Most Thankful For?

November 30, 2020 Gratitude Scripture:

“Great is his faithfulness; his mercies begin afresh each morning.” -Lamentations 3:23

This scripture best describes what I am most thankful for, entirely. Each morning I wake up, I am renewed in the spirit, repented of my sins, and get to do it all over again. Everything I am, do, declare thanks for, it all starts with God. I am thankful for being special enough to be used for his Kingdom plans. There was no hesitation with this answer, how could I be thankful if I wasn’t a thought? The great I Am has given me a chance to shine and be his daughter, what an amazing gift to be given.

There’s No Place Like Home

I’m having a very strange and unusual day. I am having fibro flare ups and my dissociation is VERY bad today. The scriptures I’ve been coming across, the things subtle little signs are there, and it is giving me so much anxiety I feel like passing out. So I guess that there is no place like being home when I’m feeling this way. The home that I live in with Patrick on the weekends for now. Don’t get me wrong, I love my Eddie at my parent’s home, but do I feel like I have my own home yet? No. Just going to be honest. I feel the most at home when I’m around Eddie and when I’m around Patrick. It’s not selfish Bets, it’s how you feel.

I’ve been having trouble concentrating today and my mind keeps skipping around from topic to topic and I can’t stay on one thing it seems. My body wants to constantly move and I want to do things. Scary thought, but I feel like my body is on cocaine. No joke, same feeling, anxiety included. Shaking, jumpy, thoughts everywhere, want to clean… Yeah, that was a thing. So what am I supposed to be thankful for again today?

It says, “Something at Home.” Well, I mean, my life is at home. Both of them. My heart belongs in both places and the funny thing is, I don’t feel torn. I don’t feel like I’m having to choose between my husband and son. There is no choice. Eddie comes first. Patrick knows this. He is a real man. He isn’t selfish or want to see me fail. He’s only helped me to see worth and help me up when I’ve fallen so much in front of him already. I can’t deny I’ve asked him multiple times why he hasn’t left me yet. It’s those damn insecurities and demons coming back to haunt me and loosen my morals. Ugh.

I have no idea who is controlling the body today and it’s starting to kind of make me upset. I was talking with Lyle and Candace earlier but now I’m just not sure. I had a huge freak out and went into the bathroom and after I splashed myself with cold water it’s like everything changed. Sometimes I wonder if someone takes over so that I can relax and look normal? This disorder is so SO weird. I am thankful for the home my head mates have in my head because I don’t know what I’d do right now if they weren’t helping out. I didn’t want to move this morning so the motions were so robotic because they literally had to control my movements and help me get responses out to Patrick. That’s what I’m talking about, it’s like I go mute and some other voice speaks up and it comes out of my mouth like a loudspeaker. It catches me off guard because I’m not sure what will come out.

Whoever is with me is completely honest and feels super genuine. It’s got to be a protector of some sort because I do feel safe and like I’ll be okay today. I’m living in a world of safety that I’ve surrounded myself in and I don’t want to leave it. I know that I will be forced out of my comfort zone a lot in my life, but right now, I just need to feel good. Like nothing can touch me. I put on my full armor today because Lord knows that I need the help today.

I am thankful for a lot right now, especially this mental outlet. As much as I want to continue writing, I just can’t. I’m feeling panic again and it makes my thoughts go all over the place. I don’t want to say something I’d regret. Peace.

November 29, 2020 Gratitude Scripture:

“Every time I think of you, I give thanks to my GOD. Whenever I pray, I make my requests for all of you with joy, for you have been my partners in spreading the Good News about Christ from the time you first heard it until now.” -Philippians 1:3-5 (NLT)

Non-Refundable

You know those gifts that you have to truly commit to because there is no way you could refund it? Well, I’m pretty sure that I just invested in something that will cost me for the rest of my life and I’m honestly not worried about it in the least. Here…let me show you what I’m talking about.

Patrick and I at Hayley’s for Thanksgiving 2020

It comes with a lifetime of happiness, guaranteed. “You stole my heart, and you’re the one to blame.” You truly are the reason why I smile. I’ve invested my heart a long time ago in this, but my soul, well, it’s the final installment and it was the best investment I’ve ever decided to put any of myself towards. I will take you in my good days, my bad, my sick days, my healthy ones, my dissociated and switchy days, my co-conscious days (so every day is what I’m getting at), and every single one where I see and hear from you. Forever guaranteed. Eternally redeemed in so many ways that I can’t express this as well as I’d like to, but I think I’m not doing such a horrible job. I don’t care about the damage or the scars, I want it all the way it is. I’m partial to antiques anyway. They are beautiful and tell stories that some could never even imagine that has been through. It’s bringing it all together and finally being placed into the hands of the right person. That’s what I found in you, Patrick.

November 28th, 2020 Gratitude Scripture:

“Make a joyful noise to the LORD, all the earth! Serve the LORD with gladness! Come into his presence with singing! Know that the Lord, he is GOD! It is he who made us, and we are his; we are his people, and the sheep of his pasture. Enter his gates with Thanksgiving, and his courts with praise! Give thanks to him; bless his name! For the LORD is good; his steadfast love endures forever, and his faithfulness to all generations.” -Psalm 100: 1-5

Thanksgiving Recap

Look who finally decided to show face again, I can give you a running list of all the headmates who are crowded together this morning or just go through perspective one by one. My raver girl, Riley, is with me listening to ATB and DJ Tiesto bright and early this morning. All she is doing is sitting there nodding her head to the beat, so I doubt she will say anything. Yup, got a thumbs up.

Thanksgiving this year was more than I could’ve even imagined. Word of the day yesterday? Sober. I don’t remember the last time I was sober on a Turkey Day. That morning I woke up to my sweet son all cuddled up and snuggled under his snowman blanket. What a sight to see first thing in the morning. I was up around 5:45 because I could smell the coffee brewing. The night before I wanted to attempt setting the coffee pot to go off around 5:30 and it actually worked this time. It was a very pleasant smell to wake up to, if I do say so myself.

I stirred a little, hugged Patrick, and snuck out the door to grab myself a cup and greet Dad with a “Good morning.” I thoroughly enjoy getting up early now. I get so much more done. I took my steaming cup of goodness to my room and wrote out a Thanksgiving post for my small group and had some time with God. Writing scripture helps tremendously to start out the day on the right foot. To be able to look up and see Patrick snuggled up under my blanket and Morty laying on his feet really made me cheese. I thought, “This is the way my life will always be from now on.”

Around 8 am I tiptoed back over to Eddie and layed down to wait for his sweet smile to greet me. That’s exactly what I got. He flopped his whole body on me, dead weight, and goes, “Morning Mommy, I love you…” in his groggy little 5-year-old voice. It was sweeter than I could’ve ever imagined. We lay there for a little bit talking about our dreams and then he asked if Patrick was in my room. We made our way down the hallway and he goes, “Patrick, you’re here!” Talk about melt my heart. He was on my bed playing on his Switch and Eddie asked if I’d grab his Kindle to sit next to him and do his own thing.

A little while later I got Eddie dressed and him and Papa John proceeded to take the old truck over to my sister’s house. Eddie specifically requested to take the old truck, it was so cute. He definitely has a lot of my dad’s qualities and interests. I took my shower, made myself up, and premade the green bean casserole I make every year. Everyone has their own signature dish.

I packed up my things for my long weekend at Patrick’s and spent a little alone time with him before heading to my sissy’s. We ran by Dunkin, my obsession, and he got me a peppermint mocha iced latte. Totally hit the spot. Then we made our way.

When we got to Hayley’s, her fiance, Christos, and Dad were out in the garage doing their own manly thing. We went inside and was greeted by an excited Eddie running up to hug us and Hayley, beautiful as always, right behind him.

My Mom was slaving away in the kitchen, doing what she does best. I do say, she is an amazing cook, but whose Mother isn’t? Patrick contributed fudge on his behalf, which was sweet (literally). We took a seat in the living room and had wonderful conversation with everyone until Grandma Great and Pa Bear showed up. I love them so much and the conversations we all have together are fulfilling and memory-making, for sure. Bo Duke, their sweet black lab, was making his rounds sitting on our laps. You know, labs are total lap dogs. 😉

Hayley had her long table set nicely, name plates at each spot and a card to write what we were thankful for. It’s the part I love the most. You’d almost think Thanksgiving was my favorite holiday or something. Once the food was done we all grabbed our grub and sat at the table and said the prayer. Pa Bear did a wonderful job as always. He has a big booming voice and it always reminded me of a preacher. Eddie then made everyone fold their hands again and say his prayer. I love that boy so much. His love for God and his family is absolutely amazing to me. He truly is Papa Eddie reincarnated.

Bo Duke knew to sit by me as I kept feeding him bits of turkey. Patrick’s hand on my knee and Gram smiling sweetly at me. The food was wonderful and the conversation, plentiful. We went around the table at the end and read what we wrote on the cards. We had a ton of thankful for family, health, and the like. I was thankful for growth of all natures. Spiritually, mentally, and physically. God giving me a huge second chance and building my relationships old and new. Patrick said something that amazed me, and I watched Mom’s eyes light up and a smile cross everyone’s face. He was thankful for all the people in Eddie’s life that is taking care of him and to be with our family. It may seem small, but let me tell you, it’s HUGE.

After dinner Hayley, Eddie and myself decided to play old Playstation games. We started off with “Crash Bandicoot, Crash Team Racing.” We played a couple different tracks against each other and had a blast. We played a little Frogger, Parappa the Rapper, Cool Boarders 2, Lara Croft in the 1997 Tomb Raider (pointy boob edition), and WWF Smackdown! 2: Know Your Role. Of course I chose Chris Jericho and Hayley picked Scotty 2 Hotty. Jericho won, go figure. 😉 I used to play that game religiously.

Once the festivities were done we hugged them goodbye and thanked them for such a great first Thanksgiving in their new house. I was smiling from ear to ear when we left because I had a normal holiday, sober, with family, and the people who love and truly care about me, as I them.

We ended up going down the road to the “hell house” because I needed some important paperwork for my new job and to get my license reinstated. I found both, miraculously, in the same place. We grabbed a couple pictures of Eddie from the wall and bedroom, and my fox picture Mom and Chris got me for Christmas one year. It’s sentimental to me. I also grabbed a couple of other things that were meaningful and we left. It was strange being in there in the dark, using phone flashlights because the electricity had been off since August. I’m so glad I don’t have to worry about that house anymore. I honestly don’t want to get into the emotions I felt, the triggers I experienced, or the memories that kept popping up at the moment. I’m sure one day I will, but that day is not today. I just made sure to get what was most important and lock the door one last time. Goodbye Hell, you will NEVER be missed.

We came back to Patrick’s and watched The League because Lord knows, I love me some Nick Kroll. He is a guilty pleasure. I was still feeling a little funny and dissociated because the smell of the place was still lingering in my lungs. Patrick sprayed one of his shirts with his cologne for me to hold onto (one of my grounding scents) and grabbed my wolf blanket and put in next to my face to feel the soft safe feeling of comfort. We layed next to each other watching that show for a little while and then fell asleep.

Needless to say I had all sorts of dreams last night that were very telling and really shown me what I thought about everything. It was like I almost recapped and was shown what life went from to what it is now and how it’s going to transpire. I have premonition dreams all the time and it’s almost scary. My Gram is the same way. I’ve had quite a bit go exactly the way in which I dreamt it and makes me question everything a lot of times. God has some messages he needs to get across and they are heavy and prominent.

This morning when I woke up, the energy hit me and I could feel Billy being his sweet and productive self. It made me feel good because they knew the toll going over there last night had on me. Such sweet head mates. Lyle and Candace continue to check in, even when they don’t say anything, I know when they are there. Tracker is around and Sterling. I know he was present last night when he was getting pissed about all the liquor bags in the passenger seat of my car, which of course was unlocked for anybody to get in there. When I was in the garage getting my folders with paperwork he saw bottles and threw them across the pile of shit that built up over the years. I can also feel him very strongly right now because there was so much I was getting pissed about. Not today, I can’t. I want to have a good weekend. I need to calm down.

I’m about to work on my small group and a couple other things. I need to spend time with God today and fall deep into his word and just listen to what he whispers to me through it. My body feels like it needs a spiritual cleanse to dust off the demons that followed me back last night. It’s a strange feeling. Sadie is nowhere in sight. I can’t feel her and it makes me almost wish she went dormant, like I left her in that house for good. Closure from my past.

I hope everyone had a lovely Thanksgiving full of love and family. Until tomorrow, I’ll leave you with “scripture catch-up.”

November 25, 26, 27, 2020 Gratitude Scripture:

“And we know that for that those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.” -Romans 8:28

“I do not cease to give thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers,” -Ephesians 1:16

“First of all, then, I urge that supplications, prayers, intercessions, thanksgivings be made for all people,” -1 Timothy 2:1

Photograph

Now there are plenty of photos I’ve taken in my lifetime. There is one in particular that I just absolutely love and am so thankful I was able to snap before anybody moved.

❤ ❤ ❤

It was a night Patrick stayed over and in the morning Eddie wanted him to watch cartoons with him. It’s also the same day Eddie said those sweet little words, “I love you,” to him. I love them so much, it’s almost impossible to describe. I don’t want to live the rest of my life without them in it. Frank is pretty special too. He’s a sweet putty tat.

November 24th, 2020 Gratitude Scripture:

“For everything created by God is good, and nothing is to be rejected if it is received with thanksgiving.” -1 Timothy 4:4

This Joyous Feeling

Today I am so thankful for the feeling I get when I decorate for Christmas. My life really needed some extra joy this year, and what a better way than to put it all up early. The word, “Joy,” has been on my heart a whole lot lately and I just feel like it’s going to be the word for next year. As simple as the word is, it expresses so much of a feeling I haven’t felt in over a decade. It inspires me to seek it every day I wake up and it all starts with Jesus. That’s where my ultimate joy comes spilling out and trails me throughout my day. Sometimes it is easier said than done, but I am truly trying to be who God says I am.

Here are some decorations from around my room. Enjoy.

Doors to my room
I love the way the lights look!
My cozy daybed
JOY
Snowman
Christmas corner
I love this bag from Cracker Barrel
Decor
Penguins
Decor
Jesus ❤

I’m happy with the way everything turned out. It’s peaceful in here right now and I think I’m going to enjoy the silence before we pick up little man. ❤

November 23rd, 2020 Gratitude Scripture:

“Therefore, as you have received Christ Jesus the Lord, so walk in him, rooted and built up in him and established in faith, just as you were taught, abounding in thanksgiving.” -Colossians 2:6-7

Cultivate Worship

I am so thankful for this book, “Write the Word: Cultivate Worship,” by Lara Casey and the Cultivate What Matters Team. This is our next study through Proverbs 31. It has brought me closer to the Lord and opened my eyes up to some deep truths about myself. Writing scripture, gratitude, and meditating on what it means and how I’m feeling is right up my alley. I am extremely excited to get this study started.

November 22nd, 2020 Gratitude Scripture:

“Oh give thanks to the Lord; call upon his name; make known his deeds among the peoples!” -Psalm 105:1

Thankful for Fear?

Today’s prompt is something you are thankful for that is a disappointment or fear in your life. You’d think, “What would I possibly be thankful for that causes worry?” Well, I can actually answer that for myself as much as I felt confused.

I’m thankful for the disappointments of drug and alcohol addiction and the choices I’ve made in the past. I’m thankful for being fearful thinking I was going to die so SO many times. It’s made me feel the most alive I’ve ever felt. Going through every single bad thing, disappointment, fear… it’s only made me stronger. Being pushed to my final limits and meeting my alters and learning about being multiple was one of the biggest fears besides addiction I’ve ever had. They scared the straight into me two big times in my life. Both I was drunker than I’ve ever been and they weren’t about to have their life ended, let alone mine.

Thank God for the situations and hurdles we go through in this lifetime. It shows us where are weaknesses are and hopefully how to learn from them and avoid them as much as possible. I could sit here and name all the disappointing things about me, my guilty pleasures, fantasies, and sins I want to relive but have the decency to move towards the light, not from it. We all have our quirks, ticks, addictions, sins, temptations, and on and on. Being able to relate to others and work through it together is a blessing in itself. I’ve recently had my alcoholic friend come back into my life. She is now two weeks clean after being in the hospital because of it. I’m hoping this time it scared her straight enough. I will continue to be here for her as she is for me, regardless what happened in our past.

I actually talked to her the other day and she asked me where I’ve been. I told her that I was sorry, sometimes I get into my own head and pull away. She goes, “Yeah, don’t do that,” stern as all get out and it made me like snap into this reality that people really do care about me. I need to stop reverting back to negative coping mechanisms, that includes pulling away from people who truly do care. I was just so used to some extremely poker-faced people who seemed like they care when all they were trying to do was control because I was weak. I mentioned, “You have to understand where I’m coming from,” still, “Yeah, don’t do that.” I love that girl.

I went back and re-read a couple posts to fully understand how I wanted to go about this entry and I think I’ve done it justice for now.

November 21, 2020 Gratitude Scripture:

“I thank God whom I serve, as did my ancestors, with a clear conscience, as I remember you constantly in my prayers night and day.” -2 Timothy 1:3

Headmates

Today I want to appreciate how much my headmates mean to me. Without them I don’t think I would be alive to type this right now. Through the power of the Lord they have been given to me to help navigate a life that’s a little more complicated than a singlet could. I love being multiple.

I’m not going to lie, I think this morning I kind of tested Lyle a little. I can hear him say, “Ha..a little..try a lot.” It happens. Grace. lol There are so many times where it just feels unreal or like I’m just imagining these things. I sometimes wonder if I’m faking. I then make myself feel guilty and then usually shut my mind off. This morning I kind of had an attitude and said, “Well, What are you going to do? You aren’t going to control my body.” I was fighting getting up out of bed to take a bath this morning. Well, apparently Lyle wasn’t having it. It’s almost like my whole mood changed, my thinking, and I felt like a different person and it confused me. I jumped out of bed with the feeling of excitement in my chest and headed to the bathroom to take a bath.

As I was drawing the water I was trying to figure out who was so chipper as to get me up and going this morning. I finally started to feel a hint of who it might be and sure enough, it was Amber. She has an abundance of energy and is like the little engine that could. Always going. I heard her go, “There ya go, silly!” I felt happy again and just went with it.

Later on Tracker picked out a very cute plaid button up at Ross and I ended up getting that. It was one that had a cutesy little belt to go around it but he decided to throw a tank underneath, button up halfway, and tie the ends. It looks so much better this way. Mom suggested wearing it buttoned down long and leggings, but Tracker does not feel comfortable in anything but jeans and baggy or button up shirts. He knows how to make the body look cute when he wants.

Thanks Tracker 😉

I can feel his presence in the headspace as I’m typing this out. He is looking forward to spending time with Patrick. He’s my sweet southern boy among the others. I’ve got quite a little southern group inside that love bonfires on the weekends and beer. Good for them, I can’t stand beer. lol

Anyhoo. I’m going to close this out to spend time with the little feller before we head out. Have a great weekend y’all!

November 20th, 2020 Gratitude Scripture:

“When Daniel knew that the document had been signed, he went to his house where he had windows in his upper chamber open toward Jerusalem. He got down on his knees three times a day and prayed and gave thanks before his God, as he had done previously.” -Daniel 6:10

Cultivate Worship Group 110

Lord,

I can’t express how thankful I am to be leading such a wonderful group of women, most of whom I’ve never met. Proverbs 31 Ministries mean so much to me and I’m just amazingly blessed to be apart of such a wonderful congregation. For you, Lord, to give me the opportunity to lead in an all women’s ministry is beyond anything I could’ve ever dreamed of. The ultimate payout is the gifts of the Kingdom and making your Word known and spread across the world. It’s a privilege to hold such a high honor you’ve placed on my life.

I come to you and humbly ask that you please be with: Beth Kimbel, Cheryl Shaffer, Christina Bentheim, Jennifer Bunderle, Laurie Kenton, Lisa Mcelrath, Michelle Thompson, Tamara Skonseng, Annie Johnson, Brandee Felling, Elisabeth Post, Gina Lay, Raquel Wells, Sherry Hecard, and Susannah Seal. Bless them fully when they come to you each day to write the scripture you so desperately want to lay on their hearts. Let this be an experience that strengthens their relationship with you and really let them dig deep into their own hearts and emotions and express exactly what it is they need to release. Let their voices be heard and thoughts be organized in a thought-closet specifically created by You, our designer. Bless these women deeply with your wisdom and knowledge of a perfect life when we partner with you.

I ask that you please be with me as I find the words to write and the ideas to spring forth and touch these ladies lives. Please help me to be encouraging, helpful, and full of the holy spirit to calm their weary hearts. I ask that you fill me up so I can fill them up.

In Your Name I Pray,

Amen.

November 19th, 2020 Gratitude Scripture:

“Bless the LORD, O my soul, and all that is within me, bless his holy name! Bless the LORD, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits, who forgives all your iniquity, who heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit, who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy,” -Psalm 103:1-4