Thanksgiving Eve

Does anyone get excited as I do over Thanksgiving? As much as I want to say it’s been ruined, when I think about it, that’s not the case. We can all pin bad memories of tragic events to holidays but we can also cherish them for what they are and who is around us now. It doesn’t have to suck all the joy out of it.

This year Mom and I decided instead of doing Thanksgiving dinner, we are going to do breakfast. Two different casseroles — french toast and quiche. Our happiest memories have always taken place the morning of Thanksgiving as we traditionally watch The Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. I love the fact that we can carry on this tradition with my son and give him all the feels to grow up on.

I always think about Papa this time of year. This was his favorite holiday and not to mention his birthday. He was the father figure in my life growing up and it started my downward spiral when he passed in 2005. I was crushed, heartbroken, and looking for that familiar feeling of Godly compassion only he was capable of providing. My relationship with my dad just wasn’t ideal.

I’m trying to keep a positive spin on this year when things have felt impossible. Thank God it’s all possible through Christ and the strength he provides to make life manageable. I give all my thanks to Him for everything He’s ever done or provided to me.

I’m so thankful this will be another sober holiday. Normally we would kick off the week with a two-day pregame and then wonder why we didn’t quite remember the actual day or eating any of the food. I can’t help but think of those memories because it makes me thankful for what I do have now. No, we aren’t hosting or cooking, but I know it’ll be a sober small gathering that will be worth every minute.

AA has been going well for me. I’ve only been to two meetings so far, but the location of this one in an actual church is a blessing. I’ve done my fair share of meetings back when I didn’t take any of it seriously. Heck, I was drunk at them with my ex-husband every time. This time I feel the urge to work the program and am pretty sure I’ve found a sponsor. I’m excited to do this right and see the progress. I can already feel it when I’m there, the religious presence is completely enveloping the room the whole time. It gives me a desire to share, but I feel as if God is making me patiently wait until it’s the right time. The liquid courage in me in the past would share anything and everything because that’s how drunk me rolled.

It’s strange the mixed emotions I get when I go. The only reason is that I’m seeing it through sober eyes and a non-judgemental mind. It’s nice. I seriously thought this couldn’t be for me, but I think God has other plans. I’ll take it!

I hope everyone has a blessed Thanksgiving and a heart of gratitude for what you do have in this life. God bless.

Why work on me?

Why wouldn’t I work on myself? Working on myself and healing means I become stronger in spirit, in faith and can be more readily available for all the plans God has for me. Why is it so hard for me to find a starting point? I don’t know where to start. I feel like when I go to the inner library of my mind I just scan along the dusty books of my pain and past and blindly pick and choose what I think could be taken care of quickly. I believe that’s my problem, I want a quick fix.

I am afraid to take time and to actually feel what I’ve pushed down for so long and there is so much now that it feels impossible to even choose. It’s the way I am with books, I start one then buy another one, then pick up another one and go right back to the first one. My mind can’t just stay focused on one thing and work with it. I feel like it all has to be healed and made right, right now! I don’t want to feel broken or diseased or a burden. I’m realizing, even though I say I have, I’m not sincerely forgiving the one person that needs it the most, myself.

I can forgive and look past everyone and everything else but what I have said or done. I just stuff down what I’ve “forgiven” of myself and move on without truly forgiving myself. Why is that? Why can we forgive or point out flaws and give advice to others when we can’t do the same to ourselves? Admitting our problems or our own flaws is repulsive because it’s about us. We want to have control over so much that we don’t even realize when we are trying to access what we can’t control. Then wonder why things don’t play out to our standards or what “should be.”

I’m in my Bible daily trying to learn and to hear what the Lord has for me each day. One more piece is added to my puzzle and it clicks into place and then I can move on to the next. Again, not taking time to admire what I’ve already completed. I don’t sit back and really see what I’ve been through and what I’ve accomplished because I’m only concentrating on the next bad thing that happens. It’s like I go looking for it. Chaos ensues my life and sometimes I don’t know how to function without it. I’m not necessarily bored with my life, I just don’t want to deal with it, at all.

That’s when we look to others and things to find what we are missing. Trying to find happiness, contentment in objects or people. Thinking our happiness will come from that, when in fact, it’s far from the Truth. God. The simplest act of repenting and coming to the Father for redemption is so overlooked and it’s becoming such a problem. When something bad happens I normally don’t think, “God, what can you do to make this right?” It’s, “God, what can I do to make this right?”, when I know full well I can’t do anything without Him.

I look back to circumstances of my past and I would look to the bottle. That’s what will cure my ailments, right? I wouldn’t open my Bible and turn to His Truths, I would grab the keys and head to the nearest liquor store. I would drown myself and my problems in alcohol and pray I live another day. I’ve done what I’ve done to myself and that’s always the hardest part for people to admit. We want to blame, shame, and guilt others for our actions. Why can’t we just own up to our own faults and work through them?

I know that I’m asking myself all these questions because I can read it, I can physically see it on the page where I’m losing myself every time. It’s almost like I don’t want to believe a liquid could hurt me. Am I blaming the alcohol? Yes. I used it as a coping mechanism. I chose sin to hurt myself and others around me instead of God. The one true God who could’ve helped me all along. He still can. That I just realized.

I am not “too far gone.” I am exactly where He wants me to be, exactly what I need to be doing to move forward and live for Him. Without admitting my faults and asking forgiveness it will only settle within me and cause more hurt and destruction. I need to see all of the good He has placed in front of me. The people in my life. This brings me to this next section of questions.

What people does God have you around currently?

He has me around my family. He has me around my online church family. He has me around a therapist to seek mental stability. He has me around animals that comfort me. He has others that are suffering the same illness all around. Support groups. People of faith. He has me around Patrick who lacks faith but does everything else right. A missing piece to his puzzle. (Codependency: looking to other people’s problems to try and fix.) While helping myself I want to help others. I guess that’s a fault I’m going to have a long road ahead to work on. I guess I am a fixer. I want everything around me to flourish except me. How does that work?

Who do you live, work, and play with?

I live with Patrick during the week, my family, and my son on the weekends. I am always in contact with someone from the church even if it’s as simple as liking a post by one of the members. I work with people who have similar issues to mine and find comfort in working with dogs. I prefer the comfort of animals to people most times. Control. Can’t talk back, deciding what food they eat, what things they play with, and when we go for a walk. I play with sin. I play with temptations and things I know aren’t good for me. It’s more of a learned response to all of my feelings and emotions. Every reason is a reason to drink and every feeling is a reason to drink. Every action. All of it.

Where has God placed you?

He has placed me among people who love and care for me. That can help me through this healing process and NOT hurt me. He has given me scare and time to think among others who I didn’t think I belonged a part of to show me who I m not. He has placed me with people who bless my lives through Him because he loves and cares for me.

Where do you live, work, and interact with others?

I live with people who care about my well-being. I work with people who care about my well-being. I work with people who care about my relationship with God. I interact with people every day who just want to see me get better. Why can’t I see that for myself? I know what it is. I don’t see my healing as important. It’s “not that bad.” What is the definition of “not that bad?” Everyone would have a different response, a degree, and think it crazy others don’t see it that way.

How are these people and places shaping your calling?

They are helping me to see what I can’t. God is helping me to understand what I can not understand. I noticed in all of my responses I never truly named God as who I’m with, living with, working with. I think that just opened my eyes to something I’ve been blind to. I am not putting God first. He should’ve been the first response in every answer. See how easy it is to overlook the one thing that is above all else? He is the reason I am finding solutions. He is the reason I’m starving for knowledge, to know Him better than I know myself. As humans, we forget how easy it is to succumb to this world’s answers when we should be looking to otherworldly answers. I should be reaching higher, not of this world as it should be.

Lord, why is it so hard to come to you first? Is it because I’ve conditioned myself in all the wrong ways? Yes. I know. Finding comfort and security in the things and people that hurt me most. It’s a guilt and shame thing. I don’t feel deserving of my Father’s love. That’s so sad. I’m judging the relationship of people here on the relationship I have with God. I’m trying to bring him down to my standards, to my understanding when I should be looking towards His. Why is this so hard to comprehend? Why is this so hard to do daily? It’s like I reset and forget daily. If I don’t come to God, I go to sin. That’s not what I want for my life anymore. I want my first instinct to be, go to God in prayer, open my Bible and listen to what the Holy Spirit has to move me at that moment. I’m not taking the time to be still in the presence of the Lord and make decisions based on HIS timing. I focus on mine. I want all of this to change.

Lord, I want you to be the center and focus of my life. The answer to every problem. I want to take up my cross daily, follow you, and cast all of my anxieties on you because I can. My worries are so big and I am so small, but Lord, you are so big. You’ve overcome it all. I want this reminder daily. Every decision I mull over, I want to bring to you in prayer. I know my prayer life is stagnant and not the best. Sometimes when I pray I feel like I’m not doing it right or just going around and around in circles when you already know where I’m going with it. Then I feel guilty because I feel like I’m wasting your time when I know I’m not a waste of your time. You chose me. Why can’t I comprehend that one?

“Cast your burden on the Lord, and he will sustain you; he will never allow the righteous to be shaken. God, you will bring them down to the Pit of destruction; men of bloodshed and treachery will not live out half their days. But I will trust in you.” -Psalm 55: 22-23 CSB

Lord, I ask you, help me put all my burden onto your shoulders. Help me carry what I can not carry on my own. Help me to trust when I can’t trust myself or others. Let all of my trust be in You and for You. Show me your ways everlasting so I might live among you all the days of my life. I want this life made for me because of Your love for me. I don’t do the things I do because it’s what I want to do, it’s because it’s accessible and within reach. Help my unbelief. Help me put my trust in the things I cannot see. I want the glory and praise to go directly to you. I ask this in your name, Lord. Amen.

Psalm 116 on 11/6

I love the Lord because he hears my voice and my prayer for mercy. Because he bends down to listen, I will pray as long as I have breath! Death wrapped its ropes around me; the terrors of the grave overtook me. I saw only trouble and sorrow. Then I called on the name of the Lord: “Please, Lord, save me!” How kind the Lord is! How good he is! So merciful, this God of ours! The Lord protects those of childlike faith; I was facing death, and he saved me. Let my soul be at rest again, for the Lord has been good to me. He has saved me from death, my eyes from tears, my feet from stumbling. And so I walk in the Lord’s presence as I live here on earth! I believed in you, so I said, “I am deeply troubled, Lord.” In my anxiety, I cried out to you, “These people are all liars!” What can I offer the Lord for all he has done for me? I will lift up the cup of salvation and praise the Lord’s name for saving me. I will keep my promises to the Lord in the presence of his people. The Lord cares deeply when his loved ones die. O Lord, I am your servant; yes, I am your servant, born into your household; you have freed me from my chains. I will offer you a sacrifice of thanksgiving and call on the name of the Lord. I will fulfill my vows to the Lord in the presence of all his people — in the house of the Lord in the heart of Jerusalem. Praise the Lord!

Beautifully put, I couldn’t have said that better myself. Daily nudges are the best part of my day. I know when the Lord is speaking to me and where I need to turn my attention. He most definitely has my full attention. Every single time. He knows exactly what I need to hear, to meditate on. This relationship I have with the Father only grows more fruitful as I learn to work on my weaknesses with Him. I feel his warm embrace and can see the smile of contentment as I start to grasp what he has been trying to say to me all along. It’s a feeling like no other. Childlike faith keeps me filled with wonder, questions, and the urge to search and learn so much more. He gives that gift to me.

My intentions are good. This, I know. I just let the wrong things lead me, I worshiped the wrong things. I put my faith and trust into manmade objects and feelings that only hurt me. Surrendering to the LORD has been like a rebirth that I desperately needed all along. I don’t want for the things that only hurt me. I want for the things that bring me eternal life.

Simple. Good. Two people in my life have recently stated it this way — Mom and Patrick. The Lord uses those close to us, those we love, to show us His love. He is the ultimate “undercover boss.” I intentionally look for Him in everyone and everything I encounter and it’s a mind-blowing experience every time. I am so blessed in ways I never saw before. Lord, you’ve done so much for me in my life that I didn’t realize could be used for good. These are the life lessons that I needed to let you guide me through. Designed for only me.

My comfort comes from you, Lord. No matter what the situation is. I can’t express the gratitude I have for everything you’ve shown me thus far. I’m excited about all the rest. You make this life exciting and I can only imagine what it will be like when You live among us. A beautiful Heaven on earth. If these are the feelings I have now, the magnitude that they will increase would surely kill my flesh. (Thank God.) I am in this with You and through You and for You. Please show me what you want of me. I am your servant and you did save me from death, multiple times. The light has never been brighter in my circumstances until now. A defining moment in my life where everything is coming together and starting to make sense. Only You could provide.

I’m in awe of it all. Jaw-dropping awe. Thank you. I love you.

Brain Dump

It’s probably been about 2 months since I’ve “felt normal.” This physical sickness is so draining. My mental sickness — same. I’m filled with worry and I know I’m just exaggerating my emotions ten fold. Being a follower of God is not easy. He never said it would be. I should have one hundred percent certainty, right now, that everything is going to be okay. When deep down I know it will be… that’s when the insecurities fester the most.

Hi. If you don’t know me by now, my name is Betsy/Betsi (depending on the day), and I’m an alcoholic. Nothing good has ever come from that first drink. Ever. It’s sad how much we think “we’ve got this” when that’s never the case. That “liquid courage” is a L-I-E. You can fight me on that, say otherwise, but I’ve lived through it and am surprisingly still here. There are so many instances in my life where I should’ve been long gone.

My recent stupidity has thrown me into a whirlwind of anxiety, stress, hurt, confusion, sadness and wonder. Alcohol makes me the worst person in the world. I am exactly who I am trying not to be when I’m drinking. I say hurtful things, I make hurtful decisions and I end up in jail. Not kidding. Third times a charm? Not much of charm in my book.

I actually know the trigger this time and it’s the reason I’m not married anymore. Jonathan has this hold on me that I need to always take care of him. I need to tend to his emotions and actions. It’s called guilt and shame of the mistakes of my past. I now feel I owe it to him to drag myself right down with him because I am no better. It scares me. Plain and simple. How could I let someone or some situation hold so much power over my head that I end up on a cold hard floor of jail cell 55?

My actions is what caused it. I, myself, as many times as I tell myself, “I can handle my liquor”, I CAN NOT. It’s like putting a mouse in a cage and every time it goes for the cheese it gets a little shock. It looks so deliciously satisfying, might as well keep reaching for what I know will hurt me. Eventually, kill me.

I don’t want that to be my fate, but if I continue handling every emotion with a drink, it’s bound to happen. This all happened because I agreed to sign something to give him the rights to selling our (surprisingly not yet) foreclosed home. If that makes any sense.

I want to see him get better and make a life for himself, so I let myself fail to let this happen. By the way, after being harrassed by the lady trying to sell it, I’ve yet to sign anything and have blocked all contact from her. So I didn’t even go through with it before I let my emotions completely take control and start to drink. I even told myself before that first “relieving swig” this was going to be a bad idea. I really need to start listening to my gut feeling because this is the third time I knew something bad was going to happen.

I get lost in every single feeling I have pent up and never dealt with and then it becomes a choose your own adventure story from there. You take out all of your ugliness on those who love and care for you most, by the way. Something that can break every bit of your being from the inside out. I have forgiven myself, but have you truly forgiven me? To even accept that all those hours of tears and asking the Lord for forgiveness is so damn difficult. He forgave me the moment I asked for that forgiveness and moved on, I however, have not. Damn this flesh.

Labels. I’m “the bad daughter”, “victim”, or in my case, “the abuser”. Something of which I’ve only labeled others and NEVER myself. All along, I think I finally found out an ugly truth about myself, I am not who I thought I was. That or I have believed something for so long that I didn’t find it possible that I was deflecting my problems on everything and everyone else. It’s time to own my actions and choices.

Now, nothing bad happened. I was in such a drunken stupor that I pretended that I was the one being threatened and hurt because I was a coward and afraid of my own actions. I ended up in the back of a cop car because I chose to drink and take it out on someone who has only shown me love and affection. I am not a domestically violent person and never intend on being. It truly was a “huge misunderstanding”.

My body dropped limp to the ground because I didn’t want to go home. I wanted to stay and sober up and then discuss what it was that triggered this episode. My reasoning tends to go completely out the window and think that I’m being attacked when all anyone has ever done is try to help me. My trust issues are extremely bad. I can’t even trust myself, so, how do you think I can trust anyone else or even God for that matter. He is who I need to put all of my trust, hope and love into. Why is it so hard to realize that what happens in my life only makes my faith and relationship with Him stronger?

I needed those two days in a locked room with strangers to realize my priorities just weren’t align with what God wants for me now. I wasn’t putting my son first. I was obsessing over my relationship with my boyfriend. I have been putting my energy into the wrong things. I’ve almost quit the ministry a handful of times now because that’s “stressful”. The most stress relieving thing I’ve ever decided to do! This is what alcohol does to you.

I am a daughter of the King. This I know. I need to start acting like it because as much as I’m going to say (I completely lost my train of thought because a Chillhop video I was listening to on YouTube started gently saying, “Everything is going to be alright. Everything is going to be okay.”) This is what I’m talking about. The Lord knows what I need to hear and perfectly times every moment of our lives.

My fear is going back to jail or the court not dropping the charges even after it has been professed that it is absolutely NOT what he wants. This has nothing to do with my ex-husband and everything to do with my recently rung in new engagement. I asked this sweet man to marry me as I presented him with a ring. Two months and two fifths of vodka later, this is where we are at.

Guess what? He has been nothing but kind, sweet and caring towards me since this has happened. My parents bailed me out of another mistake, yet again. A drunken, mind-numbing mistake that should have never happened because I was being selfish and only looking out for my own needs and what I could get. This time it broke me all the way down to my core. This time, Lord, this lesson has stuck so sticky on my mind, not even Goo-Gone could get it off. (That stuff is wicked awesome…)

Alcohol has not only made me a two time DUI holder, but now, a domestic abuser. (No, I did not hurt him.) I know it sounds weird but I feel like if I’m to be honest, the most damage I did was mentally abuse the person I love. You know why? Because I am unhappy with myself and my choices and decisions in life so I felt the need to try and drag down his self-esteem with me. Woman of the freaking year.

Our love feels stronger. Lord, sometimes I am so confused by your plans but in the long run, they make so much sense. Cherishing everything I have in my life that comes from Him and to make me enjoy going grocery shopping and seeing the fresh produce that I know nourished my body is a gift. The warmth of a blanket covered in dog fur and allergies, that shows me that I am loved. I sacrifice my health because I love that damn dog and the Lord provided his comfort to me in these times of healing.

Healing. Yeah. I am going to be taking this very seriously. I could’ve royally screwed my whole life up. You know how? By untwisting the cap to a vodka bottle and downing the sweet liquid death inside. My sins are what they are and the temptations and urges are so strong, but my God is even stronger. He overcame these things. The last thing Jesus ever tasted was mulled wine from a hyssop branch. Then it was done.

“Jesus knew that his mission was now finished, and to fulfill Scripture he said, ‘I am thirsty.’ A jar of sour wine was sitting there, so they soaked a sponge in it, put it on a hyssop branch, and held it up to his lips. When Jesus had tasted it, he said, ‘It is finished!’ Then he bowed his head and gave up his spirit.” -John 19:28-30 NLT

Jesus has been trying to tell me for so long, “Put down the hyssop branch and stop drinking the poison, only death comes from it.” I hear you LOUD and CLEAR now. It took all of those decisions and actions to finally realize what I was worshipping and where I was putting my hope and trust. I was putting it into the drink. No more. I feel this cleanse about to take place and a feeling that it’s finally time to tell my story. The story that may help save the life of some other woman who never saw worth in herself, just in the shiny glimpse of that bottle. That light dulls, but the light of the Lord NEVER dims. This is the path I know I’ve been set upon and now it’s my duty to share it with the world.

Jesus. I’ve got you. Just as you have me. Amen.

How Not To Be Triggered

Easy.

Don’t think.

At all.

Think happy thoughts… What are those anyway?

Don’t think about Ikea. Don’t listen to any songs to remind you. Don’t think about where you work, Lord knows how close you are.

Shut it all off.

Pretend it’s all going to be okay.

So how, in some way, find out how to manage a panic attack.

Take his shirt out of the bag and hold it to your face, inhale deeply for three seconds and let the scent swirl through your head.

Remember it will be okay. The Lord has you safely in his arms. Safe. Never to feel the cold hard floor of a cell again.

Remember what’s like to be wrapped in his arms. The safest ones you’ve ever known.

Look in the mirror.

Ask yourself, “Why? Why did you do that to me? How could you do that to me? Huh, Bets… How could you hurt me when all I wanted was to love, be loved, and experience true happiness in my life for once.”

It’s your fault. Your demons are strong but Bets…your faith is even stronger.

He loves you.

Always will.

Calm down, steady your heart that beats passionately for his embrace. Remember his face. His lips… that kiss.

I’d die before I ever hurt anyone. Ever.

Completely shattered and broken to a point I’ve never known and all I want is the strength to come back from this hole I dug and threw myself in, bruised and battered.

Remember who you are.

The daughter of the King.

Write it all out to release the tension that stings the side of your head.

The stress of the unknown grips my chest. My heart beats for you. I will never give up.

Ever.

Sick.

I’ve been sick for over a month. Seriously. Extreme sinus pressure, sore throat, aching ears and body, fevers occasionally. Always tired, dizzy, and resorting back to nose spray because if I don’t, there is no clearing my passage way. This is miserable. No, it’s not Covid. Tested negative for that. So whatever THIS is, needs to GO.

So much pressure, my eyes feel like they are about to pop out of my head. I can feel my heartbeat in my teeth as they throb from all the sinus pressure. I’m constantly blowing my nose and coughing up drainage. (The nicest way I could put that). I feel the crackle in my lungs when I breathe deep and then a bark escapes my lips. It’s very guttural and cracked. Nothing has taken away all of the symptoms, but close enough for four hours relief if I just rely on Nyquil.

How come I never think about explaining it this way to my doctor? When I’m there I’m so short that it seems like I’m faking it. It’s like my brain fog makes its’ escape when it’s time to tell the doctor how I TRULY feel. My fear of it turning worse is pretty big. I’ve always been this way from a child. I would rather not know and just pass away then have to panic about an estimated date of my own death. That’s what part of the spectrum I’m on apparently. I’m perfectly okay with that.

I won’t be seeing my Eddie Spaghets this weekend because he is FINALLY back to his normal self and I just can’t bring this back to him. I feel we’ve been swapping this back and forth every weekend I’m with him. Time to take care of me and stop spreading anything harmful to my sweet baby. He was viral when we went to the doctor and I will catch any and everything as soon as it passes me by. My body is very responsive to trying to self-destruct itself. Inside, outside, I’m a real mess to take care of sometimes.

So my sweet man surprised me yesterday morning with these…

It’s a cross between “get well” and “anniversary” flowers. I don’t care what they are, they were given to me by the man I love and they are beautiful. His thoughtfulness is such an amazing quality he possesses. His daughter is the exact same way. She is a spitting image of him and it’s too much cuteness for me to handle sometimes.

We spent yesterday with Lylah to celebrate her birthday that recently passed. We met with her at an IKEA to pick her up from her momma. This was the first time meeting the other parent and to be honest, she seemed like a nice person from what I gathered. There will always be a strange tension between Patrick and her that I can just feel reverberate from around their auras. It was an immediate feeling when I saw them talking.

When I was pregnant, until I found out Eddie was a boy, I thought I was carrying a girl. It was a strange feeling that if I was wrong, I didn’t care. I would be the same mom either which way. There is something awesome about his daughter and the things we have in common are ridiculous.

You know, you can’t choose the family you are born into, but damn can you end up with the one you thought you should’ve known all along. It’s such a blessing to feel this. It just wasn’t this way with JC’s family, ever. As much as I acted like I was never bothered, I always was. Anxiety and panic attacks plagued me around them constantly. With Patrick’s family, it is a calm and acceptance that is new to me. A good new. I can live with this.

So after we picked her up, we went over to his mom’s new place and scooped her up and headed to the mall. The birthday girl wanted a Build-A-Bear and that was the place to do it. Luckily, the last time I went there with Eddie (he was 2) I received a $10.00 off gift card with no expiration. He is now 6, so yeah, we don’t go there often. I gave that towards her gift and she happily made her cute birthday bear. She turned double digits this year so that’s always an exciting birthday.

We picked up her cousin from school afterwards and went to a couple more stores. It was an amazing time and the company was rewardingly spent. I noticed that I took my time and lived in the moment and it felt different. It felt right. I’m always so worried about the next day or something down the road and I’m never in the now. I’m intentionally trying to do this because we aren’t promised tomorrow, or even the next minute. I’ve finally come to realize what matters in this world. Revelations are wonderful when they happen.

When you know, you apparently know. I am exactly where I’m meant to be. I just can’t wait to get our little family together and experience that life. Even if for certain periods of time, I just want to feel whole in a family setting that isn’t dysfunctional and chaotic. I know I can have that now. I am allowed to move forward in everything I believe in now. There have been so many lessons learned and feelings controlled I didn’t know could be hammered down.

I truly believe God heals you from the inside, makes you new and puts that new heart in you. The Holy Spirit is capable and you are because of that. Only because of that. The amount of times I go to God in prayer during the day is shocking to me because it’s never been that way before. I feel like it’s a constantly continued chat session with Him. It’s comforting.

I should probably take a breather and lie down. I feel my eyelids getting heavy and I’ll take whatever sleep I can get.

Tails From Camp Bow Wow

Do you ever wonder if someone wrote about this awesome conversation or meeting they had with you in their own journal? Well… let me be the one to share a conversation I had with a woman I hope to further get to know.

I work at good ol’ Camp Bow Wow. We are a dog daycare/boarding facility and some of the most driven people by the cute little wags of our campers’ tails. We have fun. Truly. The people that work there were born to take care of animals. I feel I am one of those people as well. There’s a happiness that just spreads and watching the dogs play and being able to literally “pet all the dogs”, well, I’m in heaven. It takes away my worries of the world around me, makes me praise God for these miraculously beautiful creatures I get the honor of taking care of, and free kisses are a plus.

We are hiring and there have been mass interviews taking place. I’ve handed out my fair share of clipboards and applications in the 3 months I’ve been there. Then this one older lady walks in and I asked her who she was picking up. She wasn’t, she was here for a job interview. So I handed her the paperwork and I couldn’t find a clipboard. I felt horrible. So she started filling it out at the counter until a minute later when another applicant was finished, she then took a seat.

It was very constant up front, a lot of new people wanting information and tours of the place. I was helping an older couple who wanted their sweet pup to have some fun because he just sits in the house all day. We have some wonderful clients.

The lobby cleared out and it seemed the lady and I were the only ones up front. I asked how she was doing and found out her name was Valentina. Really pretty name. We soon were in such deep conversation that I didn’t realize what was going on around me. We had so much in common, things we’ve been through and the like. We also connected through Jesus. She mentioned she was new to the area and looking for a church to attend on Sundays and just didn’t want to go alone. I told her, I’d join her, I really need to find a physical church. That just turned into talk about how I work for an online ministry and giving her that information so she could join our next study and potentially my group.

The time spent with her for those ten minutes made my whole day. We expressed our love for Christ and in that amount of time exchanged numbers and she had a great interview. I told my manager that she needed to hire her on and give her a shot. To my surprise she absolutely agreed and so I look forward to getting to know my new friend through Christ. Only he can place these circumstances of “right place, right time”.

I love my job.

Time Well Spent

Let’s start off with a positive.

I am in my element. I’ve had my chocolate hazelnut cream coffee with M&Ms creamer — believe me when I say, it pairs well. I’ve been able to get a couple things done and take time with the Lord. It’s a pretty big constant in my life now and the benefits are mind-blowing to say the least. Oh, and Dexter decided to take over the laptop because obviously, the million of belly rubs, sweet high-pitched nothings, and walk wasn’t enough. Never enough. I love that dog…

We are so close to October and it makes me happy. OND. Best months. I’ve decided I’m getting a little fluffy again and am going back on the Plexus regimen I was on before. It proved itself useful for betterment of my gut health. I’ve never had a good stomach. I mean, the countless bottles of booze, junk food, and whatever else I deemed fit to enter my body probably hasn’t helped over the past 20 years… I’m not saying I’m unhappy with what I look like, I’m unhappy with how my insides feel every day. I solely want to make my stomach not hate me so much anymore.

I’ve come to the realization that I will never have my 20 year old pre-baby figure anymore and it’s time to work on the inside. I love how I try to make it seem like I’m not unhappy with how I fit in my jeans or wish to present myself. Denial is a hell of a concept. These things should not matter as much as this world makes us want it to matter.

It really is silly the things we think are so important. Looking the best. Being the most successful. Having the most put-together family.

I don’t like the way this post is starting to go. Most times I’m pretty amped by what I’m writing about, but right now? I’m in a chill vibey moment and I am not looking to lose it any time soon.

Want to see a picture of my sweet little gamer boy? Of course you do…

Whenever I look at him, I melt. This world produces some ugly things, but the Lord produced a little miracle inside of me. That extra “fluff” and the stretchmarks that accompany it, worth it. It is legacy and represents what I was meant to be in this life. As much as I have tried to say I don’t measure up, God says I do. That’s made it pretty clear, I was blessed and he was given to me to raise up as part of a major plan. I’m excited to see where he goes in this life, the plans that are made for him. It’s going to be pretty awesome. I can tell you that.

I thought so…

What I am thankful for (With Commentary):

  • Eddie
  • Patrick
  • Dexter
  • My Mom’s dogs: Bugsy and Morty
  • My Mom and Dad
  • Coffee
  • Books (Freedom pages)
  • Writing
  • Creativity
  • Coffee Mugs (I just took a sip)
  • Bees (They make the best darn honey. Mhmm, especially in Earl Grey Tea.)
  • Fuzzy Blankets (Talk about comfort and security.)
  • Life Goals
  • Steps towards healing
  • Repentance
  • Righteousness
  • Holy Spirit (Our Father and Son)
  • Animals (Foxes, Wolves, and Deer came to mind.)

I am as Feisty as a Fox, Warrior of a Wolf, and Delicate as a Deer.

Delicate Deerling Deer, Feisty Furlong Fox, Warrior Warren Wolf

My mind does not give up and does not disappoint. It is so strange the concepts my thoughts take me through when I dig deep into my creative cavity. Always something stored up for a rainy day. (Like today… go figure.)

I didn’t mean that in a bad way, I am a “Pluviophile.” I would rather take rain, wind, storm, hurricane, whatever to get my fix. This weather makes me feel whole inside and it always has. Autumn has always been the season I tend to have a better streak of happiness and fulfillment for the year. It’s a “safe season” of the year, to be honest.

Thinking of that, I noticed more of the bad things that happened in my life, occurred between January and end of August. (Eddie and Patrick being the exception.) They were both born and blessed us in that month amongst the bad of that month that was mentally created by myself.

I’m trying to let go of the thoughts that don’t need to be entertained in my head anymore and I guess this is my “dump space.” Attractive. I thought so… I’m starting to think that’s my catch phrase, “I thought so.” I also read that as if I was doing a Netflix standup show. You know when you take on that persona of the “funny one” and you’ve got this smirk confidence and aren’t sure how or why? What runs through our caffeinated head sometimes. Am I right? (Slaps internal forehead)

I like being in a good mood. I would say “love” but I feel that’s taking it a bit too far.

You know what’s awesome? If I turn slightly to my right, there’s an Eddie all curled up under my cozy fuzzy blanket (mentioned above…it’s not important.) When he sleeps I can see the delicate baby I held for the first time. His lips are perfect in every way. Little cherubim lips. Seriously. I’m jealous. God knew exactly what he was doing when he thought of Eddie. It’s so easy to see it in the ones we love so dear, but when we look at ourselves it’s almost like, “How?” My literal insides felt like they turned to gunk because I thought of myself. When I think of Eddie it’s light, happy, bright, and euphoric almost. Like that’s what Love is supposed to feel like. True Love. Born of, Love. How have I not realized how thankful and blessed I am until now?

I wish you could see him all wrapped up like a 6 year-old burrito baby who will eventually turn into a bomb when he wakes up. That child has energy. He could be vomiting all over himself and keep going. I’m so glad he didn’t get my immune system. We would be in a world of doctor/hospital bill hurt. I cost a pretty penny in the worst ways. (Har. Har)

Is it weird to want to … literally within writing that, I just remembered. I can make a side journal for others who want to journal or “side-bar.” I amuse myself, it’s amazing the comments made in my head all day. They need a “Real Mentally Unstable 30’s Single Mom Housewives of Jacksonville, Florida.” Believe me, it hits. That’s what’s sad. You know, you think about where you are from and why is it, normally, always the worst? I can either say…

Hey guys, I’m Betsy. Born and half-way raised in Dyer, Indiana, state of corn. Go Corn. I was raised up drinking coffee with my Papa when I was only 3 years old (could’ve been sooner, we are addicts) and watching Da Bears on Sunday NFL Game Day. Smoking his pipe and me my fake candy cigarettes (cold coffee in hand), we’d listen to the “main stream Country” of that time and I’d ride my tricycle for hours around and around the driveway, making as many left turns as would color me victorious in the Indy 500.

(Little man woke up, this will have to be a “To Be Continued…”)

Writing. Meaning. Life.

I’ve always been an awkward talker. Crazy, right? I tend to be able to think clearer when I am in my head space. Thinking the words, just not spewing out nonsense and hope it came close to what I was trying to say.

Writing. Writing is so much clearer. The way I am attracted to words and the way they spill out on the page is probably a sin. It’s beauty. Intimate. Taking time to put into words what’s all going on inside. Whether it’s through writing a short story, poem, speech, wedding vows, New York Best Seller, or sermon — it’s what comes from within that matters most. It’s where some of the best screen plays, operas, and jaunty tunes came from. Inside is where your soul can long and be passionate for whatever it desires as long as it’s genuine and pure.

Writer’s highs are very real. Just like the runner’s high, it makes all euphoric substances seem bleak and bland. Just you and your mind expelling years of things that make up who you are. What you’ve become. Each decision like a post-it note adding to the pile of literature written just for YOU. Stories are so unique. We could literally all be a motion picture, top of the charts, Grammy winning experience somewhere in our life stories. Who we’ve been called to be is such a unique and inspiring process that can only be given by our Savior, Jesus Christ.

It’s not a hard process to accept in your heart. It’s quite easy and yet one of the most difficult decisions one has to make. It’s just a matter of where in the story you begin. Beautiful, right?

I thought so.