RSV)

You’d be surprised, there are some really good prayers in the Bible for each circumstance you may be facing. God didn’t do this thing halfheartedly. He is an all or nothing Father and his love is undeniable. He graciously walks with us through the valley of the shadow of death, He calms the storms of the seas, He heals the sick, and died for our sins. Devotion is his middle name. He devotes his entirety to us, his sons and daughters. He is Yahweh Jireh (The Lord will provide), he is El Shaddai (God Almighty), El Roi (God who sees), or even El Olam (The Everlasting God). He never leaves or forsakes us.

When we take time to sit and meditate in His word and give thankfulness to all He provides, it only brings glory to His name. Prayer is something I have always struggled with in my faith journey. I guess you could say I had “prayer jitters” because I always thought I was doing it wrong. Let me tell you, there is absolutely no wrong way to give it to God. My son always thanks God for his toys when he prays and it’s beautiful. He wants to be thankful in all he has.

I have taken hold of what speaks to my heart and I am finally giving it all to Him without worry of rejection. I know He will deliver exactly in the way he needs to. Whether it’s getting a job back because of unjust actions or being told it’s just not going to happen. He knows what the best outcome is for every single one. He has a direction and it could possibly be given another chance to show what was missing. Maybe He wants to take your life in a completely different direction and you finish up college and finally live up to your dream job. He doesn’t do the things he does without reason and it’s not to hurt us. He is showing us mercy. Who knows, maybe it wasn’t meant to be at that company, it could very well go even further down hill and the respect would just never be there. I promise you, precious child, He has a reason for every step in your life.

If it doesn’t go your way it’s not because you failed or He failed you, it’s because there is something better lined up for you in ways you could never imagine. I want you to take a moment, whatever you may be wanting to give to God and really meditate on it. He already knows your heart, He formed you before you were ever in your mother’s womb, He knows the desires you thirst for. He is all knowing. He will not forsake you in time of desperation. People tend to forget that. If He doesn’t feel present, you reach! Sometimes He wants you to come to Him in hopes that you will be willing to sacrifice your life to Him so he can continue to sacrifice for yours…

Lord,

Today I want to pray for all of those with hopes, needs, struggles, sickness, hardships, joys, calm, anxieties, and every other reason imaginable. I want to pray for my friends who read what I have to say and honestly enjoy what I share. Please, know their hearts. Let them be able to open themselves to you in ways they never knew they could. Be the light in the darkness when all hope seems gone. Place your love upon them and know they are never alone. Your omnipresence reigns true and there is absolutely no place they can go without you being right there. You’re as reliable as the air we breath, you are all around and everywhere in this life unto the next. Be a beacon of hope in the non believers and those who doubt. I thank you for all that you do and all that you are in my life.

Amen.

“When you know the truth, and live the truth, it changes everything.” -Proverbs 31 Ministries

Share Because We Care

There is something that I noticed recently that I do when I really appreciate someone. I send them a YouTube video of a song that reminds me of them when I listen to it. I’ve been doing it for so long but just now realized it. I used to do the same thing when I was little too. I’d be listening to a song on my Walkman and go back to the beginning of the song and drop one of my earbuds into my friend’s hand and we’d bob our head to the beat together. Recording songs from the radio that we knew was coming on the request line late at night.

Does anybody remember those 10 @ 10 request lines where people would call in and vote for the song and the most popular ones got played “late at night.” Man being in early teen years, that was everything. I grew up near Chicago and so I had the pleasure of tuning into Q101 with Mancow in the morning. So much of my life was based on the music I streamed through my ears. Loveline with Dr. Drew Pinsky was another guilty pleasure of mine to listen to. Far too advanced maturity for the young mind who was listening to it. I was introduced to a lot of things very early on in life which explains a lot of my life. My life could’ve been summed up by the title, “Manic Mind of the Sexual Furry Kind.” Man, wouldn’t that be a page turner.

I’m embarrassed by a lot of things that have happened to me in my life and so it is very hard to publicly relive it. I know a lot of people would probably look at me a whole lot differently. Shed some light on things you’d never thought I’m into or have participated in. Get your mind right, where are you going with this? I’m having a hard time concentrating again because I’m not sure who is floating around up there but it’s bringing out a very shady side and I can’t handle that at the moment.

Focus. Music. Chances are, if you receive a link to a song from me, there is a line of trust I’ve got with you. Hence, I’ve shared a song or two in my journal, I’m agreeing to a mutual line of respect to whatever reader comes in contact with me. I have a weak spot for sharing what sparks joy, triggers a memory, or helps me to ground when I’m having difficulty staying in the body. This all sounds so confusing when I read it back to myself. I’m still stuck in a rut of creativity and it’s triggering. I remember listening to angry music while I would drink and write in my Tumblr that I used as a journal at the time. I couldn’t find the words and with each drink I would take I’d let the spark die. The creative spark I crave so much now. This is just one of the things I have to cling to now that I have stopped finding ways to cope negatively. So that’s why a lot of my entries get thrown from one subject to the next. I’ve never given myself the chance to let my thoughts straighten themselves out.

This picture speaks volumes. This is how I feel all too often.

Mess Of A Mind

What is one failure that is hanging over you and holding you back from being the person God created you to be?

“There is plenty that is keeping me from this. Growing up I was never good enough. Still being proved to this day. I’ve felt shame my whole life. It drags me down every single day of my life. You know how hard it is to be positive for everyone but myself? To pretend to be alright when clearly I am not. I don’t know why I’m deserving of everything I’ve got. Why I’m even being put into a place of leadership. I’ve never amounted to much in this life, is this the grand plan? To wallow in self pity my whole life, wondering what could’ve been and what’s to become of me? I feel like I’m falling into a black hole and I don’t want the failures of my past to be the thing that holds me back from a decent future. This whole life is just one big joke, don’t you see that Bets? Why don’t you take a step back and see exactly what holding this all in is doing to you? You are screaming so loud on the inside that it’s frightening. You need to dig deep in all you do through God or you are going to miss your mark. Remember, dear, God is the only way to a life of ultimate protection, bliss. I shouldn’t let any failure hang over the woman I truly believe myself to be. Admitting defeat is one thing but falling to it is another. That’s the devil’s work and you can’t let him win. Stick to what you know, hold your head up high, and do this one life you’ve got the right way. YOUR FAILURES DO NOT DEFINE YOU! YOU HEAR ME? GOD IS THE ANSWER.” -Co-con Sterling

I don’t know what compelled me to write this out. For whatever reason I was told to go a head and share this. When I was writing this down in my book I could feel Sterling take over and just watch as he frantically and angrily wrote for me. The anger just radiating off of me and I started to feel myself get hot and uncomfortable. I am still feeling his anger, it is extremely overwhelming. All of this is pissing me off. How for some reason I can’t shake this horrible feeling I’ve had for over a week now. I don’t know what is going on with me or why I am feeling all of this so heavily right now.

Coming down to the wire of moving and knowing I’ll only be an hour from the man I can no longer think of romantically. He makes me feel sick to my stomach and I’m watching as he tries to make every little thing be about me and my fucked up self. I’m starting to get so damn mad about everything. How I pull back and freeze in difficult situations and how I just can’t speak up for myself, have a damn voice! He is a failure of mine I NEVER want to revisit in my life once everything is said and done. I want to black out that part of my life and move forward. The anger is becoming almost unbearable and it’s making my eyes sting and head pound. The music Sterling keeps playing is not helping and I feel it’s just fueling more anger.

It’s so difficult to be apart of a system and have someone so hurt so angry so undeserving of holding the traumas and emotions that he does. It isn’t fair, but life is not fair. God never said life would be fair. We need to be lucky that we don’t get what we absolutely do deserve, we’ve been shown mercy through the death of his Son. I need to come back to what I know, Sterling, you told me to come back to what we know. I know you hate these two words, but I need to beg and plead with you to please, Calm Down.

Remember what has happened in our past is just that, the past. I don’t know what I’m saying here or what point I’m trying to get across. I’m confused and I don’t know what I’m doing. I felt a whole bunch of adrenaline racing through my veins, it felt like a numbing feeling throughout my whole body and then it just stops. It’s back. I can feel when certain things trigger you and I’m sorry that’s the way it has to happen. To pull you back in. If there was a way around this, don’t you think I would do something about it? In a heartbeat. But this is the life we’ve been dealt and we have to learn to just accept it. It could’ve been way worse.

I’ve had enough. This’ll do for now. -Autumn/Co-con Sterling

Recap Before Nightcap

I’m pretty sure my run has come to an end. I have both extreme physical and mental exhaustion. The switches are becoming too much and I’m tired of wondering who is the one fronting. It’s been a confusing past couple days and I think my body is asking for a system shutdown for the night. By that I mean, all lights out. Not one staying up as soon as I’m out. No one deciding they need to watch one more show or read one more chapter. Everyone is going to cozy up and shut off the lights. This is much needed. If there is anything about the communication in our system, it’s if we are hitting the “does not compute” button, it’s time to shut it down.

I’m learning that if we are not all at a functioning capacity of the sorts, we are useless. It’s hard to form thoughts at this point. My sweet Autumn continues to yawn internally as we keep typing out the words we so desperately want to share with y’all. I guess we could give just a little recap of today’s adventures.

I was woken up at 9 am and told I was being volunteered to go to the store and get ready. So, first things first, didn’t have time for the morning cup of coffee. Mistake number one. That’s fuel for a lot of us. The second thing that popped into my head, I don’t want to go out. I’ve been at home since this whole thing started and absolutely did not want to go. It only proved true as my anxiety went through the roof when we went through the store. I was irritated, dodging panic attacks, and trying to manage a child who has been stir crazy for over a month. It didn’t help the checkout lane was moving slow as molasses.

When we got home I had to destress and take a seat on the couch next to Eddie and just watch cartoons with him. That seems to bring me a little bit of comfort and the littles like when we do that. I felt about that of a child at that point in time. To be honest, the rest of the day we were just packing up the house and filling up the trailer my Dad brought to get the first round of crap moved back down to Florida. We still have a month or so here but we need to start rounding it up. I have mixed feelings about all of this now. It’s all too hard to muster the energy to explain. This is draining enough.

Autumn, you are such a persistent woman, but you know what soothes your mind. It really is a relaxing way to end the day, I give you that.

This passion to pour myself out is rearing its lively little head but I am just about out of juice. My switches are becoming more frequent (this happens a lot when exhausted) and no one wants to stay up front. It’s time to decompress and destress. I am hoping that tonight will give us the much needed rest we’ve been lacking. I’d say that it’s been since about mid February since we’ve all decided it’s a complete “system night in.” My eyes keep going blurry and I can feel myself slipping a pretty good bit. This is where I leave y’all for tonight. -An Exhausted Fox Tales System

Impromptu Activities

I want to write so bad. I’m in such a mood and my thoughts are not forming properly through my spoken or written word today. Has that ever happened to you? I almost feel ignorant for not being able to explain myself. I’m having a couple conversations going through messenger and after I hit send, it doesn’t read right or sit well with me. Like, I could’ve said that differently so it made more sense or was more pertinent to the topic. I’m literally getting upset at myself right now because, what a craptastic way to start an entry.

I know what I’m going to do. The ABCs. Random question, random answer.

A – Attached or Single? I am attached before I’ve become single to become attached again. Does that make sense?

B – Band? At the moment, I’ve been jamming out to some Skillet. This song in particular.

C- Cake or Pie? Pie, Blueberry or Lemon Meringue mostly.

D- Day of Choice? Thursday. No clue why, always been my favorite of the week.

E – Essential Item? Pen

F- Favorite Color? Purple

G – Gummy Bears or Worms? Worms. Dirt pudding is where it’s at. Eddie could agree with me on that one.

H – Hometown? Dyer, Indiana

I – Indulgences? Salty snacks (beef jerky, nuts, chips), Music, Books, and Alone Time

J – January or July? July, my birthday is good ol’ 7/11.

K – Kids? One precious little 4-year-old, Eddie. Great day for the mini sprinkler pool.

L – Life isn’t complete without….? God.

M – Marriage Date? I was married on March 19th, 2016.

N – Number of Siblings? I have one beautiful sister, Hayley.

O – Oranges or Apples? Oranges. Eddie ate all the ones we had, I need to buy more. Good thing this question reminded me.

P – Phobias? Failure or being alone.

Q – Quote? “There is no dark side, nor a light side. There is only the Force. I will do what I must to keep the balance. The balance is what keeps me together. There is no good without evil, but evil must not be allowed to flourish. There is passion, yet peace. There is serenity, yet emotion. There is chaos, yet order. I am the wielder of the flame, the protector of balance. I am the holder of the torch, lighting the way. I am the keeper of the flame, soldier of balance. I am a guardian of balance. I am a Gray Jedi.” -The Gray Jedi Code

R – Reasons to Smile? I’ve got many. My son brings me great joy and watching him become the little man he is makes me smile. Being sent a heartfelt message makes me smile. Writing makes me smile. Working for the ministry makes me smile. Beautiful night skies with a full moon makes me smile. So much to smile at and find the joy in.

S – Season of Choice? I’m very end of Fall, beginning of Winter type of gal, myself. Cold enough for a hoodie but not freezing my behind off.

T – Time of the day? I believe I mentioned this in an entry way back. 9pm-3am are peak times.

U – Unknown Fact about Me? I absolutely love to play basketball. I played all through my childhood, teenage years. If there was an adult woman’s league, I’d sign up in a heartbeat. The new house we are moving to has basketball courts in the community. I am so ecstatic!

V – Vegetables? I’d choose veggies over fruit any day. I love broccoli, cauliflower, brussel sprouts, asparagus, mushrooms, onions, corn, and green beans. Honestly, I’m a big fan of most, I’m not sure I met a veggie I didn’t like. If I had my choice, those are the ones I’d go after first.

W – Worst habit? I have a bad habit of chewing the skin around my thumbs and my lips. To the point of drawing blood. It doesn’t hurt, it’s just annoying afterwards when it’s sensitive to the touch.

X- X-ray or Ultrasound? Ultrasound. It just reminds me of the ultrasounds I would get while pregnant with Eddie. ❤

Y – Your favorite food? I am a big fan of soups and wraps. I also love seafood.

Z – Zodiac sign? I am a Cancer Crab.

Well, this is not, in any way, I wanted the direction of today’s ramblings to go. Sometimes you just wing it, especially when my mind is that of a wet noodle. Hope you got some enjoyment out of my non-creative attempt to say something. I am going to regret posting this.

Listen To Yourself

Every time I begin to write I think to myself, “Do I have the allotted time to do such? Will Eddie need me or will there be any interruptions?” When I begin my thought process, if it gets disturbed I lose it. I’m lucky if I can sit right back down and continue on with that thought or what I even had envisioned for today’s ramblings. Looking up from the screen I’ve already come to the conclusion this may not have been the time to start such a post. Eddie seems pretty content watching Peter Pan. I keep catching myself getting lost in it myself. The song Wendy sings about your Mother always brings tears to my eyes.

Becoming a Mom and looking over at Eddie’s sweet cherubic face makes me overwhelmed with love. I never thought I was worthy of becoming one. I still don’t feel like I’m Mom material. It’s hard to battle with these type of thoughts. I don’t want him to ever think I’ve got my doubts but child, I’ve got many of them. Living here with my Mom and him having not only myself, but her, makes me feel like I’m not getting the bonding experience I should with my own son. It’s not because I don’t want to be here, I just don’t think we are properly forming a Mother, Son bond. I’m not sorry for this feeling, I have every right to feel this way.

I’m selfish in some of my ways, this I know to be true. It’s never something anyone wants to admit, but our hearts are ugly and full of self-want. Things consume us and we never want to be at fault for our earthly desires. No one is without this, so don’t think anyone gets away with it. I just want Eddie to know that I am doing what I can with what God’s given me. I feel about as useful as my Dad when I was growing up. If it didn’t interest him, it would never benefit us. So I would join him in the garage when he was working on his countless vintage cars because that is honestly my fondest memories with him. I am scared I am hiding away with my laptop in my corner feverishly typing away to understand where it went wrong in my childhood that I may very well be ignoring his.

I am full of so much doubt, my anxious heart, it always worries. I know I’m not supposed to let the anxieties of this life cloud my mind and I need to put a guard over my heart. I hear you loud and clear, Lord. Forgive me of my humanistic ways. I’m searching so desperately for your voice, the next step, and how I need to continue living my life. There are always lessons to be learned in the waiting. When I’ve been given a glimpse of response and then when it all goes silent again, it frightens me to the core. No one likes to feel alone as much as I isolate myself. I don’t want to continue doing this to myself.

How can we turn all of this around today? When I’m done with this entry, I want to devote the rest of my day to Eddie. I need to take a step back and realize where my priorities need to lie. I think I’m giving myself a bad rep when I know for a fact these lies I tell myself are just that, lies. I am a good Mom. I’ve been through a whole lot and it shows in the ways in which I apply myself. I won’t let the lies of lucifer cloud my mind, my judgements, the way I handle these situations. I can do anything through Christ, who gives me strength. Be my strength today because it’s all I’ve got. Tomorrow is not promised. I will choose you every day and live for the precious moments you so graciously place before me. Your mercies I can always count on.

Forbidden Fruit

You. Your scent. That irresistible, yet forbidden. Pressing hard into my memory, sustaining yet poisonous on so many levels. With each inhale of lust comes sin. Such a delicious sin and that sin is You. The extreme amount of pleasure I receive, each swirl of you that brings me to my knees. It grips onto my soul and squeezes until I can no longer breathe. I know the commandments in which I am breaking and I am so guilty. As I write these words I feel hesitant to really accept them as a complete and true reality.

Your jacket I wrap myself in. The hood that covers my head and let’s me get lost in you when you’re so far away. You let me close my eyes, inhale deeply, and lose myself in everything I shouldn’t be made up of. Why would you be in my life if you weren’t meant to be? I am so confused where I’m being led and it’s your damn scent that keeps me crawling towards you on all fours. It captivates my mind. It puts me into a trance and boy, you’ve got your claws dug in deep.

That musk, when I lean into your arms and you hold me tight. I’m lost in you. Forbidden as you are. Your fruit is not mine and I’m not allowed to touch. I’m greedy and bite and taste you anyway. You open my mind to truths that I wasn’t supposed to see, things I was not supposed to know, but you let me anyway. Why are you my weakness? You tempt me and I fall victim to your call. I come running like your hurt, wounded, sick puppy. The fragrance you produce is as toxic as the bottle to my lips. I’m addicted yet again but it’s one I won’t let go.

Will I ever learn?