The way I’ve been feeling emotions lately have been more intense than usual to say the least. I am sensitive to many things and I’m working on not letting things get to me so much. Other’s intentions are never as bad as what my own mind makes them out to be. I assume, which we all know what that does. I feel like quitting on myself and I start to question my worth. Why, after all these positive baby steps forward in my life, do I feel like I still don’t have anything to offer? At all. I do. I am a big ball of potential worth and I can feel it sometimes greater than other times.
Right now I feel happy (synthetically) because genuine happiness I haven’t come by in a very long time. I don’t want to have to smoke something or take anything to make me feel the happiness I should be feeling without those things. As bad as I want them. Last night was the first time in a long time I just went to bed without any way of helping me to sleep. Once I finally did get to sleep the nightmares were so intense that when I got shook awake from one, I tried not to go back to sleep. I cried out to God and asked him to take these horrible thoughts from me. I was having dreams again like when I would be coming off a binge. I was frightened and wanted to hear the insiders calm me. I begged and pleaded. When I would start to hear someone soothe me, I’d be out again. The process starts all over again.
Defeat is a feeling that plagues my actions. If I feel less than, I just want to give up for the rest of the day. As soon as I feel bad, I quit. There was a time before everything where I wouldn’t quit but now it’s as easy as turning off a switch. I’m a strong woman and these insecurities and evil thoughts are not going to conquer me. I found this on my phone last night, unsure of who wrote it, but I want to share it.
I feel shattered yet beautifully pieced back together in a stained glass sort of way. Except not enough that you couldn’t see the licks of hellfire from down below. Your light illuminates my insecurities and flaws as you dig deep into my hopes and dreams. You come at me when I’m the happiest, content, full of want of desires and needs that could be fulfilling. You send them all up in smoke and try to take me right down with you. I feel you creep over me and try to take a hold of my insides and twist until you’ve rung me out and drop me to my knees. I look up and see you with your sick grin, smiling right back at me, taunting and ridiculing me. You want me to accept defeat. I am not so easily shaken as I have stared you in the eyes too many times to count. I recognize you like an old friend that in which you are only my enemy. I steady myself, placing my feet firmly on the ground and straighten my morals. I will not be dragged back down to hell with you. My joy rides to the darkness end now. I will no longer play your games and entertain your ideas of a good time. No more. I will not stand for thinking I am not good enough when God has equipped me with vast knowledge of the truth. Stay away from me, I’m no longer a slave to your hardships. I am free from your lies because my Father tells me I am worthy of greatness and potentials, far more than I could even imagine. You think you have won? Don’t make me laugh. How does it feel when sarcasm escapes my lips and puts you right back in your place? Scum of the earth you fell and scum of the earth you shall forever remain. I am not so easily overcome. You should know this by now.
I know I’ve been through a lot of rough and horrible times in my life. It’s very well thought out because I know the feelings of defeat from darkness. I used to embrace it. I remember at one point in my life saying I felt like the dark has succumb me and I’m okay with that. It’s scary when you decide to let evil win. I was also a cocaine junky during that time so of course I wanted to be promiscuous and I didn’t care who I hurt in the process as long as I benefited from it. I made sure to date the dealers so I could have it all for free. I didn’t pay for anything that much in my wild years. I could swim in it for all they cared as long as I put out for them or didn’t show jealousy in a threesome. Never mattered to me, I was there for the drugs and good time.
I look now at myself and I see her, still. I see her smirk in the mirror when she is thinking too highly of herself. Noticing that she is still obtainable and could still get exactly what she wants. I don’t like her but I get a rush of adrenaline and a warmth only the thought of doing sinful things brings. Oh everything that’s wrong feels amazing, there’s no getting around that. We are dangers to ourselves but at least some of us have limitations to how far we are willing to go. Some consequences we don’t know until later on in life when it shows up unexpectedly. There’s been A LOT of past coming back for me lately and it’s almost tempting to just slip into the familiarity of it and become content in it. Those feelings make me wonder why I’m so calm to accept them once more.
Evil feels good. Being good is boring. Sometimes I wonder if I am just faking everything so I can think I’m living the way I should be. All too often when I know I’m not supposed to be doing something, I think, “Good. This is really what I want.” It’s tough learning from your mistakes and only you can truly change if you so desire. My question is this at the moment, “Do I really though?” As tempting as it sounds, No. I don’t. But to have to ask the question just makes me wonder who I really am.