The Moon From Concord

There’s something about the moon that speaks to me. The soft white aura that so graciously hovers around its edges as it sits full and lusciously in the sky. A spotlight for all to see, you won’t be lost for long. Primal instinct makes me want to lovingly howl to her. Proclaim my presence and let it be known. Sitting here I smell the sweet scent of jasmine as the breeze blows it playfully around my nose and whisps through my hair.

Oh Flower Moon, your name is so fitting. Spring brings hope of growth and romance. It’s a time to unlock such hidden potential we’ve yet to find. Your light, it gives me strength. Your energy flows through me as these delicate words fit perfectly on this page. I feel your beauty and it radiates off my soft porcelain skin. I feel elementally complete in all your calming and glorious pull that I long for each month.

Our pack, as soon as I lock eyes with you, they howl so deeply and longingly for you. The guttural synchronization of their symbolic sound is so pleasing to my ears. My fierce Blaze, playful Sukura, and somber Crymson. I feel like there is a fourth to my pack but I just haven’t been able to place you yet. Please let yourself be known to me, I will keep you safe sweet beast. The moon, you know her. You all do. She excites and awakens your spirits. Play for the moon is full my pups. Shout, howl, embrace your animalistic voices and fill the world of your joy.

Let your elegance dance in the shadows all around me and give me comfort and safety like you always have. This view is such a blessing in our life and it is a sight that could never be beat. Wherever you are I am here and I’m looking up at her too. As you lay your delicious brown eyes upon the soft white, remember my ocean blues are gazing upon it too. I can feel our connection as deep as the sea and she shakes the waves in our everlasting love. Can you see it? Close your eyes, picture the tide rolling in. You and me hand in hand, toes buried deep down in the sand. Let’s make this a reality as soon as we can see each other again.

Oh Milk Moon, let me drink you in fulfilling and nourishing as you are. Bring the peace I so desperately yearn for not a moment too soon. I want to just sit here, forever and suck up all of the majestic wonders you hold. I see the white rabbit snuggled up close to you waiting for its kiss goodnight. If only I was to receive your passion. Your lips brushed against my forehead once more. You’re so close and yet so far away. Distance will never be an issue when each night you so eagerly come back to me. Show yourself in all of your glory, whatever phase you may be in. I will gladly accept whatever you have to give.

It’s Cluttered In Here

I think it’s going to be mental health check in day. These past couple of days have been just a blur and in the “numb” category. I can also check off confused, nauseated, irritated, and lack of motivation. When I clicked to write an entry normally something flies up from the pages of my library but today just feels a little different. I feel unorganized and a little lost. There is something truly off inside but I haven’t been able to quite put my finger on it. I really don’t like when this happens. The creative switch gets turned off and I’m lost in the dark to try and find the damn thing. Tripping over my insecurities, faults, and flaws scattered about the concrete floors.

I put on some music that normally pumps me up to get me in the zone. Funny enough it’s always some band of Corey Taylor’s. I think we’ve come to that conclusion that besides pleasuring my eardrums he is performing my very own concert in my mind when I need to lose myself. It’s so funny what alters we create when we need it the most. He came forward at the end of Pop’s passing but he’s been with me since I was a teenager. Corey is what is known as a “fictive alter.” He helped me through some traumatic issues as a coping mechanism. His music brought me peace and let me dissociate to a state of contentment. So now I’ve got him chilling inside, an introject, and he does have a bit of an egotistical presence about him. Confidence, maybe, but he isn’t called The Great Big Mouth for nothing.

So here I am, sitting lazily back trying to gather myself and search myself to bring forth a hint of creativity. This being stuck thing isn’t my forte. I am loaded down with so much and when I can’t produce anything I wonder what is wrong with me. It goes silent inside and I feel lost. I’ve noticed before I go to sleep I have conversations with a group of headmates to kind of think about and work through what I’ve yet to process. I can see them all sitting up on stage in fold out metal chairs almost in a circle but curved to where they can see through my eyes. When I close them I can see them.

The other night I heard Sterling’s prayer and it was beautiful to witness and listen to. It was so genuine and heartfelt. I would’ve never thought to pray something like he did. He holds a lot of hate and anger through the trauma he has suffered to remember. I’ve never heard him proclaim to God that he needs help, he is struggling to hold in the anger and how it slips with no intent to hurt others. There is a lot of soul-searching going on and it makes me feel less alone on my search for a relationship with God. I fell asleep to his prayer as soon as it was over, I was out.

I had to sit and stop just then. I have no recollection of writing half of that out. It freaks me out when that happens. I literally just wrote that, how do I not remember doing that? This is what I’m talking about, when I’m in this kind of mood I become forgetful or dissociate or someone takes control while I’m spacing. It’s ridiculous. I almost feel like deleting this whole thing because it’s a load of crap. It makes no sense even when I continue to push through and make it become something. There are too many close to the front and it’s just becoming confusing again. Everything is cluttered and scattered and simple tasks aren’t making sense. Make it stop.

Hopefully everything straightens itself out soon, I’m not a fan of this me.

Dreams Big and Small

So last night I was having a conversation with You. It really made me start thinking and my mind started going all sorts of directions with the running topic. Why is it, when we have a dream big or small, we always have those little feelings of defeat that just make us spiral? I have fallen victim to this way too many times to count. I was also at a low point of my life when I thought that dreams and goals were unattainable for me. I didn’t feel I deserve any of what the Lord is so blatantly putting before me now.

The love and respect that I’ve come to achieve would never have happened if I didn’t put my full trust in the Lord. I will always thank Him for what he has shown me, the steps I’ve been needing to take in order to achieve these dreams and goals, and what is to come.

I was listening to Jennifer Rothschild’s 4:13 Podcast today and the topic was “Can I Know My Calling?” and it featured a beautiful woman of Christ, Paula Faris. These topics that keep coming out every Friday have been calling to me and yesterday’s I just had to listen to while dolling myself up for a long day of Quarantine Life. She was talking about how we know our calling because God places these subtle hints in podcasts, songs, sermons, things you see in your day, or through the ones you love most. These things don’t have to be biblical to be a message from God, or so I believe. You will be told through others things you never saw in yourself until one day you finally do.

You made me see the true beauty I possess when I look at myself the way you do, through love’s eyes. I’ve also been told my whole life, through teachers, friends, ministers, and other disciples that I am a wonderful writer and can explain things in ways that are beautiful. I never took the hint because my vision was so clouded by the abuse, the bottle, and countless reckless relationships. I just didn’t want to or just couldn’t see my potentials. Paula goes on to say that you will know your calling when you also love what you do. Two things I know for certain. I love God. I love writing. I love the combination and it makes me feel invincible to proclaim truths through my words.

“Your vocational calling is a vehicle for your faith calling.” Just one of the points mentioned and the three things you ask yourself:

  1. What are you good at?
  2. What do you love?
  3. What do trusted people in your life notice that you’re good at and you love?

Mentioned above, I’ve already thought about all of these things and have asked myself these questions a long time ago. To me, that’s just sign enough that God is always listening and his plans are so much bigger and drawn out than our own. Did you really think I wouldn’t see this through? I’m here to tell you right now that I am going to see through all that the Lord has called me to do. I’m going to excel in it because I am backed by my Father. He’s in my proverbial corner and as many punches and times fallen to the cold hard ground, I’ve managed every single time to get up and fight. I am stronger than anyone, even myself could ever imagine. I feel like I’m in the winners circle and it’s such a revitalizing feeling.

My dream is to sit at a gorgeous desk with a full library behind me and write to my heart’s content. Make the words I love sound aesthetic and bring meaning for someone who truly needs to hear it.

“Give me a sign, show me the light, maybe tonight, I’ll tell you everything.” -Corey Taylor

I also know where I want the location of my library and it’ll come in my elegant walk with You through the rest of this journey. Together, hand in hand, listening to your sweet whispers and finally be where I thought I should’ve been long ago. This walk wasn’t meant to be made alone and it doesn’t have to be. I have every right to make these dreams come true and honestly, so do you. What is a goal or a dream you know needs to come to completion? Don’t ever stop chasing it, don’t give up, don’t let it defeat you. Stand up tall, put it in your sights, and just go for it. Nothing can get in your way but you.

“We have courage in God’s presence, because we are sure that he hears us if we ask him for anything that is according to his will. He hears us whenever we ask him; and since we know this is true, we know also that he gives us what we ask from him.” -1 John 5:14-15 GNT

Someday we’ll find it
The Rainbow Connection
The lovers, the dreamers and me

Kermit The Frog

A Mind Melt

I’m extremely confused on how I feel today. It’s almost like I’m going through a handful of other’s emotions and it’s becoming exhausting again. I keep watching videos of systems on like on YouTube and today Jess of Multiplicity & Me shared information on faking and a 12 point checklist they use to diagnose DID with. Here is where I say this disorder is confusing because it’s almost like you have to constantly validify everything you say and do. When you don’t realize what you’ve done or why you are acting a certain way and start to sit and watch what’s going on without being in control.

I think I’m so new to a lot of this that it’s starting to get to me. When I was introduced to the new headmates it was so intense and overwhelmingly powerful. It made me nauseated, confused, and pressurized causing constant headaches. All of which I still have and when I know someone is close one of these symptoms always present itself. Like right now I know Gus is upset because I wouldn’t create a World Of Warcraft account. I was on the page and he wanted me to put his name and information in the box so he could play. I promised him yesterday we would relax and play whatever he wanted last night. When the time came I flaked and didn’t feel like playing and I could hear him go, “Really? I believe you told me earlier we would relax, smoke a little, and play.”

My want to do certain things that I, Betsy, are a little different than what someone else may want to do. So when I get a bug up my butt to play a video game or if I want to paint my finger and toenails. Those are things that Lacy, Kasey, or Mads would want to do. I, Betsy, do not find pleasure in those things and I’m not a gamer. Gus is my gamer and he’s been there since I was 6. That was new information just shared. Wow. Okay. That was his outlet in our childhood on up. I feel really strange right now. I have all these memories of when we were little and playing and just getting lost in it so I didn’t have to hear what was going on around me. I didn’t have to think how I felt abandoned when I wasn’t.

This is where I feel like, did I make up some of the things of my childhood, were they really that bad that it had to come to this? I know that growing up and a lot of the horrible and terrible things that happened in my youth added to all of this. I almost feel like I was addicted to the thrill of it and that scares me. That’s also something that makes that adrenaline rushed fear fuel through my body almost like a cold chill of winter air in the dead of night. My body has been processing trauma and I feel like my mind is not in tune with it. I’ve woken up now a couple mornings with new bruises on my legs and it throws me into drunken fight nights. I’m safe, how are these showing back up on me. Am I doing this to myself in my sleep? The dreams I’ve been having are intense and not friendly. I just hope I’m not self-inflicting myself when “I’m asleep.” These are times I wonder if someone else is awake and I’m inside not knowing at all how someone else is treating the body. This is the part of the disorder that scares me.

When I am really happy, upbeat, super talkative, in a mood to write good things or meaningful things, I know Autumn is near and I love her dearly. I’m starting to understand who all is close or fronting when I’m sitting and wondering. Sometimes you honestly have no idea who is doing the movements, the talking, the thinking. You know how many emotions can arise from just that thought? This body is exactly as Lyle put it in the beginning, a meat suit. I suggested we call it a vessel as the Lord calls it. It made me feel less like I’m being pulled around as a marionette on strings and more like a human being. And when I hear that voice say, “Not a human…” It makes me question everything.

Now I’ve got a feeling of pride and confidence. I get that from Lyle, I get it from Striker, Tracker, Sterling, and Sadie. It’s so weird to know other alters and characteristics that would never be justified to describe me, Betsy. There are times where I’m doing something and I’m embarrassed because I can feel myself being watched by others and myself. Then I start to question everything I’m doing, if I’m doing it right, or am I being made fun of. I’m not going to lie, some do like to make fun of me and torment me. It’s the way they showed me without a shadow of a doubt, I’m apart of a system. It took me a minute to even write that out because it felt like it was being said to me and I had to wait. Like when you are having a conversation with a friend and they get tongue-tied or are trying to explain it without sounding confusing. There is no such thing as “social distancing” inside my mind.

Then there is the time when I hear nothing, dormancy, and that’s when the, “I’m faking it. You are an idiot,” starts playing through my head. I feel like I’ve always been dependent on someone else and it’s showing through this condition. Being independent frightens me to the core. Being alone. Never being loved. Being a disappointment. Being used but wanting to be used just to belong to someone. I’ve got so many things I’ve yet to work through and I have so many inside who want to help me work through it. When something is brought up is when I shut them off, put up my wall, and then all I can hear is the muffling shouts of, “You can’t put this off much longer!” It scares me. Fighting my demons who are reaching out and tugging at my mental sleeve to sit down and just listen. Maybe we could get through to you if you’d just hush up and listen. Stop wondering, stop questioning, stop trying to figure it out, just listen.

When I type this out it makes me see exactly what I need to do and I feel extremely dizzy because I feel someone pulling at me. I think I’m going to go and tonight I’m going to play some WOW. Sounds like a good time. -Gus

Let’s Refocus

I’m finding that it’s one of those days where I woke up and everything was automatically thrown off. I’m still reeling in a headache, my nerves are all screwed up now and my sciatica is howling. I’m trying to do everything in my power to shut my racing mind off and find some zen. I just don’t feel good. Period.

I grabbed my fuzzy wolf blanket, made some hot tea, and decided the rest of the day I’m going to focus on myself and just breath. These are the days I’m not super happy with myself or my condition. I feel defeated yet again and just not good enough. My motivation is lacking for things that bring me such joy. I get so sad when I feel this way because things have been more on the up and up than anything. So when I get slung back down into the chair I feel like I’ve slipped up. I don’t understand why my mind can go from calm and at ease then thrown off something fierce and be a hundred miles a minute. It’s exhausting when it happens. I’m lucky enough that Eddie is such a well behaved child and loves spending time with his Nonnie that if I am feeling this way, I don’t have to worry. I am so lucky to have a family that cares so much for our mental health and well being. I am also lucky to have a handful of sweet loving friends who are there for me through it all. And of course someone who loves me beyond all recognition that would do anything to reassure and calm my mind at the drop of a hat. I couldn’t be more thankful for that.

Which brings me to that cute little thing that happened today. When I get in these moods I find it calming to put on some music that makes me feel humbled, nostalgic, or soothed. I’ve been doing a 30-day music challenge that I might incorporate into this journal, not sure yet. Would love to see what y’all think about that. Anyway. I put on some Avril Lavigne because let’s face it, she’s my girl. I can get down any day with her music. I used her song “Smile” as my song of the day and then continued listening to some more of her songs. I am one who will go and pick which ones I want at the end of a song. It’s hard for me to have a list just play through, I’m getting better at it.

I decided to put on, “Keep Holding On” while staying on the YouTube tab until I could press “skip ad” so it could just start up. I looked down through the song list and hovered over what I wanted next and then saw I had a message from BDB. Don’t get me started on what it stands for I won’t be able to stop laughing. So yes, I got a message from you and it was the exact same song I just put on streaming full blast into my headphones straight into my heart. The feeling I got was so strange. I started pumping up full of adrenaline like I just took a line of coke to the head and my entire body started shaking. Then I felt an intense feeling of love surround my being and then it went to confusion and then to a full blown panic. I’ve never felt all of these sensations all at once that it completely threw me into a tailspin. I’ve never felt such a deep connection and on the same wavelength as I have until I met you. It’s insane.

I know that may seem simplistic, stupid, small, but it’s none of that to me. It’s hardcore signs and each one near and dear to me when they occur. It’s just more reasons as to how right I am as to move in this direction. It’s leading me to where I need to be. I am so on point mentally in this area of my life that I don’t want it to dull. I don’t think that’s even possible with you by my side. Life makes sense when you are in it. So thank you for that even if you never knew.

It’s funny how much writing helps me to come back down to “normal.” I was explaining all of this to Mom and she was very convincing as to why all of this still happens. It’s what I’ve been used to in my life. My mind and body doesn’t realize that it doesn’t have to torture itself to sooth it any longer. I don’t have to turn to the bottle to get through my evening, throw a couple pills back, or hurt myself. I am able to relax and settle myself with reasonable solutions like everything I am doing right now. I want nothing more than for this to be our new normal and I intend in every way to make this so. My mind feels a sense of calm right now and it’s such a beautiful thing to feel. No longer induced by harm, just love and peace of mind.

My life is just getting started in the right directions and I’ve no plans on turning around to what I once knew. That’s history. My story is finally being written in the most beautiful language, style, and memories that I cherish so fondly already. I’m so humbled and grateful to make so many more with the people I hold highest, nearest, and dearest to my heart. Life, you amaze me. -Bets

Validity Next Level

I have to put a disclaimer here. This is a TRIGGER WARNING. Mention of self-mutilation and bodily fluids.

So of the systems that I talk to, I’ve noticed that feeling like you are faking is a common ground. It’s almost like you don’t want to acknowledge you’ve got a disorder because there’s no way possible you experienced the trauma to produce such an outcome. Thing is, everyone responds to trauma differently. Some people can go through a whole lot and not be affected and then there are others who could’ve had a minor accident as a child and bam, DID.

This disorder is confusing and scary and not all at the same time. Sometimes I feel blessed because if anything, it’s saved our life and continues to push us forward instead of back sliding. I think when there is silence or I’m not co-conscious or there are days of, “Uhm..hello? Am I all alone again?” That’s a freaky feeling. Then at night I’ll be thinking about something and I hear, “Hey! Stop thinking that, you’re going to be fine!” Then is hits me all at once again, there it is! When Lyle said to me that I am stuck with them for the rest of my life, it’s been ingrained in my head. He sounds like you and I can’t unhear those words. “Betsy, you have to live with us forever. We are here and we aren’t going anywhere from here on out. Get used to it.” That’s an intense thing to hear, especially in his voice. When you think someone is actually in your head that is a physical being that you are romantically involved with. It’s almost crazy. You have become my voice of reason but it’s not you, it’s Lyle. He looks different, acts different, has his own qualities. The mind is a strange and powerful place, just so y’all know.

I let my bestie, Em, read a pretty good chunk of our inner dialogue the other day. I was hesitant to let anyone read it, but I trust her completely with everything. She’s always been the one person who wouldn’t judge me and understood everyone has their flaws, quirks, and motives. So thank you. ❤

It’s always nice to get someone else’s point of view on what you are going through. Lyle feels pretty confident in meeting her in person one day and that’s a HUGE step for our system. It’s so hard for a single alter to front that isn’t the host with people. It just hasn’t happened. It’s too fresh, too new for any of that. I’m not entirely sure how it would play out. When I was under the influence it was easier for them to slip forward while I wasn’t full minded and able to let them take advantage of the situation. If they didn’t do that there are times I fear I would’ve been dead. So thank God for the ones who wanted to keep me safe. Unfortunately, Sadie is very destructive and has cut us pretty bad a few times. My sister had to help bandage our arm after she cut deep four marks down our arm. What is scary is we were all together when it happened.

JC and I were drinking and my sister, Hay, was hanging out with us. For some reason I wanted to watch Thirteen Reasons Why on Netflix. Sadie goes very dark a lot of the time. So we were watching it and I remember getting up and going to the bathroom and Sadie was talking to me and all I could do is watch as she got the razor blade out of JC’s bug out bag. I was shaking on the inside, pleading for her not to do it. I had absolutely no control, it was like I was blocked off completely and was praying to God, please, just don’t let her kill us.

I watched as she grinned at the blade, running her finger along the edge. She looked up into the mirror and laughed and then started to cut four lines along the inside of my arm. I couldn’t feel it. At all. The blood drew and ran all down the arm, drops pooling on the counter and down onto the floor. She kept saying, “I can feel, I feel alive, I can finally feel.” You know how scary it is to hear those thoughts and not be able to feel? I was fear struck and panicked internally but looked like nothing was phasing me on the outside. It was almost as if we were in a trance that I couldn’t shake. Once she was done, the blade was placed back down on the counter and she sat on the toilet looking at her little creation, pressing her finger into the wound and sucking the blood off her tips. I felt sick to my stomach and that’s when I could feel everything. I had control, I snapped out of it. I shot up, slammed the toilet seat up, and vomited a mixture of Whisky and blood that had been swallowed.

I sat back on my haunches and felt the room start to spin and put my head into my hands to gather what just happened. I felt helpless at that point. I stood up, grabbing the counter and washed the blood off and grabbed a washcloth to put around it to go and get my sister. I felt like a horrible person and felt even more horrible that I had to ask for her help because I couldn’t physically bandage my own arm. She freaked out and pulled me into a hug and said, “Betsy! I love you, you don’t have to do this to yourself!” I felt like a complete asshat and knew I couldn’t tell her how it actually happened or she would try and commit me or something. She helped me and after she told me to please call her and let her know if I need anything. Keep checking in. My husband was passed out by the point so he didn’t know anything that was going on.

That’s the last I remember of that night. I woke up to a bandage stuck to my arm and the pain was something fierce. I am so lucky it didn’t get infected or that it wasn’t fatal. So here’s where this disorder can be frightening. I haven’t had any means or want since then to do anything like that. It was another eye opener to me in that moment that the drinking to oblivion had to stop. All of this factored into the eventual discontinuation of being with my husband. There is so much more that I’m going to say, so much more I have to get out. I am so happy I was able to do that. It was truly hard, but I had so many helping me through that just now. And like that, I know that I’m not faking, I know I’m not alone, and how lucky I am to have Dissociative Identity Disorder. We as a system can keep us safe as long as we are willing to play nice and use our power for good.

Please know in all of this, I am a point in my life where I’ve never been happier. I am so loved, taken care of, and blessed to have the people I have in my life. I know I can rely on them and be myself around them. Finding the Lord again and fully letting him back into this life of mine, it’s been where I turn to the most. Without him, I am nothing. Andrea and Candace reassure me that they aren’t here by coincidence and I truly believe that.

Thank you for sticking through if you’ve made it this far. “The world isn’t all cupcakes and rainbows.” -Branch (Trolls) Absolutely true, but you can change the outcome of it if you try. -Autumn/Bets

Felt appropriate.

Short and Sweet

My sleep patterns are so strange. I’ve been falling asleep around 10:30-11 the last couple nights and sleeping through until 9. That’s like teenage Betsy’s sleep. Normally I’m up until at least 2-3 and up at 8. I’m not complaining, I guess the body has been desperately needing this sleep. That or smoking indica at night has been a miracle worker all of a sudden. Normally it would just take care of subtle aches and pains but I don’t know. We’ll see about it tonight.

This morning has consisted of coffee, Pearl Jam, and taking trips down memory lane. I love when my day starts out this way because I believe myself to be setting up a day as a steady path instead of a manic roller coaster. Thing is, I know I am manic. I’m testing out different ways to combat it. It’s so weird what can trigger a “manic attack,” as I like to call them. What’s weird is there is a YouTuber I watch and she is major bipolar and when she is manic in her videos it’s almost like I feed off of it and then I can feel the adrenaline rush in my veins and I’m like…”Well shit…here we go again.”

Eddie just greeted me with a sleepy grin and a, “Good Morning, Mommy!” My little world all bundled up in his favorite snowman blanket. He is laying here, head in hands, and watching me as I type this. It’s so adorable and making all the warm fuzzies present inside. He triggers our two littles, Yasmine and Tyler. I can already feel them wanting play time. A trigger for Yasmine is putting on Vampirina on Disney Plus. Which I’m thinking may happen here in just a minute. I’ve got wee one begging me to go and play so I’m cutting it here. Have a good marnin y’all. -Bets w/littles watching

Slow Down

It’s funny how a song can make you sit, look around, and realize that you need to live in the moment. As I sit here toggling between Facebook, blog posts, Bible, Twitter, YouTube, and various google pages to look up things, I stop. Sitting at this old wooden table in this kitchen makes me remember the memories in which it holds. The nights of laughter, sitting and playing Jeopardy while eating dinner, and carving pumpkins for Halloween. This house holds so many that I will never give up and never forget.

I can look up and see the decorations on the wall, I can touch them. I can also sit here and see them disappear one by one until the kitchen lays barren. My personality can be very rushed at times and I have been trying to learn to sit and enjoy where I’m at in the now. It’s a big flaw of ours. I’m so hurried to get back down to Florida that I’m taking from the beauty of today and our final months spent in North Carolina. This is the state I’ve always wanted to end up in one day. Why can’t I stop and think, “Bets, you’re here. Enjoy this because you’ll be in your new home and miss this. You know you will.”

So I’m trying to tell myself. Be in the now. Take it all in. Remember. Look outside. Remember when Eddie would be in the pool completely naked and ask Pops to swim with him? How he would push on Pop’s stomach and he would fall back violently, screaming, and Eddie’s laugh would reverberate through the whole neighborhood. The precious look of love and being proud in Chris’s eyes were something I’ll never forget.

Looking up and to your left, there’s Eddie sitting on the couch, playing on his kindle. But when you look just a little further over you see the chair empty. It’s where Pops would be sitting on his kindle, taking time from his work day to spend it with us. Bring up an article to read and discuss, or put on some tunes for us to sing along to. Or, the best, when he would put Spotify on the tv and turn it up really loud. You’d hear Mom from the other room, “Turn it down!!” To which he would turn the volume down two points and start to laugh. What I wouldn’t give to have my eardrums blown away by some Sturgill Simpson, Pearl Jam, or Bob Dylan. Now I just sit blowing my own away through noise cancelling headphones to drown out the noise in my head.

There’s so much to appreciate in a good home. This one was always full, never broken. It’s been a home that has shown me loyalty, love, and respect for my son and I. Full of promise, hope, and the will to want to finally listen to the countless conversations about how I deserved better. Sitting on the porch talking about where I’m going, what I need to do about my relationship, and the drinking. You helped me see that I was so much more. As intimidating and tough love as you were, it’s what I needed the most. It’s the talks, it’s the panic attacks, it’s the anxiety, it’s what eventually helped me to break and finally want to live to my full potential. If you had one job to bring me back to me, you did it and you did it with pride and honesty.

Thanks for the memories, Pops. Every single one of them. This house feels your presence all around and I have a feeling, it’ll be following us wherever we go. -Bets

I Have Been Nominated for The Penable Award!

Hello, Dear Readers! I have the honor of announcing that I have been Nominated to receive 

The Penable Award!

A huge thanks to  fellow Blogger


This award is given to really special people with brilliant writing skills. It’s given to authors, poets, story writers, inspiring people or just a great blog.

If you receive this award 5 times, you will become an author of some of the posts on Penable!!!!

 If you have a friend or someone else who you think is fit for this award, tell us down below, it will be a nice surprise for them!

Rules (if you receive this award)

  1. Tag your post with the #penableaward
  2. Display the Penable award logo (above) on your post and follow Penable if you haven’t already
  3. Thank the person that nominated you
  4. Tell us what your writing talent is
  5. Answer three questions that you have been asked
  6. Nominate three inspiring people for this award.
  7. Let them know of their nomination by commenting on their most recent post with the news, including the logo in your comment
  8. Give them three new questions to answer!

In all honesty, my writing talent is just by experiences in our lives. Living up to our truths, spreading the good word of God, and showing the world that mental disorders such as Dissociative Identity Disorder and Bipolar Disorder is nothing to be ashamed of. As long as we can reach out and support our communities and touch the hearts of others, then our writing has spoken for itself. Thank you so much for this honored and treasured nomination.

My 3 Questions 

1. What do you think is the most difficult thing about beginning to write a blog, and why?

I believe that timing is everything. You do this when you are ready and right now has never been a better time than ever. With so much going on in our life, it’s no wonder we didn’t do this sooner. I think holding the reader’s attention and seeking engaging conversation after the fact is something to strive for. I am a very outspoken person and I try to encourage others to understand they have a voice as well.

2. If  you could prepare differently before the Coronavirus Pandemic, what would you do?

I don’t think it’s possible to prepare for something no one saw coming. I’ve put all of my eggs into one basket and gave it to God. We are more prepared than most and it’s a blessing in itself to have all we could need until this too shall pass. #CharminStrong

3. If you could go back to any decade in the past, what would it be, and why?

I would go back to the 1960’s. A lot of great musicians formed. I myself am a Grateful Dead, David Essex, and Creedence Clearwater Revival fan, to name a few. It was also time of free love and Mary Jane. She’s come through in our times of physical and mental pain. Thank God for legalization for those who truly suffer. I am a very big advocate for that. I think I would’ve thrived around that time.

There you go! Now here are my Nominees:

1. Pure Glory

2. Neriman K.

3. Fractured Faith Blog

Follow the rules above to support amazing writing and your fellow Bloggers!


Do you believe in signs? I’m not saying just from God, like universal signs as well? I’ve been having a lot of them from both and it’s almost starting to make me panic and feel excited and confused at the same time. The issues I’m having in my life are all adding up into one big cluster and tying themselves together.

I woke up, yet again, around 5:30 am and started with my worries and prayers. My fears are not getting majority custody for our son, going through the divorce, and making sure I get all of my important documentations from our old house. It drives me into flashbacks of fights and our drunken stupidity. It makes me grab at my pillow and say, “It’s not real, you’re safe in your bed, nothing is going to hurt you.” It sucks when you have no one to help you through your problems sometimes. It’s much nicer when I’ve got you there holding me telling me everything is alright, no one is going to hurt you. I can’t wait to feel your arms wrapped tight around me again.

After I go through the hard part, I begin the other hard part, praying dangerously. Very appropriate for our recent study. I ask for the comfort to know I’m not alone and that I can make it through all I’m about to endure. Putting on my armor and fighting the good fight to a beautiful victory. Then I can truly move forward the way I know God wants me to. The way I want to.

“Now my beloved ones, I have saved these most important truths for last: Be supernaturally infused with strength through your life-union with the Lord Jesus. Stand victorious with the force of his explosive power flowing in and through you. Put on God’s complete set of armor provided for us, so that you will be protected as you fight against the evil strategies of the accuser. Your hand-to-hand combat is not with human beings, but with the highest principalities and authorities operating in rebellion under the heavenly realms. For they are a powerful class of demon-gods and evil spirits that hold this dark world in bondage. Because of this, you must wear all the armor that God provides so you’re protected as you confront the slanderer, for you are destined for all things and will rise victorious!” -Ephesians 6:10-13(TPT)

I saw this in another blog today after I specifically asked God to show me a verse today that I could take, utilize, and dig deeper into. Pure Glory, they’ve got some good stuff. It’s so funny how little things like reading someone’s blog can show me a way through Him. When I hopped on YouTube another skit was there and I decided to click on it. It’s called You Are God’s Idea. I’ll link it below, worth a watch. It’s funny but has a great little message in the end. These are two things I needed to see and hear today. I now know I am not going to screw up my son, “It’s his plan and my responsibility.” And no, not to be confused with Obamacare. I thought it was funny…

So my fight against toxicity and for my son can all be won with a strong, sturdy, and unshakable armor that God’s so graciously placed upon me. I am a warrior that will fight until the end for what makes me thrive. It’s a blessing in itself.

I understand that I do talk a lot of religion and I don’t want that to shove people off. This is all our experience and what we do, believe, and fight for. It’s sad when you feel like you have to apologize for your own beliefs sometimes, but this world is also so sad. It’s so harsh and so unforgiving. I am honestly a person of peace and passion and I give my whole heart. I am not a half-hearted human being. Is it so much to ask for understanding and love? I’m hoping that this pandemic is really opening up everyone’s eyes. If you haven’t felt some sort of supernatural force in all this, I feel sorry for you. It doesn’t have to necessarily have to be religious, just any. Please. Wake up. I will do what I have to in order to serve my God, the one true God. Just fair warning.

You know what, I really don’t have to be a people-pleaser but for some reason it’s almost bred into us. That’s an aspect I wish I could diminish so that my words have more meaning. A writer stands behind their words. Absolutely, don’t get me wrong. It’s just hard when you have so many thoughts and feelings that aren’t your own and they are thrown in your face. It comes out and then I feel like it’s contradicting. From all the new faces of Bets, it’s hard to know what’s going to come out or be spoken anymore. So I apologize for any confusion when the posts go back and forth on feelings. We are a little bit of a torn organization but when it comes to what we are passionate about. (Our sweet son and our safety) we come together stronger than any chainmail laden armor.

I’m losing my points here, so this is our thoughts of the day. Keep a look out for those signs, they are some powerful stuff my dudes. -Bets/Jason/Zeus