Overall Good

It’s the truth, you know. People who are supposed to be in your life will be. I’m so thankful for one of our dear friends who has never questioned or thought any less of us. She’s a beautiful soul and has so much to offer. Sometimes going through the situations of daily life can be stressful. Having a place to come for safety and like-minded qualities is something so precious to me. I’m thankful for you, Em.

She’s explained a lot of good ways to get over some of the heart ache. For one, instead of responding the way I want to when he is unreasonable. I was suggested to just screen shot it and then write out exactly what’s on my mind and send it to her. Having someone to respond is so much better than not. I’ve also been given the advice to seek out a victims advocate. I mean, it wouldn’t hurt. As much as I want to say I don’t need one, or that I’ve found one in her, which I really have, I know having a backup is always a good thing.

To have someone who has always been so close to me since I’ve met her, even in times of distance, it’s beautiful. I feel like pieces of my life are falling back into place. I’m looking up and picking them from the night sky and constructing something I can hold again. Me. My life. My sanity. Clarity. True love and happiness. Each piece I grab after feels secured, it no longer slips through my loose, weak grip. I’m stronger and have sought after the things that actually matter the most to me. I was so scared my life would never come back to this. I was so wrong. I know now how capable I am of finding my own happiness and truly deserving it.

So on that note. I came up with the brilliant plan… Okay, can’t take the credit. I’m not sure who, but they whispered to me, “Bets. Why don’t you set up a picnic and ask Eddie if he wants to eat lunch outside?” Awesome plan, so thanks. Eddie was over the moon to do this with us. I love love love when he gets so excited over simple yet meaningful things.

We went into the kitchen and he told me he wanted a bologna sandwich with chips. I also suggested some baby carrots and ranch, which he absolutely did not turn down. I love my adventurous eater. For being 4, he’s got a very refined palate. So I made our turkey sandwich and chips, grabbed two kit kats from the freezer, and headed outside.

He laid down the lemon blanket underneath the tree and we unpacked and had such a nice time just bonding, laughing, and talking. I took some pictures, which of course, I will share. It’s times like these that I wonder if he will remember years from now. “Remember that one time we had a picnic under the tree at Nonnie’s?” You can just tell the memories that really stick.

We moved the blanket into the sun after and just kind of relaxed and talked about God’s beautiful creation. If there’s anything that I will do, it’s instill the love and safety of Christ into him. I want him to be brought up the way I have and realize everything is so much bigger than it seems. He’s what makes me want to be a good person and strive for so much more. Eddie needs to know he will always be safe and always be cared for. Even if I have to do it alone. So be it. He’s such a loved child.

I hope everyone can take advantage of days like these. Ones that bring happiness, life, and love. I know I have and so excited for more to come. -Bets

List of Comfort and Randomness

The thought of Disney, whether it be parks, movies, stuffed animals, memorabilia, treats. Everything Disney.
Warm hugs. (Oh look, an Olaf reference)
Eddie cuddles.
Candles burning before bedtime. A time we reflect on it all.
Warm cup of coffee or tea.
Writing. Any form of writing. It’s one of the most comforting things in the world. Think I’m lying? Fight me. lol
Ice cream cartoon characters with bubblegum for eyes from the ice cream truck.
Reading and tucked under a cozy blanket.
Listening to music while working.
Tidying up our safe space and feeling the organization of it all.
Your scent.
Popcorn and a movie.
M&Ms on Halloween.
Home cooked meals.
Being pampered, taken care of, having a sense of stability and security in our life.
Leggings
Wearing an outfit that gives us confidence and a warming feeling all over.
Knowing everything is okay in those moments with you.
A warm fire to cozy up next to and listen to the crackling of the wood.
The smell of the outdoors on a summer night.
A full moon and nightlife sounds.
The feeling of receiving a heartfelt gift that you didn’t see coming.
One day soon being able to see my son’s creativity through his school work and helping him with homework. (Grade A education backer here)
Sing-A-Longs
Feeling comfortable to sing said Sing-A-Longs out loud because you won’t be judged for your pitchy alto notes.
Being apart of a performance. In a play, musical, or skit.
Having an enjoyable beverage with dear friends you don’t see that often.
Playing board games or card games. I love a good get together.
Listening to Podcasts.
Watching people game. I am a semi-gamer, but I am one who’d rather watch. Always have been.
Rollerblading
Having a good conversation and working through traumas.
When the cat or dog cuddle up and they can get a good scratch and lovins from us.
Nostalgia in any form.
Cooking, especially for the ones I love. Putting effort and thought into, knowing what they prefer.
A nice long walk to just think and enjoy God’s beautiful scenery.
Reading anything inspired by the Lord. Could be our Bible or the plethora of authors we enjoy and studies we’ve been through.
Working for the ministry. It’s another one of the best comforts and brings so much meaning to our life.
Inside jokes
Knowing when someone really does pay attention and doesn’t let on that they do. It’s the underlying message of what they do to notice things about us and then go on to do things or say things that makes us smile.
Blueberry pop tarts. Of all the flavors, that’s our go-to every time.
Lemon/Citrus scented everything.
Yellow and Orange Starburst or Skittles. We are that system. Pinks and Reds are meh…
Mint Chocolate Chip ice cream. It’s the refreshing feeling. So really. Anything peppermint.
True Crime novels. Can’t. Get. Enough.
Wolves (Dur)
One day owning a fur suit and letting the ones who truly enjoy fursuiting to take full advantage of that. Using it to put smiles on other’s faces, and the like.
Wearing a tail brings me confidence and comfort. Something about it makes us all sorts of happy. (True fact, I would wear one every day or out in public without hesitation or shame.)
Jackets, hoodies, PJ pants, and slippers.
Coffee mugs are a collection type deal and comfort. I love all my mugs because they all have a story behind them.
Inspirational home decor. I also like to create my own, a lot.
So, painting and creating signs. It’s fun and I can put anything on a sign. Even, “Kinky Fetishes Live Here,” and no one would bat an eye. Haha.
Making lists. It makes me feel so organized.
Making sure books are lined up according to size.
My skateboard. – Zeus
Songs from my youth.
The sound of bagpipes.

This is something that we do a lot of times. I keep my sticky notes tab up and just make lists of things. It helps when I need to ground myself or bring myself back down to earth, so to speak. Just thinking about happiness and things I’m thankful for. I might do this from time to time so I can just go back and look at it. Feel free to comment down below something that brings you comfort or a random fact about yourself. I love learning things about others. -Autumn

Hurt

I am not sure where to begin this one. I feel betrayed and hurt. I never wanted it to be this way. It’s not the way it’s supposed to be. I can’t help but feel these feelings with such intensity that it physically pains me to the core. I asked to be numbed today but it’s not allowed. I’ve pushed my troubles down for so long that it’s time to try something new. A new way to push through the pain and the unreasonable explanations as to why everything is happening the way it is.

It’s hard when you are trapped with no way out. I found a crack in the foundation and it’s crumbling down around me and I can see the light again. Even if you don’t want me to. God finds a way to shine his light in me. I am as authentic as they come and I don’t make excuses for who I am. I just am. And you know what, as you put it, yes. I’ll continue to “keep being a good person.” You know why? Because I can see the good in me that you never could. I’ve been shown who sees the good in me and it’s beautiful beyond words.

I originally wanted to come here and express that even little things you do to hurt me, can. I want to take the higher road on this one and continue being true to myself. I may not be made up of the best people sometimes and my reactions may be a bit skewed. One thing I do know, it’s always out of protection if anything. I’m delicate and beautiful as a porcelain vase but the roses that I contain have thorns that can cut deep. I won’t be the one to hurt you, as you’ve already hurt yourself and there’s nothing more I can do.

My heart feels for you and wonders why. I don’t want to feel for you, but I always will. I can never have what I used to have with you and it’s so clear now. I don’t want your love. I don’t want your excuses. I don’t want your arguments. I don’t want your last name.

I want to be freed from what has a hold on me the most. These memories can always be filed away and tucked deep down in the depths of the library. Lock and keyed by my protector who will always be there for me in any time of my need.

Some say what a curse living this way is and so many have no idea what everyday life can be like. I don’t feel this way. I feel lucky, honored, blessed to have an army of protectors, persecutors, handlers, friends, MY people. The gatekeepers to my mind and to keep me safe in times of worry and hurt. The hurt that you can no longer give to me. It blows away with the memories of what could’ve been and what will never be again. -Bets

About That Search Me Thing

I’m not one to previously retract any statement that I have ever made. Everything I say and do is for a reason. I know what I did when I did it. When I asked God to graciously search me, he decided to put it into full affect. I’ve had dreams and little things come up in conversation, an email reveal a part of my past and now ever present future. I’ve come to realize my fears and weaknesses that make it hard for me to give those situations to God. I try not to let fear cloud my mind. If I did, I’d be where I was at in December. A bad situation.

The more I over analyze things and the deeper my thoughts go into one direction, the more scared I become. I’m desiring selfish and lustful things and as much as I know it’s a problem, I can’t stop. I don’t want to stop. I’m not going to stop pursuing what makes me the person I am and personally happiness for myself and my system. It’s what is saving us at this point and I’m not about to give that up. Sometimes you take a dark outstretched hand to pull you up into the light of the situation itself. I can literally feel myself being pulled from the muck and gunk and it’s a wonderful feeling.

I suppose if I can also see this as a saving grace than it should have some meaning. If it didn’t, none of this would be occuring in my life. I think I’m in a little bit of a state of confusion. I know what I’m here for, mostly. I know some of the big plans and prior engagements that are to come. If it’s not a feeling, it’s a sense and it’s big. I don’t think I’ve ever felt this complete in my life even though I know all the pieces aren’t put together yet. I’ve already seen it in completion and it’s beautiful. I have always had a sense about things before they happen. I’ve seen things I knew were going to happen come to fruition.

To be honest, I feel as cool as a cucumber right now. Something I strive to achieve most days. Some days I feel like I’m an electric fence that could shock the shit out of you if rubbed the wrong way. It’s interesting how our system works through things differently. I came to a little bit of an agreement with Sadie last night. How to tame her wild side and make her feel a little more comfortable within the realm. We’ve had subtle breakthroughs and I believe it’s just steps closer to realizing that we just can’t be hurt any longer. We can’t find fun and excitement in dangerous situations.

And so, “Control,” by Puddle Of Mudd just came on and my ears perked up at the argument in the beginning and it made me feel a good/bad feeling. Little triggers and things like that can switch up my mood and bring co-conscious alters. So, yes, Sadie is now sitting there listening. She loves this song. Now I have feelings of being dirty, naughty, and full confidence. Something about being out of control yet in control is arousing. It doesn’t have to be sexual, it could be something simple. I feel like when she comes around I put on a coat of pride for things that aren’t so great but make me thrive. It’s an all too familiar feeling that I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to shake. More of less, I don’t want to shake. It’s made up such a part of my life that I want the comfort in the memories or the adrenaline fueled, heart racing, thrill-seeking, danger that comes with it. I’m addicted to this feeling and if I can get it without being under the influence I am all the more accepting of it.

This part of me wants no part of anything else. So now, I’m not sure how long I’ll be this way today. It’ll show in my responses, it’ll show in the way I treat people, and it’ll show as a reflection of my true self. She keeps telling me this is truly who I am, don’t fool myself. It’s harder to keep a positive and true sense of who I am right now. I feel like I need to shut this down while I can before she becomes completely in control of my actions.

I think it’s too late. Stop saying she, it’s me. So don’t act like I haven’t been trying for a couple days now to come out and say something. Goodness. I didn’t say goodness, but whatever. I have no interest in what she does with her religion, I have no interest in her work. I am pretty much here for self-inflicted pleasure and pain. What can I say? Despite all my rage, I am still just a rat in a cage. I can’t fully come out unless she is truly under her alcohol addiction or some drug. Pill-poppin or, whatever I’ve got to get my hands on to further my grand entrance. She can still see all this, stand here, pout, and fold her arms over at me. Ha. It’s kind of funny.

You know, I’ll cut ya some slack.. I still have respect for you, I mean, you still let me do some fun things so I’m not going to be all on my high horse. Just know that I will come out when I need to. I’ll fight your physical fights and battles. You know how I do. I won’t hesitate when it comes to defending myself …and yea, I guess the system. (She has a hard time accepting that she needs us.) Whatever. I think you had a great idea, Bets. Let’s cut it off now. Let me have my fun now. -Sadie

Chisel Me

I believe God leads us to our answers subtly. I’ve been praying for God to chisel away at me and truly bring to light the woman I truly am inside. After reading through today’s P31 email, as soon as I read the word “chisel” my mind went to this skit I saw at the first church I attended in Florida when we moved down. Then as I started watching it I felt God move within me to share this with all of you. Then as I got about 3/4 the way through I realized, he sent this message specifically for me to hear and give me the answer to the question I’ve been begging to hear for months.

The little revelations I keep surfacing are so intense that if I wasn’t a believer, I wouldn’t be any longer. I feel like back in 2003 when I saw the video it was just a sneak peek into my life. Every bit of what is said is what has crossed my mind and has been said in my own conversation to God. The part where he asks if I’m ready to get rid of the part of my life that I turn to when I’m sad, defeated, and down, it hit hard. I am fully ready to give up my alcohol addiction, I am ready to give up my lustful desires for others, I am ready to move forward in the direction he has so obviously placed me in. The only thing that is holding me back is knowing if I am going to have a hard time eventually being yolked.

I have a burning desire to save someone from themselves and I don’t know if they will ever listen to me. It frightens me and makes me wonder if I’ll fail at one of the plans God has laying in wait for me to perform. I know that I need to stop the worry and just put all my faith into his wonderfully woven basket and hope for the best. I don’t think this person would be in my life if it wasn’t because he didn’t want it. It’s my concern and love that make me pursue every bit of what this has come to be and continues to unfold before me.

I’ve been given such a glorious gift and I never think I’ll ever disappoint as long as I just sit, listen, and write what is being told of me. My wonderful little gifts in my head, I know where they come from. I am not crazy, I am blessed. I’ve been my whole life and until now I’ve finally come to realize. These feelings that run through me every day are becoming stronger and more intense. It makes me wonder how anyone could ever stand the intensity of the afterlife. Like body numbing, mind blowing awe. I feel dizzy thinking about it.

Now, I am not saying I would ever be a saint by any means. I still have dark and disturbing aspects to who I am. I hate to throw this out there but I am merely a vessel. I take full responsibility for who I am, my actions, and who I will be. I am yolked myself in a sense and I would never judge harshly. It’s not my place. I feel him chiseling some horrible things away and it’s so freeing. I never thought the day would come where I’d think I wasn’t a beautiful disaster. Something about being one makes me comforted because of all my disasters and hardships, I’ve created something beautiful in each. Something I can share to the world to those who will listen or care enough.

I’m happy with this woman. She makes us smile and feel more about ourselves now. What’s even more wonderful is I’ve been alongside with her all day and we’ve never really had the chance to do this yet. My name is Lance. I am as flamboyant as they come and have some really great taste. I am a firm believer in the Lord as it’s my judgement call in the end. Thank you very much. I have platinum blonde hair styled in an up due and I wear cute pastel button up shirts with my sleeves rolled up to the elbows. I wear tight khaki slacks because I can make them look hella good. I wear brown loafers and I have a rainbow pendant on my shirt somewhere at all times. I wave all my flags proudly. I’m honored to be in this entry because I know how hard everyone comes down on “the gays and God.” God-willing, we’ll all get over this. Ha.

I think it’s sweet because she has a chipper outlook on things when I am close to her. This is the first time that we’ve spoken though since she first found out about the 30+ newbies in her system. I mean, it’s crowded and Lord knows there’s no such thing as social distancing in here, but we’ve already had in back in December. We are right as rain now, baby. I’m a survivor, I’m not gon give up, I’m not gon stop, I’m gon work harder! Oh please, everyone loves Beyonce and you’ll get over it too.

Well this post went all over the place. I am not necessarily going to say I’m sorry because it’s just who we are and whoever decides they need to come out and say their peace, they can. I’m going to drop the video down here so if you want to see what the Lord truly has to offer, you can take advantage of it to. Some powerful stuff. Are you ready to finally have a taste of the good life?

Friends, I know sometimes we want to believe that we can chisel our own flesh into something beautiful. We were so wrong. God holds the tools to bring us back to our original masterpiece. Say it with me “(Your Name) is God’s original Masterpiece.” May you know your worth and let God work in you until completion. And all God’s people said, Amen. -Lance/Bets

Doing The Right Thing

Do you ever feel like everything you do is never good enough? It goes unnoticed? You try to do the right thing, but it sometimes just doesn’t cut the mustard? I struggle with all of these questions in rotation almost daily. I wonder if I’m really wanted around or if I’m just there for your muse. Am I doing it right? Am I being everything you need and truly want me to be? My insides are cramping and it’s starting to become physical pain on the outside. I feel it when I start to become anxious and worry. My right side next to my ribs hurt and make me grab at it something awful. The pain moves to between my breasts, right at the sternum.

I have a bad problem with it becoming irritated and inflamed a lot and it sometimes is to the point of doubling over in pain. Probably something I should get checked out but of course I’ll wait to put off like the rest of my health.

So my intent was not to complain about my physical pain, but my mental pain, but here we are. The one place I can come where I don’t feel judged and yet I still do. I judge myself too hard and it puts a toll on this body. Obviously. You know when Solomon went to the Lord to ask for wisdom and clarity on how to rule his people? God gave him the knowledge, the wit, and the answers on how to be a wonderful and powerful leader. He also felt that because he didn’t ask for wealth, a big mansion, or anything earthly that he would give him all he needs. Solomon fell short later on when he went and married countless woman because he fell victim to love and how captivating it is to be loved.

Is it odd that I relate a lot to him? His book, Song of Solomon, is my absolute favorite and I plan on getting a tattoo of Chapter 8, verse 6:

Place me like a seal over your heart,
    like a seal on your arm.
For love is as strong as death,
    its jealousy as enduring as the grave.
Love flashes like fire,
    the brightest kind of flame.

I plan to place it over my scars on my arm where I cut to remember why I am alive. I have this urge to do it soon. It’ll be right below my wrist and my cross tattoo. Fitting.

My whole point in this is I am constantly asking for the wisdom, the knowledge, the answer to be a better person for not only myself, but others. I take my job in this life very seriously and I believe I am here to be a voice to a specific audience of people. That much I do know is true. I’m just trying to figure out who I touch and in what ways. I’ve always had this gift to open up people. It’s never failed. I don’t know how or why I possess it but I just do. It may seem awesome but it can be such a burden sometimes because I take their energy and experiences and I place myself in it and try to go through it as best as possible to find the words to respond. It’s so easy to be the receiver but when you want to be the one to do the giving, it’s like I almost don’t know how. I’ve only a very very select few I can honestly say I trust with anything. This is something we are working on.

I’m supposed to open up and I know I’m being told it’s my time to put my talents and my gifts to good use. It just comes up like word vomit and spews all over the page. Kind of a nasty analogy, but it’s what I got.

I guess what I’m getting at is that it’s time the world knows who I am, what I am capable of, and how I intend to do it. Try me, world. You are my oyster. -Autumn/Jason

Sittin’ Here Kickin’ It

I never knew a CD could sound so good streaming through my buds into the memories of my mind. When I listen it helps me to learn just a little bit more about you. How unique you were and how beautiful your soul is. I feel close to you in these times and it makes the headache subside to a dull pain. I’m so honored to have memories with you. The things you have shown me and the things you instilled in my heart. You taught me that I am no longer this Loser I thought I was. I am very capable of reaching The Promised Land, as you have done before me. I Need A Miracle to make it through the rest of this CD without you. But I tell you what, Pops, I’ve got Good Lovin’ in my heart and a good man who taught me all about it. So put your guard down as a Friend Of the Devil, boy is he ever a friend of mine.

The tenth album of The Grateful Dead’s Broadcast Collection is one of my absolute favorites. As if you noticed the paragraph above, I mentioned the title of each in it. The happiness I feel in my heart right now is normally unattainable in this sense of my mind. Your love for music matched mine and I am so grateful for that. I’ve found another who shares such a special love for it too. He treats me well and he cares for me a great deal. I wish you could’ve met him. You could finally see my face stream with tears of happiness instead of the sadness you always saw in me. You caught the beginning of my pure bliss at the end when you were so sick… But dammit, you sat there with me and trusted to watch a Corey Taylor concert with me and I was able to show you one of my greatest loves. A man who resonated within my soul by the words that were moved through song in his beautiful voice. You let me show you who was with me during the troubled times, the ones where I didn’t think I was going to make it.

I am a passionate person, if you haven’t gathered that by now. My passions are what fuel my fire and my creativity. Chris, you know, it’s funny how I can so comfortably talk to you here as I know you are listening to this inner monologue. I can feel the little Louisiana spark when I know you are around. It’s uncanny the hold it can have on a person. The cajun train rearing its head to the station and the funky times roll on even with you gone, you really aren’t. Not in my mind. You are there, dancing those funny dances and jazz hands thrown up. You stamped my heart and taught me that life needs to be enjoyed and cherished. To cherish the things you love above all because you can’t ever take them with you. I’m starting to see it through your perspective and it’s brighter than I could’ve ever imagined.

I’m finally going to be happy and dance in the kitchen to a jaunty tune with the man of my dreams right beside me. I want to be the one to make a fool out of myself without a care in the world because it’s just that moment right then, right now, Chris. Thank you for opening up my heart to a life I never knew could’ve been possible if you wouldn’t have had those countless talks of greatness you knew you saw in me. If I had one wish, it would to bring you back for just one more conversation before we all meet again. It’s okay, I know, I hear it in the music you’ve left behind. And you’re damn right, I will always take care of your collection. -Bets

Nostalgia For The Win

Do you have a nostalgic movie that you go to when you just feel like you need it? When you feel defeated and just need a pick me up? Don’t laugh. Mine is the 2003 Lindsay Lohan version of Freaky Friday. I was compared to Lindsay all through my childhood and teenage years. Little did I know we would both become alcoholics with DUIs and a cocaine addiction. At least we’ve been through our dark days and are showing the better versions of ourselves. Her newest album is pretty legit. Small world… Haha…

I’ve been listening to the soundtrack and it’s putting a smile on my face and bringing me back to my youth. Autumn is thrilled, head banging and jumping around. She’s such a cutie. I know when I watch those old Disney channel movies with Lindsay in them, I’m going to feel happy and like a young adult again. I even ended up dying my hair with the chunky blonde highlights in them to look like her in that movie. I actually looked pretty good with them too. Guess I could show a comparison picture Autumn so graciously set up for me.

Goodness. I really miss my high school days. I miss the easiest days of my life when deciding what band tee to wear that day was the most important decision. I can’t really even say that. Some of the beginnings of my best and worst memories are thrown around all through high school. If only it really was that simple. I sometimes wonder if I just brought it upon myself. I was so vulnerable and wanted attention and love so much that I would take it from anyone who’d give it. Women and Men alike if I am being completely honest with myself.

I’m not sure where I am going here anymore. I think this is going to be a short one today, but I love giving content. It makes me feel whole and valid to my own self. Ha. I have to prove myself even to me and my alters. I’ll never understand what’s going on inside my head. -Bets/Autumn

From Nothing To Something

Have you ever had this fantastic idea and you think, “Huh. I should write about that. Let’s open up a fresh page and see what pours out of us today.” Then you sit there as ten minutes go back, eyes glossed over, and realise you have no idea what to write. So you put a word down on paper and surely something will come of this. That’s exactly what happened, the creative juices were flowing and then someone decided it was time to turn off the faucet. I couldn’t relate to SpongeBob more than I do right now.

I guess one good thing, I didn’t have a little episode this afternoon and no headache to speak of. I’m surprised, someone threw off the system for me. I heard a lot of chit chat among the prosecutor protectors earlier and it seems like I get a break today. Last night was not good to say the least. It had its’ moments. My drunk husband gets all of the credit for that one. Well, guess we’ve figured out what we are going to talk about today. I’ll try and keep her from going off the deep end. Lyle by the way.

So the husband is an alcoholic. This is almost the whole reason as to why the divorce has to happen. If we don’t do something for her, she is going to go right down in the ground with him. He decided to get drunk and drive the car to work. This isn’t something new. What has been stated is when he was working the store someone hit the front end of the parked vehicle and he noticed it when he got outside. The thing is he was so hesitant and finding ways to tell us of the “accident” that it was relevantly obvious he had a part in this. This is not the first time he has damaged the car. He decided as soon as he left from visiting us that he would go directly to a stripclub and then from there go to the liquor store and try to go around the back to the side street because he was so trashed he needed the back roads. He hit a pothole which ended up in over $2,300.00 worth of damage.

His reason? He missed me. He had to go to a strip club. You know, men get lonely and go directly to the local scum club to not be so alone. I mean, I guess I’m not a good enough wife, I must not please him in any way possible, so. It makes sense, right? Ha. Don’t sell yourself short. He is trash.

Kids, this is what happens when you rush into a relationship because all you want is happiness. You want someone to connect to so bad and will go through anything to get it. You ignore all those red flags and sharpie over them in another color. Try to make their addictions, actions a beautiful color. Sometimes blue, sometimes purple, sometimes yellow. You know. A wonderful color of bruise. That’s what happens when you let it drag on too long. It doesn’t just happen in your marriage relationship, but it’s part of the foundation on which your relationships started out too. This is no different so it must be normal.

I’m getting a little too heated. Okay. So, he called me panicked saying the car was billowing white smoke from under the hood as he drove to his next store. By that time I had it and just hung up because I wasn’t being driven, ha, into a good state of mind. I calmed down and decided to answer his 10th call to try and reason. Hear me out. He can say all the negative hurtful things in the world to me. I’ve been a heavy bag for so many that I can take it. One thing. You NEVER do. Is talk about my Mother, EVER, disrespectfully. I paused to say something to her and he goes, “What did you say? Were you talking to your Mom?” I told him, yes in fact, I was. He continues to go on and say, “Yea, that SHE matters in this world…” That’s when I completely shut down. I was taken over and Lyle, my sweet Lyle, hung up and threw the phone.

In case you all are a little lost, I am co-conscious with Lyle. I can hear everything he is making me write down. Anyway, we had a meeting with Candace and Tracker. I could literally watch them standing against the stage, legs crossed, arms folded talking. I heard heavy and heartfelt words about how he is hurting our system even more and he isn’t even around. This has to end now. He can’t take control of this life anymore. It went on for a while as I sat there, tears streaming down my face. I sat, feeling numb and not incontrol of anything. It’s hard but it’s soothing to sit and listen to them talk and tell me how it’s all going to be okay. I am being taken care of from the inside as well as the outside.

I’m stronger than I used to be, but I’m still a work in progress and I still get on with horrible feelings of defeat. I can only try and that’s all they expect me to do for now. When action is needed to be taken, I will know. It’s what I’ve been told.

I didn’t mean for this entry to end up this way but I guess it’s what I was compelled to tell. I do have to say that after I calmed down and started to ignore the thorn in my side, I did have a Zoom meeting with the women of Proverbs 31 Ministries and it was so soothing. I’m getting used to using the camera on my laptop for meetings. I don’t like to look at myself and when I do, it’s not through my own eyes. They are trying to help me to look in the mirror and repeat, “I am beautiful.” It’s hard to do because I feel stupid. When a couple of the other alters look through my eyes I hear them say such gratifying and wonderful things. “You are so gorgeous.” “No wonder he sees what he does in you.””How could you not see it, Bets. You are a sight to behold.” I mean, they do it during the day too to try and boost my self-confidence. It’s sweet and I do appreciate it.

I’m hoping that we do more meetings with the ladies, especially in our own individual groups because it feels empowering and I know once we get comfortable we can do anything we put our mind to. Thanks for hanging in there if you got this far. Comments are always welcomed. If you haven’t noticed, I am a bit chatty. I do like a good conversation and discussion. -Bets/Lyle

My Energies

So I’ve been noticing this for about the last couple weeks. I thrive as soon as I wake up and start my day off with killer positivity and I love it. Then 14:30 comes around and the depression slowly starts to creep in along with every insecurity I try to hide. Then 15:00 hits and bam, it’s full force on. The thoughts are intrusive and it’s something I absolutely can not stop. I haven’t found the niche yet that makes this all come to a stop. I feel distant and alone. Exactly.

I pray, I try to watch a calming upbeat YouTube video, I listen to music, or try to write. I’m thinking writing helps to get it out more than all of the above. I just have this like clock-work routine of emotions and it’s just more relevant to me now. I sometimes feel a lot of anger during this time. It works itself out somehow. When I get super short answered replies I feel like things are being hidden from me or I’m not worth the time. I am a very wordy person and it’s hard to be one way and others to be another because I always think the worst. I mean, I have my days where I don’t really feel like conversing or I try to answer someone with the best of my ability to sound sincere. I think I’m exhausting myself this way. I get a headache around this time every day and it’s always on the upper left side, right between my eyes, and lower right jaw.

I clench my teeth a lot when I am tense and I know I grind my teeth at night, which doesn’t help. I feel my shoulders are stiff and I have to every so often realise the tightness all over and loosen everything up. I tell you what, I’ve never had a professional massage, but I’m thinking it might be worth looking into after all this madness. I need relief.

Once my mind decides to calm down I start my upward journey back to happiness, which isn’t usually until 16:30-18:00. Any time in between. Then the rest of my night goes extremely smooth. I honestly think I’m a morning/night person. The afternoon is bollocks. I can’t get on with it and I don’t think I ever will. I think I just start to feel extremely overwhelmed with emotions because it’s when everyone in the system is feeling their most vulnerable. Again. Loud. Best way to put it. I get dissociated and start to think these strange and random thoughts I absolutely know do not belong to me personally. Some I get confused and am not sure what they mean by it. It’s a scary thought to not know something you’ve apparently been through. Being protected is a blessing but what this body has been through isn’t. Not a good bit of it anyway.

I can honestly say I am feeling a ton of relief right now. Maybe I’ve found my prime time to write and be open and honest with myself. There curls a smile. Love it. It is so strange to have a feeling just overpower and overwhelm and right now it’s calm. Oh how I missed you. Those couple hours of negativity are not my thing. It’s very hard to work through it, but we are strong and we’ll press on. God is good all of the time, even in time of hurt and uncertainty. It’s a blessing to have fellow readers and people who reach out. You never know just how much that means to us. Feeling heard and understood is all we are striving to do. Thank you for giving us a place in your daily life to see what we go through. I am thankful to all I have stumbled upon and get to experience life through their words. I couldn’t belong to a better community of talented writers. -Autumn